The SmarK RAW Rant – February 14 2004
– Live from Cincinnati, OH
– Your hosts are JR & King
– We start with the Highlight Reel, as Jericho pays tribute to the dead NHL season with a Rangers jersey with his name on it. His guest is one of the random diva wannabes, who apparently more people are talking about than the Super Bowl. Yeah, I know all the kids around the watercooler are just raving about whatever her name is. Thankfully, Hassan interrupts (never thought I’d say that) and lets us know that Chris Jericho is the poster child of stupidity. Wasn’t that Christy Hemme? So they yak and it’s ON. TONIGHT. RIGHT NOW. Brutal opening segment, as the woman isn’t even convincing playing herself.
– Chris Jericho v. Muhammad Hassan. Joined in progress, as Jericho gets a vertical suplex and the arrogant cover for one. He chops him down and reverses a sunset flip into an attempt at the Walls, but Hassan makes the ropes quickly. Jericho knocks him off the apron with a shoulderblock and comes back in with a high cross for two. Jericho stops to go after Daivari and gets caught from behind with an atomic drop, as Hassan takes over. He drops elbows on the back and chokes away, and Hassan gets a suplex for two. We hit the chinlock. Jericho fights out and comes back with a leg lariat and forearms him down, then makes the comeback with the running knee. Into the Walls, but he escapes again, so Jericho bulldogs him and tries the Lionsault. That misses as usual, so the Flashback gets two. He stops to go after Daivari again, and it’s the WMD, goodnight at 5:20. Jack Bauer would never stand for that shit. That’s probably why I watch 24 over RAW now. Jericho did a good job working for 2 people, though. *1/2
– Meanwhile, Ric Flair plots with Lemmy! Wow! Oh, wait, it’s HHH with a new beard.
– Meanwhile, Orton and Stacy continue flirting. Didn’t Orton see Joey? Valentine’s Day dates are BAD.
– Meanwhile, Flair informs Batista that JBL is coming tonight. And HHH said so, so it must be true. I love how they’re not even paying lip service to the possibility that Big Show might win the title on Sunday now.
– Intercontinental title: Shelton Benjamin v. Gene Snitsky. Well, nice to see Gene getting on with his life. Gene now has a tongue stud. For KILLING BABIES, I bet. Benjamin knocks him down to start and gets the Blinger splash, but Snitsky powers him down and gets two. We hit the chinlock, as Snitsky has apparently exhausted his arsenal, and tosses Shelton into the corner for a splash that gets two. Snitsky slugs away in the corner, but Benjamin goes up with the flying clothesline for two. Snitsky slams him for two. A SLAM? Good god. Clothesline gets two. Benjamin escapes the Coat Hanger, but runs into a boot, and that gets two. Snitsky pounds away and argues with the ref, which results in a long stall session, and Snitsky grabs a chair for the DQ at 4:33. Awful, with terrible offense from Snitsky and bad near-falls. 1/4* But at least it didn’t end with Kane chokeslamming him STRAIGHT TO HELL or something.
– RAW World tag titles: William Regal & Tajiri v. La Resistance. Ah, I see La Rez has also exercised their rematch clause. The messer has become the messee! Conway slugs Regal down to start and grabs a headlock, and gets two. Grenier comes in with his own headlock, but Regal elbows him down and brings in Tajiri, who kicks him into a leg lariat and standing moonsault for two. He kicks Conway off the apron for good measure and goes for the Tarantula, but Grenier blocks, so Tajiri bulldogs him instead. Regal comes in for the brawl, allowing La Rez to double-team Tajiri in the corner. Quick thought: If Eugene was due back any time soon, there might actually be a story with spurned tag partner Rhyno brainwashing Eugene to get revenge on their partners. Tajiri comes back with the handspring elbow and makes the hot tag to Regal, who elbows everyone. He tosses Grenier and gets a suplex on Conway, and the high knee gets the pin at 4:15. That was pretty darn decisive. *1/4
– Randy Orton v. Christian. Christian attacks to start, and that doesn’t go well. Orton takes him down for a pounding and grabs a headlock, then shoulderblocks him down and gets two off that. Back to the headlock, but Christian takes over with choking in the corner, so Orton slugs back and dumps him via a clothesline. Orton stops to go after Tomko, and Christian tries to sneak up on him, but Orton is apparently too smart. Back in, they slug it out in the corner and Christian dumps him this time, and now Tomko gets his damage done. And we take a break. Back with Christian in control with a chinlock and Tomko gone to the dressing room. Orton cradles him out of the corner for two, but Christian slugs him down again for two. Neckbreaker and an elbow gets two. Back to the chinlock again, and he counters the RKO with the inverted DDT, which gets two. Orton comes back with a whip into the corner, and they slug it out, allowing Orton to make the comeback. Backdrop and Orton pounds away with forearms, but Christian tries the DDT again and gets powerslammed as a result. That gets two for Orton. Orton goes up and gets the high cross for two. Blind charge misses and Christian rolls him up for two. Christian decides that pulling a turnbuckle off would be a good move, and that allows Tomko to sneak back in with a big boot on Orton that gets two for Christian. Christian spazzes out and tries the Unprettier, but Orton reverses to the backbreaker and the RKO is blocked again. Unprettier is reversed to the RKO for real at 16:21. Good stuff from both guys. ***
– Trish joins us and brings out Christy Hemme, who has apparently decided to get naked for Playboy. Didn’t take them for them to try to cash in there, although really who can blame them? Anyway, Christy is SPUNKY and gets in Trish’s face, so Trish smacks her down and stuff. I’m sure we’ll be subjected to a match soon.
– Simon Dean v. Kane. Simon doesn’t even get an entrance now. He begs for his life beforehand, which is a different tactic than most people try, but Kane beats him up outside anyway. Into the ring and Simon tries running away, then opts for using the bag instead. He pulls his powder out, gets it kicked back in his face, and Kane takes him outside and further destroys him. Back in, Kane mocks him a little bit and then puts the character out of its misery with a chokeslam straight to OVW at 2:34. This was a complete and total burial of the character. To quote Great White, hey hey baby, this is the big goodbye for Simon Dean as far as I can tell. DUD
– Meanwhile, Coach stirs up trouble with Shawn Michaels, bringing up Kurt Angle again.
– Edge v. Batista. Batista powers him into the corner to start and fights off a headlock. He pounds away in the corner again and elbows him down, but a blind charge misses. Edge tries a whip out of the corner, but Batista tosses him and they fight outside. Edge gets the Edge-O-Matic on the floor. Back in, choking follows, and a neckbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock, but Dave swats Edge down and comes back with a powerslam. Edge goes up and gets hammered coming down, but gets the DDT and sets up for the spear. Batista counters with the spinebuster and demon bomb, but HHH runs in for the DQ at 6:02. Batista was ridiculously protected here again. *1/4
– Evolution all heads back to the dressing room as JBL’s limo has apparently pulled up, but Batista wants to handle it himself! However, when he heads into the parking lot to confront him, the limo tries to run him down, and HHH is coincidentally ready to push him out of the way and thus save him. If 24 has taught me anything, it’s that a man whose heart is pure enough can get run over by a car and slam into the windshield without a scratch on him. That and don’t trust people of Middle Eastern descent or black women.
The Inside Pulse:
Nothing terribly exciting this week as RAW continues in the holding pattern before the big build for Wrestlemania starts. The payoff to the HHH storyline is pretty obvious, but they’ve gotta do it that way. The rest was pretty dull stuff with the exception of a good match from Orton, a rarity these days.
