The Midnight News 02.21.05

This is Jo from Singapore, 2nd email to you. In my first email I gave you a porn password and called you a twat and a 3rd nipple, basically.

So…hyatte@insidepulse.com? Whatever happened to glorydog@cocks.network? Dog, you don’t want the cock no more?! Yeah who needs cock when
you’ve got Chyna’s clit. Hi8 loves Chyna’s clit!

So, i’ve got good news, bad news and badder news. Also, i’ve got a Guide to life question! Don’t worry Hi8, it’s short like your dick. But quite unmanageble, like your bowel movement. I’ll be StevieWonder and you’ll be my seeing-eye bitch.

First the bad news, as always, you cumslurper. I wanna talk about rasslin, heh. This Arab-American dude, Hassan. Now I don’t know enough to comment on US
politics, ok maybe 1 comment= The Bush daughter needs to get into a school uniform and sit on my lap now! Rite, so Hassan- i took one look at him and i thought “shit, he doesn’t look arabic at all…in fact he looks Indian!” Actually since he’s supposed to be muslim i guess i should say Pakistani. I’m surprised WWE didn’t rehire Tiger Ali Singh and dress him like an Arab. Heck, bring back D-Lo Brown. Form a stable. Call them 4 horsemen, no wait, 4 Camel Jockeys. If this were Nitro you know Bish would have done that just to mess with Flair. Jockey beatdown! Jockey beatdown! This is the greatest beatdown in the history of our sport- Tony

Here’s the badder news- I’m out of Twisty porn site passwords. Yah, sorry. My own doesn’t work too. No wait, I DID NOT just apologize, I meant Bitch, it’s your goddamn fault, now go make me a sandwich.

thank you & kindest regards,

Jo from Singapore

This was the most annoying e-mail I’ve ever gotten.

Whats goin on Hyatte. I have one of those Myspace profiles that I use to talk to my friends and it was funny that Test has one. I sent something to him to see if he will join my friends group and told him that I loved his work and his technical wrestling ability. God I love lying to people like that. Well, good column as always and the Mop-Up was funny.

Eric Jackson

Oh… leave Test alone. He’s had a rough year.

Dude you need to pry some more into that profile on Test’s mySpace account. That Tanya Von Biatch just happens to be a TS, or in the mortal words of Austin Powers “She’s a Man, Baby!!” Yes she mentions in her profile she is going to the best doctors to have her transformation done and she wants to be the bet TS entertainer there is!!! Poor Test, Andrew, whatever, cannot get a real chick anymore!!!!

Mike

That hottie is a DUDE!!! Oh Lord… poor horny Test.

I can’t PRY some more into anyone’s MySpace profile because I’m not a member… and I have no intention of BEING a member… EVER. Much like the whole bloggging phenom that is sweeping the planet, I simply REFUSE to dip my toe in these kinds of waters.

Besides, MySpace would require a picture of me (it is, after all, a “let’s meet and f*ck” site)… and too many people would have too much fun ragging on my picture. Oh HELL no…

Hello She-Males. I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News! Yes it is. And that’s about all I have to say on this matter… so let’s roll.

Gonna burn through this…. sorry… I’m busy and tired. You can log off. This won’t be any good.

NO WAY (I’m) OUT ($35 ordering this thing)

It’s the last PPV ’til Wrestlemania…. and it belongs to SMACKDOWN

I didn’t see it. I don’t watch Smackdown for FREE… why would I order the thing?

I’m sorry…. I’m f*cking blurry eyed here… I need to get the f*ck to bed WIDRO YOU’RE KILLING ME… I can’t do anything funny here. Here is the recap as presented by Kurtis Osterland. It’s the Inside Pulse’s home recap. It’s all I can do. Fuck you. PAY ME AND YOU’LKL GET MORE BUT NOW I HAVE SHIT TO DO YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!! SEVEN YEARS I’VE BEEN BUSTING MY ASS FOR… oh screw it… read and/or scroll… I’m going to bed.

Welcome to Inside Pulse’s LIVE! coverage of No Way Out. Coverage will begin at 8 PM EST. As usual, latest results will be in italics.

Tag Titles- The Bashams (c) vs Eddy Guerrero & Rey Mysterio

Eddy and Danny start. Eddy with some mat basics and tags to Rey. Rey uses his quickness, but gets caught in the Basham corner. Rey gets away and Eddy is back in. Doug out and Danny in and Danny takes over with a straight jacket choke. Doug back in and works over Eddy with punches and a powerslam. Doug whiffs on a move and Rey is back in. Rey gets caught by a switch up by the Bashams and Danny takes over with a full nelson, followed by a reverse bearhug. More double teaming on Rey. Doug goes for a suplerplex, but Mysterio counters and hits a moonsault. Rey is unable to capitolize and the Bashams hit a doible team X-factor/inverted Rydenbomb. Rey isn’t down for long though and tags Eddy. Eddy and Rey take over. Eddy goes to cheat, but Rey stops him. Edyy goes up for a frog splash, but Doug moves and Eddy rolls through. It gets wild with many attempts to cheat, but Eddy gets hold of a belt after Rey tosses it in, nails Doug. 1-2-3. New champs.
Winners- Eddy & Rey Rey

Carlito comes in to Teddy Long’s office. CCC tells Long his job may be in jeapordy.

The Divas are introduced for the rookie contest. Voting is now open (there’s voting on this?).

Booker T vs Heidenriech

Heidenriech starts off with a poem and then Booker is out. JH takes over early with a clothesline. Booker counters with a kick. On the outside now and Booker slams JH’s head off of the steps. Back in and Boker hits a kick for 2. Heidenriech comes back with punches and a clothesline. JH on Booker with a wristlock and biting. Booker gets out, but JH is back to the wristlock. Booker is back out and hits a spinebuster. Spinaroonie and Booker goes for the scissor kick. It misses and JH goes to hit Booker, but falls to the outside. Suddenly Heidenriech pulls out a chair and nails Booker in the throat. DQ. Heidenriech then acts all *ahem* “crazy”.
Winner- Booker T

Cruiserweight title- Funaki (c) vs Paul London vs Akio vs Spike Dudley vs Shannon Moore vs Chavo Guererro
Gauntlet rules. London and Funaki to start off. Funaki is quickly eliminated after Spike interferes. Spike is in next, but Funaki hits him with a superkick and London makes the pin. Spike is gone. Moore is in next and is soon pinned by a London 450 splash. Akio in and he’s all over London. In the corner and Akio pulls out a figure-four neck lock. Back in and Akio goes for a superplex. London counters with a top rope neckbreaker and the ref starts the 10 count. London is up at 9, but continues to count Akio out (wtf?). Akio is eliminated. Chavo in now and goes for a quick pin on London. London kicks out repeatedly. London takes over and pulls out a dragon suplex! Only 2 though. London goes for a roll up, but Chavo rolls through and grabs the ropes. Ref doesn’t see it and Chavo steals the Cruiserweight title.
Winner- Chavo Guererro

Batista’s appearance on Smackdown is covered.

More of the Divas stuff.

Interview with JBL.

Luther Reigns vs The Undertaker
Jindrack is thrown out before the match even begins. UT then makes a very drawn out entrance. Very drawn out. UT unloads with punches to start. Old school, followed by Hassan’s WMD (TM Scott Keith). Reigns removes a turnbuckle cover while UT is preoccupied with the ref. Back and forth now until UT whips Reigns into the exposed turnbuckle. UT with a legdrop on the ring apron. Reigns now begs off and then nails a lowblow. Luther sends ‘taker into the exposed turnbuckle head first. Luther takes over with brawling and suplex. Elbow for two, followed by a single leg crab. UT fights out with punches and kicks, followed by a clothesline for 2. Taker whips Luther into the ropes, but Luther counters with a spear. Reigns goes for his neckbreaker finisher (Chris Daniels Last Rights), but is out. Vintage UT followed by a chokeslam. Tombstone attempt is countered though, with an inverted DDT. Reigns again goes for his finish, but waits too long and UT nails a DDT. Tombstone follows and you know the rest.
Winner- The Undertaker

Yet more divas stuff. Joy wins the competition.

WrestleMania 21 Main Event shot- Kurt Angle vs John Cena
Angle starts by grounding Cena.Cena up, but Kurt puts him down with a belly to belly. Angle back to the mat work. Cena sends Angle outside with a clothesline and he goes absolutely nuts, sending Angle into the announce table. Back inside and a Cena suplex gets him two. Cena goes for the FU, but Angle is wise and takes a powder. Angle back in and Cena takes it right to him. Angle counters an irish whip and hits a german suplex into the turnbuckle! Angle takes over with repeated pin attempts. Angle goes back to the mat with a combinatin body scissors/crossface. Cena attempts a comeback, but is quickly stopped by the rolling Germans. Two count broken up by the ropes. Cena makes a comeback with some brawling and a spinebuster. Angle somehow pulls outs a German, but is stopped from going for more with a Blue Thunder. Cena again goes for the FU, but Angle rolls into a sunset flip. Angle slam is countered with a DDT and another FU try gets stopped by an ankle lock. Cena quickly escapes and send Kurt outside. Angle gets caught coming back in with a guilotine leg drop and Cena is ready to hit the FU. FU hits, but only grabs 2!. Cena thinks he has won it and Angle takes out his knee. Angle goes crazy on the knee and then hits and Angle slam to boot. And it’s time for another ankle lock. Angle drops down into a heel hook in an attempt to stop Cena from reaching the ropes, but Cena makes them anyway. Ref is bumped trying to get Angle to break the hold. Angle goes for Cena’s chain while the fans chant for HBK. Cena is up and hits the FU! 1-2-3! Cena is going to WrestleMania!
Winner- John Cena

Cage match is next.

WWE Title- Barbed-wire Steel Cage match- JBL (c) vs The Big Show
Much brawling to start and Show is busted open early on thanks to the cage. Show takes over and pulls out a powerbomb, first nailing JBL’s skull into the cage before driving him down. JBL now wears the crimson mask. Show is just pounding the hell out of JBL. The Bashams and Orlando Jordan run down and attemtp to cut a hole in the cage. A small one is started before Teddy Long comes down and tells them to get to steppin’. Jordan however has left the boltcutters behind. JBL grabs them up and nails Show in the head. Show is still standing and Bradshaw hits the ropes and blasts Big Show with a Clothesline From Hell. JBL is shocked as it only gets two. Show is back up and he’s pissed. He grabs JBL and hits the chokeslam, but only for 2! Show calls JBL a son of a bitch and goes for another chokeslam, that JBL stops with a lowblow. JBL grabs the boltcutters again and climbs the cage so he can cut the barbed-wire in an attempt to escape. Show is up though and stops him. Show climbs up the ropes and is now up there with JBL. Big Show grabs JBL and chokeslams him from the tope rope sending him though the ring! JBL looks dead. Show climbs down and rips the chain off of the door. He climbs out and the bell rings. However, JBL is announced the winner. It seams that JBL crawled through the hole in the ring to the outside while the cameras focused on Show.
Winner- JBL

Show is pissed and goes after JBL as the cage raises. He begins pounding on him, but the Bashams and OJ are back and put the beatdown on Show. Batista’s music then hits and he comes in and destroys everyone in his way. Spinebusters for all and a DAVE!bomb for one of the Bashams. Meanwhile, JBL is crawling away and out comes Cena. Cena grabs JBL and nails hit repeatedly and drags him to a stage. He then picks up JBL and gives him a standing spinebuster through a stage! He poses and he and Batista stare down as Cena’s music hits.

End show.

Thank you… what’s yer name? Kurt… right. Thank you Kurt.

WHO WANTS JUICE?

So…

Jose Canseco, because he’s a dumbass who thought he’d be making serious money forever, woke up one day and realized that he’s piss broke and too old for a baseball comeback. So he does what all patriotic Americans who lose it all does… he writes a tell-all book and outs EVERYONE.

Canseco’s big hook here is that not only did he take a massive amount of steriods… but a great many other ballplayers did too.

Major League Baseball, embarrassed more because Canseco shoved this part of the game under the media spotlight, than the actual truth, are now busy doing damage control and promising harder laws and tougher testing regulations.

The NFL, naturally, are quietly sitting on the sidelines with their hands clamped behind their backs and whistling to themselves, waiting for this to blow over before someone realizes that their players aren’t exactly normal sized. They’re just minding their own business.

So OF COURSE, the WWE Superstars have to chime in…

There’s HHH, who says Of COURSE, I’m not on steroids! I’ve been maintaining a body-building regime since I was 14! The body has its own memory! It will ALWAYS stay like this now! NATURALLY!

And there’s Kurt Angle, who told a bunch of High School kids that only LOSERS turn to steroids… and WINNERS get an unGodly physique through sheer will and DISCIPLINE…

…. sigh… what bothers me is that some of you might wonder… might really not KNOW how to spot a person on the juice. COULD Hunter have that body without steroids? COULD Angle put on about 50 pounds of muscle over the last few years… WITH a broken neck… without steroids?

The answers, of course, are no and FUCK NO!

200 days a year. That’s the average road schedule for a WWE superstar. Without European/Asian trips, the Raw crew are running from house to house, miles and miles apart, from Friday to Tuesday. The Smackdown crew actually work a harder schedule, one extra day for the taping and they work a house on Monday nights.

To get a physique that’s even CLOSE to HHH’s… you really need to devote at least 4-6 hours a day, pure lifting. This doesn’t include the cardio training you need to stay in the ring and work for just ten minutes.

Don’t believe me? Read Schwarzenegger’s Encyclopedia of Body Building, for over 30 years it’s been the Holy Bible for lifters. Check out the schedule Arnold maintained. Twice a day, 3 hours each.

God knew what he was doing. He gave us legs that could bend and flex and hold our weight (and a lot more) without breaking down. Steroids inflates the muscles to such a degree that they loosen, they lose their grip on the bone. Thus, when enough pressure is placed on it, the muscles can slide right off the bone with ease. What kind of pressure? Oh a LOT of pressure… like STANDING or WALKING… or SLIDING INTO THE RING AND JOSTLING YOUR THIGH AGAINST THE RING APRON.

Vince McMahon, in the FUNNIEST story I’ve read in a while, had his thigh muscle fold away from his leg bone when he rubbed it against the ring apron during the Royal Rumble. Then, because he’s an arrogant prick, he tried to limp away backstage on one leg and the pressure or limping tore the OTHER thigh muscle off the bone. Does this seem natural? Does this sound normal? It’s NOT.

And he is a known work-a-holic who is famous for micromanaging almost every facet of his company. So how much time do you think he actually has for the type of training regime he needs to have such a buffed out body?

MUSCLES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO PEEL OFF THE BONE, PEOPLE!!

And Triple H is fat… fat for a body builder. He would never win any competition. Too much water weight in there. He’s soggy… so so soggy… if he wasn’t on the juice and did work out as hard as he did, he’s look more cut, refined. He’d look more like Randy Orton.

Orton’s juiced too, by the way.

They all are. That’s what I’m trying to say. All of them… except for Eugene. Eugene’s clean. And the Divas. And Regal. Regal’s clean too.

Now here’s the irony… Angle, because of his busted neck, actually has an EXCUSE for steroids and would be medically able to admit to taking them. Steroids does serve a purpose… to ease pressure on injured joints by supplying relieving, strengthening fluid to the surrounding muscles. Angle’s neck is injured. Conceivably, a Doctor can put him on steroids as part of his therapy

Taking it one step further, ALL wrestlers, with their nagging injuries, could possibly be candidates for steroid treatments. Shoulders… knees… back… neck… groin… the juice’ll help them heal. Doctor’s prescribe it all the time.

But for a wrestler to come right out and blurt that he has NEVER taken steroids… well, that’s just begging for trouble. Of course, being a self-governing body with no one to answer to other than a few stockholders has its advantages…. like a half-assed testing policy and a general lawlessness. So long as the boys make it to the next house, Vince doesn’t care WHAT they take.

But lying like that is just insulting… and stupid. Eventually, SOMEONE will take notice…

Or does Vince REALLY think he can beat the Government in another steroid trial?

Ya’ know… he probably does… even without a leg to stand on.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

Abortion?

The day my daughter comes home and says that Hyatte knocked her up, I’d have a coat hanger up in there before she finished the sentence.

Flea: Father of the year

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Momma’sBoy, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Fusion too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

He’s making sure Lemmy gets to work at least once every few years. Can YOU say the same??

THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU” STARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

I can’t wait for Lemmy to play HHH’s theme song at WM. If only to watch Hunter mount the corner ropes, point at Lemmy, and make those flexing gestures! Rock on, Hunter. ROCK ON FOR ALL OF US!!!

A LIVE MIC = DANGER

Okay, I got some stuff to work with now. Thanks to all who pitched in. Keep them coming. I still need submissions… but thanks to those who pitched in.

I’ve got a lot of stuff after this section, so to keep your eyes from blurring over, I’ll just hit ya’ with ten fast single lines here. Hit and run, this time out.

01): One hasn’t paid their dues until riding in a sealed-up car in January after they’ve had a large meal of rice-and-beans at a truckstop with two or three Mexicans. I think you get my drift. I know I got theirs.– Chuck Cell, aka Vic Orlandino

02): Bret, I kicked your leg right out of your leg!– Owen Hart

03): Goldberg, the Rock ain’t next… YOU’RE next, you whisker biscuit, bald headed BITCH!– The Rock

4) Aging weakens eyesight, but maturity lets you see through the B.S. It’s a fair trade.– Lou Thesz

05): I understand that Marlena likes to talk to Goldust during sex, and last night she called him from a hotel– Jerry Lawler: Raw ’97

06): If Rey Mysterio Jr lost all of his clothes in a fire, he’d be out 12 bucks– Bobby Heenan

07): I see you have wavy hair….its waving goodbye!– Scotty Anthony to a balding GWF anouncer

08): Traveling with Ivan Putski always had its funny moments. He always had a lot of gas … both literally, from the bodybuilding supplements, and metaphorically, in terms of ego and stuff.– Robbie Ellis

09): Dusty Rhodes wouldn’t win a body building contest for best abs, McMahon, he’d win for MOST abs.– Jesse Ventura

10): When I was born, my Momma looked at me and she said ‘Oh God, he looks like a saddlebag face!’. But she said ‘Saddlebag face, I love you!’.– Blackjack Mulligan

Saddlebag Face… heh… banged a few of those…. yup.

Told ya it would be quick. Now it’s time for a popular semi-regular feature ’round these parts.

ACROSS THE BOARDS

Ahhh, message boards… what would the IWC be without them.

After carefully scouring through about half a dozen different message boards, I am getting a sense of what is on the minds of YOU, John Q. Markboy and your friends…. and as always, it’s the exact same crap you’ve been carrying on about for years now. Jesus people, you NEVER change your tune.

Anywhoo, I put together a fine array of (relatively) diverse notes and posts made throughout the last couple of weeks from several different sites… including the Torch’s VIP site… which I am NOT a paying member of.

YOU HEAR THAT, WADE FUCKFACE KELLER???? I’M NOSING THROUGH THE UNDERWEAR DRAWER OF YOUR AUDIENCE’S INNERMOST THOUGHTS FOR FREE!!! FREE, GODDAM YOU!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA YOU SUCK!!!!

We start off the fun with what seems to be the beginning of something very rare around these parts… an actual, honest to goodness CATFIGHT!! Read it and wonder just who would fight over someone on the Internet?

“Now, I was drunk last night, so I barley remember what was said, I almost didn’t remember, till I came here, and saw a post of yours, a remembered you messaged me. Anyways, my reply: Yes, I do talk to him. He and I have talked for over 2 years now, and that was not hidden from you when you started talking to him. OMG!!!! LIKE HOLY FUCK!!! HE TALKS TO OTHER GIRLS!! :O:O:O I don’t ‘run’ to any guy….but think what you like. You’ve been ‘on to me’ for a while now, eh? You’ve been on that I haven’t talked to him, except MAYBE twice in a month. You’ve been on to the fact that we talk about the other girls he likes, and my guy when him and I talk? Or you’ve been on to the fact that I could care less what you, or ANY other person on the net thinks of me? Oh, and btw, if you wanna say he’s called me ‘mannish’ or whatever it was, that’s nothing compared to the things he says about you ‘Obsessive, needy, ugly girl’….oh, and there’s much more. Hey, you seem to have the same jealously that my guy has. Maybe you two should date?? Or is it that your jealous that me, at 19 years old, has a better future set up for myself, then you do at 35 years old, STILL LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS? Don’t f*ck with me. I did nothing to you, except listen to you bitch for months about how bad he is, and how much you miss him. BLAH BLAH BLAH! LIKE I FUCKING CARE. Leave me the f*ck alone if you want to act HALF MY AGE! You were a cool chick, until you became paranoid that EVERYONE was against you. See ya later, chick.”

“What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread?”

“How long will it take before we see an indy wrestler named: TSUNAMI?”

“Anyone have a good idea how to contact Triple H? He gave me something, and now I need to get it signed in person. Message me if you can help.”

Get a black ski mask, a flashlight and start hanging out either outside the arenas, hotel lobbies or in the bushes outside his house. You’ll bag yourself a Triple H in no time! Or you could just call him: 334-756-3336″

“Channell 19/43 Action News in Cleveland just reported that Kurt Angle will be retiring from WWE following his Wrestlemania match with Shawn Michaels. I’ll hate to see him go, especially after having a good match on Smackdown tonight, but I’d rather he do that than end up crippled from a bad spot.”

“Anyone else notice that Hunter looked like a cocker spaniel? The hair covering his ears looked like flappy dog ears.”

“I can’t wait for the debut of Chris ‘The Masterpiece’ Masters next week on RAW. He was compared to Mozart and Ernest Hemmingway, so he must really be able to work a match. This guy can’t just be the 91749032758937th musclebound stiff, because he’s a GENIUS!”

“I love how they shoot his vignettes with Masters’ legs concealed by darkness. The guy is like a silo propped up by a couple of toothpicks”

“I remember watching a tape of Japanese wrestling from several years ago and one of the wrestlers was dressed up like a panda. Whatsupwitdat?!”

“I don’t know about you guys, but I go commando because I am too cheap to buy underwear.”

“Hes calling you a fag…dumb ass go ring your bell f*cking stupid dickbitch”

“You bitch and bitch about Gabe Sapolsky yet you seem to be the one obsessed with him and Ring of Honor. You come here and make in upwards of 15 threads all negative about him. You need to get yourself some help, obsessive compulsive disorder is a serious disease. You can get help. How sad is it you spend your entire Saturday evening/early sunday morning making posts about ROH because you can’t get over the fact they allegedly fired you. Man I’ve seen some pathetic people but you really take the cake. Get yourself some help, you obviously need it.”

“John Charles Layfield? You mean, all this time, his middle name wasn’t really ‘Bradshaw’???”

“Madden was the 2nd best Wrestling Heel announcer ever, after Jesse the Body, and a little ahead of Heenan. He was a true heel announcer, not a waffling, childish leering idiot like Lawler. The beauty of Mark and Jesse was that in defending the heels, everything they said was true.”

“Wow. Employees being taken advantage of by the man, given low wages regardless of company income, sucky health care coverage if any at all, not enough vacation time, and little if any choices regarding alternatives for employment. Next thing you are going to tell me is that water is wet and that the sky is blue. Labor issues are present at every job, yours and mine included. When the companies were dying 10 years ago there were many people who were bemoaning the fact that less and less people are going to be able to make a living in wrestling. Yes, as Meltz would say, wrestling makes an assload more money than it did in say 1980. But like Ole said, there are literally thousands of people working elsewhere due to the monopoly. It’s the same exact thing you hear about at every single Planning Board meeting in every town in the United States when WalMart makes plans to move in. Monopolies are not good for employees. The framers of the U.S. Constitution knew this Thomas Jefferson being the most fervent wanting to even prohibit Copyrights. WWE’s ‘monopoly’ doesnt quite fit the bill seeing how there actually are other wrestling organizations and the ability, theoreticaly, to start another fed (are you listening Uncle Ted?). However the reasons why monopolies are bad in a capitalist society are all present within the wrestling industry due to WWE’s monopoly over the business in North America.”

“ECW ruined any momentum they had when they put the world belt on Justin Credible. I’m not saying Tommy Dreamer was the best choice but he was more believable than some guy I could probably take in a fight.”

“WCW didn’t just kill the golden goose with Bill Goldberg, they decapitated it, set it on fire, and then ran over it with a lawn mower. They actually did something right building this guy up.Then Nash beats him at Starrcade. Adding insult to injury, he’s booked as an idiot to set up the ‘fingerpoke’ incident then gets beat down and spray painted. All in his ‘hometown’!”

“mikey whipwreck running a wrestling school? wasn’t he the kid with that corny dungeons and dragons tee shirt who always used to get the shit kicked out of him? what……….the………….f*ck???????????????/”

“jack sabboth is another promoter who thinks he runs shows!!!! my dick is more hard core!!! oh he hates that!!!!”

“Dont you get you’re a dumb f*ck who should be shot in the face”

“So how long before Lemmy shows up on Raw and starts telling HHH ‘You’re the greatest musician of all time, mate!'”

“On TV and in magazines Torrie can look quite good. However, I got to see her up close and personal as she walked right by me through a mall in Halifax, Nova Scotia after working out (i.e. no makeup) and she looked like a sun-dried tomatoe. She’s no Trish.”

“It’s all fun and games until someone kicks a fake baby into the audience.”

“There are 3 rings in a man’s life. Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.”

“Slyck Wagner Brown once offered to clean Gabes house to work ROH!”

“Christian might be one of those guys who Newsletter/Internet fans like because he is consistent, he has ok to good matches, he has a very entertaining gimmick that shows he is willing to be a heel, and he does all the little things well.”

“I don’t mind the fact it seems they’ll be running a Gunn vs. BG James feud out of the gate. That prolongs for a little while TNA’s money feud of the NAO vs. AMW for the Tag Titles. It may likely be the *only* money feud they have, unless you listen to the Internet nutcases claiming that Raven will boost ratings…”

“Can anybody here actually say they missed the Dudleys?”

“It just seems to me that Cena and Christian have the exact same gimmick.”

“Supposedly, [Amy Weber] might avoid a lawsuit with the WWE by them sending her to the RAW brand to get away from certain people. I’m hoping for a lawsuit, personally. It’d be nice to see some pressure on the hazing/jock shit.”

“This message is for ERIC SIMMS, or anyone else that has a copy of the Gino Moore Porno tape (it does exist!!)Eric, about a year ago you sold a friend of mine a copy of the Gino Moore porno tape where he has sex with a chick almost as fat and nasty as he is. Anyway to make a long story short I saw the tape back when he had it but we don’t talk anymore. I went on your website but it wasn’t listed there. Is this something you sell but don’t advertise? I am interested in purchasing a copy because its hilarious watching the fat f*ck. He can’t even have normal intercourse because he’s so f*cking fat. His dick is all small and useless so he has to use a dildo on this fat whore of his.”

“The IC title picture has become extremely stale. Whereas Smackdown has a somewhat abundance of mid-card heels (Dupree, Suzuki, Reigns, Jindrak, Jordan, etc.) that could easily be the next U.S. champion, RAW is caught between as a rock and a hard place when it comes to Shelton’s challengers.”

“I think its time to give Matt Hardy a push for the IC title when he comes back. Turn him heel and make him Shelton’s opponent for Mania 21 or post Mania. I think Matt’s proven himself to be a great singles wrestler and its time he got a serious singles title push. The division has grown stagnant again, and I think having Matt as a champion/contender would help.”

“the first thing I thought of when they announced Piper was ‘hmm, that’s three of the five WMI Main Event participants; Hogan would make four.’ I’d start getting suspicious if Bob Orton somehow ‘breaks his arm’ in the next few weeks.”

“I’ve noticed a few ocassions now where opponents of Kurt Angle have clearly grabbed the ropes when in the Ankle Lock, only to have the ref ignore it and allow Angle to drag them back to the middle of the ring and make them submit. It also happened to Brock Lesnar a few times at SummerSlam ’03. Is there any explanation for this, or just an inconsistency? I can’t see any reason why the hold wouldn’t be broken in these cases.”

“For those of you missing some of that good ole’ WCW nostalgia…TNA is certainly trying it’s hardest to help you relive it”

“For a long time, the British Bulldog was ‘pound for pound the greatest athlete in the WWF today.’ I don’t think they’ve used pound for pound since, except maybe for Spike Dudley.”

“I say send Sylvain Grenier back to the gay bath house they found him in and team up Swinger with Conway….and quickly lose the ‘French Sympathizer’ crap.”

“I actually would like to see Batista-JBL more than I would Batista-Triple H.”

“Did Sean Waltman pull a Randy Savage? Waltman doesn’t appear on the next two weeks of TV. Did he bump into Scott Hall and OD or something?”

“is there message board terminology for sad attempts to put yourself over?”

“The last thing Batista needs is to be partnered with a guy who represents the past. I wouldn’t let Hogan within a country mile of Batista at Wrestlemania. Did Bruno come out and congratulate Hogan in January of ’84? No. Likewise, Hogan should stay the hell away from any WWE main events, now and forever.”

“How exactly do wrestlers get health coverage? I always assumed injuries occuring in the ring are covered by the WWE. If not I would assume it would be really hard to get covered. If Lloyds of London wont cover guys policies I would think a company like Blue Cross wouldn’t either or the premiums are so huge that, after paying it, the $75,000 average salary the guys make would shrivel to about what I make a year. How exactly does this work?”

“When Vince started it all, everyone thought they’d be making six figures forever. It only lasted until there was no competition. Now where do they go?
They are a tick off using Tomko correctly – he should be a straight man to Christian’s offbeat shenanigans. Then he could get over. Seriously. After all, Jericho got Ralphus over. That’s probably about as far as Tomko could get, the big guy gimmick does not work when Batista and Snitsky dwarf him”

“Gino Moore has the biggest tits out of anyone on the indies. And he’s definitely a rat, in more than one way!”

“MIKEY WHIPWRECK IS A DEGENERATE AND ROBBED THIS UGLY BITCH OF HER SAVINGS AND FOR THAT HE SHOULD BE LOCKED THE FUCK UP!”

“everyone needs an escape from life, they need to escape how pathetically weak their lives are. this is where they do it.”

So yeah, that’s what you retards have been yammering about as of late.

We done yet? Nah… let’s take her home with one, last thing…

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER (PRESIDENT’S DAY EDITION)

Ah yes, President’s Day… the first full-length three day weekend of the new year… also known as The Superbowl for Car Dealerships across the Land.

So in honor of the celebration of the holiday (or, as those heathen bastard Canadians call it: “Just another excuse for maircans to skip work, eh?”), I thought I’d google my little ass off and present an expanded list of fun facts about several of our nation’s leaders. Read these… heat up the printers and print them… study them… learn them… impress the babes with your newly aquired knowledge… and make sure you thank good ol’ Hy8 when you have three fingers and a ham sandwich up their kanoodle!

*No president of the United states was an only child.*

*George Washington loved cream of peanut soup*

*While president, Thomas Jefferson wrote a book rejecting the divinity of Jesus, The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth, though it was not published until after his death.*

*James Madison was only 5’4″ tall and weighed less than 100 pounds*

*John Quincy Adams was the first president to have his photo taken (April 13, 1843).*

*Martin Van Buren was the first president who was born a U.S. citizen.*

*Martin Van Buren’s autobiography does not mention his wife once*

*William Henry Harrison’s inaugural address was the longest of any president. And he served the shortest time: 1 month, to the day. In his address he made the prophetic remark that he would not be a candidate for a second term*

*John Tyler was on his knees playing marbles when informed that he had become president upon the death of Harrison*

*James K Polk was the most successful president in American history. During the 1844 campaign, he made 5 promises: to acquire California from Mexico, to settle the Oregon dispute, to lower the tariff, to establish a sub-treasury, and to retire from the office after 4 years. When he left office, his campaign promises had all been fulfilled*

*James Buchanon liked to give sauerkraut and mashed potato parties*

*Abe Lincoln liked wrestling*

*Abe Lincoln was shot at twice before John Wilkes Booth killed him. Both times were while he was on his way to the Soldier’s Home and Lincoln joked about them and ordered that they not be publicized.*

*Andrew Johnson never attended school. He taught himself to read after his friends in a tailor shop taught him the letters of the alphabet*

*U.S. Grant’s favorite breakfast was a cucumber soaked in vinegar.*

*While president, Grant was arrested for speeding in his horse carriage*

*James Garfield was the first left-handed president*

*Grover Cleveland contracted and had surgery for cancer of the jaw during his second term, keeping it from the public and his pregnant young wife. It did not become public knowledge until 9 years after his death*

*Benjamin Harrison and his family often went to bed and left all the new electric lights burning because they were afraid to touch the switches*

*Teddy Roosevelt was the first president to ride in an automobile, a purple-lined Columbia Electric Victoria and the first president to ride in an airplane, a Wright biplane October 11, 1910 in St. Louis, Missouri.*

*William Howard Taft was over 300 pounds and 6’2″. Needing a big bathtub, he had a 7′ long 41″ wide tub installed that could accommodate 4 normal-sized men.*

*Calvin Coolidge loved having his head rubbed with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed.*

*Herbert Hoover’s son had 2 pet alligators that would sometimes wander around the White House.*

*Dwight David Eisenhower was the first president to be baptized after taking office.*

*Lyndon Johnson was the first president to name a black person to his Cabinet.*

*Richard Nixon was the first president to visit all 50 states*

*Gerald Ford once worked as a fashion model.*

*Jimmy Carter had his nine year old daughter, Amy, attend public schools near the White House*

*Ronald Reagan was the oldest person ever elected president (73).*

*George Bush’s dog, Millie, had her own room, in Nancy Reagan’s old beauty parlor*

*George W Bush was the second president to follow in his father’s footsteps. The other presidents were John Adams and John Quincy Adams. The names were almost the same, too: George Herbert Walker Bush and George Walker Bush*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were… however long it took your slow ass to read this.

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

Hyatte also LIVES to wrap up a column and go to bed… which he will do right this very second.

This is Hyatte