END FO AN ERA!
(ok, maybe five people will get that, but those five will LOVE IT!)
Hi there!
An introduction is in order; I am CJ Ambrosia, sometimes known as the Critic2K (Hi Doom!) writer of music, other times known as “that freakin’ rip off artist with the cats”. Well, they’re both right. The “cats” site is still around and I do still write music. On occasion though, I do get that “wrasslin’ writing” bug, and so here I am. Thanks to Widro and the rest of the IP staff for having me.
Some opening remarks before we get to the show proper…
1) I’m doing this for fun, and it really has nothing to do with my “other” site. That site is mostly archived stuff these days anyway. No, there was no blow up with Rees (who is now a HUGE Gene Snitsky mark – what IS it with you and dopey looking guys?) and yes “that” site will continue to be around. Much to the annoyance of many. We live to serve.
ii) My recaps tend to be a combination of blow-by-blow (sit down, perv) and general tomfoolery. It is, and always will be, MY OPINION. You may feel free to disagree with anything I write, as long as it’s understood that neither of us is right about anything, except for the fact that 42 is indeed, the most important number in the universe.
C) I fully admit to having a recap style similar to Scott Keith’s; after all, he was a large influence on my early writing. I will always be thankful that Scott (herein referred to as Papa Smark) gave me my first writing shot back on Rantsylvania, so, in the interest of keeping things familiar, I’ll also be using a star rating for the matches; again, this is all based on MY opinion and how I am entertained. For example, I love old Mid-South wrestling, but that doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy a high spot-fest as well. It’s all about the context.
Four) I haven’t watched any new WWE programming since Backlash 2004. So most of this will be brand new to me. I know the people involved, just nothing of the storylines yet.
5-Alive) Geez, this is getting long. So, without further ado…
SMACK this! (Or, here we go again)
One of those Scorcesse-like intros explain what happened Monday on RAW, for those who missed it (like me!). See, JBL’s (Rock’s) car tried to run down Batista (Austin) this past Monday on RAW (Survivor Series 99). What a fresh, compelling, and completely original idea. Looks like Dave is coming to SmackDown this Thursday…by himself!
The opening graphics tell me what this is, but it looks like something from a FOX Kids afterschool special. Like, go go Basham Rangers, or something.
Ok, be positive, be positive, be…
TAPED from the Gund Arena in Cleveland OH, it’s WWE SmackDown! Michael Cole and Tazz run down the evening’s festivities. The Undertaker meets Mark Jindrak! #1 Contender’s Tournament Semi Final has Booker T. taking on John Cena! But first…
Rey Mysterio (w/619 fancam) vs Doug Basham (w/Danny Basham). Fancam? Ho boy… Rey speaks! Rey notes that the Bashams seem proud of themselves, with the taking out RVD and being tag champs and all. But the belts used to belong to Rey and RVD. It’s ok, since Rey found himself a new partner. Sunday at No Way Out, it will be a tag championship match, pitting the Bashams against Rey and his boy / homie / mi vato / mi chupathingy, Eddie Guerrero! Eddy drives out in a pretty blue Chevy, much to the delight of everyone not named Basham. Big vato hug for Rey, and away we go. Nice Eddy chant to start. Tazz mentions that Eddy and Rey knew each other since they were “knee high to a June bug.” I hardly think Tazz should be the one making short cracks. Lockup, and Rey gets shoved down, and Doug taunts him. “S – O – D.” Oy. A kick by Doug and a Mexican whip to the ropes. Rey ducks the clothesline and springboards his bad self into an arm drag. Rey dropkicks Doug in the knee, and calls for the 619. Seems early, so Doug chases him around the ring ala Max Mini. Rey gets the 619 through the ropes, while Doug sails out to the floor. Well, that’s what he gets for following him around like that. Doug and Eddy have words, while Danny sneaks in and waffles Rey. Doug pounds on Rey for a bit, and then whips him hard into the corner. Doug covers for two. Doug then tries to get the Vulcan Neck Pinch on Rey, but decides he’s no Spock and goes for a rear chinlock instead. Hey, I just confirmed my geekdom in one sentence. Anywho, Rey elbows his way out and goes for that bulldog on the way down thingy, but Doug counters into a side suplex. It’s about time someone tried that. Doug taunts, punches, and then goes for the cover. I don’t think that’s how Cornette is teaching them these days. It’s only a two count, by the way. A rear naked choke is applied to perfection by Doug. Rey elbows out again, and gets sent to the corner, but gets a foot all up in Doug’s area. Doug charges again, and eats turnbuckle. Now there’s a gimmick to dust off. Rey into the corner again, flips over Doug, leapfrog, and lands a nice springboard moonsault for two. That was a neat little spot. Whip in again, and Rey almost goes for the bulldog again, but does a roll through instead (victory roll?) for two. Danny gets roped for his troubles, but Doug knocks Rey down. Doug heads for the ropes, but Eddy trips him up. Doug plays a good little heel and argues with Eddy in the perfect position for Rey to hit the 619. Dime has been dropped, thank you, come again. *** Good little opener, and Rey did way more with Doug than I thought he could. Post match, Rey and Eddy celebrate. It’d be real cool if Eddy turned on Rey and they had a nice long program together.
Backstage, John Bradshaw Layfield and Orlando Whatshisname confront SmackDown GM Teddy Long. JBL comes to the conclusion that Long must have set him up. All Long cares about is Batista at No Way Out, and signing him on RAW the next night. JBL says if he gets hurt at No Way Out, he’s suing. Ooooo.
Commercials.
This past Tuesday was the No Way Out news conference. The usual WWE fluff to hard sell the PPV.
Is that Lillian, my love, that I hear? Oh darn, it’s just Torrie Wilson. And she’s guestouncing the next match…
Chavo Guerrero, Evil Spike, and Akio vs Funaki, Kidman and Red Rootser 2K5. Ooops. That would be Paul London. Shannon Moore, prince of punk? Ugh. Akio and RR2K5 start it out. Slap by Akio, presumably for agreeing to such a ridiculous gimmick. Headlock to a hammerlock by Akio, into an armbar, but RR2K5 kips up into an armbar and side headlock of his own. Akio elbows out and sends him into the corner, but RR2K5 hops over, and does the Killings/K-Kwik flip, before nailing an armdrag and a leg lariat. He works Akio’s arm, then tags in Kid-er, London. Double whip, double arm drag, double team. Hey, a triple double! It gets two. By the way, these six have an elimination match with each other this Sunday at the PPV. Just sayin’. Akio goes for a leg sweep and misses, but catches Lonman with a forearm on the way down, and scampers for a tag to Chavo. Who gets hiptossed into a laying headlock. Poor Chavo. About the only memorable things that he’s done have been with Uncle Eddy. Kondon gets sent to the corner, but lifts an elbow on the blind charge. From the second buckle, Kiddon dropkicks Chavo back to the corner, than pays tribute to the Mongolian Stomper. Even Tazz can’t figure that one out. You know, Londan kinda looks like Randy Orton too. Anyway, Ordon hits the ropes, nails Akio on the other side, but gets knocked out of the ring – man, that looked nasty. Spike does the Sullivan Stomp (what IS it with these guys tonight?) onto Lorton on the outside. Chavo with a gutbuster, and more music interrupts. Oh look, the SmackDown rookie divas come down and parade around ringside. They couldn’t have done this before/after the match? Akio’s expression was funny though. The girls leave and we’re back to the match. Chavo works over Ortman, then a tag to Akio. He takes a couple of shots, and tags in Spike, who Sullivan stomps Lonton again. Okay, I’m all for little tributes, but really. Kevin Sullivan? Spike knocks the Rooster of the apron, cementing his bad-ass image. Spike and Akio try to double team, but Lordon makes them eat dropkick on the way down. Hot tag to Funaki, and he’s AN ANNOUNCER ON FIRE! Funaki plays SuperCruiser for minute, taking them all on. Spike eats an enziguri, and Akio winds up on the outside. Chavo stops a tornado DDT on Spike by Funaki, but gets dumped outside too. I think he hit his head on the floor there. The Rooster and Lidton share generic face look #56, and each nail a summersault plancha to the outside on Chavo and Akio. Spike and Funaki continue in the ring, with Spike going for the Acid Drop, but Funaki flips him over. SWEET CHIN MUSIC! SWEET CHIN MUSIC! IT’S OVER! 1 – 2 – 3!!! A BOYHOOD DREAM HAS COME TRUE FOR – whoops. Sorry about that. Funaki wins. **. The diva thing kinda killed it. Don’t ever let Torrie Wilson guestnounce again. Ever.
Still to come – Booker vs Cena!
Commercials.
WrestleMania 21 ad, featuring a parody of Pulp Fiction, with Booker T. playing Sam Jackson and Eddy playing John Travolta. I can’t even come close to doing this justice. Find it, watch it and love it.
Kurt Angle comes to the ring, flanked by two rent-a-cops. Angle asks the cops to show off the gold medal, apparently the real one. Kurt wants to wish Cena and Booker luck tonight, for no matter who it is he faces, there won’t be much rapping at NWO. But there will be plenty of tapping. Now can you dig that, suckers? (mmmmGoulet…) He’s going for his third straight WM main event, and no one’s gonna stop him now. And if this world runs out of lovers, we’ll still have each other, nothing’s gonna stop-
Whoops.
Anyway, Kurt reminds us he’s the most decorated athlete in WWE history (preach on, brotha Kurt), and the WWE’s only Olympic Gold Medallist. Based on that, he deserves to be in the main event at WM. Since he got a bye in the tournament (don’t ask me how, I just started. Geez!), he’ll hold the Kurt Angle invitational. It goes like this: if the “hometown hero” can last a certain amount of time (3-5 minutes), he’ll get Kurt’s very own, very real gold medal. That’s kind of a neat idea, actually.
Kurt Angle invitational: Kurt Angle vs Danny Jamando. Let’s have three minutes on the clock please. Angle takes Danny down, and jabs at him a bit. Front facelock in the corner, and Angle breaks clean. Danny looks fired up now. Or coked up. I can never tell. Kurt with a double leg takedown, but Danny kicks out. Jamando misses the clothesline and Kurt hits the Angle Slam. The straps are down and the ankle lock is on, with a leg lace. Tap City. Population: that guy, at 1:08. DUD. That, my friends, is a squash. He celebrates during the replay, and runs into John Cena, who is on his way to the ring. This is what it’s like WHEN SEGMENTS COLLIDE! Big staredown practically gives away the results for the next match, but I’ll play the dumb mark and go along with it.
Commercials.
The new SmackDown mag covers the Undertaker’s undefeated streak at WrestleMania. Cripes, I wish they’d stop spoiling stuff.
#1 Contenders Tournament Semi Final: John Cena vs Booker T. Winner gets Kurt on Sunday for the WM main event bid. Tazz shills the new WWE Hot Wheels cars. Those are neat too. Cena chant starts things off. Lockup, and they grapple to the corner, where Cena breaks clean. Second verse, same as the first, in the other corner, with Booker breaking clean. Cole references the best of five series these two had not too long ago, which I heard was nowhere near as good as the Benoit/Booker best of seven from the WCW days. Another lockup, and Cena works a side headlock. Booker whips him in, and Cena shoulders The Book down. Booker down, Cena runs, Booker leaps, tries a hiptoss, and is reversed by Cena for two. Cena goes for a front facelock, but Booker slides out. Booker fakes the lockup with a kick and a chop (a chik?) followed by a hard right. Cena in the corner get chopped again, but ducks the standing reverse spin kick and lands some rights. Whip in, and a Cena reverse elbow gets two. Cena shows us he’s been watching tapes by applying the dreaded ARMbar, not to be confused by the even MORE dreaded armBAR. I don’t think he’s seasoned enough to handle that quite yet. Cena tries a cover for two, then proves me wrong by indeed applying the armBAR. I think he was just lucky that time. Booker backs him into the corner and breaks with a trifecta of shoulder blocks. Chops a plenty from Booker, but Cena tries to fight out of it. A knee stops that noise. Whip in, and Cena ducks the leg lariat, and hits a clothesline for two. Front facelock by Cena, into a half-nelson roll (moveset!) for two. Back to a facelock from the front, then turns into a headlock from the side. Booker with a side suplex to break up those shenanigans. Booker sets up the axe-kick, but Cena moves and goes for the F-U, which Booker escapes. They stare down as we go to…
Commercials. The Rock with Travolta in Be Cool. This looks like fun.
We’re back, and Cena is snapmaring Booker into a two count. More headlockery, this time from the rear. Jawbreaker, and a nice stiff kick to said jaw nearly knocks Cena’s teeth out. That gets two. Booker with a snap suplex for two. Here’s another headlock! Would someone mind faxing the agents and letting them know that there are better restholds than a headlock every ten seconds? Cena fights out, and Booker gets a leg lariat and some boos. Spin kick hits this time, and he’s waiting for Cena to get up. Chops, but Cena hits some more rights. Booker cuts him off with a knee, and is reverse whipped, when Cena hits him with a flapjack (wasn’t that Stevie Ray’s finisher? What sad irony). The ten count is on! Cena’s up, but he rushes Booker at the ropes, and is shoved through to the floor. Booker drops a forearm from the apron onto Cena on the floor, then plays Donkey Konga with Cena’s head on the STEEL steps. Cena shoved back in, and eats another snap suplex. Booker hits the Tip-Toe kneedrop to a heavy chorus of boos. Two count only. Chops and punches exchanged, which leads to Cena hitting the corner, and walking into a swank powerslam by Booker, for two. Snapmare, into, you guessed it, another headlock. Did they wander down to Memphis mid-match? Cena fights out again, but Booker cuts him off with another knee. Is Hunter booking this or what? Cena with the Animal flying shoulder block, but because Animal was so massive, this doesn’t look nearly as impressive. The ten count is on. Iblockyourpunch, butyoudontblockmine! Cool, I missed that spot. A kick, a headbutt, and a pair of short clotheslines gives Cena the advantage. Whip in, and back elbow from Cena gets two. Booker reverses a whip into a SPINE on the PINE. Booker misses another axe-kick, and Cena has him up for the F-U, but Booker grabs the ropes. So Cena just drops him on the ropes. Cena misses a clothesline, but Booker hits a legline, and gets just two. Booker tells him to get up, and goes for the Bookend, but Cena elbows out. Booker to the corner, but hits an elbow on Cena. Doesn’t matter though, as Booker walks into an F-U, and Cena meets Angle on Sunday. **1/4. Would have been better if not for all the headlocks.
Commercials.
WrestleMania 21 in 45 days!
Cole and Tazz narrate some footage from the Japan tour last week. Meanwhile…
JBL and the Cabinet plan nefarious things. As soon as the guys sight Batista, he’ll get a phone call. Don’t worry, he’s got a plan! Meanwhile…
Josh Matthews (who seems to be running neck and neck with Mark Lloyd in the worst announcer category) talks to the Big Show. Wow, he looks King Kong Bundy all stretched out. He doesn’t care about Dave; he just wants JBL in the cage. With barbed wire. On top. Ok, it’s a dangerous match, but only if Show goes anywhere near the top rope. Which would probably screw the planet’s axis somehow. Meanwhile…
Booker T. wanders around morosely backstage, and happens upon a chuckling Heidenreich. Booker, ever in control, starts talking smack with the crazy man. As JR might say, “he’s got more guts than brains.” Heidenreich twiches a bunch. Okay…
Commercials.
WWE Hall of Fame spot. This year, we induct Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff, The Iron Shiek, Nikolai Volkoff, Cowboy Bob Orton, and the just announced Rowdy Roddy Piper. You gotta wonder if Piper is gonna decide to shoot at the ceremony this year.
We know it’s a squash; deal with it: Nunzio vs Luther Reigns (w/Mark Jindrack). Nunzio gets tossed around a lot. Reigns works in the Brock “double backbreaker on the knee” spot. Roll the dice type neckbreaker finishes a five minute match that was four minutes too long. DUD, and that’s being nice. Post match, Reigns talks smack to the Undertaker, proclaiming the “yard” as his own. Surprisingly, Heidenreich does a better Sid than Reigns does. GONG. Oh boy. It’s time for…
Commercials.
GONG. And here comes the dead man. WHEN SEGMENTS COLLIDE, PART DUEX!
It’s not a squash, we swear: Mark Jindrak vs The Undertaker. Anyone else notice that Taker has a forehead the size of an Easter Island statue? Try as I might, I just can’t get into the “dead man” character, especially after a few years as the “American Bad Ass” and “Booger Red.” Token Taker match here: Taker punches a lot and sells less. He then goes out and kill Reigns dead. Way to build up your opponent. That’s why he makes the big bucks. Taker actually gives Jindrak a bit of offense, sending the IWC into a state of collective shock. Ooops, here’s the comeback. Flying DDT by Taker gets two. Chokeslam is blocked, but Jindrak eats a flying clothesline. A second chokeslam attempt hits, and Taker is ready to finish. Outside, Reigns assaults a cameraman (doesn’t ANYONE have any manners anymore?) and waits until Taker hits a Tombstone and get the three before nailing him with the camera. Well, the finish was different, I guess. 1/2*. Taker does the zombie situp, and makes creepy, receding hairline scary faces at those bad guys. Ooooo. This angle was awesome.
In 1997.
Commercials.
Moments ago, for those with no attention span. Meanwhile…
Carlito Colon pays Teddy Long a visit to help him clean out his office. Apparently, there was a board meeting, and Long’s job may be in jeopardy. But for now, he’s still the GM, so his suggestion: get the hell out of here, playa! Colon says when Long is not the boss, he’d better watch his back.
Fozzy provides the soundtrack for No Way Out, this Sunday! Here’s the card:
WWE Championship Match in a Barbed Wire Steel Cage:
JBL vs The Big Show
WWE Cruiserweight Championship 6 Man Elimination Match:
Funaki vs Paul London vs Spike Dudley vs Akio vs Chavo Guerrero vs Shannon Moore
WWE Tag Team Championship:
The Bashams vs Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero
SmackDown Rookie Diva Competition
It’s Not A Squash. Really!:
Luther Reigns vs The Undertaker
#1 Contenders Tournament Finals:
Kurt Angle vs John Cena
RAW’s Batista will be in attendance!
Meanwhile, John Cena talks with Josh about fetishes, when Kurt Angle happens by to offer words of encouragement. They wax philosophic about their first match together way back when, but Cena says it’ll be different this time. Meanwhile…
JBL gets that call; Batista is here! They head to ring, while we head to some…
Commercials.
MAIN EVENT INTERVIEW: JBL and his Cabinet head to the ring, where JBL tells us how good he is. He tells the Clevelandites that he’ll speak slow for their benefit. Cheap, but effective. I have to admit, I like it. He calls himself a wrestling GOD, which is kind of an insult to Eddy and Beniot, but again, a good heel move. So JBL is calling Batista out, and tells Show to put down the pizza and watch. Batista does indeed show up, dressed to the nines. He steps out of his car, passes JBL’s limo, then heads back to the limo, looking longingly at it. He heads over to his car, and proceeds to get undressed. Dear God, Russo is BACK! Oh, wait, never mind. Dave’s got a bat. Time to play wiffleball with the windows. He takes ’em all out too. And the horns. Way to burn some time. When he’s done, he checks his hair (Trips must’ve taught him that one) and goes to leave. JBL sends the Cabinet after him, but Batista takes off. This leaves JBL alone to deal with the Big Show! Show is all over JBL, and here comes the cavalry, er, Cabinet. They work Show over for a minute, and when Batista comes back, he hands out some spinebusters and a sitout powerbomb for Orlando. Neat camera shot as the Big Show rises up behind Batista, dwarfing him. They do a staredown, then the non-verbal face communication makes them look at JBL. Menacingly. Tazz and Cole think JBL might be in trouble come Sunday, as we go off the air.
Not a bad show to get back into things, but I’ll tell you: it feels like I’m watching WCW. Maybe it’ll seem better if I keep my expectations low. See ya next week!
