Alternate Reality by Vin Tastic

Columns

Welcome to the premier installment of my new Pulse column, “Alternate Reality”. I’m your host, Vin Tastic, and my aim is to look at our beloved sport through rose-colored glasses, on Champaign wishes and caviar dreams. Rather than fantasy booking, I mean to speculate in somewhat broader terms, like “Wouldn’t it be great if…” or “Why don’t they do more of this/less of that?”

I’m rapidly approaching the 13-year point in my active duty career in the United States Air Force, so I thought I’d focus my debut column on something with which I am quite familiar: authority.

TODAY’S ISSUE: Wouldn’t it be peachy* if authority figures actually enforced rules and ensured fair play?

Authority figures in pro wrestling from President/Commissioner/General Manager to referees and time-keepers are often forced to play the fool in order to allow character development and/or storyline advancement. Eddie Guerrero couldn’t “lie, cheat, and steal” if the refs paid more attention to his antics and less to distractions, and this was an extremely important element in his WWE Title reign. Classic tag-team formula requires the wounded babyface to make tags that the “incompetent” ref fails to see. Then the heels swap in and out without tagging, and use illegal tactics to keep the face-in-peril (thank you, Mr. Keith) in their side of the ring for a little Mortonizing.

Authority figures only make a big deal about “no-interference” stipulations for a few special matches. They ban stables from ringside once in a blue moon. They “reward” wrestlers who attack their victims in the arena, the locker room, or anywhere else in the city, by granting them high profile matches. This sometimes even sky-rockets the assailant to the coveted “number 1 contender” position.

I’m sure many fans (even we who think of ourselves as “smart” marks) go into a wrestling- watching experience the same way you might approach a blockbuster action movie: “I know in my mind that none of this is ‘real’, however, I’d like to suspend my disbelief in the name of enjoying the show.” That’s what I do with pro wrestling. I know it’s scripted and all, but I appreciate the in-ring action and the drama, and I enjoy cheering for my favorites. Even if I know Big Dave is winning the Rumble going in (sometimes I curse my own Smarkhood), I still try to live in the moment and be entertained. Because really, that’s why I watch in the first place – entertainment.

Sadly, it’s easy to ‘loose your illusion’ and stop being entertained when something SO blatantly ridiculous happens that it breaks the mirror. I hate when a planned ref bump happens too softly by mistake, and the poor ref has to lie in there face-down for an eternity acting like he’s dying so the cheating can commence. Good pros will ad-lib a second bump, but it’s still a contrived distraction at best. I can believe a third man in the ring with two behemoths could get accidentally caught up in the action, but not twice in two minutes! I recognize the ref bump as a traditional and sometimes necessary tool, but after decades of producing wrestling shows, you’d think the bookers could come up with something, ANYTHING else to advance the storyline.

And by the way, who’s the legal referee after a bump, when ref #2 comes running in to resume officiating duties? Did the GM send ref #2 to the ring, or do they have standing orders to wait and watch? Who among us doesn’t groan when ref #1 revives as the match is in progress, and controversy abounds over which ref’s call stands?
Have you ever wondered why the GM doesn’t simply assign two referees to a tag-team match? If promotions were truly concerned (I mean within the storylines) about the competitive nature of the matches, they would do whatever was necessary to ensure the events they hype come off without a hitch. Why are the “no-interference” mandates only enforced on rare occasions? This should be the rule of thumb, not the exception. You’d think a GM would watch the action, rather than talking on cellular phones, hitting on floozies, or working deals for the next PPV in the back. They ought to pay attention to the activities in the arena, including all those bad calls the referees make. I’d like to see just a little more reality in the athletic contests, and more consequences for the winners and losers. That would be so much more rewarding than all the “no-contests” and “double-DQs” we fans endure in a single week of televised wrestling shows.

Imagine a boxer who worked his way to the top of his weight class and earned a world title match after years of training, sacrifice, hard work and winning many fights. Then imagine that during his championship opportunity which might be his one-and-only shot at the belt, another fighter who he doesn’t get along with enters the ring, beats the bejeezus out of him, and costs him the match. Next, the attacker slinks away, stopping to flash an evil grin to the camera. Top it off with this: the boxing federation then grants the unwelcome attacker a shot at the contender whose career he just damaged at the next high-profile event! If it happened to you, you’d want a lot more than a fight with the guy, wouldn’t you?

I’m not suggesting they change the landscape of pro wrestling. However, fewer ref bumps, less goofy decisions from authority figures, and more consistency would make the rare “chaotic” situations that did occur seem more important and unusual. In other words, if most matches went off like normal athletic contests without a hitch, then think about how big of a heel HHH would be if he were to cost someone like Chris Benoit or Randy Orton a shot at his title by interfering in a match. But if Kenzo Suzuki causes a disqualification every other Saturday night on Velocity, it doesn’t mean as much to fans when it happens yet again.

I’d love to see more competitive matches, with winners and losers. If the shenanigans were cut down by 75%, you’d get decisive outcomes in most matches. Of course that would require the writing teams to actually WRITE shows that have some focus, and we can’t expect that, can we? All this 50/50 booking garbaggio wouldn’t stand a chance in that environment. Speaking of which, what’s the big deal about losing the occasional wrestling match? Think of a wrestler’s year like a baseball season. Even the Bronx Bombers lose ball games, but that doesn’t make them a bad team. You can’t be “on” every time you step into the ring. What’s the use of protecting everybody? When you do that, nobody (except HHH, of course) looks strong. Hell, Ric Flair drops matches all the time, and he’s still perhaps the most recognized icon in pro wrestling history. But this is starting to feel like a new column brewing, one I’ll save for another week…

Authority figures should enforce the rules more consistently, and not be afraid to take charge. Show me a match with some meaning and a clean finish most of the time, and I’ll accept the occasional schmozz, double-DQ, or ref bump when it’s necessary. I promise.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

* Why is the peach the recognized fruit of goodness, anyway? I’d rather be grapey or appley!

p.s. – How come you never hear anyone say they’re “gruntled”, “combobulated” or “over the weather”?

Master Sergeant, United States Air Force