The Netcop Rant for St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
– Live from Mempho
– Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler, who gets a mega-pop and
a “Jerry” chant to boot.
– Really cute promo to start.
– Opening match: Goldust v. Bluedust. Well, gee, I suppose that if we
thought REALLY hard we could think of a worse opener, but I don’t see
how. Goldie does his usual stuff and then a comedy match erupts.
Meanie humps Dustin’s leg, and then Dustin spanks him. Eww, I didn’t
need to see Meanie’s ass. Goldust goes for the Shattered Dreams, but
Bluedust escapes and misses the moonsault (of course). Curtain Call,
goodnight Meanie. * Goldust kicks him in the nuts for good measure.
– Heat hilights: Austin and McMahon take out their aggression on each
other.
– Hardcore Title Match: Al Snow v. Bob Holly. This is apparently for
the vacant title. Cole says that this will go a long way towards
erasing the memory of Sparky Plugg. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Are you NUTS,
Cole, that joke will haunt Holly forever. We head back to the dressing
room right away, where there are conveniently tons of foreign objects
laying around. Then out of the building, for a fight in the great
outdoors. I can’t believe Snow, who I just watched in a **** match with
Chris Benoit from 1995, has been reduced to this nonsense. We head down
to the riverbank, as Snow rips apart a fence and introduces Holly to his
girlfriend, “Barbie Wire”. Wasn’t that a Pamela Anderson movie? Holly,
of course, gets tossed into the water and they do a river sequence.
Holly finds a roll of fencing and wraps Snow up in it, getting the pin
and the Hardcore title. Because when you think of Hardcore, think
Sparky Plugg. But hey, if you can’t get him over as a wrestler, get him
over as a brawler, I guess. **1/2 This was good enough.
– Earlier today, the Ministry has a bonding moment.
– Big Bossman (w/ nightstick) v. Midion (w/ eye). Oh, this is so fun.
I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say a huge “BORING” chant
breaks out. After about 8 minutes of shit, Bossman hits the Bossman
Slam for the pin. Lights out, and the Ministry beating begins. Please,
Mabel, injure Bossman so he doesn’t wrestle anymore. Bossman gets
carried to the back by the Ministry. Yeah, I care. DUD
– WWF Tag Team Title match: Don’t Piss On Canada v. D’Lo Brown & Mark
Henry. Dull match. The faces control for the first couple of minutes
until Owen and Jarrett sucker D’Lo into the corner and take over, which
is a Good Thing because D’Lo is talented and Henry isn’t. Cole decides
to use Hitler’s Big Lie theory, again calling Owen a 5-time tag team
champion. D’Lo manages to hit a running powerbomb out of the corner to
allow the hot tag to Sexual Chocolate. A brawl erupts, and D’Lo gets
the Skyhigh for two. He goes to the top, but Debra shows some skin to
distract him. Ivory yanks her down and they tease a catfight, while
Henry goes for the kill on Jarrett. In the confusion, Owen smashes the
guitar into Henry’s bad knee (psy-col-o-gy?) and Jarrett hooks the
figure-four for the win. Ivory rips Debra’s jacket off for good
measure. *1/2 Not horrible or anything, but this show is dragging.
Although it’s been less than a hour so far.
– Mankind interview.
– WWF Intercontinental title: Ken Shamrock v. Val Venis. Special ref
Billy Gunn gets the catchphrase in, of course. Ryan’s dress is barely
there, although Val must have read my RAW rant because he makes sure he
goes in under the MIDDLE rope this time. Damn. The match is nothing,
as Ken kicks away at Venis and argues with Gunn. Venis comes back with
his usual, playing the heel for some reason. Crowd is dead. Val rams
Shammy into the post backfirst and goes for the CAMEL CLUTCH OF DOOM~!
Cole then segues into a discussion of the Iron Sheik, who is there
tonight for god knows what reason. I mean, THE IRON FUCKING SHEIK?
Billy Gunn might be a passable wrestler, but he’s a horrible referee.
Why is this dog getting so much time? Cole fills time by plugging
upcoming shows. Shamrock gets a DDT, but Gunn counts two and then
stops. Ah, double screwjob coming up, I can see. Shamrock isn’t
impressed and tells Gunn so, using the word “f*ck” in there somewhere in
a Scott Steiner moment. Venis with the Perfectplex but Gunn slow counts
him too. Oh, lord, I can just feel the no decision. Venis puts
Shamrock down and goes for the Money Shot, but Shamrock tosses him down
and hits the rana for one. A slow one count at that. Shamrock snaps
and applies the ankle lock, but Gunn ignores Ryan pulling Val to the
ropes. Shamrock is upset and shoves Gunn, who decks Shamrock back and
tosses him in the ring…for the Venis pin?!? What the hell? Venis is
the NEW Intercontinental champion and I had no clue that was coming.
Match was **-ish, nothing horrible but pretty boring. Gunn beats up
Venis for the hell of it.
– Mr. Socko has a t-shirt. Yes, the sock now gets residuals.
– Kane & Chyna v. HHH & X-Pac. You know, this really isn’t a fair
fight, because 3 of the people only have one name, and Helmsley has
three, so it’s kind of 4-on-2. Man, I wish I could shoot pyro out of
the furniture when *I* walked into the room. Kane and HHH have matching
tights tonight. Shane is providing color commentary and being a dick.
Kane wipes out X-Pac and tags in Chyna, who ends up in the corner and
almost takes a Broncobuster (which, from the sounds of it, would’ve
gotten a huge pop). HHH gets to play talentless-hack-in-peril for a
bit, which is cool because selling is about all he does well. Chyna
makes a pretty good accounting of herself, selling and dishing out with
the boys punch-for-punch. Damn, this is pretty f*cking intense match.
D-X double suplexes Kane and tosses Chyna off the top onto Kane, then
double-DDTs Kane, who no-sells. Kane misses a charge to the post and
X-Pac decks Shane. X-Pac gets dumped on his head back in the ring to
make him pothead in peril. Chyna is doing more than HHH usually does,
with more intensity. X-Pac is just taking a hellacious asskicking here.
HHH gets the hot tag and absolutely decks Chyna, then dumps Kane over
the top rope. Hunter with the high knee (sigh), but Kane pulls him out
of the ring and they brawl. Chyna ends up in the corner again and this
time X-Pac really does hit the Broncobuster to a big pop. Shane attacks
from behind and X-Pac chases him back to the dressing room, while HHH
takes out Kane, which then leaves Chyna alone with HHH. Facebuster, but
Kane breaks up the pedigree attempt and chokeslams Hunter, putting Chyna
on top for the pin. GREAT MATCH! ****, no shit. I’m seriously wanting
to see a singles match between HHH and Chyna now.
– WWF World title match, Last Man Standing: Mankind v. The Rock. Big
pop for both guys. They go fighting to the entranceway almost
immediately. Rock DDTs Mankind through a table and they fight back in
some more. I can’t really be objective for this match because I’m
wearing my official “Smell What the Rock Is Cookin'” T-shirt. Back to
the ring, where Foley actually tries his own version of the People’s
Elbow, but it misses. Rock beats on him outside the ring and does some
commentating. Mankind takes him out and drops the big elbow off the
apron, onto Rock, who is laying on the table. Mankind tosses the stairs
into the ring and charges Rock, but Rock blocks with his foot and Foley
eats the stairs. Rock grabs a chair and goes nuts on Mick’s leg, and I
have momentary fears of a repeat of the Royal Rumble booking. It is
smart psychology, however, because you have to stand up to win. Rock
does the old “miss the chairshot, bounce it off the top rope, and hit
yourself in the head with it” bit and Mick follows with the Cactus
Clothesline. Neckbreaker on the floor, and Mick brings him back over
to the re-assembled commentator’s table and tries a piledriver. Rock
reverses and backdrops Mick onto the timekeeper’s table, smacking Mick’s
head on the edge of the commentator’s table in the process. Rock climbs
in the ring, grabs the stairs, and tosses him down onto Foley’s leg!
OUCH! Back in the ring for the Corporate Elbow. Rock grabs the mic and
does the “Most electrifying…” line, which the crowd finishes for him.
Holy shit, my boy Rocky is crazy over. Rock debuts “Smackdown Hotel” on
PPV, and the crowd finishes singing the chorus for him. Wild. Foley
climbs up and applies the Mandible Claw, presumably to stop the bad
singing. Hebner gets bumped by Rock. He slowly climbs in and delivers
an 8 count to Rock. Rocky takes a swing with the chair, but misses and
Mankind gets the DDT on the chair for a 9-count. Mr. Socko is out and
put to use, but Rocky reverses to the Rock Bottom. Both guys grab a
chair and do a simultaneous chairshot, which puts both out for a
10-count, and we have a draw. Big-ass “Bullshit” chant from the crowd,
but Mick is still the champ. And this should probably set up
Wrestlemania nicely. ****
– Main Event: Steve Austin v. Vince McMahon. And it all comes down to
this. McMahon starts running right away, before they even get into the
cage. They fight into the crowd for a bit, and Vince tries climbing
into the cage to escape. Austin follows him up, and Vince sends a
message to everyone on his roster by taking a model SUPER MAN-SIZED WITH
CHEESE AND BACON ULTRA-BUMP, going flying off the cage and crashing
through the Spanish announce table and doing a stretcher job. Now
everyone who thinks Vince is being selfish for booking himself in the
main event can kindly shut up, I hope. But that’s not enough for
Austin, who rightly points out that the match isn’t even started yet,
and sends Vince’s stretcher slamming into the cage for another MAN-SIZED
BUMP, then drags him into the cage to begin the ass-whooping. Vince
gets literally no offense, as Austin batters him from one side of the
cage to the other and walks out, but Vince flips him the bird, causing
Austin to change his mind. He beats on Vince some more, tossing him
from the top of the cage to the mat at one point, then ramming him into
the cage twice, as Vince does a primo blade job. Austin climbs
out…but Vince offers him another pair of middle fingers to show his
appreciation, and Austin again turns back for more punishment. Another
beating follows, then the Stunner. Austin gives Vince the
bad-mouth…and who should break through the ring, but Paul Wight!
Vince yells at Wight to kill Austin, so Wight tosses Austin into the
cage like a child, and the cage breaks. Austin falls to the floor and
wins the match. Good ending, and great effort from the 50-year old
Vince. *** Now this is the satisfying thrashing that we’ve been
waiting for, and once Austin wins the title at Wrestlemania, he can
hopefully move onto feuding with Titan, who *was* identified as Paul
Wight by Cole and Lawler. Not-The-Giant consoles Vince as we’re at the
end of the show.
The Bottom Line:
Well, it was looking to suck for the first hour, but that sucker sure
picked up at the end. This breaks the string of mediocre PPVs with a
good effort from the top card here, and hopefully Wrestlemania will
follow the same pattern.
Thumbs up, especially since I wasn’t expecting much from this show.
