In Memoriam: Samuel Anderson. How many people can claim that they improved automobile safety, spawned a line of toys, and had a one-hit wonder named after his greatest invention?
You know, sometimes I hate doing this particular column. The days I’m transitioning from day shift to night shift are probably the worst. I tend to wake up early on Saturday (in this case about 6:00 AM) and I have absolutely no motivation to do anything except drink coffee. I’m not mentally prepared for Smackdown, even after I take the pills. Impact, I have even less motivation to see. However, I do soldier on for your benefit, even though I consider getting my laundry done the big accomplishment of my weekend. In fact, my clothes are in the wash as I’m writing this intro. So let’s get something done before I have to put my clothes in the dryer…
…oh, one note before I continue. No screencaps this week because Daniels is doing some work on our picture submission gateway. Yeah, I know, it sucks (I’ve received a lot of mail saying “Thanks for the screencaps. That way I don’t have to watch Smackdown.”), but live with it. Now on to the Short Forms…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Rey-Rey over Doug Basham (Pinfall, West Coast Pop): A match designed to set up a last-minute addition for No Way Out, and a total misfit of styles to boot. Rey-Rey got his spots in, Doug Basham took them like a complete bitch, and everyone in the audience decided to take a piss because they knew what would happen. Bleh
Sho Funaki, Paul London, and Shannon Moore over Akio, Spike Dudley, and Chavito (Pinfall, Funaki pins Dudley, yakuza kick): Oh, yippie, a trios match involving only one Mexican. And it’s a pimp match for the PPV, no less. But I don’t think that trios matches ever pimp for a PPV, or are interrupted by eight tits parading around with signs. If you thought the previous match was a total waste, then where does this match fall?
Kurt Angle over Danny Giamando, Kurt Angle Invitational (Submission, AngleLock): I just keep wondering how they’re going to end this particular angle. You think it would have died by now, but it’s turning out to be a good showcase for indy guys. So maybe they’ll keep it around for a while longer. I’m just waiting for Angle to get involved in a movie pimp for WM. Shawn Michaels as James Bond and Angle as Blofeld, perhaps?
John Cena over Booker T, Number One Contender’s Semi-Final Match (Pinfall, F-U): Well, the laundry’s done and I’ve folded my clothes. Too bad I put this match on Pause; I could have let it run and not missed anything. The pacing in this match drove me nuts. Slow, fast, slow, fast, lather, rinse, repeat. I was getting motion sickness from it. And here’s a secret that “creative” might not know: the five-match series between these two was outright boring. Why should the coda be any different?
Luther Reigns over Nunzio (Pinfall, swinging neckbreaker): Nunzio didn’t get an entrance. That’s the first sign of a squash. And guess what we had here? Definite piss break match.
The Undertaker over Mark Jindrak (Pinfall, Tombstone Piledriver): You thought a squash match was bad? How about UT, in an angle advancement match, trying to make Jindrak look strong? No, this wasn’t bad. This was humorous. And sick to boot.
Angle Developments:
Pulpy: This week’s Pulp Fiction parody wasn’t as good as last week’s Basic Instinct, but it does rank right up there with it. Booker and Eddy had the roles down pat, especially Booker, who was sounding like Samuel L. Jackson. I’ll actually be sad when WM comes around, because that’ll mean the end of these promos.
Wrong Approach: Does anyone else think that Batista should have just hot-wired the limo and drove away instead of breaking all the windows? I mean, we’ve seen that before. The hot-wiring would have been a new and interesting twist.
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Ron Killings over Michael Shane (Pinfall, scissors kick, Time of Match: 3:52): Hold it, are you sure this is Impact? Where’s the introductory jobber match? Where’s the overexposed guy going over? Where’s the poor match quality? Where’s the fact that I’m going to hate both guys involved? Hell, I love Killings. Maybe I downloaded the wrong show.
Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas over Buck Quartermain and Lex Lovett (Pinfall, Douglas pins Lovett, Natural Disaster, Time of Match: 3:35): Ah, there’s the jobber match I was looking for. But they actually made it competitive for once. That was a pleasant surprise. As for why Candido is hanging around with the Naturals, well, they’re greasy loser skanks, so they must remind him of Tammy.
Big Bruno and Big Till over Mikey Batts and (Kid) Romeo (Pinfall, Bruno pins Romeo, Tsunami Splash, Time of Match: 2:32): Phi Delta Crappa, the Public Enemy of the Zeroes. Like we all needed that. Of course, it is awe-inspiring, or at least stomach-turning, to see a guy weighing three spins do a frog splash.
Chris Candido over Shark Boy and Chris Sabin, Triple Threat Match (Pinfall, Candido pins Shark Boy, Sabin Reverse Figure-Four set-up, Time of Match: 3:21): WWE sticks to that Triple Threat “formula” like mother’s milk, but their Triple Threat matches are a lot longer and wrestlers have to have a breather, which is why they stay with one-on-one for most of the match. I prefer TNA’s variant, though. It’s compressed, but that means that there’s more action and the wrestlers can stay in the ring together for most of the match. This was a nice way to build up Candido as a smart veteran, although I still have to question his taste in companions.
Monty Brown versus Lance Hoyt (ND, Tritonis Interruptus): Oh, my God yet again…this match had one of the most obviously blown simple spots I’ve ever seen in wrestling, Non-Jackie Gayda Division. Monty was to take Hoyt and clothesline him over the top rope. Hoyt didn’t go over the rope, bounced back into the ring, and then rolled out. Combine this with the bizarre camera work in the match, in which Rudy Charles’ ass was on display for about twenty seconds straight, and you have a main event that shouldn’t have been, even with the appearance of Monty.
Angle Developments:
The Super Blown Invasion: The last time I saw Kevin Nash and Diamond Dallas Page in the same general vicinity together was at Pillman 2000. They were both drunk off their asses and having a good old time. Maybe it’s Jeff Jarrett who spoils things like that.
Yet Another Reason To Like Him: We’ve all loved Christopher Daniels’ work in the ring for years. Now, all of a sudden, he’s picked up some great mic skills to go along with said in the ring. His promo with Douglas was compelling and got right down to the point. He’s making himself into one helluva heel and becoming one of the key players in TNA. Let’s hope WWE doesn’t bring him in, because they’d completely ruin him.
Score Another One For Old Age: So it’s going to be Jarrett/Page at Destination X, huh? If WWE decided to get serious against TNA, they could successfully drag out the “Where The Old Boys Play” campaign that they used against WCW. First a forty-something with blown-out knees, now a fiftysomething seemingly preserved in formaldehyde who’s lucky he got into wrestling so late that he has little wear-and-tear on him. I’ve wondered for years exactly how a guy like him could get a hot piece of ass like Kimberly. He’s got to be hung like an elephant. That’s the only explanation I can think of.
Will History Hold True?: It’s a fact that the Clique have their best matches against each other. However, those matches usually involved Shawn Michaels and Trip (back when he was good). But Kevin Nash versus Billy Gu…oops, that’s Vince’s trademark, isn’t it…Monty Sapp (I’m not using his current ring name because it’s yet another attempt by TNA to glom on WWE’s created heat for a wrestler, just like Road Hogg doing his trademark intro)? This one’s going to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, people. Then again, out of the eight members of the Clique, TNA now has five of the six with no wrestling talent (and God knows that they’ll sign Justin Credible at any moment).
And that’ll close out this edition. As for me, I definitely need to take a nap. What a drag it is growing old.
