Byte Me! Inside Pulse’s Byte This Report: 2.9.2005

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Sorry for the long absence, but between a road trip to my parent’s house and a medical issue that’s been plaguing me, I’ve been rather busy. I’m not sure how much longer I’m gonna be doing Byte This to be honest, I’m gonna need some definite medical attention in the future and I might have to drop some extracurricular activities in the interim. Anyway, enough of my crap, it’s Byte This time.

The show starts with footage of Benoit fighting Too Cold Scorpio from around ’95. These two are frickin’ excellent, it’s just amazing to watch old footage of these guys.

Generic theme #2265472 brings us to… Byte This! We’ve got Josh Matthews and Marc Loyd this week, and immediately they pimp the 24/7 channel. Josh fits in “off the chain” almost immediately. I thought he had given up on that catchphrase! Marc isn’t quite sure if he should refer to the Japanese shows as a “tour”, and then tells us that Batista is gonna be on tonight’s show.

They briefly discuss the mysterious Smackdown videos being shown on Raw before Josh fills us in on the next guest, author Robert Caprio. Tazz suddenly wanders in and breaks up the show. He makes fun of Marc and tells them that he’s on the show to give the heterosexuals something to care about. He then tells the audience that the only reason he’s in WWE headquarters this late is because he’s also on the cleanup crew. Josh tries to steer the show towards the guests (which also reveals Orlando Jordan will be here) but it’s pretty much three guys talking over each other.

Josh tries to promote the Rob Van Dam DVD (the website will also give you an RVD hat if you order from them!) and they go to break.

The Braveheart/HHH commercial plays. I love when Flair “woos” the donkey.

Idiotic comment of the night: “Can you imagine riding a donkey all the way to Wrestlemania?” – Josh Matthews. Robert Caprio is on the line and he starts to promote the book before Tazz breaks in and asks why he wasn’t consulted about the book. Caprio says that Tazz’s agent told him he couldn’t talk, so he had to get a bunch of Al Snow stories instead. Caprio ended up going to a bunch of shows in order to interview the wrestlers, and he was amazed at what the superstars go through. Tazz fits in a Josh Matthews barb, to no reaction. Caprio collected a series of tapes full of stories but he had to cut some great ones in order to cut it down to proper book length. Robert’s favorite story was from Flair, who had a mental breakdown on the way to Japan but still was forced to do the show after flying back to America and picking up his wife and manager.

Tazz thinks that the book will be a great toilet read. Caprio ignores him and adds that Jericho had some amazing international stories and J.R. told some fascinating stories about the olden days. The crew dumps Caprio and Josh talks about getting engaged before a final pimp for the book. Tazz shreds Marc and Josh for being so unprofessional, which makes Josh screw up the transition into the break. Tazz seems to be wishing disaster on today’s show, and I can’t wait ’til it all breaks down!

Footage of Simon Dean shredding on the Japanese crowd (who can’t understand him) before Akibono tries to climb into the ring. Dean calls Akibono “Yoko Ono”, which I didn’t catch the first time around.

Josh suddenly interrupts the clips and seems to be in a fight with Marc. Tazz lays in a few more digs on Marc and Josh while Droz joins us. Josh wants Droz’s thoughts on Raw in Japan. Droz thinks that it must have been an honor, and points out the difference between American and Asian crowds. Marc wonders what advice Droz would give Batista at this point, and Droz immediately thinks that Triple H should be his opponent at ‘Mania. Droz’s secret hate for HHH comes out again! He’s been dogging on H for the last four years.

Josh brings up the Barbwire Steel Cage match that’s about to happen at No Way Out. Droz thinks that Big Show and JBL should be excited to do a new kind of match. Marc brings up some word association stuff about the Hall of Fame for both Tazz and Droz.

The Iron Sheik = Droz: “Hammer.”/Tazz: “Is this word association? I don’t play that.”
“The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart = Droz: “Mouth.”/Tazz: “Crazy, zany and silly.”
Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Orndorff = Droz: “Stud.”/Tazz: “Wonderful.”
“Cowboy” Bob Orton Jr. = Droz: “Rough.”/Tazz: “Tough.”
Nikolai Volkoff = Droz: Stalls and casually mentions that he’s part Russian/Tazz: “I have a Russian barber!”

That died quickly. They drop Droz, Josh pimps the Hall of Fame ceremony, Tazz drops some trivia (Name three partners that RVD has been with in the WWE when he’s won the tag title belt), and they go to break.

My Iron Sheik story: At a sci fi convention in which I was promoting a film I had worked on, the Iron Sheik introduced himself to me in a bar. He was very nice, and shockingly short and immobile. Later that night he was openly asking for weed from people in the hallway, although he kindly avoided asking Billy Dee Williams.

Footage of Orlando Jordan vs. Charlie Haas.

Amanda from Ohio answers the question (Kane, Rey Jr. and Booker T) as the sound goes all wonky for a few minutes. Things clear up just in time for Orlando Jordan to come on. He was a great guest last time, so let’s see how he does now. Josh asks him how his Japan trip was. Orlando thinks that the Japanese people loved JBL and crew. Tazz tries to ask if the fans were chanting JBL’s name, but Orlando can’t hear him. Marc finally asks the question, and the answer is yes. Josh tries to ask if Orlando was on the same tour as everyone else, but instead Orlando makes fun of Josh’s goatee. He also can’t believe that Teddy Long would make a steel cage/barbwire match, and casually mentions that JBL is the longest lasting champion. Whah?! They make fun of Josh a bit more and somehow Booker T is brought up. Orlando does not like Booker T, but before he can elaborate Tazz interrupts and tells Orlando that he’ll beat up Josh for him.

Before it crumbles to pieces, Josh brings up Carlito’s petition to fire Teddy Long. Orlando is offended that Josh doesn’t like JBL, since JBL must request Josh as his interviewer in order for them to always do segments with each other. The whole interview is falling to pieces as Tazz lays in even more digs on Marc and Josh. Josh fields a call from Daniel, which provides some nice audio feedback. I can’t understand a thing that Daniel says, but Josh tells us it was a question about Orlando’s martial arts background. Apparently Orlando did some shoot fighting and boxing before the WWE, as well as amateur wrestling. He has dabbled in ju jitsu but he hasn’t had any significant martial arts experience. He’s wanted to be a wrestler since he was six. Josh mercifully ends the interview, but not before Orlando briefly pimps No Way Out. Josh retreats to another trivia question (Who did RVD fight at Wrestlemania 19?) before going to break.

Footage of the 2005 Royal Rumble.

We come back to even more of Tazz making fun of Marc and Josh. Y’know, as much as I give them a hard time, it’s kind of boring to see Tazz shred on them so badly throughout the episode. They are filling time for some reason, and it’s quite dull. Adam from New Foundland calls and answers the trivia question, which scores him a DVD and a hat. Tazz perpetuates the Lance Storm “boring” angle and then Josh pimps the magazines. Jesus, these guys have no chemistry tonight. They try to promote Smackdown, and despite Tazz’s best attempts to sabotage the segment Marc and Josh assert themselves and they have a nice generic conversation about Batista. Of course, it eventually dissolves into a conversation about Tazz’s height. They all start talking over each other and it just sucks. I can’t recap this mess. The show has fallen apart worst than ever before as Tazz reads comments from fans. Josh laments how poorly Byte This seems to go as Tazz takes a phone call from Brandon in New Jersey. It’s a little kid asking how Japan was, so Tazz takes control and gives a nice generic answer. Another caller gets dropped and the producer calls for an emergency break.

Footage of the Tomko/Orton match from Raw.

The clip is brutally interrupted and they still don’t have Batista. Tazz tries to talk about the Super Bowl with Marc as Josh frets about the show. Batista is suddenly on the show. Thank God! Batista apparently just woke up and Josh congratulates him on winning the Rumble. He has not decided who he will fight at Wrestlemania, so Tazz makes a case for moving to Smackdown. Marc wonders who is putting the Smackdown videos on Raw, but Batista doesn’t know who is behind it. He does have suspicions and knows that everyone’s trying to stab him in the back lately.

Josh asks what went through Batista’s mind at the Rumble. He was in total disbelief, especially because of the controversial finish (i.e. Cena and Batista accidentally fell out at the same time and they had to restart the match). E-mail question asks what it’s like to wrestle with Ric Flair. Batista has learned a great deal from Flair, especially about partying. Marcus from “619” asks Batista what the long plane rides were like during the Hawaii and Japan shows. He thinks that it felt fun during the actual ride, but it caught up to him when he returned home and he totally crashed. Tazz relates to his intense jet lag, and Batista adds that the adrenaline helps during the shows. Batista talks about how horrendous the travel schedule is and brings up the wear and tear that occurs. Tazz gives the old speech about wrestling having no off season, and it leads into another series of insults for Josh and Marc. They drop Batista and Josh adds that his wrestling trunks are on sale at the WWE auction. Tazz informs us that he’s 19 years old, Josh thanks the guests, Josh drops another “off the chain”, and we are out!

Clips of HHH/Edge end the show.

What a disaster this week. Very bad show, there’s no reason to check it out unless you’re a huge junkie for Tazz.