The SmarK Rant for No Way Out 2003
– Everyone seems to be crying in their beer over the demotion of Paul Heyman from Smackdown head writer (except for TOA, where it’s practically mardi gras) , which of course overlooks one important point: Heyman’s “brilliant” writing basically amounted to Mr. Burns telling Strawberry to “go hit a home run”. As long as you’ve got the Smackdown Six filling up two hours every week, it ain’t exactly gonna take much in the way of booking brilliance to put on an impressive show. Frankly given his people skills, I’m shocked he’s lasted THIS long.
– So here’s your weird Smackdown: SYM story of the week, as I play the game in sessions that would probably be considered borderline-obsessive to anyone who’s not a huge fan. I’ve been trying to go through the season mode in order to unlock all the movesets (which basically cover every wrestler in North America and Japan from Kendo Ka-Shin to Mick Foley), and thus I’ve had to play through the season two or three times already with different guys. So the second time through I’m using Hulk Hogan (who, incidentally, is AWESOME in the game in terms of getting consistent wins over just about any style of wrestler) and when the nWo storyline rolls around in February, obviously the game can’t do it because Hogan is already there. So instead I’m booked against Rock at No Way Out in a ladder match where I lose the title, but with no storyline to run, there’s no real setup for Wrestlemania. So Hogan fights HHH in a meaningless main event, and the Rock defends the title against…himself? Yup, the Undisputed champ defended against an exact duplicate of himself, both of whom carried the belt to the ring and were announced as the champion. Now, while I’m sure heel Rock v. face Rock in real life would provide the most awesome main event in history, it’s not only physically impossible, but would provide for a paradox in terms of who the champion is, since the Undisputed champion both won and lost at the same time. So if anyone from THQ is reading this, you’ve got a bug.
– And remember, the rant may be insanely late this month, but you can always use the time to read “Tonight…In This Very Ring” again and catch some of the finer details you may have missed the first time through. I’m starting the next book (“Attitude Problem”) as we speak, so new content may be pretty thin for the next while. And again, if you thought “Tonight” was opinionated and ruffled some feathers, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
– LIVE from Montreal, PQ.
– Your hosts are Cole, Tazz, JR, Coach, King, Cat, Josh, Kevin, Rick, OJ, John Madden, Mark Madden, Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, Linda McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, Hunter McMahon, Jimbo, Mr. Garrison, the 1989 Denver Broncos, John Rocker and Chaz Warrington…as the Beaver.
– Opening match: Chris Jericho v. Jeff Hardy. Of note (but not really) – there’s a homeboy in a Boston Bruins jersey with a cell phone in the front row who observant people may have noticed paying about as little attention to the match as I generally do first time around. What you may NOT have known is that he was calling ME, and I’ll report what he was saying throughout the show. I’m assuming that Jericho cut a heel promo on Montreal to generate his heel pop. Coach and Lawler discuss the potential fan reactions for Shawn Michaels, should he show up tonight. I was personally hoping for one of the drunken Montreal fans to throw a bottle at him, but that might be construed as excessively bitter. And I, your bastion of objectivity and good taste, wouldn’t want that. They exchange wristlocks to start and Jericho slaps him around, triggering a hissy fit from Jeff. Jeff gets a headscissors and pounds away in the corner, but he walks into a clothesline and Jericho backdrops him. Jericho starts chopping (which, as noted by a reader, should probably be called DOMESTIC VIOLENCE in Canada), but Jeff dumps him and follows with a corkscrew quebrada. Back in, Jeff comes in with a sloppy double-jump moonsault for two. Or, to quote the crowd, “TWO!” Coach talks about Shawn Michaels teaching Jeff the value of adding substance to your matches. I have something to say about that, but I’ll let it be for the moment. Jericho gets a suplex, but Jeff reverses a slam for two ala Wrestlemania III as we have a call from the black dude in the Bruins jersey: “Dude, I think Ricky Steamboat is here, but he looks a lot more gay than I remember”. Jericho misses a charge and Jeff makes a comeback with his girlish punches and then they blow the jawbreaker, but Jeff gets TWO. Jericho dropkicks him for TWO. Lionsault hits squarely on the knee (once again, even if it hit, it wouldn’t have done any damage) and Jeff gets a DDT for TWO. Crowd seems split on who to cheer. Jeff gets the corkscrew for TWO. Jeff misses an enzuigiri and gets put into the Walls in a messy spot, but makes the ropes. Jericho hammers away and heads up, but gets caught with a Pop-Up Superplex from Hardy. Jeff heads back up and throws the shirt into the crowd and we have another update from the Black Dude In The Bruins Jersey: “Dude, what does that hankie website say about throwing a white shirt into the crowd? Because I think he wrote his phone number on it.” Jeff reverses the Walls into a cradle for TWO. Neckbreaker and Jeff goes up, but the swanton misses. Lionsault gets TWO. Another pinfall attempt with the feet on the ropes gets TWO. I always admire that extra effort. Jericho goes back up and gets crotched, but reverses a rana attempt into a superbomb and the Walls of Jericho for the submission at 13:00. Quite a good, energetic opener with a minimum of blown spots from Jeff. ***1/4 Shawn hits the ring to save Jeff (drawing boos from the crowd), but after fighting off Vitamin C, suddenly becomes a babyface again.
– Meanwhile, Kurt gives the troops another pep talk. Apparently Montrealers are bitter.
– Evolution is HERE. Considering most of the people who inhabit wrestling, that’s a pretty ironic statement.
– RAW tag title: William Regal & Lance Storm v. The Unlikely Duo of RVD & Kane. RVD & Storm do a gymnastics exhibition to start, and Regal comes in for some armwork. Rob spinkicks him into a moonsault for TWO. Monkey flip and Kane drops an elbow for two. Kane slams Regal and bounces his head off the mat in the process, knocking him out in the process. Now that takes true talent – to f*ck someone up on a BODYSLAM. I have an update from the Black Guy in the Bruins Jersey: “Dude, I was just watching that segment where Kane helped Regal up, and I think wrestling might be fake.” RVD comes in, but Storm ducks Rolling Thunder, onto to have Rob follow him out with a dive. Back in, slingshot legdrop gets TWO. Rob fights out of the corner and heads up, but gets sent into the railing by Storm. Back in, Regal gets a half-nelson suplex for nothing, as Kane breaks it up. Storm gets TWO. Storm hammers away in the corner. DROPKICK OF DEATH gets two. Regal drops a knee for TWO! TWO! TWO! Storm breaks up a sunset flip attempt with some truly pussified kicks, and gets TWO. Given all the criticism of RVD over the years, kicking him in the head too hard should be the least of anyone’s worries. Legdrop gets two. Suplex is reversed by RVD for TWO. Regal cuts off a tag as the match starts to drag. Kane gets distracted, preventing another tag, but eventually gets it and cleans house with the usual. Regal and Storm, much like auto-asphyxia victims, don’t know whether they’re coming or going. Kane’s mask gets pulled slightly off-center and he’s BLIND! He chokeslams RVD by mistake, and Regal gets the pin at 9:21. I gotta say “My mask was pulled to the side” is a pretty lame excuse for costing your partner the match. As Achilles’ heels go, this one ranks down there pretty far. Usual Regal/Storm snoozefest. **
– Cruiserweight title: Kidman v. Matt Hardy. Your Matt Facts: Matt is annoyed by snow and ice, and takes his hot tea with milk & sweetener. You know, maybe if he laid off the milk and sweetener, that last ¾ of a pound wouldn’t have been so tough. Matt takes him down to start and shows us some jumping jacks. A devastating bodyslam follows. Kidman comes back with armdrags and gets a rana, but they reverse each other until Kidman ends up on the apron and gets introduced to the post. Back in, that gets two. Legdrop gets one. Kidman fights back, but gets hit with a neckbreaker and we hit the chinlock. Kidman counters the Side-Effect with a rollup for two. Matt chokes him out to take over again and uses the ropes for two. You’ve gotta have more SOUL when you use the ropes. Make the fans BELIEVE that you’re evil. Tazz tries to get over a joke about banana juice, which is about as lame as trying to get over a joke about a guy in the front row with a cell phone. Ricochet gets two for Matt, but Kidman comes back with an enzuigiri and the Rydien Bomb for TWO. Matt counters the rebound clothesline with his own clothesline for two. The Yodelling Legdrop gets two. Kidman reverses the Twist of Fate with a rollup for two. Side Effect gets two as Shannon gets involved. Kidman bulldogs him and goes up, but the SSP misses. Twist of Fate gets TWO. Good near-fall. Kidman heads back up for another try, but gets tripped up by Shannon and Matt hits him with a top-rope Twist of Fate for the pin and the title at 9:31. Technically sound but I wasn’t feeling it. **1/2 At least Matt with the title is more interesting than Kidman.
– Meanwhile, Edge is out cold on the floor. Geez, it’s Quebec, he’s probably just drunk and passed out.
– Undertaker v. Big Show. They brawl outside to start, but Taker gets caught and sent into the post. Taker comes back and works on the throat with a guillotine legdrop, and then grabs a chair, but gets it punched back at him. Ah, bitter irony. Show whips him around and chokes him out, but misses a charge. Taker tries a slam, and that backfires. Show suplexes him for two. Big fat elbowdrops waste some time and get two. You have to think that anything after two of them is just showing off. Taker fights back, but walks into a bearhug. It’s just not the same without Lesnar doing it. Taker shrugs it off and slugs away, but gets sideslammed for two. Show tosses him as Cole talks about Show “over-strategizing” the match. Yeah, because when you think of Big Show’s matches, you think of complex strategy. Cole once again uses the “Crowd is quiet because they’re in shock” line to describe the overwhelming silence. I tried to ask the Black Dude in the Bruins Jersey, but he was taking a bathroom break. Taker fights back and gets a corner splash, but can’t chokeslam him. Gee, ya THINK? Flying clothesline gets two. Is it me or is Undertaker starting to look like Gowron as he gets older? Another try at the chokeslam, but he opts to go low instead. Truly a scientific classic. DDT gets two. Last Ride goes nowhere, and Show gets the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two. HHH has taught him well. Snake Eyes gets two as the match continues its leisurely pace, to say the least. Taker comes back with a dragon sleeper in a horribly contrived spot (as Show set him up in some kind of fireman’s carry that existed only to set up the reversal), but A-Train interferes to break that up. Taker dives at them, which would look better if either A-Train or Heyman had bothered to CATCH him, and then heads back in to finish. Thank god, I can’t take much more of this boring match. Show gets a SWERVE chokeslam, however. Taker swerves him right back and counters with something you could laughably call a Triangle Choke and gets the win at 14:09. * I love how they have Angle, Benoit and Lesnar out there pinning each other with beltshots and feet on the ropes and UNDERTAKER gets to beat people clean with MMA moves. A-Train powerbombs Undertaker to set up the program we’ve all been waiting for anxiously. Boy, listen to that crowd reaction. Johnny Ace is almost as smart as Heyman.
– Meanwhile, Vince makes sure that Morley won’t join Bischoff in the match tonight.
– Team Angle v. Chris Benoit & Brock Lesnar. Benjamin and Benoit rock the mat to start and Benoit whips him around, and then Brock comes in and delivers THE PAIN to Haas. He hiptosses him across the ring and offers his services to Angle, but Kurt declines. So Haas gets the benefit of Brock’s anger-management problem, with a pair of gorilla slams on Team Angle, but some well-timed shenanigans from Kurt trap Brock in the corner. A superkick RIGHT IN THE FACE, BABY, finally puts him down. Brock wins me over as a fan more every day. Angle hits the chinlock as Brock casually powers out like the wrestler in the Bugs Bunny cartoon, but Angle hangs on. Brock powers out again, and this time rams him headfirst into the turnbuckles to break it. Tazz thinks it was an illegal choke anyway, although Brock’s continued BREATHING kind of refutes that argument. Benoit comes in and unleashes some fury with suplexy goodness on everyone in the general vicinity, and Shelton takes the worst of that. Up we go, but Haas trips him up and Kurt gets the Pop-Up Superplex. Lesnar gets some revenge with his own sleeper from the outside, but Benjamin takes one for the team to save his captain, and Benoit gets worked over as a result. TEAMWORK! Haas gets the overhead suplex for two. Angle stomps Benoit down and goes to a facelock. Benoit fights back with a rollup for two, and a small package for two. Slam is reversed for two. Angle comes back with a german suplex for two. You’d think the natural reaction from a French-speaking crowd would be to surrender at the first mention of anything German, but it IS only Canada and not actually France. Team Angle brings the awesome with the leapfrog choke for two. Team Angle cuts off the tag, but Benoit mule kicks Benjamin and makes the hot tag to Lesnar. SUPLEX! SUPLEX! He absolutely destroys Haas in the corner, but Shelton again saves Angle from F5-Ville. Benoit starts suplexing, but gets caught in the anklelock, and they do their reversal sequence to the delight of the crowd. Team Angle breaks it up, but Haas takes one for the team one time too many and gets crossfaced into submission at 13:13. Team Angle is an inspiration to children everywhere. Good stuff, but nothing we haven’t seen a million times on Smackdown already. ***1/2
– RAW World title: HHH v. Scott Steiner. Steiner gets booed during his ENTRANCE. Man, that’s just cold. Even Boston waited for him to start screwing up the match before turning on him. Scott Steiner has feelings too, you know. Maybe not in his arms and legs due to steroid use, but somewhere. Once again, I laugh at the irony of discussing Evolution with two sloped-forehead knuckle-dragging monsters approximating wrestling while trying to figure out if 1984’s “2+2=5” is a trick question or not. A fan in the front row holds up a “Vince Screwd Bret” sign, which is not only unoriginal, but spelled wrong. Steiner goes for the leg to start and pounds away on it, drawing heel heat. You’d think when every little move from Steiner draws boos and HHH’s comebacks draw cheers, someone would take a hint, but HHH is apparently God’s gift to heels and thus logic doesn’t apply to him. Steiner pulls off the bandage and works on the leg. Suplex and figure-four REALLY pisses off the crowd, because I assume they actually like Flair. Flair breaks it up and is suddenly more over than anyone in the match. Steiner takes him out, allowing HHH to come back and the crowd to think up newer ways to boo everyone in the match. The match itself just totally falls apart as Steiner lays around and HHH finally goes out and tosses him into the stairs. Back in, neckbreaker gets two. Nice to see HHH expanding his repertoire with variations on the neckbreaker in addition to his usual knee-related offense. And hey, there’s another neckbreaker for two. Coach talks about how great HHH is while the crowd shits all over the match. Steiner comes back with his overhead suplex (only one this time, rather than 8) and pounds away in the corner, and now even the announcers have to acknowledge the crowd. HHH bends him over in the corner in a slightly disturbing pinfall attempt, drawing a fight with Hebner that makes HHH into an even bigger babyface. Man, when even the tried-and-true ref shoving match routine won’t turn you heel, you’re hosed. Steiner makes his comeback and messes up his own rotation belly-to-belly, but gets two. More punching. The crowd opts for the more traditional “boring” chant now. The classics never go out of style. Steiner punches away and gets another overhead suplex for two. To the top, and HHH carefully suplexes himself off the top, as Steiner gets two. That’s just sad. Steiner gets the dreaded REAR CHINLOCK OF DISMEMBERMENT, but Orton & Batista hit the ring. Steiner fights them off, but HHH uses the belt for two. Can we PLEASE retire that spot? It’s so hackneyed and cliché that Vince Russo will probably be debuting it as part of NWA-TNA this week. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE ends the punishment at 13:00. Not quite as bad as Royal Rumble, but without the redeeming comedic factor of watching Steiner fall apart on live TV. -**
– Steve Austin v. Eric Bischoff. JR joins us for commentary again and is immediately WAY over the top in support of Austin. I love the message sent when they spend all that TV time burying Austin and then bring him back in a cynical ratings ploy without even offering explanation for why anyone should think he’ll act differently this time. Not to mention how all the midcard guys must feel being portrayed as second-rate to Austin’s big comeback after the way he went out. Austin stomps a whathole on Eric and gives the fans a chance to get it out of their system. Bischoff tries a kick, which Austin laughs off, and they head out for some chops. KICK WHAM STUNNER, but he’s a little out of practice so he picks up Bischoff and does it again. Still not back in form, so once more finishes at 4:25. JR goes insane overselling the moment like some sort of act of booking genius, but really it’s a guy who was stale and left when things weren’t going his way, and then sat out until ratings were low enough that he could return on his own terms and is still the same stale character he was when he first left. And the first storyline they set him up with is “owner v. Austin”, and then blow it off in his first match back already. I mean, I guess if you REALLY dislike Eric Bischoff this was interesting and/or satisfying, but I’m more interested in seeing if Austin can still hang with the main eventers. Worse than that, Austin’s well-publicized personal problems have sucked the joy out of seeing him do his thing – once you realize how screwed up he must be, it’s hard to get behind him as a babyface hero again. DUD
– Rock v. Hulk Hogan. Rock now has the most awesomely pretentious entrance video ever, complete with minute-long helicopter flyby video to lead up to a new evil remix of his music. That’s just badass, kids. Hogan’s pop is lessening with every show, which pretty much everyone with half a brain figured out the first time they tried his comeback last year. Rock stalls to start and irritates the fans, so Hogan chases and they brawl. Back in, Rock catches him with a boot and hammers away. Hogan does the turnbuckle stuff and DARES to use a spit-punch on Rock, which Rock is kind enough to sell by jumping over the top. Back in, Rock Bottom gets two. Rock improv’s by stealing Hogan’s bandanna and belt, then stops for a drink. What he needs to do is leave his cell phone in the corner and stop to answer it during the match. Hogan gets the belt back and fires away with it. What a sportsman. Hogan slowly punches away, but Rock DDTs him and pops up. Man, Rock is doing the work of 18 guys here with the overblown selling and mannerisms, but it’s an uphill battle. Sharpshooter (the only thing about Rock that’s not awesome due to his sloppy execution and the way he holds it at the ankles and doesn’t bend the opponent’s back properly) but Hogan powers out. Rock clotheslines him outside and taunts the crowd to fill the dead time, and then grabs a chair and hits the post instead of Hogan. Hulk gets it in turn, but the ref stops it, allowing Rock to hit two People’s Elbows (one with Hogan poses inserted) for two. Hulk up and the usual…and the lights go out. Man, who let Heyman write the cheques to the power company again? When they come back on, the ref is out. Why that required the lights to go out, I don’t know. Vince joins us to really hammer home the upcoming screwjob, as the ref slips Rock the chair and Hogan is dumb enough to stand there and get hit with it for the pin at 12:35. Yes, they spend the show making fun of the crowd for not getting over Bret, and then run yet another Montreal finish to end the show. I’m sure it won’t be as controversial this time when I note that this was slow, dull and uninspired stuff, and nowhere near as good as their Wrestlemania match (which in itself wasn’t that good to begin with), capped off by an awesomely stupid finish that pretty much killed the crowd and insulted the intelligence of everyone in the building. Well, aim big, I always say. -* The knee-jerk defense for this match seems to be “Yeah, but it sets up that Vince-Hogan match at Wrestlemania”, to which I counter with “Yeah, but it sets up that Vince-Hogan match at Wrestlemania”. I think my viewpoint on the matter wins.
The Bottom Line: As is usually the case as of late, the stuff I expected to be pretty good was pretty good, and the stuff I didn’t wasn’t, but since they spent all the time promoting the awful stuff on top, that’s what this gets judged by. Thus, thumbs down.
C’est la vie.
