Riding Coattails: And Then There Were Two

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Over the past few weeks, the nation has held its breath as Jen Schefft, the reigning Bachelorette has narrowed her crop of would-be husbands from 25 to 2. America looked on in awe during the first episode when Jerry carried Jen down the stairs in an effort to impress her (or conserve her energy for future romantic trysts with him). We gasped in horror when Fabrice stuck his tongue in Jen’s mouth at the Cotton Club, but they breathed a sigh of relief when he dropped out of the competition a couple of weeks later. And we cheered when Wendell (a.k.a. The Troll) arrived first at the top of the Empire State Building for a dessert date with Jen.

But by far the biggest surprise of the show so far was Jen’s recent rejection of Ryan, the
undeniably cute teacher from Manhattan Beach, California. From the moment he walked through the door to meet Jen for the first time, I was certain that he would emerge victorious. His friendly smile, his admirable profession, and his all-around good-natured, normal personality were very appealing. And with the way Jen gushed over him in her interviews, saying how attractive and sweet he was, how easily she could talk to him, I thought Ryan had this one in the bag.

Oh, how wrong I was.

This week, my jaw dropped to the floor as Jen, after enjoying a lust-laden bubble bath with Ryan and listening to him declare his feelings of love for her, sent him packing. Not that he wasn’t up against quality competition, but still. How could Jen pick high-maintenance, mysterious Jerry over this guy, who would surely have done nothing but worship and adore her? Was it the zit on his chin? Did she see him use that Oral Brush-Up before meeting her in Cape Cod? Did she call him a media whore sell-out and bitch slap him on the beach? Was that it?

I don’t know. Maybe Jen just wants more of a challenge. She did say that she and Ryan had a similar way of looking at the world and expressing themselves. It’s possible that she’s looking for someone to complement her personality by being different, in which case Jerry would be a better choice than Ryan. However, Jen has been so wary of Jerry’s motives for even doing the show and hasn’t been able to get a clear read on where his head is at. And even though he’s by far the most smokin’ in the looks department, a long-term relationship can’t be built on a foundation of animal urges alone. I mean, did things work out for couples like Angelina and Billy Bob, or Pamela and Tommy? Not even.

Obviously Jerry has more going for him than just a pretty face. And maybe I’d like him more if he didn’t bear such an uncanny resemblance to this prick who made sixth grade utter hell for me. But something about the whole “I’m looking for a muse” attitude is off-putting. I don’t think Jen wants to be his muse. And the fact that he even said that at all tells me we’re dealing with a fairly large, economy-sized ego and an artist who may be taking himself a tad too seriously. But perhaps I’m being too harsh on Jerry. I mean, I haven’t even seen any of his artwork.

John Paul’s lovely home in Oklahoma City, however, was a bit of a work of art. It was cozy, tastefully decorated, and definitely not the typical bachelor pad. I could see Jen moving right in and feeling comfortable. She clearly loved his family and expressed no concerns about their authenticity or sanity. And when J.P. had his chef friend cook them dinner at his home, I knew he was going to get some serious make-out time with Jen. What woman wouldn’t roll over and put out for that?

At 25, John Paul was the youngest contender in the group, but his successful entrepreneurial business and overall poise may have convinced Jen that age doesn’t matter in this case. I would be inclined to agree. John Paul offers the most impressive package by far: stability, financial success, a kind heart, a suave romantic style (he didn’t even try to kiss her on their first date, but he held her hand and put his arm around her), and a handsome, trustworthy face. At first, I was worried that Jen might eliminate based on his age or not being sufficiently attracted to him, but after their fantasy date in Bermuda, I think that’s a fear that can safely be put to rest. She is totally hot for J.P.

Even though John Paul is the obvious pick to my outsider eye, I fear that Jen is going to break his heart and go for Jerry. And even though I think that would be a huge mistake, I have several reasons for backing this prediction:

1. History
On the last season of The Bachelorette, Meredith agonized over two blonde hotties, Matthew and Ian. Matthew, it seemed, was almost too good to be true: a down-to-earth Texas boy with a great body, a warm, fun family, and a heartful of love for Meredith. He was romantic and on their final night together before the last rose ceremony, Meredith told him that she wanted to marry him. And then, she picked Ian. Ian, who wouldn’t even let Meredith meet his parents, whose own brother treated her fairly coldly, who generally confused her and made her work hard to find the answers she was looking for. Of course, Ian also had an intrigue factor, having grown up in Brazil and being fairly spontaneous. But whatever, it didn’t work out. I have a feeling that if Meredith had
chosen Matthew, they’d still be together now.

I see undeniable parallels between John Paul and Matthew, and Jerry and Ian. While it’s true that Jerry is a bit better than Ian in that he let Jen meet his family (a big deal, considering he feels like an outsider and his mother is deaf), I think they’re both self-centered pretty boys.

2. Location
Jerry lives in L.A. John Paul lives in Oklahoma City. And while I’ve never been to either, I have a feeling that Jen would probably prefer California. It’s more familiar territory for her and the job prospects are probably better. Then again, if either boy is willing to move to her adopted hometown of Chicago, this point is moot.

3. Age
Chronology is not always fair. Jen is 28, Jerry is 29, and John Paul is 25. Although I think John Paul is light years ahead of Jerry on the maturity scale, these numbers have definitely been a psychological hoop that Jen needs to jump through and put behind her. For the most part, I think she has, but I can see a lingering doubt in her mind about J.P.’s junior status.

In the end, it probably doesn’t matter much which guy Jen chooses, since I can’t imagine another Trista and Ryan scenario. I truly think that those two were reality TV anomalies and I have the data to prove it. The cards are definitely stacked against Jen and her boy of choice, but who knows what could happen? I mean, I was wrong about Ryan from Manhattan Beach. And now I hope I’m wrong about Jerry. I can’t wait for the season finale, because then I, and the rest of the country, can exhale.