WWE Sunday Night Heat Report 13/2/5
Last week on heat we saw almost 20 minutes of hall of fame 2004 footage. Also, the coach bragged about beating 23 people at the royal rumble. As well, Batista showed the best subtle acting skills of anyone on the show not named Christian. What really old guy will we showcase, and what will coach brag about, and how will Batista out-act Christian…tonight?
Last week Raw was in Tokyo…for the first time! Coach still looks good! Amy…looks less good. Hmm. Video showcase of just how freaking great traveling 20 hours (and going backwards in time) to go and sign thousands of autographs and get to promote Japan is. Also, wrestling there was cool too.
Sunday Night Heat! We’ve got Bass!
Coach welcomes us to our final night in Japan, and here’s Muhammad Hassan coming down! Oh My God, I’m going to get to recap a match! I can’t freaking believe this! It’s not just highlights from previous weeks and video packages for Kyle David Paul, no sir!
“Thank you for the warm welcome Japan” he says “I was looking forward to this trip, because I thought the people of the rising sun would be enlightened, and that the people would be more accomodating to myself and people of different backrounds…but I was wrong. You treat me like any American. Two weeks ago, I beat a living legend, Sgt Slaughter. And how was I treated? Not like a King! The same disrespect I get from America. So as far as I’m concerned, you people can join the Americans and go straight to hell!” The Translator goes off on a rant, but gets interrupted by Rhyno!
Rhyno vs. Muhammad Hassan. ~ Rhyno poses and waits to get cheered, and does to an extent. Lockup, headlock on Hassan, Punched out, but Rhyno locks it in. To the corner, Hassan breaks it and slaps Rhyno. Rhyno punches him, kicks him down in the corner. Irish whip and a shoulder block on Hassan. Irish whip and a hip toss. Dabari gets up on the apron and distracts Rhyno, but Hassan gets up and it’s a clothesline on Rhyno. Hassan stomps him down, and poses. 2 count, and Hassan chokes Rhyno with the ropes. Irish whip and a forearm leads to Hassan choking him against the ropes again. Dabari holds him down as Hassan distracts the ref. Headlock on Rhyno. Rhyno tries to power out, but some shots to the back and he’s back in the hold. Rhyno powers out again, Irish whip reversed and a flying clothesline (a WEAK one, too) on Hassan. To the corner, and Rhyno hits a belly to belly suplex. Rhyno redies the Gore, but Hassan gets out of the way and hits the flatliner, and then the Camel Clutch, and Rhyno taps out!
Winner by submission: Muhammad Hassan
Val Venis vs. Shelton Benjamin up next, as well as Christian!
Wrestlemania recall: 1985, 15,000$ and a haircut. Andre slams Big John Studd, and hands out the money to all the fans in the crowd.
Commercials.
The Basic instinct commercial is the best yet. “How about Sadomasochistic activity?” I’ve been waiting for someone to ask a wrestler that for years. “Have you ever been in a Lingerie pillowfight Chris? It’s harder than it looks.”
Last Monday, Orton fought Tomko. Dropkick on Tomko. Some punches, a concussion, and a rollup by Orton to get the win. Stacy Keibler is generally concerned. I like how they’re explaining Orton’s ability to win matches while getting concussions by blaming it on his GENES. Christian hits the unprettier afterwards to the cheers of everyone who ‘gets it’.
Commercials.
WWE Rewind: Last Monday, Tajiri wins the Tag Titles and thus emancipates Japan from Communism. At least, they cheered like it.
Gene Snitsky vs The hurricane ~ I love Snitsky, but that tongue ring takes away a little bit of his brute manliness. Todd mentions that this match might not be fair, and I’d be obliged to agree with him, although Coach makes a great point by saying that Snitsky is heavily injured, thus evening it out a bit. Punches on Snitsky to start, and a 2 punch count in the corner, but Snitsky catches him. Hurricane weasles out, but Snitsky just beats him down. Elbow drop, and another, and Snitsky throws Hurrican out. “A Face only a mother can love.” “You think he has a mother? Maybe he just evolved!” Huh, another mention of Evolution. Not a very ‘red state’ show this week, is it? Anyways, Snitsky brings Hurricane back in and hits a heavy powerslam and some taunting. Hurricane punches Snitsky back into the corner and tries and irish whip, but that gets stopped, reversed, and a forearm by Hurricane and a dropkick to the shin followed by a spinning DDT and a pin attempt, 1, 2, no! Hurricane goes up top but gets caught, dropped, and kicked in the face. Pumphandle slam and that gets the three count.
Winner by Pinfall: Gene Snitsky.
Up Next, HHH talks to Batista and Flair agrees with every damn thing he ever has to say. I’m actually shocked that Flair backed up the idea of Batista going to Smackdown when HHH was doubting it. It went against the entire formula.
Commercials.
Nike Pro Apparel is selling some really weird looking helmets these days, such as the Large square made of barb wire, and the one that looks like a praying mantis.
Wrestlemania in 49 days!
Last Monday, Edge challenged HHH for the world title, but even more impressively, got HHH to sell the Edgecution. Edge gets powered out of a second attempt, but then spears the ref. Reverse neckbreaker on HHH and pins, but there’s no ref you see. Flair comes in and tries to hit Edge with a chair, but gets speared. Edge sees the chair, but HHH ducks and hits a back body drop. They both crawl toward it, but Batista pulls it away. Edge yells at Batista, but HHH shoves him and he lands on Batista, knocking him out. Back in the ring, Edge gets the offence and tries the spear, but Batista comes out of nowhere and hits a spinebuster. Pedigree on Edge, and the ref wakes up right then, and he gets the three count.
Commercials.
Another video of Simon Dean, Stacy Keibler, some Japanese guy, newspaper clippings, some Japanese guy that looks a lot like the Rock, and Randy Orton saying how great Japan is.
And our Heat Main event, Shelton Benjamin vs. Val Venis. ~ I know Val has had that haircut for a long time now, but he just looks weird with no hair. Lockup, headlock on Benjamin, Irish whip to a shoulder block, to a shoulderblock by Benjamin, to reversing takedowns, to reversing nip ups, to a staredown and the crowd going wild. That spot is almost Lazzi, it’s been done so much. Lockup and to the corner, clean break, another, clean break, and then another. Someone low blow someone, fer chrissakes! This lockup goes all the way to the other corner, and finally Val shoves Benjamin, but runs and gets back body dropped and dropkicked. Val clotheslines Benjamin, but Benjamin reverses an irish whip and clotheslines Val to the floor…and we have to take a break.
We’re back with Val begging off, but then throwing Benjamin to the floor. Benjamin climbs in, but Val stomps him down. Cover for 2! Val gets frustrated. Rear naked choke applied, and then a russion leg sweep by Val, and back to the rear naked choke. “He’s been looking for a victory for YEARS!” says Coach, and he’s totally right. Shelton powers out and hits the reverse enziguri. Shelton pounds away and knocks Val down. A couple of clotheslines, and Shelton goes up and hits the flying clothesline, and a count for 1, 2 and no! Irish whip reversed into a spinebuster by Val, and Val goes up and goes for the money shot but Shelton lifts the knees! Stinger Splash! T-Bone Suplex! 1, 2, 3!
Winner by Pinfall: Shelton Benjamin.
And that’s it for heat. Tune in to Raw tomorrow night and Heat again next week, and the week after that, and the week after that…
