The Midnight News 02.14.05

Love is in the air (per the Royal Rumble Mop-Up)

I thought it was funny. Even did a spit take once.

Matthew Thibodeau

Once?! There were… like… 9 HUGE laughs in that thing!!

Ayo, whats crack-alating Hyatte? I know you and I have had our differences in the past, but you killed it up with your Mop-up edition of the Midnight News. Seriously, the jokes were all funny. I particularly liked the Muhammad Hassan, Viscera, Cena, Vince McMahon, HHH, Orton Family, and Jim Ross jokes. My fav. joke was the one you made about Orton looking at HHH’s wedding ring. Good shit dude. Hell, you do this for Raw & Smackdown? You were on your game big time last night. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

Dwayne.

NO!!!

As far as I can recall, I’ve never had any “differences” with anyone named “Dwayne”…

What kind of asshole uses the word “crack-alating”?

Worst Mop-Up Ever!

Nestor Martinez

Very original… yes. Thank you. Creative juices are SO flowing in that little head of yours.

Hello Crack-alators. I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News! After pouring my very BEING into that crazy Mop-Up two weeks ago, I needed a well-deserved, God blessed rest… and no one could’ve stopped me! But now I’m back!! Back a refreshed and ready to celebrate Valentine’s Day the way EVERYONE should celebrate Valentine’s Day… by talking about WRESTLING!! PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!! YESSSS!!!!!

Oh, and last week was also the Superbowl, and I could NOT bring myself to do a wrestling column after watching a football game… THE football game… I felt it would be too damn gay. Bite it.

Anyway, let’s see what we got here…

BUT, PLUGS

Flea is currently in Mexico, chasing down street hustlers with two-headed coins and a taste for ripping off the gringos…

Not that I actually BELIEVE that Flea is capable of chasing down anything… because that would constitute some sort of RUNNING… which Flea doesn’t do…

But while he’s way, he left THIS. Go and click around on it. It’s a pretty ambitious set-up… for him. And my name is all over it. Go to it. Have fun.

That’s all the plugs I have… other than this…

Okay, get ready… take a few breathes… calm yourselves…

Ready? Okay…

I am well underway on AND ANOTHER THING: INDEPENDENCE ON A SATURDAY NIGHT

And it’s looking to be HUUUGE.

The time is fast approaching, my friends. Pretty soon, you’ll all be reminded… RE-REMINDED… of my greatness.

No gay sex either. Not this time around.

AGAINST ALL ODDS THIS THING MADE A DIME

Appropriate name, I must say…

TNA had a PPV last night… I have no idea what happened. I DON’T WATCH THIS SHIT!!

From what I gathered, the whole company is now basically not much more than old Nitro workers who I used to fast forward through while I was doing the Mop-Ups… and “stars” like Jeff Jarrett and DDP.

But I DO understand that Kevin Nash had THE MATCH OF HIS LIFE against Jeff Jarrett… well, maybe not the match OF HIS LIFE… but one HELL of a nice match… because Nash is now out to PROVE… umm… that he loves the business? I don’t know. Never showed any indication that he did before… why start with this?

And exactly WHAT odds are they talking about here? And what NERVE they have to do a “Road to Against All Odds” build up… as if they will take a single customer away from Wrestlemania.

Hicks… hillbillys… inbreds… yokels… rednecks… this is TNA.

If this show goes one more year I’ll be amazed.

BOB RYDER IS NO JOHNNY ACE!!!!!!!!

But Nash rules, goddammit!

SEX & THE SQUARED CIRCLE

This is a deep, detailed EXPOSE on the current SEXUAL SHENANIGANS that are currently tormenting the pure, masculine, non-gay BUSINESS of professional wrestling!!

Basically… it’s a bunch of comments on a bunch of current stories involving pussy of some sort… some of which EXCLUSIVE, NEVER BEFORE REPORTED on bits and incites!

Cand(ice) and Deliver

Now that she’s Miss Superbowl THING, expect Candice Michelle to get a VERY high profile role on TV… and expect to start hearing reports about how arrogant and snotty she’s about to become.

Look at it this way, while Ali Landry didn’t exactly become the next Carmen Electra after her Doritoes commercial a few years back, she DID manage to get steady television work and make some money. I’d say Candice’s GoDaddy spot generated the same amount of heat. EVERYONE… everyone OUTSIDE of wrestling fans are talking about the commercial.

Expect the WWE to try to sign her to a long term contract. Expect her to refuse. Expect her to not last too much longer afterwards.

In the meantime, enjoy these nudie pictures… including clips from a NAUGHTY little soft-core adult movie… three way!

Nice boobies… and she IS cute. I’d do her! I’d do Stratus more… and harder…

Hell, I’d do the tailpipe of a Dodge Stratus… and HAVE… ever get carbon dioxide in your balls? Ain’t fun, champ… not in the least.

Speaking of which..

Stratusfaction Downside Guaranteed

In case you’re wondering, I understand that Trish has re-signed with the company. For four years but she can get out after two. I sort of hope she does. She’s too damn beautiful to be tossed around and damaged like she has been this year. Broken thumb, smashed in knuckle, and in Alaske, Victoria mashed out her lip. After four years, she may start looking like Bertha Fay… BERTHA FAY, FOR CHRISSAKES!!!

But for now… I am now guaranteeing at least two more years of faithful Raw watching… and a whole LOT of spunk blasting on my hand and knuckles during and after… all week long… in all sorts of inappropriate locations (such as work, church, in front of this f*cking computer screen)… WOOOOO

Webber of Controversy

As far as this Amy Webber deal goes… the girl’s been around. I initially thought she was too young to get her lips blown up and the Botox treatment, but a reader suspeciously named ANDREW set me straight…

Re: Amy Weber – NOT too young for Botox injections. She was in Playboy News Stand Specials (not showing anything) when I was in my first 2 years of college – 10 years ago. She’s been around the block a bit.

Aha… plus I found out that she was Porceline Bidet on that crappy Son of the Beach series (which DID suck… you Stern fanboys can just accept it)… so she has been around.

But did she work as a stripper/happy ending giver in Japan, as that flyer that the “boys” found said? I don’t know. What i DO know is that when I went to Vegas in ’96, the goddam PHONEBOOK has a section… a FULL COLOR section right in the middle FILLED with girls who will “come to your room for a private lingerie show… and they advertised porn stars like Jill Kelly, Sindee Coxx, Julie Ashton, and Jenna Jameson (this WAS ’96, remember). I called for Jilly Kelly… I didn’t get goddam Jill Kelly… what I got was ten minutes of business-like sex for $300… and my dick almost broken (t’was a portly gal). But I DID get it while looking up at my ceiling mirror over my bed.

What I’m trying to say is that strip clubs and other businesses of a more sleazy nature do not honor such silly things as truth in advertsing. All they do is put whatever picture of whoever they want up there and assume that the girl they use won’t find out.

As for Amy Webber… I’m gonna miss her. Oh, she was pretty bad on camera and clearly didn’t give a shit about being there, but I have this habit of becoming drawn to certain girls, with no rhyme or reason, and fixating on them. I was drawn/fixated on Amy Webber. Might’ve been those damn tire lips. I hope she comes back. We need more drama backstage.

Meanwhile, Wade Keller posted the scans of the magazine cover Weber did, and the strip club flyer that took her mag pic and pasted it. He also had the NERVE to slip “pwtorch” on BOTH covers, so clueless morons like the Lords of Pain would have no choice but to advertise the Torch if they wanted to steal the scans. Now it looks like the Torch is part of the magazine AND the stripo club. Which is damn IMPOSSIBLE… because EVERYONE knows that the only stip club Wade Keller would be associated with are gay strip clubs.

Low rent, Wade… LOW… RENT! Ugh, he’s so f*ckin’ desperate for traffic. I’ll get into that later…

Where da’ white women at?

Apparently, in South Dakota… as this e-mail reports…

Hey Hyatte, We know that these wrestlers like to f*ck around with chicks. It seems like Shelton Benjamin has been f*cking around in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. How would I know? He got my best friend’s cousin pregnant. Seems he likes white chicks and she’s got jungle fever. Later man.

“Nick”

Ha!! Shelton’s likes the white meat!!!

But seriously… it ain’t his fault… them damn rubbers don’t come on “Elephant Trunk Size”… what’s a brother to DO??

From what I hear, Valentine’s Day is the SECOND most confusing day in Shelton’s year… the first being Father’s Day. He was heard to say, “Sheeit, father’s day is when I leave TOWN, mothafu**a! But I got so many keeds in so many towns, I forget which ones I’ve yet to infect!”

God bless Shelton… he’s a hero to us all!

And FINALLY….

Testify His Love

Speaking of a player who had his share of rats…

Andrew “Test”… umm… what was his last name? Martin? I forget…

Anyway… he did okay for himself. He might have had Stephanie… MIGHT have even bagged Stratus… and of course, nailed Stacey Keibler PLENTY of times… plus one assumes he had a LINE of rats ready and able with a snap of his fingers.

Then he was fired… and hurt his neck. Word is he’s really skinny these days. A busted neck doesn’t let you have a good workout.

Then Keibler dumped him for Ace Jr… who was obviously next on her list.

So what is Test doing now? How is he trying to regroup and keep up his poontang pace?

About me:

I’m from Canada and have lived in Tampa for 4 years, I enjoy working out going to the beach, traveling, riding motorcycles, taking my dogs for long walks and hanging out and having a good time

Whom I’d like to meet:

I like girls who like to have a good time, workout and take care of themselves I also like girls who just like to chill watch a movie and sometimes go out and get wild

He’s joined MySpace… which has no illusions about what it is… a “wanna f*ck” meeting site.

Look at the picture he put up… humble… puppy dog eyes… aw shucks demeanor… sad face. AWWWWW

And the f*cker IS SCORING… LOOK AT SOME OF THE GIRLS WHO IS ON HIS FRIENDS LIST…

Tanya Von Biatch!! HOLY GOD!!

Some guys just…. well, some guys just are able to operate on a completely different level then the rest of us… man!

Well, let’s just hope he has a small weenie! One can wish, can’t one?

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*The only natural food that will never go bad is honey.*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

YOU SAY YOU WANT A WRESTLEREUNIOOOON, WEEEELL YOU KNOW…

Two weeks ago, the poor bastards who work at the Doubletree Hotel in Tampa had to deal with a few dozen cranky, pissed off, drunk rasslers and a few hundred geeky mark-ass fans… and Flea.

Anyway, a veritable WHO’S WHO of IWC no-names were there… including the Torch’s Derek Burgan, who USED to have a bit of a sense of humor about all this… then he decided he liked being crawled deep into Wade Keller’s ass… alas…. another one bites the dust.

Anyway, I had a few different “reporters” out there (because getting Flea to tell a story without venturing off into various rants about how everyone’s a cocksucker is about as easy as getting sex after a first date at McDonalds) and received a few different reports…

So, for your benefit, I’d like to give you a sample of the ATMOSPHERE of the big convention… without some long-winded DEEP report, I offer you this… the SOUNDS from the convention…

Here are some things that was overheard at the giant Wrestlereunion show…

-“Fuck McMahon!”

-“Fucking Stephanie”

-“Helmsley can suck my cock”

-“Where’s my check?”

-“I was more over than the Rock! It should’a been me on screen!”

-“Holy shit, Funk’s still alive?”

-“When’re the rats getting here?”

-“My colostomy bag exploded!”

-“What kind of asshole would book this at a hotel that don’t have minibars?”

-“Man you assholes are old.”

-“What the hell is Don King doing here?”

-“Piper just grabbed my cock!”

-“I haven’t eaten in weeks, f*ck you where’s the free buffet?”

-“Yes Mr. Patterson, that is a banana in my pants, but I’m still happy to see you.”

-“Ah that Wendy Richtor, I remember when she used to suck a golf ball through a gardenhose.”

-“For chrissakes, Snuka, Put on some shoes!”

-“Looks like Roberts and Luger have been eating the powdered donuts again”

-“Can I borrow a couple’a grand? Please?”

-“I carried Flair to his best match.”

-“I never read the Internet”

-“Hyatte rules!”

-“No, I ain’t signing your copy of Wrestling’s One Ring Circus

-“Of COURSE I had Missy Hyatt and Trish Stratus in a three way! You callin’ me a liar?”

-“Who farted?”

-“Why does Heenan sound like he just swallowed Babydoll’s vibrator?”

-“Who the hell are these old bastards?”

-“God, will someone please shoot me!”

-“Oh I’ve wasted my life.”

So obviously, a good time was had by all!

But I have one more eyewitness report for y’all…

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

The WrestleReunion convention?

I got in on corporate rates, Diner’s Club, asshole! All I ended up doing was standing in line while all these f*cking mark cocksuckers ran around asking inside questions that no one understood. It was sad, man. One asshole started asking Terry Funk these ridiculous f*cking questions. Funk looked at me like, “What the f*ck do I do with these cocksuckers?” I shook my head at him. Luger was there, man. He’s not gonna last too much longer. He was all by himself with his stuff to sell. No one was buying. Scotty Riggs had to keep waking him up. I took a picture with him. He’s still big. His nostrils were the size of my eyeballs. Whoever has Luger on their Death list better start sp[ending the prize money cuz it won’t be that long. So I ended up at a Tampa strip club because I know the manager and just as I was leaving, in came DDP followed by a f*cking train of the biggest nerds you ever saw. Shit, I’ll bet the only pussy some of those cocksuckers had was the one they pushed out of when they were born. Sad scene man. I went up to DDP and said, “Hey, what are you doin’?” He said “Hey man.” I said, “Why are you bringing these marks with you, it’s f*cked up.” He said, “Don’t tell anyone I did this.” I left and went back to the Hotel bar. Nash was there, he was all coked up too. I said “Hey, what are you doin’?” He asked where DDP was. I told him he was at the strip club with a bunch of marks. Nash laughed and said, “I was supposed to meet him there. I’m glad I didn’t go.” We laughed. On Sunday morning I went to the breakfast buffet and who was sitting alone in the corner but Pat Patterson! I went over to him and said, “Hey, what are you doin’? Mind if I join you?” He said go ahead. I went and got breakfast. I thought of you Hy-Rate and brought over a big plate of FRUIT to the table! FRUIT, HY-RATE!! Patterson didn’t sell! He didn’t sell, the cocksucker. We talked for a while then Nick Bockwinkle joined us. Then I left. I couldn’t stay past Sunday morning. It was too sad, man. The whole weekend made me stop being a wrestling fan. You should’a came, Hy-Rate. At least I could’a watched you run around telling everyone “I’m Hyatte! The King of the Innernet! Hawr!” Fuck Piper, I almost jewslapped that cocksucker.

Flea: Currently in Mexico.

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Snoteater, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Fusion too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

He’ll put over Batista… for a while.

THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU” STARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED….

DOING LINES… CAUGHT ON FILM

Nothing too heavy here, a whole lot of fast one liners.

I found myself watching The Rundown a few times this past week on HBO…

Which I saw at the movie theater…

And on PPV…

AND in a hotel room…

AND goddam, it’s a movie you can watch over & over & over…

AND IT’S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD!!

SO, in honor of the fact that I can’t stop watching The Rundown when it’;s on… I’m going to open AND close this week’s segment with TWO quotes frokm the film… sonafabitch. It’s such an addictive flick.

01): I feel like a little boy who’s lost his first tooth, put it under his pillow, waiting for the tooth-fairy to come. Only two evil burglars have crept in my window, and snatched it, before she could get here…

(Pauses for Spanish translation)

Wait a second, do you understand… the CONCEPT… of the tooth-fairy? Explain it to them…

(Pauses for Spanish translation)

She takes the god damned thing, and gives you a quarter. They’ve got my tooth. I want it back.The Rundown

02): Trying is the first step towards failure.The Simpsons

03): You still drinking?

You still screwin’ my wife?

(Hayden pulls out a pack of cigarettes)

I’d prefer you didn’t smoke, Hayden.

Yeah, well I’d prefer it if you stopped screwin’ my wife.

She’s your ex-wife.

She wasn’t when you started screwin’ her.After Alice

04): Your beard’s not real.

It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.

How come?

I loved a woman who wasn’t clean.

Mrs. Claus?

Actually it was her sister.Bad Santa

05): Canadians are always dreaming up a lotta ways to ruin our lives. The metric system, for the love of God! Celsius! Neil Young!Canadian Bacon

06): I just want to go back to my room to think things over.

You’ve had your whole f*cking life to think things over, what good’s a few minutes more gonna do you now?The Shining

07): My first day at law school, my law professor said two things: When your mother says she loves you, get a second opinion. And if you want justice go to a whorehouse. You want to get f*cked, go to Court.Primal Fear

08): Why did all the dinosaurs die?

Because you touch yourself at night!Family Guy

09): Bert, what the hell is that?

Huh? Oh, I’m gonna go shoot some squirrels.

Why would you wanna kill squirrels?

’cause they’re gay.

Bert, don’t be a f*cking retard.

I’m kidding. I don’t care if they’re gay or straight, I’ll kill ’em either way.Cabin Fever

10): Let me get this straight – you never use guns?

No.

Never?

Never.

What if your best friend was gonna die, you wouldn’t pick up a gun?

No guns.

Santa Claus would pick up a gun to save his best friend.

Do I look like Santa Claus? Do I look like Santa Claus to you?

What do you say? Guns make you whooh-poco-loco? Bang-bang-crazy?

I pick up guns, bad things happen to people. I don’t like that.

What kind of things?

Very bad things, Travis. Walk.

What about knives?

Move.The Rundown

Wasn’t even that good a flick… damnit..

And you WONDER why the Rock doesn’t care about rasslin’ anymore? He’s a MOVIE STAR, dude… he carries flicks. He’s got IT.

And yeah, he isn’t going to be doing ANY WWE “straight to video” movies anytime soon. He doesn’t have to.

Anyway, let’s wrap this up with a double-shot of LOVE…. Love HYATTE STYLE!!

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE

So today is Valentine’s Day! Second only to Christmas as the most marketed, commercialized (non) holiday of them all.

No, scratch that, it’s first. Because at least with Christmas, you get a major holiday and general good cheer all around. Everyone is in a good mood around Christmas.

With Valentine’s Day there is a 50/50 shot that you are miserable all day long, because you are alone so you miss out on the WHOLE THEME OF THE DAY… and feel left out… you feel like a loser… you feel like a freak.

As for me? Eh… I had my share a good V-Days and bad ones. The most recent bad one was in 2003. I rang her cell phone 13 times that day. She was SUPPOSED to pick up, but never did. Broke my heart, it did. She’s online right now as I’m writing this, think I’ll get a V-Day greeting to make up for the blow off 2 years ago? HELL NO! She can’t be bothered to talk to me anymore. Strange girl. She’ll never know the type of greatness I could’ve brought her. GREATNESS… GREATNESS!

Doesn’t especially bother me, anymore. It HAS been a couple of years, after all. I’m only writing this down because I like being a wiseass and she hates it when I throw a “wink” at her in this column. Heh. What’s the worst she can do? Not talk to me? Too late!

Anywhoo… I thought that since it IS Valentine’s Day, and since my column is read primarily by losers. I thought I’d theme things up by running the always inciteful, always entertaining, always awesome Advice section! Four big questions from YOU, John Q. Dateless, all asking about one single mystery… the mystery of WOMEN!

And here we go… (my answers are in bold)

Hey,

Longtime Reader, blah blah. Anyway i have a severe problem, i’m really attracted to one of the chicks on the Food Network ( Giada De Laurentiis ), to the point where i watch her show, all the way through. Problem is, not only is there no nude pictures of her anywhere i can find on the net, there are next to none at all. Don’t know if anywone else in the world has this problem, but if they do some weirdo who is better at web designing than me must have a site or something, was wondering if you could find something through your usual porn “contacs.” Thanks, and oh yeah i wish i would have listened to the X-pac-China sex tape advise, that just wasn’t right.

D

Hey bozo, You think… maybe… there aren’t any nude pics of the girl because she never took any? I tried Freeones.com. Nothing. Sorry.

Way I see it, you have three choices: You can A) Keep watching her show with your pants around your ankles and let your imagination work it’s magic on you (hey, I spent every Sunday for about 5 years jacking off to Kelly Bundy on Married With Children and she has yet to do any nudity). B) Begin an obsessive hunt for everything about her and then stalk her. Does she do a set show with an audience or is her stuff filmed? In New York? Try to get tickets to her show and follow her home. What if she lives in a first floor apartment? What if she forgets to close the bathroom drapes before undressing!?!? Spy on her for a few months then knock on her door with some roses! She’ll be so impressed with you’re dedication that she might date you! and C) More realistically, find a porn star who can pass for her and presto… plausible nudity!! Plausible HARDCORE nudity!

Trust me, there is ALWAYS a porn start out there who looks like someone famous. Anyone remember that little Trish Stratus porno controversy from last year? Turns out it was actually someone named Rebecca Wild… who cares?

By the way, so long as you scour out your hard-drive with Spybot or Ad Aware afterwards, Freeones TOTALLY rocks the house, yo.

I have a quick one, my girlfriend of four years and I broke up about a month and a half ago. We’re on good terms and I still consider her a good friend (albeit, one that I never see because she lives far from me). I started dating someone else not too long after the break up, and the question is do I have an obligation to tell my ex that I’m seeing someone else? Does the fact that she broke up with me make any difference?

I’d like to stay anonymous if this makes the column.

Thanks.

Of course not. Not moral nor ethical nor legal nor spiritual.

Just think of all the cock she’s been sucking dry while not telling you.

Of course, you SHOULD tell her anyway, just to make her jealous and get that ego stroked. Always look for ways to get the ego stroked, kids… because we really have precious few opportunities to feel like a superstar.

Sup Hyatte? You might remember me sending an email for you’re guide to life thing a few months back when you were still at 411. I had a list of female problems including an ex girlfriend that feigned pregnancy when we were still together, to my cousin’s gf trying to hook up with me out of revenge. *shrugs* I DO remember you calling me out on using the word “f*cktard” twice…lol

Anyway, believe it or not, I took your advice to heart, and shit got infinately better for the next few months. I stopped talking to my ex gf, and got over her. The situation with my cousin and his gf just kinda went away, and I found myself a girl that goes to my school that I had been kinda attracted to for the past year, and made a relationship work…for the time being. And that’s where the problems come in.

This girl’s name is Maria. She’s this hot ass Italian semi-gothic chick and is an really original person. So after her looks initially attracted me, her personality had me hooked. We had dated for a month sometime last year, but lost contact over the summer, and at the begining of the school year back in August, we became friends again. And I mean, EVERY single weekend we did somethin together. I had the biggest crush on her, and tried repeatedly to date her but she wouldn’t go back out with me, giving off numerous excuses.

Well around late October, we had a 1 week break from school. During that break, the two of us spent every night doing something together, and on the 2nd night of the break, we finally kissed. Every day after that kiss, we did more. It went from a kiss, to making out, to foolin around, to f*cking. All in one week. But the thing is, we STILL weren’t dating. We did the whole “I love you thing”, everybody at school KNEW that we were f*cking and everything, and there was a mutual understanding that if we f*cked w/ anybody else, that it would be wrong. This went on for about a month, and she finally went out with me after me trying several times.

So for the next month we were official, and shit was great. But there was this ONE guy I was worried about. He was a longtime crush of hers, as I remember hearing about him from when we first met nearly a year ago. And she still talked to him occasionally, of course, she made sure to tell me that all of her feelings for him were gone after she “fell in love with me”. Her word was all I needed, afterall, she’s a brutally honest person, and I figured she had a decent set of morals. (Despite f*cking me for a month n not dating me)

Well, one week before we got out for Christmas break, she broke up with me. Giving me some big bullshit reason. Well the next day we talked, and she basically said that she wanted me back. Of course I took her back, and made her promise that she wouldn’t do any stupid shit like that again and she agreed. So all was well.

The next week our school was out for 2 weeks over Christmas holidays. The last friday of school, we went out to eat and had wild sex like always, but she told me that the next night she was going to her friend’s house for the week. As much as that sucked, I figured the time apart would do us both some good. Well, for the next few days I would try and try to talk to her, but I kept being blown off. Finally it was a Monday and she asked for me to pick up her, and her friend. We went out and did shit, and I spent most of the day with them, but I could tell Maria was acting diffrent. The next night I called her friend’s house, and talked to her friend, for some reason she wouldn’t give Maria the phone. It took me a few minutes to figure out why.

I could hear a guy’s voice in the background, and YEP, it was the old crush…I also heard her saying “You look like a puppy when I play with your hair. Do you wanna be my puppy? You can come sleep in my bed.” And I lost it. I got her on the phone and all hell broke loose. That night we broke up again.

We talked again that night, and she told me that she just doesn’t want a bf right now, and that it wasn’t like she was dumping me for someone else. That she DOES want me back, just not right now. Well 2 days later we talked, and she already had a new bf.

But no, just to make it more complex, it was a completely new guy. One I had never heard of.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I don’t know whether or not to just give up on her altogether, or to see if things will work. It’s been a little over a month since we broke up, and we still talk everyday, as friends of course. I just don’t know what to do. As long as we talk, the feelings will still be there, but I can’t stand to lose her now. Especially since a longtime female friend of mine, that was like the only person I turned to with problems, died last week…I need someone more than ever.

So my question is, what the f*ck should I do?

S.S

What the f*ck should you do? WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD YOU DO????

Douchebag… why invest ten seconds of energy in a girl who’s always looking for a better package? Why invest an IOTA of feelings into a girl whom you clearly can’t trust?

There are two types of sluts (or “boy jugglers”, if you prefer): The first type are hotties who know they are hotties and just want to play with as many boy hotties as they can while they’re young. These girls will calm down once the bags start filling up with fat under their eyes and they find themselves lathering on more and more makeup. Right around their late 20’s, early 30’s is when they start thinking long-term. That’s when they go for the nice guys with the great personalities. Right around the time they start realizing that looks fade and everyone ends up looking like they fell off the ugly tree and hit a few limbs going down.

The second type have issues. These girls need lots of love from lots of guys in order to feel pretty, or special, or human. It’s the whole Daddy Didn’t Love Me thing. It’s a common problem among most regular girls, especially in this age of high divorces.

Now this Maria is Italian, and because you pointed out that she’s Italian, this suggests that she’s a proud Italian from a proud Italian family… this means a STRONG family… with tight bonds. So I’m going to assume that she’s a Type 1 Slut. She just likes the thrill of jerking guys around and spreading wide for all the hotties. You had your turn in the mix, son. Now go off and find someone you can TRUST… or you’ll be in for a long, ugly few years of getting pissed on.

If it’s any consolation, Italian girls are famous for getting really, REALLY fat asses once they hit their 30’s… and maybe some upper lip hair. And her bush will grow out into a friggin’ African Rain Forest. I’ve seen this happen… more than a couple of times. You’re getting out while the gettings good!

Plus you should never argue with an Italian woman, because after she’s done screaming until your ears bleed, she’ll come at you with a butcher knife, then she’ll call her brothers and THEY’LL come over and go to town on your ass with pipes and tire irons.

Just… it’s just a bad scene, man. Count your blessings.

So, this month I was vacationing in Europe, and I met this amazing girl from Germany. We took a 5 hour train ride to Berlin, where we spent the most amazing 12 hours of my life. Just basically talking the entire time, not even sex, so it obviously isn’t solely a physical infatuation.

Anyway, now I’m back in the states, and I really can’t stop thinking about her. She’s the smartest person I’ve ever met, and not just a little gorgeous. We exchanged information, and we’ve talked every day since our one night together.

I don’t believe in love at first sight, and in fact I’ve only been in love once in my life, and that took months for me to figure out. But I’ve never felt so strongly so quickly about someone like I do about this girl. And yet I feel like since I’ll probably never see her again, the best thing for me to do is maybe cut off contact with her, just forget about her.

What do you think? Is a romance that can never be too painful to justify keeping up hope? Or should I take solace in the fact that I love simply talking to her, and accept that as the most I can ever get?

-Barry

Oh give me a break. I’ve seen this movie, it’s called Before Sunrise. Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpi. They did a sequel.

Who are you jerking, pal? I am f*cking Hyatte… you cannot, canNOT run a scam on me!

Oh, okay… let’s forget the time I thought Tammy Sytch was contributing to this column… I would’ve figure it out anyway… in time.

Whatever happened to that dude anyway?

Oh okay… over time you’ll lose the intensity you’re feeling over that wonderful, magical night and it’ll just become a pleasant memory. A mere life experience. A moment in time.

Long distance relationships CAN work, but there has to be a payoff, eventually. One or both of you will get too damn horny waiting for the other to show up, so you or her will end up grabbing a cock/pussy that’s more local. It’s just how things are done these days. Sex is sex and sex is cooooool.

So there you have it… as these examples clearly indicate… if Valentine’s Day was to have a theme song, it simply must be Love Stinks by the J. Geils Band

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can’t win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It’s gonna make you cry

I’VE HAD THE BLUES, THE REDS AND THE PINKS…
ONE THING FOR SURE IS….
LOVE STINKS
LOVE STINKS…. YEAH YEAH
LOVE STINKS
LOVE STINKS… YEAH YEAH
LOVE STINKS
LOVE FUCKING STINKS… YEAH YEAH
LOVE STINKS
LOVE STINKS… LOVE STINKS

OHH, YOU BASTARDS… ALL OF YOUS

LADIES LOVE COOL HY

I refuse to end things on a sour note… it is Valentine’s Day! Let’s wrap things up in a nice way… with HIDDEN MESSAGES!!

I’ve got a LOT of girls online who are either talking to me or not talking to me through either my choice, her choice, or whatever… but I’m pretty sure most of them read this… so this is for them..

(side note, I was about to do the typical Net thing and make a passing comment about any and all real life action I’m getting, just so I don’t look like a Net faggot who only “scores” online… but I won’t. Think what you want about me. if you wanna think I don’t get anything offline, then go right ahead. I don’t particularly give a shit. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on! You think Meltzer’s girl is anything special? You think Scherer’s wife is a super-model? You think Wade Keller’s boyfriend has a six pack? BULLSHIT!)

Anyway… for my special pack of females out there, here are secret, hidden messages aimed squarely at YOU:

1) To the former Kai: It wasn’t me, honey. But thank you SO much for putting me right on top of your list of suspects. Way to go. Appreciate it.

2) To Cocoa: Thanks for being the one I trust the most. It’s probably no coincidence that you’re also the one I’ll never get to shag.

3) To Briana: It’s okay to say hello. I know you miss me, you crazy nut. You’re also the prettiest girl I know, by the way.

4) To Kitten: She isn’t reading, so I won’t bother.

5) To (nickname deleted): Ohhh, I just recently shoved every worm back into this can and re-sealed it shut. No need messing around with this. Besides, she’s probably already found 16 hidden messages scattered throughout already.

6) To The Sunburned Canuck who loves her Chinhooks: I think I laugh more with you then with anyone else.

7) To Widro: You’re my favorite whiny Jew.

8) To Flea: Maybe my bestest friend ever.

9) To the Girl whose boyfriend never knew she owned a pair of handcuffs: I hope I’m giving you the intellectual release you so badly need, amongst other things.

10) To Ellmo: You are the only girl ON THE PLANET who I will SOMETIMES defer to when it comes to net business. I hope you recognize what a huge gift that is.

11) To the girl who lets me use her pass into PWinsider: Baby, you probably are responsible for more column material than even Flea! I owe you a HUGE debt.

12) To the Trish Stratus Imposter: The God’s honest truth is, I don’t know what kind of person Trish Stratus is, but your personality, your sense of humor, and your all around attitude puts you WAAAAY ahead of Trish in my book. I’d marry you before I’d f*ck Stratus… and that’s big. Thanks for the trust and letting me see past the disguise.

13) And to all the other girls who read me, enjoy me, and sometimes wonder what I would be like in the sack! I’d rock yer socks off, luv… no doubt. Boy’s got the will.

And that’s it. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!! You bunch’a saps!

This is Hyatte