The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #81

Hi everyone, My name is Mike Eagle, you may remember me from such marginally popular news items as…

Houston loses an eye…

Cerebral and wordy columns like…

Letters from Freecloud

…or oft-ignored underground hip-hop cd reviews like…

MF DOOM – Mm…Food?

…Not much of a resume, eh? Yeah, I don’t think so either, but by being in good with the bookers, I was scripted to win the inaugural IP Royal Rumble. Now I’m in instant main eventer with the moveset of Tiny “Zeus” Lister. Thank you Fernandude…no pressure at all…

Fortunately, I was left with a cookie cutter format to follow, so I ain’ t gotta use the old noodle so much. I never been too good at coloring inside the lines, though, let alone not eating the crayons. So bare with me…

B. “Dramatis Personae” (plugs-n-shit)

Fernandez usually comes up with something really clever to tie together all of the week’s contributions here at IP, but I don’t speak Fernandez so I was gonna do dirty limericks for everybody. But we’ve upped the smut ante over in the Wrestling Zone this week. I can’t possibly be more rotten than a naked, wet, ass-less diva.

So I’ll keep it simple…

First, the Bootleg turns this many, and Aaron kisses babies like he’s runnin’ for office.

Then my favorite class mate Shawn delivers more freestyle goodness

Tom gives us metal from the other side of the world…

Kindred Spirit Mathan leaves out David O. Russell amd the Coen Brothers…and it better damned well be ACCIDENTALLY.

…and I’m tired of cutting and pasting links so let’s move on…

C. “News to Use”

Here’s the most interesting news that I’ve seen this week…

“If it was so interesting, why didn’t you post it?”

Who’s side are you on, anyway?…sheesh

Jay-Z versus the world

Is Hov dissing Game and Cassidy? Though newcomers Cassidy and The Game recently denied dissing Jay-Z on “Hustler” and “West Side Story” respectively, the God MC is apparently not buying it. Earlier this week, Jiggaman and Memphis Bleek appeared on FunkMaster Flex’s Hot 97 show to address the rumored beef. Though they denied any tension, Bleek challenged Game to a $10,000 battle and Jay dropped a lengthy freestyle in which he spit warning shots seemingly directed at Game and Cassidy. In its opening bars, Hov toys with Chuck Taylor’s primary moniker over Black Rob’s “Can I Live” instrumental spitting, “You saying my name to entertain your crew/ I ain’t playing no games, sh–, the game’s through/ You can get it broad day on Broadway while ‘TRL’ taping/ You playing a game you know you can’t win/ Quit playing them childish games with grown men.”

Seconds later Jay offers, “I ain’t none of these half ass newcomers/ you know how I do summer.” Towards the end of the verse, Hov once again fuels the speculations when he warns, “These cats make subliminal records/I don’t respect it/ You don’t really want it with Hov for the record/ I put a couple careers on hold you could be next kid/ Keep entering the danger zone/ You gon make that boy Hov put your name on a song/ If you that hungry for fame cock sucker come on.” Hours after the appearance, the freestyle immediately spread across the Internet and heads began buzzing about a Jay-Z, Game, Cassidy feud. With the buzz heightening, Hov came forward and denied that the freestyle was aimed at Game. There was no clarification regarding Cassidy. He also added that the verse was a love letter to summer; a farewell to the season his albums have dominated for the past 8 years.
(credit: sohh.com)

Now you figure that as the new president of Def Jam, Bro. Carter would be too busy pimpin’ ghetto talent for this kind of nonsense. Apparently the exploitation business is slow this time of year…

Now, okay, he’s somewhat of a legend I guess…I mean he’s put out more than three albums and people in the hood still like him, and I guess that’s all of the qualifications. But let’s look a bit closer at this “career killer” thing.
Jigga’s thrown jabs at…

Nas…who just dropped a well received double album.

Mobb Deep…who’ve been in the game since ’94 and currently have a single getting hell’a spins on the radio.

50 cent…(yeah, most of y’all forgot about that…) multi-platinum mega-star off the strength of one solo album. And has already established a crew of heavyweights (who all suck, by the way, but that’s beside the point..)

So who are these mystery MC’s whose careers have been ended by Bro. Carter. I mean the only cat I can think of is Jaz-O, but it’s kind of hard to kill the career of a brother that hasn’t had one since ’88. Seems to me like Jay-Z’s wrath revives a career if anything. Ahhh it’s probably all a damned publicity stunt anyway…

“Quick Bits”

Fuck that….us newsies bust our ass to give you news on this site. Take your lazy ass to the music page…lil’ ho.

D. “From the Labels”

Ingredients: Wheat, Flour, Corn Meal, Sugar, Lard, Leavening (Baking Soda, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Monocalcium Phosphate), contains 2% or less of each of the following: salt, Niacin, Reduced Iron, Thiamine mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid.

Chelsea Milling Company
P.O. Box 460
Chelsea, Michigan 48118-0460
Write us for Recipes and Microwave Instruction

This is about anarchy, people. Anarchy!

(anyone who can name this product gets an honorary ghetto pass. Carry it, and people will see you like this…)

E. “influences”

The songs that played on my imaginary I-pod that I’m not embarrassed to tell you about….

David Bowie -The Man who Sold the World
Ghostface – Beat the Clock
Steely Dan – Don’t Take Me Alive
Beatles – Eleanor Rigby
MC Stephen Hawking – When Will Jesse Helms Die?
Aesop Rock – Coma
David Cross- Sep. 11th
Nirvana – In Bloom
Onyx – All We Got Iz Us
Dynospectrum – Superior Friends
XTC -Fruit Nut
Ras Kass, Heltah Skeltah, and Canibus – Uni-4-Orm

Okay everything else is too embarrassing, Better than Ezra and shit like that….too namby-pamby to mention.

F. “The Most Ridiculous Item of the Week”

Does this mean the end of ‘plumber’s cracks?’

Published February 9 2005

“This is the police, pull ’em up!” That’s what many teens could expect to hear if an underwear exposure bill that passed in the General Assembly’s House of Delegates 60-34 Tuesday gets the nod from the Senate and eventually becomes law.

Finally, we parents with teen and young adult children can convince them that wearing sagging jeans or low-rise pants are bad styles. No more backtalk from smart-alecky kids saying that when we were young we too wore clothes (bell bottoms, platform shoes, mini-skirts) our parents hated.

If our wise lawmakers in the Senate come through like those sages in the House, we will be on our way to regaining control of our wayward youths. And all we’ll have to pay in return is $50 fine after $50 fine when the cops stop our kids and cite them for simply expressing themselves freely, a crime adults were guilty of before they grew up and became squares.

House Bill 1981 would fine males and females for intentionally wearing pants below the waistline, exposing underwear “intended to cover a person’s intimate parts, in a lewd or indecent manner.” The bill, sponsored by Del. Algie Howell Jr., D-Norfolk targets popular hip-hop-influenced styles that many youths and adults of all races sport these days. It might snatch plumbers and carpenters, too, who have been known to show some bloomers and even butt cleavage when they kneel.

Credit: dailypress.com

OpenMike says: It’s only right that the first settlement on this ass-backwards landmass be the place where bone-headed legislature is first introduced.
(climbs down from soabox, hands it back to Eric S.)

G. Big Ass Outro

This was f*ckin’ fun. I was gonna sneak and bring back the jukebox cause I was bitter about not getting a shot at it. Then I thought, that’s a lot like Marvel bringing back Elektra after Frank Miller killed her.
Look out for my column soon. Beware. It’ll be a helluvalot stranger than this.

I’ll leave you with a word from the man himself…

And remember…TurboJohnson is coming…

Dear Mike Eagle-

Thanks again for taking over the Swindle Sheet for me while I am taking a much-needed vacation, and congratulations on your victory in the Swindle Sheet Battle Royale last week. Amsterdam is fantastic. I have never been so annihilated in my entire life. There is so much pot here it makes me melted just thinking about it. I am actually typing this message from a dingy “coffeebar” as I work on some Maui Wowee I just bought. The guy was rude to me because I am an American Devil. The bicycle is about as popular here as the SUV is America. Tomorrow I will probably have sex with some prostitutes. Just kidding! Or am I…?

Cheers
-JF2k5!