The Crucifix

Archive

Boy last week was weird. Lawsuits, porn, the end of an era and I didn’t watch Smackdown. I try, I really do. I just wind up failing. It’s kind of like 3rd grade math; I just didn’t even have the chance. Oh yeah, Happy Valentine’s Day. Now honestly, if you’re reading this on Valentine’s Day then you don’t have one so you have only one option: DOWNLOAD ONE. On with the show…

Raw 02.07.05

– Chris Benoit def. Chris Jericho
– HHH and Flair talk.
– Christian talks and Stacy interrupts.
– Batista kills Maven
– Big Show pops up on the Tron, talking trash about Batista.
– GM Eric begs Dave to stay on Raw.
– Regal and Tajiri def. La Resistance to win the Tag Titles.
– Shawn Michaels def. Ric Flair
– Fashion Show…yeah.
– Edge bitches again.
– Randy Orton def. Tyson Tomko. Afterwards, Christian jumps Orton and lays him out with The Unprettier.
-Triple H def. Edge with help from Dave. Dave stares at the belt while HHH stares at him to end the show.

The Raw Membrane
Legally

– Stacy is guilty of being a dumbass. Once again, maybe turn up the hearing aid: ORTON IS NOT WORTH IT.
– Maven is guilty of being a dumbass too. You don’t talk trash about Big Dave right now. He’ll kill you.
– Big Show is guilty of breach of contract by appearing on Raw.
– WWE is guilty of reverse racism by giving Tajiri the belt in Japan.
– WWE is guilty of wasting precious Japanese minutes with a silly fashion show. Even though Victoria was in it.
– Edge is guilty of being a whiny little girl.
– Dave is guilty of coveting thy Game’s title.

Personally
– If you sit me down in front of a TV and say, “Which match do you want to watch?” I’ll ask for Benoit-Angle, but Benoit-Jericho is damn close.
– Christian is my new favorite human being after the Basic Instinct commercial. If Stacy talks trash again, he should be like “I love you.”
– Maven still has *cough*potential*cough*, I think.
– Funny, Big Show isn’t entertaining regardless of the show.
– You think Tajiri was over? Maybe just a little?
– Shawn Michaels against Ric Flair. Screw Rock against Hogan, this is a real dream match.
– How soon before it’s “Randy Night Heat” with the main event being a pillow fight between Orton and Simon Dean?
– Once again, Christian is an ace in my book.
– I’m shocked, no I’m AMAZED that Edge lost.
– That ending, to quote the greatest tag team of all time, TOTALLY RULED!

Like I said, I didn’t watch Smackdown. If you email me to complain you are, by default, asking me to be your Valentine so don’t even try it. What? Don’t you talk back you little b****!


The Crown Of Thorns: Raw
– Tajiri and Regal defend against…oh that’s right they beat the only other tag team on Raw,
– Batista finally turns on Triple H.
– Randy Orton bleeds out of the ears, Stacy cries. Christian hits him with another con-chair-to for fun.
– Muhammed Hassan jumps Shelton Benjamin and hits him with (my new choice of name for his finisher) The Landing Strip.
– John Cena pops up on the Tron talking trash about Batista.

The Crown Of Thorns: Smackdown
– Big Show hits JBL with the choke slam onto barbed wire.
– Carlito gets Teddy Long fired.
– Long gets replaced by Shane McMahon.
– Kurt Angle dresses up a midget as HBK and pulverizes him.
– Luther Reigns asks The Bashams if they want to give Jindrak a throw.


Why Victoria Rules

Victoria Rules Because:
Look how happy she was when she found out she was Dan Hevia’s Valentine!
Visit Victoria at ViciousVixen.com


The Voice Of This Person

I’m going to change this up a tiny bit this week because something has been bothering me for a while. It is something that all of you have seen in the news. Basically, I am here to stand up for someone. I’m standing up for Jason Giambi. That’s right, I’m standing up for Jason Giambi. “Why” you ask? Because although Giambi took steroids, which was boneheaded, he did one thing that nobody in the game did. It’s a very simple thing that everyone should do. Jason Giambi told the truth. If you aren’t a Yankee fan or the hate the Yankees, that’s fine. Just don’t believe the reports that “Giambi is dodging the questions to save his money.” That’s bull. Giambi didn’t use the word “steroids” because if he did, he violates his agreement with the grand jury and he goes to jail. Is he a sensitive guy that will probably be rattled to all hell when Red Sox Nation serenades him at Fenway April 11th? Hell yes. But understand this: Giambi is the only stand-up guy so far. Barry Bonds says he thought the cream he was putting on his knee was flaxseed oil. That’s like saying Blatt didn’t know it was Vaseline. Gary Sheffield says he didn’t know it was steroids he was taking. Horse malarkey says I. Mark McGwire says he didn’t take steroids. Riiiiight…has anyone compared pictures from his early days to his latter days? Now Jose Canseco comes out with a book calling everyone out. He does this for money and nothing else. He doesn’t want to “save the game he loves,” he wants to make cash. He will, but he should never step near a ball field again. Back to my point: Give Jason Giambi the credit he deserves for going in front of a jury and not lying like everyone else. Give him credit for apologizing. Give him credit for being human. He made a mistake, a very big mistake that will forever taint his name in baseball. But he didn’t lie about it. He told the truth, so there is no reason to crucify him.


News and Thoughts


What a week for bopping the bishop at WWE’s expense! First we have Christy going to do Playboy and InsidePulse throwing the picture out for your viewing pleasure. We have Amy Webber quitting because her face was on a flier for a massage with happy ending in Japan. Let’s recap this: A f***ing flier, in f***ing Japan, has Amy Webber’s picture on it and apparently she is a Geisha whore. Then we have Candace, Miss GoDaddy.com. Not the first time she was saying “GO DADDY!” because she’s done soft-core porn! WOW. I stand corrected, that $250,000 was the best spent I have ever f***ing seen. I don’t even think Vince thought it could get this good. He knew going in that Carmella was a Playboy chick, but could he have foreseen the good fortune of having dozens of these chicks just completely naked all over the place? I’m half expecting Rabbitee the Rabbit to call for a blood orgy soon.

– Getting away from females but keeping with sex, Hyatte reports on Test, yes…Test, looking for some fun in Tampa. Check it out. That’s just plain sad. But mega kudos to Hyatte for finding it. He always seems to find the funniest shit to us, saddest shit to the person we mention.

– The Basic Instinct commercial for Wrestlemania 21 is the best so far. I ordered a Christian shirt from WWE.com after seeing it. “How about any Sadomasochistic activity? Just saying” will fall in place as classic for a long time.

– The Rock is “done” with WWE. This sucks. I like Rock but I was kind of sitting back hoping the movie thing failed because I want to see him on TV full time. Either way, here’s hoping he does well in Hollywood and maybe gets the bug again sometime down the road.

– Brock Lesnar is suing to get out of his no compete clause. HAHAHAHAHA. You think he turns to Rena and says “I learned it by watching you alright! I learned it by watching you!” Seriously though, what is he thinking? I stood with the MSG faithful almost a year ago in wishing Brock the best of luck the New York way. He bolted from the company that made his name, thinking it would be an easy thing to go play football in the NFL. Sorry Brock, but you don’t know jack about football and you can’t even get into NFL Europe. Now you’re screwed and you can’t do anything other than yard work for like 10 years. That’s hilarious!

– The locker room was a little upset by Batista squashing La Resistance. I can’t say I blame them. He should’ve just crushed The Superheroes. Imagine him hitting the spine buster on Rosey onto Hurricane. That would’ve been nasty.

-PK is realizing his boyhood dream, as it seems Billy Gunn is going to main event a Pay Per View, albeit with TNA. From reports I’ve read, it seems as though The New Generation was out in full force for TNA last night. Seriously, read the recaps for the main event. Tell me you haven’t seen this crap before in WWE. “It’s Big Daddy Cool against J-E-HA HA-Double F HA HA J-A-HA HA-R-HA-E-HA-DOUBLE T! Look it’s Billy Gunn and his air pistols! It’s The Real Double J! Look at that it’s the 1-2-3 Kid!”. The only thing that can save this is if they bring in Joanie Laurer loaded with so many 8-balls she takes out half the promotion.


Plugging It In

Hyatte is back, giving the usual goodness and the aforementioned “Testicles wanted.”

Andy, your column is pretty damn good dude.

Gordi asks the good question of whether or not Nikolai Volkoff deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.

I won’t even plug my blog. I suck.


I need answers, right now. Which WWE chick will be found to have done crazy porn in the next week?

Well, Happy Valentine’s day and everything. Wait, f*** that shit, everyone who reads this are guys…I think. Do I have any women readers?

Anyways, I have to go get ready for my Valentine’s date with Victoria. Now where did I put those chocolates?

DAMN IT EUGENE!