Pancakes In the Age of Enlightenment- I’m More Of a Pirate Than You’ll Ever Be
To lead off, if you haven’t read David Goldberg’s column on the life and career of the late Hunter S. Thompson (“The Good Doctor Is Out”), go read it now, its great. We’ll see you back in a little bit. Or you can go make yourself a sammich..whatever makes you happy, pumpkin..
SUSPICIOUS AND INSPIRATIONAL COINCIDENCES-
Randy Myers, you may recall, was a relief pitcher in the late 80s and early 90s who had very very big muscles. He was a pitcher who was built more like a tight end, and was known to read bodybuilding magazines in the bullpen. He also must have been one hell of a batting coach, because his tips on how improve one’s home run stroke never failed to produce incredible results. If you don’t believe me, believe these MLB Superstars!
Sammy Sosa- When I play for White Sox, my Jheri Curl hairdo weigh more than I did. But then I hit career high 33 HR in 1993 with Cubs, the first season with my new teammate Randy Myers, my previous high was 15. I am gladiator.
Gary Sheffield- I used to be a puny little girly man shortstop in Milwaukee. Randy Myers turned my life around when I arrived with the Padres 1992. Under Myers’ tutelage, I hit 33 HR with San Diego in 1992 after hitting less than that in the previous 4 seasons combined. Thanks Randy. Now get outta my face before I kill you.
B.J. Surhoff- I was just an anorexic catcher before Randy Myers arrived in Baltimore in 1996. Randy took me under his meaty wing, and I hit a career high 21 HR for the Orioles in 1996, after hitting 34 in the 5 seasons prior to that combined.
Roberto Alomar- I hit 22 HR in his first season in Baltimore, 1996, more than my last 2 seasons combined, in my first season as a teammate of Randy Myers. I also spit in an umpire’s face. Now I am waiting to be traded to the White Sox again. Thanks Randy!
Brady Anderson- I went from 15 HR in 1995 to 50 in 1996. My new teammate in Baltimore in 1996? Randy Myers. I even got to bang Ashley Judd for a while, before she dumped me after my testicles retreated into my abdomen, the bitch.
Somebody sign this guy up as a hitting coach!
Of course, sometimes all it takes to become a superstar is to find a good workout partner. Ken Caminiti and Steve Finley were 98 lb. weaklings when they played together in Houston. Finley had a career high of 11 home runs, and Caminiti topped out in the high teens, kind of low for a third baseman.
When the two were traded together to San Diego before the 1995 season, they decided they were mad as hell and weren’t going to take it anymore. They used the extra time made available to them by the owners lockout to rededicate themselves to the game, spending 8 hours a day in a batting cage and punching sides of beef in a local meat locker.
When the lockout ended, they still weren’t hitting home runs. So in the next offseason they tried a different workout routine. This one worked a lot better, with Caminiti hitting 40 in 1996, and Finley hitting 30 in 96 after never hitting more than 11 before that. Sadly, in a Gale Sayers/Brian Piccolo-esque tragic turn of events, one of them is dead now. Why do bad things happen to good people?
2004 NFL COMPOST MORTEM- AFC NORTH
PITTSBURGH STEELERS 15-1 1ST AFC NORTH, 16th NFL Total Offense, 1st NFL Total Defense
The Steelers were a joy to watch in 2004. In a year when aerial circuses ruled the league, the Steelers were an old-fashioned, bash you over the head breath of fresh air. After spending much of 2002 and 2003 being something they are not, a fancy pants passing team, the Steelers got back to being the Steelers in 2004 and the results could not have been better. Well, they could have been a little better if they would have beaten the Patriots in the AFC Title Game, but you get the idea.
While the media latched onto rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger, who can now be seen wearing some kind of Insecticon battle mask in that peyote trip of a Nike commercial that haunts my nightmares, as the big story coming out of Pittsburgh, the real reason for the Steelers’ 15-1 record was their unstoppable running game. The Steelers outrushed their opponents by a total of 1165 yards this year. That is 72 yards a game, which can and did win you a lot of ball games. Duce Staley was great and Jerome Bettis was even better as workhorse running backs, and their ability to run the ball effectively allowed the defense to stay off the field and finish 1st in overall defense in the NFL, and allowed a rookie quarterback to lean heavily on the running game to find success.
The Steelers are the one team with a realistic chance of unseating the Patriots in the AFC and reaching Super Bowl XL. Roethlisberger was a good caretaker QB in 2004, but towards the end of the year he was a liability. He is, I think, for real though, and if he improves with experience in 2005, the Steelers won’t suffer the plague of turnovers that allowed the Pats to beat them in this year’s AFC Championship Game. They will probably lose WR Plaxico Burress to free agency, but it is also looking as if Bettis will be back for another season, and if he and Staley can stay healthy the Steelers will again be among the elite in 2005.
BALTIMORE RAVENS 9-7 2ND AFC NORTH, 31ST NFL Total Offense, 6th NFL Total Defense
This franchise has sacrificed 2 seasons in the hopes that Kyle Boller can develop into a decent quarterback. The results they have gotten indicate they would have been better off putting a jersey on a shopping cart and having Jamal Lewis grab the ball out of it and run with it.
Whether Boller will get a 3rd chance is up for debate. I for one wouldn’t be surprised to see Brad Johnson return to the Beltway and be reunited with his old offensive coordinator, that smug bastard Brian Billick. Just kidding, I love Brian Billick, and Brian Billick loves Brian Billick too, a lot.
It’s a given that the Ravens will at least compete for a playoff spot in 05 due to their perennially strong defense. Success or failure will depend entirely on what the Magpies choose to do with their offense this offseason. Randy Moss seemed to be headed to Baltimore a few weeks ago, but with the impending sale of the Vikings and a new owner who just can’t get enough of Randy’s dour little puss, it looks like Moss will be staying put. That leaves slim pickins through the likes of Plaxico Burress, Derrick Mason, and Lavernaeus Coles as the Ravens options to upgrade that position, and that’s not so good Al. To me it seems they would be better served bringing in a decent QB to make the receivers they already have better. Whether that will happen remains to be seen.
CINCINNATI BENGALS 8-8 3RD AFC NORTH, 18TH NFL Total Offense, 19th NFL Total Defense
The Bengals took a gamble in 2004 by benching QB Jon Kitna, who was popular with his teammates and an unquestioned leader, and taking a firm stance that the team was being handed over to second year QB Carson Palmer. Unfortunately, he played more like Carson Kressley early in the season, and the Bengals sputtered out of the gate before finishing strong but missing the playoffs with an 8-8 record.
Heading into 2005, the franchise finds itself standing at a crossroads. Do they graduate to become a legitimate NFL franchise who can make the playoffs every now and then, or do they go back to being the same old Bengals?
This offseason will go a long way toward determining which route the Bengals will go. The team is already playing the kind of contract games with WR Chad Johnson and RB Rudi Johnson that made the franchise what it is today, a team struggling to shed a league laughingstock label. In the case of Rudi you’re already hearing words strung together that you don’t really want to hear, words like “sitting out the season”. I say it just about every week in this column, in today’s NFL its not who you have on the field, its who you have in the front office that determines whether you can compete year in and year out. The Bengals are showing signs of relapsing into their old ways, and unless they snap out of it and run themselves with some class they are going to have big problems.
CLEVELAND BROWNS 4-12 4TH AFC NORTH, 28th NFL Total Offense, 15th NFL Total Defense
6 years after re-entering the NFL, the Browns are probably worse off now than they were in 1999. The Browns most exciting player, rookie TE Kellen Winslow, suffered a season ending injury in the preseason, Head Coach Butch Davis had a breakdown, and next thing the Browns knew Terry Robiskie was coaching them, which as we all know is the #1 indicator that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong with your season.
Patriots Defensive Coordinator Romeo Crennell will take over as coach next season, and he has his work cut out for him. The Browns need improvement in just about every area. Lee Suggs showed he may have some potential as a running back, which is a good thing because you never know when William Green is going to get arrested for driving stoned and naked. Kelly Holcomb will probably enter next season as the starting QB, but expect him to have some serious competition, most likely in the form of current Bucs backup Chris Simms.
NBA HOT LIST- TRADE DEADLINE EDITION!
As I pound out this claptrap on my dirty little keyboard, the NBA trade deadline is less than 24 hours away. Who might be on the move? All these guys:
Donyell Marshall F Raptors- The Heat and Pacers are both hot and heavy for the three point gunning big man. The Pacers are dangling Austin Croshere and James Jones, just a jingling and a jangling them I tell you.
Shareef Abdur Rahim F Blazers- Could be on his way to Milwaukee for Michael Redd and Keith Van Horn, a deal that will ensure the mediocrity of both franchises for years to come.
Ray Allen G Sonics- He is a free agent after this season, but the Sonics need him if they are going to make a run at the Western Conference title.
Vladimir Radmanovic F Sonics- Another free agent after this year, might become a Clipper. Apparently the Sonics still want to make the lottery.
Lamar Odom F Lakers- I think he scored more points than Kobe one night, and that will not stand.
Antoine Walker F Hawks- Success has followed him wherever he has went in his NBA career. Oh wait I mean failure. I get those confused sometimes. The Bockers want him, because they don’t have enough selfish players who don’t play any defense.
Peja Stojakovic F Kings- Could be headed to LA for Odom.
Chris Webber F Kings- Isaiah Thomas wants him as a Knick, apparently wants team to be placed on probation so they have an excuse for missing the postseason every year.
Baron Davis G Hornets- Needs to get out of New Orleans before his cholesterol surpasses the 300 mark.
Jamal Mashburn F Hornets- Rumored to be headed to Philly for Glenn Robinson. Geez why don’t they just trade Pete Maravich for Wilt Chamberlain? They are more likely to make meaningful contributions in the future then those two are.
HOT STOVE HOEDOWN- NL CENTRAL
Last year it was the Cubs, not the Red Sox, who were supposed to be the ones to scratch their 100 year itch and finally win a World Series. The Cubs got caught up in fighting with their color commentator, and forgot to make the playoffs though, as the Cardinals and Astros represented baseball’s most competitive division in the playoffs. How have these 3 positioned themselves for 2005? Let’s find out.
ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
Key Additions
LHP Mark Mulder
SS David Eckstein
2B Mark Grudzielanek
LHP Mike Myers
C Einar Diaz
Key Subtractions
LHP Steve Kline
RHP Kiko Calero
SS Edgar Renteria
IF Tony Womack
RHP Danny Haren
RHP Woody Williams
C Mike Matheny
Projected Rotation
LHP Mark Mulder
RHP Matt Morris
RHP Jeff Suppan
RHP Cris Carpenter
RHP Jason Marquis
Last season was lightning in a bottle for the Cardinals. The question is can they at least approach the level of success they had last year?
The Cardinals without a doubt have a lineup that is strong from top to bottom, and one that is the best in the NL Central and maybe in all of baseball. Losing SS Edgar Renteria and C Mike Matheny hurts, but the acquisition of David Eckstein should fill Renteria’s hole, and Yadier Molina could be a good one behind the plate. Regardless, the Cardinals probably will not have trouble scoring runs this year.
The X factor that will determine whether or not this team can repeat as NL Central champs is their starting pitching. The Cardinals boast a rotation of 5 guys that won 15 or more games last year. Stop and think about the fact that Kerry Wood has not won more than 14 in any season during his career, and that tells you something about what the Cards potentially have over their competition. The problem is that while the their top two pitchers, Mark Mulder, and Matt Morris, can be counted on to have a season like that pretty much every year, Jeff Suppan, Cris Carpenter, and Jason Marquis cannot. I don’t think anyone is expecting them all to win 15 again this year, but at least one or two of them will have to have a strong encore year if the Cards are going to repeat.
HOUSTON ASTROS
Key Additions
LHP John Franco
Key Subtractions
OF Carlos Beltran
RHP Wade Miller
Projected Rotation
RHP Roger Clemens
RHP Roy Oswalt
LHP Andy Pettite
RHP Brandon Backe
LHP Carlos Hernandez
Roger Clemens is already talking about being traded back to the Yankees in July, so that should tell you everything you need to know about the Astros’ prognosis for 2005.
After making a big splash with the acquisitions of Clemens and Andy Pettite last off season, this team was dead in the water by the All Star Break. But an unlikely turnaround coupled with the collapse of the Chicago Cubs propelled it to a wild card berth. The turnaround can be attributed to many things, but chief among them was the acquisition of CF Carlos Beltran. Beltran is now a Met, and the Astros appear primed to be a team that will make a giant leap backward this season. The Astros stood pat last offseason, and with the departure of Beltran are left with the same old aging nucleus of Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio, which means the Astros most likely will pick up where they left off in mid July last year and begin sucking again.
Manager Phil Garner did a great job in getting this team to the playoffs last year, but his intense style wears thin real fast, and that intensity that was a positive last year could turn out to be a big negative this year. Look for the Astros to have a bad 2005.
CHICAGO CUBS
Key Acquisitions
OF Jeromy Burnitz
IF/OF Jerry Hairston Jr.
C Henry Blanco
Key Subtractions
OF Sammy Sosa
OF Moises Alou
RHP Matt Clement
2B Mark Grudzielanek
IF Ramon Martinez
LHP Kent Mercker
RHP Kyle Farnsworth
C Paul Bako
Projected Rotation
RHP Mark Prior
RHP Kerry Wood
RHP Greg Maddux
RHP Carlos Zambrano
LHP Glendon Rusch
The Cubs are a completely different team than the one that won the NL Central in 2003. If you don’t believe me then consider that their Opening Day lineup (not counting the pitcher) will contain exactly ONE player, 3B Aramis Ramirez, that was on their postseason roster to see the weeping and gnashing of the teeth that occurred in October of that year.
So why all the changes? Well, the Cubs have taken on an aura of ickiness that GM Jim Hendry is trying his damndest to flush out. Since the arrival of manager Dusty Baker, their image in Chicago has gone from that of loveable losers to curmudgeonly chokers. Last season’s September to Dismember brought out the worst in everyone, and led to an ugly feud between the players and the Chicago media, most notably broadcasters Steve Stone and Chip Caray. Couple this with the distraction of Sammy Sosa’s sulking over his sinking spot in the lineup, and the Cubs were a certified basket case by the end of the year.
This season should be a little more harmonious. Anyone who was seen as a clubhouse or broadcast booth distraction (Sosa, Moises Alou, Kent Mercker, Stone, Caray) was shipped out. The danger is that in making all these sweeping changes, the Cubs may have thrown out the baby with the bathwater. Their lineup, while decent, is blown away by that of the Cardinals. This means all the eggs are in the fragile baskets of oft-injured starting pitchers Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, along with aging Greg Maddux, tempremental Carlos Zambrano, and unproven Glendon Rusch. The Cubs will need to get a lot of innings from these starters because the bullpen situation is not good. The Cubs head into the season with Ryan Dempster as their closer, I’ll just leave it at that. It’s going to be a very interesting season in Wrigleyville.
CINCINNATI REDS
Key Additions
RHP Ramon Ortiz
LHP Eric Milton
RHP David Weathers
RHP Ben Weber
LHP Kent Mercker
3B Joe Randa
Key Subtractions
IF Juan Castro
LHP Gabe White
RHP John Riedling
Projected Rotation
RHP Paul Wilson
LHP Eric Milton
RHP Ramon Ortiz
RHP Aaron Harang
RHP Luke Hudson
Want a team poised to surprise some people in 05? Try the Reds on for size. The Reds closed strong last year, jumping up and biting the Cubs to knock them out of the playoffs in a late season series at Wrigley. Since then they have done a lot to improve their team, and with the three teams ahead of them in the Central looking weakened, it wouldn’t be surprising to see the Reds sneak up and take the division this year.
Think I am nuts? Well, you are right, BUT, the Reds long have had a terrible rotation, this year it looks like their top 3 of Paul Wilson and new acquisitions Eric Milton and Ramon Ortiz can stack up favorably with anybody else’s in the division. Danny Graves gives them a quality closer, and a lineup that boasts Adam Dunn, Austin Kearns, Ken Griffey Jr., Wily Mo Pena, and Sean Casey is perhaps the only one in the division that can hang with the Cardinals lineup.
I see a lot to like with the Reds this year, in fact, I am going to go out on a limb and pick them to win the NL Central this year. There I said it.
PITTSBURGH PIRATES
Key Additions
LHP Mark Redman
OF Matt Lawton
C Benito Santiago
Key Subtractions
C Jason Kendall
Projected Rotation
LHP Oliver Perez
LHP Mark Redman
RHP Kip Wells
RHP Josh Fogg
RHP Ryan Vogelsong
The Pirates have the base for a good, strong, mediocre season. Of course, that has been the Pirates M.O. for a while now, field a decent team for half a season, trade for prospects at midseason, lather rinse repeat. It doesn’t look like this year will be any different.
The Pirates just are what they are. They fall into the “OK we built our new ballpark, now what?” category with the Reds, Brewers, Tigers, and Padres. They’re a fun team to watch, with a lot of scrappy players, but there is just a ceiling to every one of them. For the franchise to go anywhere, a couple of their guys are going to have to progress from “pretty good” to “superstar”, and then they are going to have to pay those guys to stick around. Do you think that is ever going to happen? No, of course it’s not.
MILWAUKEE BREWERS
Key Additions
LF Carlos Lee
C Damian Miller
RHP Ricky Bottalico
RHP Jose Capellan
Key Subtractions
RHP Dan Kolb
OF Scott Podsednik
RHP Luis Vizcaino
IF Keith Ginter
IF Craig Counsell
C Gary Bennett
Projected Rotation
RHP Ben Sheets
LHP Doug Davis
RHP Victor Santos
LHP Chris Capuano
RHP Wes Obermueller
The Brewers are rebuilding. Water is wet. Doo Doo stinks. Hell is hot.
Well that’s that for now. For me it’s time to continue mentally preparing to get my blood drawn tomorrow. This is particularly difficult for me due to my crippling fear of needles, which makes it all that much harder to figure out my out of control heroin addiction. No just kidding. I’m not afraid of needles. Ahahaha. Yes I AM afraid of needles. But I am on steroids. See you next week.
