Okay so I don’t know what the hell to do with you people.
I just…I just don’t know what you want…
I mean do any, ANY of you people really like hip-hop? Like a little bit?…
I just don’t understand…
I should have known it was gonna be like this. I mean, you know, writing about hip-hop for a non-hip-hop site.
It’s kinda like writing about wrestling for Newsweek or some shit. You know? Like how the hell are you supposed to gauge your audience? You can’t assume that everybody knows what you’re talking about, or even gives a damn for that matter.
I try to provide fair and balanced hip-hop news, ya know? I even report on rappers that I wish would die. I figured “Hey, these are the artists that matter to them”. Shit, if I liked 50 Cent, I’d like to know that he supposedly lost a hand in his SUV door. I mean, that’s earth-shattering shit if you’re used to favorite rapper having two hands, right?
But you know, sometimes there’s these moments that make it seem pointless…
Take last week for instance…
I’m lurking around the Pulse checking out what’s crackin’ in the different zones…getting my weekly fill of Kindred Spirit Mathan, Close Cousin Aaron, Runnin’ Buddy Shawn, and Crazy Uncle Eric…
And I look over at the What’s Hot in the Pulse Meter thing that lets me know how much more important Survivor is than breathing for most of you…and what’s at the top of the dag-blasted list?…
New Will Smith Album Info March 29
And I’m thinking, “You have GOT to be f*cking kidding me”. Since there’s no f*cking way in the world that more people chose to read about Will f*ckin’ Smith’s new album than about the Game and Jay-Z’s beef or even Snoop getting his skull bashed in with a bottle…right? WRONG.
I need somebody to tell me what the fascination is…Was it like rubbernecking to check out a freeway accident? I mean that’s gotta be it right? Some sick disaster fetish, like Chyna in Playboy?
Nope, Mike. Time to face facts. They just don’t give a shit. And I don’t blame’em really. I mean if I was on the outside looking in, I wouldn’t think there was a damned thing that rap had to offer me. Especially if all I liked to do was watch Survivor and play with action figures. But I don’t know, it just hurts me to think that there aren’t any hardcore b-boys out there…
But there’s got to be SOMEBODY…right?
I think so. And I’ve devised a plot to find you wherever you are. And when I do, I’m gonna feel a hundred times better about writing this column, because I’ll know that you’re out there…
We’ll establish our own cyber-b-boy community founded on hatred for all things mainstream and boring. We’ll craft an elitist paradise filled with slept-on records and bitter faces.
We’ll pour salt and disdain on the Chuck Taylors, Calvin Broadus’s, and Curtis Jackson’s of the world. And the Dante Beze’s and Trevor Smith’s, too, if they keep forgetting where the hell they came from.
And we’ll do it all in the attic of a suburbian glass house called InsidePulse.com.
But, my children, you must step out of the shadows and announce yourselves. But there’s no need to fear, for I shall call you by name…
…by asking a whole bunch of shit that only you would know…
FREAKLOUD’S “HIP-HOP FOR BEGINNERS” DIAGNOSTIC QUILLS-NIZ…bitch…
This is how we’ll separate the wheat from the chaff…
I’m gonna ask you suckers ten basic, BASIC questions pertaining to the history and spirit of Hip-Hop culture. Anybody who gets eight or more is in the club. Everyone else is a sucker-ass, toy-ass, buster that needs to go home and listen to his sour-ass momma’s Kenny Rogers records…and help your little sister’s friends paint their toenails…pansies…
Anybody who gets all ten gets rant-space in this column. Yes, a soapbox on which to stand and pontificate to the other twelve of us who’ll be reading…a golden opportunity indeed…
Here goes…and if you cheat…your soul will rot in a pissy corner of hell…
1. Who is the inventor of the Sound System that was the foundation for the park parties from which the four arts were born?
b. Grandmaster Flash
c. Kool Herc
d. Melle Mel
e. Afrika Bambataa
2. What New York borough was Hip-Hop born in?
a. The Bronx
e. Long Island
3. What does the “B” in B-boy stand for?
4. Who is the un-credited writer to a verse on Rapper’s Delight?
a. Busy Bee
b. Kool Moe Dee
c. Melle Mel
d. Jimmy Spicer
e. Grandmaster Caz
5. Kool DJ Red Alert is an uncle to a member of what rap group?
a. The Jungle Brothers
b. Brand Nubian
c. Nice and Smooth
d. Naughty By Nature
e. H. Rap Sandwich
…ready to quit yet. I knew it…you toy. Real heads continue on…
6. What emcee used to be known as Crustified Dibbs?
a. Biz Markie
b. RA the Rugged Man
c. Ol Dirty Bastard
e. Craig Mack
7. Which rapper did Biggie NOT record a collabo with
a. Sadat X
c. Prince Po
d. RA the Rugged Man
e. Red Hot Lover Tone
8. Which group has Prince Paul NOT recorded with?
a. Leaders on the New School
c. De La Soul
9. Which Emcee is NOT related to another well-known Emcee?
d. Black Rob
e. Del the Funkee Homosapien
…and finally, cause I know you little ho’s are tired…
10. Which is NOT an accepted definition of a “crab”?
a. a derogatory term for a “crip”
b. a b-boy power move
c. a hater
d. a kind of DJ scratch
Now you know I mean business. So if you wanna read about Will Smith, go get People magazine. See what he and his kids did for Passover, and get a new recipe for Bundt Cake…toy.
I eagerly await responses from those true b-boys and girls who had the integrity not to Google all the answers.
As for the rest of you…I hope you die.
Now for something completely different…
WHY I THINK SHE MIGHT BE THE ONE
In this portion of my column, I’ll give you jerks a peek into my private affairs. I’ll give you one reason every week why the new lady in my life…just…might…be…the ONE.
This week’s episode…
Her: This is getting kinda crazy
Me: crazy how?
Her: I don’t know…it’s just too much…it’s starting to seem like insanity. But maybe this is really sanity, and what I thought was sanity was really crazy…
Me: I think you should meditate on that…
Her:…I have to go pee…
Folks, Charlie Kaufman couldn’t have written better dialogue…
I’ll see the true B-people next week…
Everyone else…get your trivia game up.