Monday Night Rabble

Now – onto RAW!

Last night, Batista showed up and scared JBL making gestures as to him joining Smackdown – tonight, we find out. Let’s find out the group opinions.

“He’s taking Trips – it would be a boost for Smackdown, but he’s a big draw for Raw” Eric
“I agree with Eric, if he goes to Smackdown I will officially **IT a brick” – Jenna
“I’m convinced that JBL had something to do with the running over” – Hernandez
“If he doesn’t stay.. Monday will be very sad.” – Dani
“Monday will lose it’s smile…” Hernandez

So that’s what the only people that matter think. Oh, umm.. I’m pretty sure he’s staying too – if only because Trips has no other opponent. Shut up Orton, go face Undertaker (…no please don’t)

So tonight, the contract signing. The debut of Chris Masters. Also Orton & Michaels vs. Edge & Christian. First though, coming down to the ring is Trish sporting a well made-up shiner. Last week Christie called Trish a slut and slapped up Christie.. but that doesn’t explain where the black eye came from.

So, Trish, Molly, and Victoria (who is back to her dancing roots)

TRISH vs. MOLLY vs. VICTORIA
Triple Threat Title Match

It starts off with Victoria taking out some Molly action with her moonsault, and a pin is interrupted by Trish. Victoria goes for a clothesline, and Trish goes Matrixy.. Victoria catches it, but Trish rolls her up for two. Victoria in the corner and Trish does some mocking ass-shaking and a nice firm kick to the gut. Stratus sits on the top turnbuckle and pulls her hair, but gets a tiltawhirl sideslam and a pin for two – stopped by Molly.

Now Molly has got the advantage and a backbridge suplex gets two. Trish comes in grabs Molly, but Molly lifts her up for an atomic drop – Trish catches the top rope, flips out and gets rolled up by Victoria for two. The two heels double suplex Victoria and then fight amongst themselves. Trish gets tossed out with enough time for Victoria to capitalize. Trish though comes out of nowhere, but gets a headbutt in return – which knocks Victoria silly.. Molly climbs the top and MISSES with the Molly-Go-Round, landing on that well cushioned ass of hers.

V-to-the-Ictizzy grabs Molly and without further adieu…. Widow’s Peak sold like a trooper by Molly – Trish though stops the count by pulling out Victoria, and climbs in to pin Molly, stealing the win… and no explanation about the black eye.

WINNER & STILL CHAMPION: TRISH STRATUS

In the back, Ric and Trips are talking about how great they are by helping Batista move to the top echelon. How he blew the roof off the place. How awesome he was at No Way Out. He’s GOIN TO SMACKDOWN! WHOOOOOOOOO… so where is he? They have no idea.

“He was out having a Night in Chyna” – Me on tact.
“For the rest of the night we’re going to be seeing Ric Flair running around the hallways with a donkey.” – Hernandez on Hollywood.

COMMERCIAL
(Two notes: The Pulp Fiction joke isn’t as good as the other three. Also, I love that they seemingly got the original actors from the movie (no.. not Jackson & Travolta))

In the back Christie and Boobage McCleavage are talking and Trish shows up as ‘Miss Godaddy.com’. Christie comments on Trish’s black eye – but Trish was outside.. taking care’o’*snap*’business. Christie makes some snide comments about Trish going down – and Trish slaps BOOBAGE! Christie spears Trish in response.

“AND OUCH! Bangs her head against the wall.. way to go Christie” Me on Divas

Also backstage, Orton & Michaels have a heart to heart. Shawn tells Orton he just needs to go and .. you know.. take it. We’ll just assume they are talking about a Wrestlemania match.

“When did Michaels become the motivational speaker for Raw?” – Me
“When DDP got fired” – Eric on YOU LIKING YOU!
“When Guerrero became the motivational speaker for Smackdown.” – Jenna on No Way Out.

COMMERCIAL

It is at this point that Laura shows up, commenting that she hasn’t been coming because she’s been addicted to ‘Without A Trace’ on TNT.. and tonight’s Law & Order was a repeat. Thanks Laura.

We jump back into the ring with Simon Dean (Who I forgot his name..) making fun of the Penn State folks. He makes a locally biased reference about the coach of Penn State (thanks JR) and gets booed alot. He is interrupted by – Y – 2 – J – yeaaah boooyyyyyyyyy

CHRIS JERICHO vs. SIMON DEAN

Starts off with a lock-up and a hammer lock from Jericho. He throws Dean against the ropes and gets kicked in the chest. Dean bounces the ropes and gets hurled to the outside followed by a top turnbuckle dropkick. Chris misses with a baseball slide, but catches Dean and hurls him onto the guardrail. They head back into the ring, and Dean finally gets ahead by Jericho making a mistake in the corner. Dean holds him in some submission manuever or another – but Jericho fights his way out of it and continues to hit him with his standard catches of moves until.. a miss on the lionsault.

“Hey, somebody in the audience was the other guy who bought the Fozzy CD!” Eric on sales.

Dean goes for the pin and gets two. Dean goes for a neckbreaker, but Chris grabs him into the Walls.. Dean goes to grab his weight bag – but Chris pulls him into the center and Dean taps.

WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO

“Hey, they gotta throw Jericho a bone every once in awhile” Hernandez on pissing me off.

Backstage, Bischoff and Teddy are talking about how great Batista is.

“Fo sheezzy?” Eric on Ebo.

The conversation is interrupted by Shawn Michaels who wants Teddy to deliver a message to Kurt Angle. Teddy giggles maniacally.

COMMERCIAL
Note: It seems our local affiliate has stopped allowing the Jamster commercials, bless them.. but you can try and stop them in your area by going to jamstersucks.com and signing a petition.

Our Wrestlemania Recall is Piper hitting Morton Downey with the fire extinguisher. Sadly, most current fans probably have NO flippin idea who Morton Downey is.

“Who?” Eric on proving my point.

I explain who he was to Eric as Kane comes down to the ring… I also get to throw in a Richard Bey reference. His opponent Tyson Tomko.

“A match that screams ‘bathroom break'” Hernandez

Tyson has a microphone and talks about how everybody is talking about Batista.. including him, ironically – and this is the match people want to see. Kane starts it by throwing Tyson to the corners, and gets clubbing blows in response. Tyson throws Kane into the ropes, but Kane reverses it and boots down Tyson hard.. in the face.

Kane throws Tomko in the corner and catches Kane with a big boot of his own and.. I’ll let JR say it.

“Tomko mounts Kane.” *shudder*

And Tomko puts Kane into a chinlock, Hernandez notes that Kane is wearing his wedding ring (nice touch) and Kane fights his way out of it – heaving Kane up to the top rope and booting his face back into the ring. Kane climbs up to the top and big ol clothesline and misses with the chokeslam. Tomko screws up hard.. we ignore as Kane now shoulderblocks Tyson in the corner. Kane misses with a huge shoulderblock – spins around and ducks Tomko’s big boot to finally end this mercifully with a chokeslam.

WINNER: KANE

In the back a limo arrives – Flair is there and opens the door for… CHRIS MASTERS. Masters says Flair could learn something from watching his match tonight. Flair stares around like a confused old man… ACTING!

COMMERCIAL

Tonight Shelton will be facing Snitsky .. we cheered.. then cried. Coming down to the ring now is Hassan with Akbar.

“Awww, he came out in his jammies.” – Jenna on ring attire.

Hassan pisses and moans, and for as much as some of the writers around here hated Eugene.. I despise this gimmick. He comments on President’s Day.

“What did he say?” Hernandez
“Oh he was–” Eric
“..I don’t care.” Hernandez

Hassan thinks he should face Trips for Wrestlemania, but here comes CHRIS BENOIT! Benoit wants a match to shut up Hassan.. Hassan will give him one, but not tonight. He’s not ready, but Benoit hits him anyway. Akbar leaps on Benoit’s back (IT’S A TRAP!) and Hassan clips him and puts him in his finisher. Nothing spectacular.

“Do I get jabber points?” Hernandez talking about his WWE Draft points and Akbar on the mic.

COMMERCIAL

Coming back, Orton is heading down to the ring – nothing of note. Shawn comes down – God gives him the thumbs up. Christian comes down… and once again, I love his music. Finally, Edge comes down.. oh, I love his music too… go 90’s metal!

ORTON & MICHAELS vs. CHRISTIAN & EDGE

Christian and Orton start off fighting in the corner. Orton drops Christian with a punch and it starts over again – fighting against the ropes and back into the corner. Christian takes advantage, but Orton throws Christian into the corner, hip toss and headlock on the mat. They fight up to their feet and Edge pulls Orton over the corner, taps Christian and heads on in to start beating on Orton.

He throws Orton into the corner, misses a spear and gets rolled up for two. Orton pulls Edge to the corner and tags in Michaels who starts with the chops and a pin for two. Edge makes a tag and Christian comes in misses a clothesline and gets chopped and dropped by Shawn. Shawn bashes his head into the turnbuckle and Christian does the ‘my head keeps hitting the turnbuckle’ spot which is an oldie but a goodie.

“Are we gonna see a con-chair-to” Eric on making me giddy.

Christian fights his way to the corner and Michaels now is fighting his way out of the corner. He swings Edge into the corner, it’s reversed and Michaels hits with the Thesz Press. Michaels tosses Edge into the ropes, gets a kick in the chest and another tag to Christian. A quick roll-up from Michaels gets two – a sideheadlock from Michaels.. Christian fights up out of it, but Michaels throws his weight over and hiptosses him back into it. (This happens at least twice.)

Finally, Christian pulls out of it and goes for a dropkick and misses. Michaels holds onto Christian’s legs – but Captain Charisma kicks forward, Edge drops the ropes and Shawn falls out. A huge leap from Edge to Shawn on the outside – Orton’s trying to fight his way into the ring on the inside and weeeeeeeeeeee…

COMMERCIAL

Back in and Michaels is fighting Edge – not having been able to make the tag. Edge hurls Michaels hard into the corner. Edge grabs Shawn and pulls him to Christian to make yet another tag. Christian slaps Shawn around, but Michaels is pissed and hurls Christian into the corner. Shawn charges him but Christian hits him with a HUGE back elbow, knocking the spit out of Shawn’s mouth. Christian climbs to the top and leaps to Michaels, but Shawn catches him in the gut and now we are watching the crawl for the hot tag. They both make it!

Edge comes in and a great back and forth between them crisscrossing the ropes, and finally Randy powerslams Edge, stands him up and clubs him in the chest. He charges the corner hitting Christian – leaps to the top and a HUGE flying crossbody gets two. Orton hits the ropes, and gets hit by Christian. Edge picks Orton up, and Christian leaps in for a quick doubleteam attack (backbreaker/neckbreaker.. pretty sweet)

A two count and a tag to Christian. Christian keeps Orton down, and now it’s Orton that’s fighting – which is nice to show that Christian & Edge are just a better tag team. A tag and a double flapjack is reversed into a double DDT from Orton – and all three of them are knocked out of the ring. Finally the big tag to Michaels who starts punching both E & C, dropping Edge out of the ring and he hits Christian with an Angle Slam. Edge comes in to try and help, but Orton saves it and now all hell breaks loose followed by an Orton to the ref bump.

Edge hits Orton with the spear and Michaels throws Edge out and beats on Christian to set him up for the Jesus kick……. J E S — NO! Edge pulls his ass out and Christian and he play wishbone around the turnbuckle poll. Edge and Christian run outside to go grab it.

“He called it!” Hernandez on Eric

A CONCHAIRTO! Which is, sadly, in fact missed. Orton charges in to take out Edge. Christian goese after Michaels with the chair, but Shawn ducks it and hits the Jesus Kick for the pin.

WINNERS: ORTON & MICHAELS

In the back, Teddy and Bischoff are hanging – Coach lets them know that Batista is almost here. Coming up next though, Chris Masters.

COMMERCIAL

Backstage Nippy O’Heaving is about to interview Shawn when Edge just blows through and charges the hell outta Shawn. Just when we think it’s over… Edge spears the hell out of him. Close enough for it to be a weird make-out session and we head to the ring for..

STEVIE MOTHATRUCKIN RICHARDS! Sadly, we are going to watch him lose to…. the overbloated egotisticacl, excellent package for Chris Masters. He stands at the top stage for awhile.

“I do like his opening package here” Me
“JAMIE.. WRITE – THAT – DOWN” Eric
“Snagged..” Hernandez

Okay, so they caught me with subtle homosexual innuendo. The bell rings and Masters just throws around Richards. He hurls him coroner to corner, and a huge shoulder block folds up Stevie. Finally Stevie fights into the center of the ring, but gets hit with a polish hammer! Masters puts him into a full nelson, throws him around and the bell rings. Stevie’s bleeding from the nose.. probably from that mean-ass polish hammer.

WINNER: *duh* CHRIS MASTERS

Opinions from the group:
“Disdain – Vince likes big guys, and he had to face STEVIE!” – Eric
“He’s starting off like Tomko with hurting people, but if he can get it together.. the whole package” – Jenna
“I like him, I just can’t believe he’s 22” – Hernandez
“..whatever..when’s Inu-Yasha on?..” – Dani
“Carbon 14 dating, CO2 is in the air, it is —–” – Laura isn’t taking me seriously.
“As long as he doesn’t have a bionic forearm, I’m fine with him.” – Me

COMMERCIAL

Coming back to the ring is Snitsky. Last week he beat the hell out of Shelton. This week, he gets an IC match.

SNITSKY vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
Intercontinental Title

Benjamin comes in and just starts beating on Snitsky, big fists to the face, headbutts and then finally hurls both of them over the top rope. Shelton hurls him down and then drags him back in the ring. Shelton goes against the ropes and gets a boot in response – Snitsky picks him up with an armbar DDT. A sidewalk slam and catches a two count. He then puts him in a headlock and Benjamin gets out of it to start going after Gene again.

Gene bails out of the ring to get a chair, he’s holding it outside and gets a baseball slide to hit Snitsky in the face with his own chair. Finally Benjamin runs out grabs the chair and clocks Snitsky with it again.

“BLACK RAGE!” Hernandez

The bell has rung. The match ends with Shelton wielding the chair like a long forgotton warrior on the plains of the dead. Standing over his victim – he stares out into the cro.. oh, whatever, it ends.

wINNER via DQ: GENE SNITSKY

COMMERCIAL
(Basic Instinct Parody: Christian makes this entire commercial with his facial expressions)

Back, and Trips and Flair are trying to find Batista. They are grumpy.

“Flair’s mad because he lost his donkey.” Hernandez.

Flair talks about how Trips gave Batista an opportunity … he gave him chances … he gave him–

“Two coal eyes!” Hernandez
“A button nose and a magic hat!” Me

Anyway, Trips admits to having set up the video packages from Smackdown, setting up the horns on the limo. He admits it all, and Flair goes crazy again saying how great Trips is. Christ, I love Flair. We pan back, and who is listening to the whole thing? Oh, that would be Dave.

“He is looking like a suave mother f’er” Dani on why she loves me.
(She was talking about Batista… dammit.)

COMMERCIAL

It is now time for our, as Hernandez put it.. Main Event Signing. First off though, next week Benoit faces Hassan, and Edge faces Michaels in a Street Fight.

Coming down to the ring though is Bischoff with a Raw clipboard. Followed by Mistah Teddy Long with a Smackdown clipboard. Bischoff explains that Dave will be coming down to sign one of two challenges.

“It’s kinda like the Pepsi Challenge” – Me

If he signs the Raw contract, he faces Trips for the title at Wrestlemania. If he signs the Smackdown contract, he faces JBL & Cena in a Triple Threat match. Here comes Dave with Evolution. I do have to say, that Batista looks badass.

“I’d do him.” Dani on furthering our relationship. “He’s my new wrestling boyfriend.” Crap.

Dave stands there, stares around a bit. Bischoff wants to say a few things first – like how great Raw is. Raw made him a superstar. He gets to face Triple H – a man who people have wanted to face for years.. (I don’t know what that means.)

Now Teddy comes over to talk about HIS contract. Where Batista can take down JBL -AND- Cena – he can start rivalries with whomever he wants.. Guerrero, ReyRey, Angle. He could even face Undertaker! *yawn*

Dave takes the contracts and Trips even tells him how easy this decision is. What’s best, really for Dave… whatever is best for Dave is best for Evolution. Trips even references how great it would have been if Ric was the NWA champ and Arn was the WWE champion. If Shawn was the WWE Champ and Trips was the WCW champ. They would have ruled the world.

“And X-Pac would still be alone in the ring..” Jenna

Dave finally takes the clipboard and says he’s known what he’s going to do for a long time. He tosses the Raw contract to the mat. He nods to Hunter and grins.. gives him the thumbs up…

..

..

then the thumbs down. He clubs Trips. He clubs Ric. He signs the Raw contract and he powerbombs Trips through a table. THE END. So, what we all wanted to happen.. happened. Good work guys on a beautifully executed lead up to a Wrestlemania main event.

Final Opinions:
“I don’t have to sh** a brick.. good show” Jenna
“Despite the fact that we’ve been waiting for months – better than I expected.” – Eric
“I’m happy to see Triple H go through a table again. Way to take one for the team” – Hernandez
“Dave’s hot.” – Dani… this could be a problem.
“IT ROCKED! OH MY GOD! Oh, and Trish needed to be told again.. only one black eye” – Roommate Jeremy runs in to yell in my ear.
“Shelton Benjamin and Dave are my boytoys.” – Laura

So that’s that. The MNR is back. Dave’s going to Wrestlemania. Peace has broken out all over the world, and Ebeneezer’s found out the true meaning of Christmas. Fun show all around in my opinion, we’ll see yah next week.