What a Tease!

Archive

Hi all. Welcome to week two of What a Tease! The staff likes this (Especially Coogan, in a very odd way) and no one said it was a silly idea, so guess what I get to give YOU every week. If you guessed news, you’ll be more disappointed than after reading a McCullar column. Anywho, some of you may know me from a little column I do called The Gatekeepers Guide. Most of you know me as Norty news guy. I’m the guy that Brendan Campbell considers “An honorary Canadian” and Jon Bieda admires so much he crawled back from the darkness. And….what else…..there was something else…..oh yes, I am YOUR MVW/FAVORITE CRITIC/FAVORITE COLUMNIST! **Ahem** But more on that in the Guide……for now, we talk about Trailers!

I need to figure out a way to make that actually sound exciting……

New Trailers Online this Week

Basically, since I didn’t introduce the sections last week like a yutz (sorry), what we have here are the newest trailers to debut online during the week. You’ll get a direct link to it, the ‘Plot According to Yahoo’, the length of the trailer and the *estimated* release date. You’ll ALSO get the following: The Spoilerish ranking – what this basically gauges is how much of the movie the trailer gives away, on a 1-10 scale; My Analysis of the trailer, sometimes being pretty straight and narrow, sometimes being witty and sarcastic, sometimes both; finally, you’ll get an Overall Rating, which is ‘calculated’ based on the length of the trailer, it’s ‘spoilerish-ness’ and, well, how I feel about it. It IS my column, after all, but I promise the ratings will be fair and make sense.

First off:

A Scanner Darkly.

The plot according to Yahoo : Set in a future world where America has lost the war on drugs, an undercover cop, Fred, is one of many agents hooked on the popular drug Substance D, which causes its users to develop split personalities. Fred, for instance, is also Bob, a notorious drug dealer. Along with his superior officers, Fred sets up an elaborate scheme to catch Bob and tear down his operation.

Length: 1:16
Release: September 16, 2005 (limited).
Spoilerish : 4
Analysis: Honestly, this looks absolutely amazing. I’ve never seen animation quite like it, and the trailer does a very nice job of telling the viewer something, and yet leaving him scratching his head, asking “What the hell did I just see?” Interestingly enough, the trailer says nothing about the drug in the Yahoo plot summary, and the summary says nothing about the ‘scanner’. A hell of a nice job, really raising my interest for more news down the road (Even if it is a Keanu film).
Overall Rating: 8.0 (out of 10)

Be Cool

The plot according to Yahoo: The continuing adventures of Chili Palmer, strong-arm debt collector turned Hollywood movie producer. By the time the story begins, Chili has abandoned the fickle movie industry. And so his adventures, this time around, concern the music industry where he becomes the promoter of a struggling singer who is being pursued by the Russian mafia.

Length: 2:28
Release: March 4th, 2005 (nationwide).
Spoilerish: 7.5
Analysis: Well, this movie certainly has a ton of star power, doesn’t it? That’s the main focus of this trailer, as it takes a nice, LONG look at the main players of the film. I was tempted to rate it higher on the spoiler scale, but, while I think it shows a lot of the jokes, this film looks solid enough to lead me to believe it has a lot of plot and character within it. That, and the trailer is just damn cool for a movie fan – The Rock and his eyebrow, Vince Vaughn acting all black, Travolta and Uma dancing! I’m so there.
Overall Rating: 7.5 (out of 10)

Gunner Palace

The plot according to Yahoo: The United States Army’s 2/3 Field Artillery unit — a.k.a. the Gunner Battalion — is based in the late Uday Hussein’s Al Azimiya Palace in Adhamiya, the most volatile area of Baghdad. Filmmakers document the most recent invasion of Iraq to hear the voices of the men and women serving in this war and witness the daily danger and drudgery they must endure.

Length: 2:32
Spoilerish: 5
Release: March 4th, 2005 (NY/LA/SF/DC).
Analysis: This trailer is from Apple, mostly because Yahoo is just not working on my compy for some reason. The Yahoo site has a second trailer up if you want to head over and check that out, but you might not need to. This looks like a hard-hitting documentary, and it’s about time. The trailer does a perfect job setting up this film, and after watching it, you’ll be one of two types of people: You’ll want to check it out right away, or never. I doubt there’s much middle ground here. I say bravo, just for the concept alone.
Overall Rating: 8.0 (out of 10)

House of Wax

The plot according to IMDB: A group of friends on their way to a college football game falls prey to a pair of murderous brothers in an abandoned small town. They discover that the brothers have expanded upon the area’s main attraction.. the House of Wax. And created an entire town filled with the wax-coated corpses of unlucky visitors. Now the group must find a way out before they too become permanent exhibits in the House of Wax.

Length: Approx 2:17
Spoilerish: 8.5
Release Date: May 6th, 2005
Analysis: This is actually an Apple exclusive trailer this week, and boy is it creepy. It gives a nice mix of vibes, including Texas Chainsaw and Blair Witch (Or maybe that’s just me). The cast looks pretty solid and we’ll probably get to watch Paris Hilton murdered on screen, so huzzah for that. Speaking of which, don’t you HATE IT when a horror trailer gives away the entire plot, some of the scary sequences, AND shows you how someone will die? Yeah, me too. And this movie isn’t due out until May, which means we might get another trailer out of it. Looks like a horror movie with potential to actually be decent, but skip the trailer if you don’t like things ruined for you.
Overall Rating: 3.5 (out of 10)

House of D

The plot according to Yahoo: A man tries to resolve the turmoil of his present relationships by looking for keys to the past. He flashes back to his often hilarious and deeply touching teen escapades with his best friend (Robin Williams), a slow-witted janitor at his high school. Duchovny makes his directorial debut with this emotional and at times comical fable about New York City and the sweeping power of friendship.

Length: Approx. 2:23
Spoilerish: 10
Release: April 15, 2005
Analysis:Yes, that’s right, a 10 for spoilerish. Why, you ask? BECAUSE IT RUINS WHAT SHOULD BE THE BEST PART OF THE FILM! Nevermind the fact it gives away so much of the plot – easily forgiven with the material in question. Nevermind the excellent film it’s looking to set up and amazing performances it spotlights. No, what the film does is give away way, WAY too much, and it made me angry. You wanna give away the backstory, fine, but the payoff? Unforgiveable.
Overall Rating: 2.5 (out of 10)

The Longest Yard

The plot according to IMDB: Prison inmates form a football team to challenge the prison guards. **Yupp, that’s it.**

Length: Approx. 2:26
Spoilerish: 6.0
Release: Memorial Day 2005
Analysis: Well, it’s an Adam Sandler movie, and the trailer does not work to hide that. Instead, it plays to his strengths, and if you’re a Sandler fan, you’ll be in love. If not, well, you probably will never be and you should skip this trailer. The film looks funny and sees Sandler teaming up with Chris Rock, Burt Reynolds and more. Not too many jokes are given away, and you can’t say the plot is spoiled because A)It’s a remake, and B)It’s an Adam Sanlder football film. Come on now.
Overall Rating: 8.0 (I’m a Sandler fan)

Yes

The plot according to Yahoo: Suffocating in a failed marriage with Anthony, She, an Irish-American scientist, sparks an affair with He, a Lebanese surgeon exiled in London where he now works as a cook. As their passion ignites, each will find themselves on their own personal journey, trying to come to terms with their lives and losses. The bittersweet affair will bring them on a global ride from London to New York, Beirut and Havana, and it will force them to reevaluate their faiths, beliefs and, ultimately, each other

Length: 1:01
Spoilerish: 1.0
Release: June 24, 2005 Limited.
Analysis: Well, to be honest, I don’t know what what to make of this one. The trailer is definitely a tease, and kudos to anyone who can actually figure out what is going on. It’s all music and quick-changing images, so for now just go by the plot above for an idea of what this movie will be about. The trailer shows the main players, but that’s about it, unless I’m missing something….
Overall Rating: 4.0 (out of 10)

Stealth

The plot according to Yahoo: Deeply ensconced in a top-secret military program, three pilots struggle to bring an artificial intelligence program under control … before it initiates the next world war.

Length: 2:31
Spoilerish: 7.5
Release: July 29th, 2005
Analysis: It’s a fun trailer for a fun action flick. The premise has been done before, however, and may seem a little cliche to some. But, the trailer makes it a point to tell us that the director of XXX and Fast and the Furious is behind this, so I guess it’s like a mix of those two films in the air. It gives a little bit of the plot away with some pretty intense action sequences, but not enough to ruin the entire film.
Overall Rating: 6.0 (out of 10)

Foreign Films Get Trailers Too

Steamboy

The plot according to Yahoo: A retro science-fiction epic set in Victorian England, this animated adventure features an inventor prodigy named Ra Stim who receives a mysterious metal ball containing a new form of energy capable of powering an entire nation. This young boy must use it to fight evil, redeem his family and save London from destruction.

Length: 1:40
Spoilerish: 3.5
Release: March 18, 2005 Limited.
Analysis: Well, I’m speechless. This is absolutely BEAUTIFUL animation. Really, I found it breath-taking to watch, but again, I kinda like anime. Those who do not will do well to just skip over this and move on. For everyone else, however, view the trailer – they’ve attached some big-name voices to this little flick and it just might turn a few heads.
Overall Rating: 8.0 (out of 10)

Schultze Gets the Blues

The plot according to Yahoo: A retired German man spends his plentiful free time playing the accordion in a polka band at the local pub. Bored with his life, he becomes reinvigorated when he hears Cajun zydeco music. Inspired, his passion for this non-traditional music alienates him from the locals and sends him on a trek to the swamps of Louisiana to find the heart of zydeco.

Length: 1:40
Spoilerish: 5.0
Release: February 11th, 2005 Limited.
Analysis: I’m still getting my feet wet rating foreign films – something about them is so intimidating. That being said, this looks like a lovely piece of work, and according to the narration in the trailer (English), this won some nice awards back in Germany. The trailer makes it look like a little gem to check out if it happens to ever play near you.
Overall Rating: 7.0 (out of 10)

Trailers for Films Opening This Very Weekend! (Weekend of February 25th, 2005)

Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

The plot according to Yahoo (Abridged due to length): Helen McCarter (Kimberly Elise) seemingly had the perfect life with husband Charles McCarter (Steve Harris). Over the years, Helen has been a faithful and loving wife, while Charles built a successful and lucrative career as a prominent Atlanta attorney. Theirs is a little piece of paradise away from the city. On the eve of their 18th wedding anniversary, Helen’s paradise begins to crumble as Charles announces that he wants a divorce. He tosses Helen out of the mansion to make room for the other woman. With all of her possessions packed in a moving van, Helen starts on her journey to put the pieces of her life back together. Through the assistance of her friends, family, faith, and a twist of fate, Helen finds the strength and empowerment she needs to get control of her circumstances. She also finds that the tragic events of her life soon become comic, especially with the guidance and help – mostly unsolicited, by the way – of her pot-smoking, gun-toting, and much beloved grandmother figure Madea (Tyler Perry).

Length: 2:29
Spoilerish : 7
Analysis: Looks like a nice little inner-journey film, with enough to keep fans of multiple genres happy. The trailer is a bit long, and gives away most of the plot. It’s interesting to note, however, that the grandmother featured prominently in the poster and plot summary is given very little trailer time. Perhaps they’re aiming to surprise audiences with something?
Overall Rating: 6.5 (out of 10)

Man of the House

The plot according to Yahoo: Texas Ranger Roland Sharp (Tommy Lee Jones) is assigned to protect the only witnesses to the murder of a key figure in the prosecution of a drug kingpin — a group of University of Texas cheerleaders. Sharp must now go undercover as an assistant cheerleading coach and move in with the young women.

Length: 2:32
Spoilerish: 6.5
Analysis: Well, it’s a comedy that has Tommy Lee Jones and Cedric the Entertainer teaming up. Usually that’d be enough, but the trailer goes the distance and shows that this film might actually be funny. I laughed out loud a few times when I first watched it. Sure, it could also be a disaster, but as a trailer, it does a pretty good job with the film, giving away some but not all of the movie.
Overall Rating: 7.0 (out of 10)

Cursed

The plot according to Yahoo: An estranged brother and sister living in Los Angeles, mourning the recent loss of their parents, are brought together by a savage werewolf attack, forcing them to fight for survival, against both the beast and the dangers of its virulent curse.

Length: 2:32
Spoilerish: 7.5
Analysis: Well, let’s see. We’ve got Wes Craven directing a werewolf movie. Sounds super awesome, except for one thing that’s just kind of bugging me – it’s rated PG-13. Why? *Sigh* As for the trailer, it gets the general creep-out factor across well enough, but again, horror movie trailers have a tendency to show some key scenes in them that viewers might like left un-spoiled. I’d say watch at your own risk, if you plan on seeing the flick. If not, then it’s a fun little horror trailer.
Overall Rating: 6.5 (out of 10)

The Number One Movie in America!

Every week, I’ll take the number one movie in America and put its trailer here, just in case anyone hasn’t seen it yet (or just loves the trailer). Also, comments from anyone who has seen the film and the trailer will be thrown in, to give you a complete idea about it and the movie.

Hitch

The plot according to Yahoo: A professional matchmaker’s program is threatened by a female journalist who enrolls as a student and plans on publishing an exposÃ?��Ã?¯Ã?¿Ã?½Ã?��Ã?�Ã?© on his fraudulent methods.

Length: 2:26
Spoilerish: 4.5
Analysis: Well, now that I’ve seen Hitch, I’m going to change my score a little bit. Not only does this movie deserve to be number one, but it also has an incredibly well-done trailer. I was afraid the jokes given away would ruin the movie – they do not. Are some of them key? Yes. But are there plenty more? Oh hell yes. And there’s an entire subplot that this trailer does not even scratch the surface of – the hints are there, but you know nothing concrete. I feel like I went into the movie excited yet blind overall, and THAT is how a trailer should be.
Overall Rating: 8.5 (out of 10)

Debating that DVD purchase? Check out the trailer first!

Yupp, each week, I’ll take the new, major DVD release(s) and put the trailer here too. Just to help you decide how to spend that cash or remind you about a movie, in case you forgot ^_^

I Heart Huckabees

The plot according to Yahoo: This ensemble comedy is about a married couple, the Jaffes (Hoffman, Tomlin), who work as detectives, helping people solve existential crises in their lives. For those not familiar with the philosophy-based term of “existential crisis”, some examples of such a crises would be a “mid-life crisis”, a “what am I doing with my life?” sort of hang up, “my life has been a mistake”, “my whole life is a joke”, etc. Their first client in this movie is Albert Markovski (Schwartzman), who is experiencing angst because of his position at Huckabee’s, a popular chain of retail stores. Investigating his workplace, the Jaffes take on one of Albert’s coworkers, Brad Stand (Law) as a client as well, which leads them to investigate his girlfriend, Dawn Campbell (Watts), who is the spokesmodel in the Huckabees TV commercials. Meanwhile, Albert teams up with an existential firefighter (Wahlberg) and a French radical (Huppert) out of frustration with the idea that the Jaffes are helping the very man who seems to be part of Albert’s existential crisis.

Length: 2:16
Spoilerish: 6.5
Analysis: I saw this movie back when it came out in theaters, and I liked it. I hadn’t seen the trailer and I went in blind, and came out content, if not confused. Watch the trailer, and you’ll get a fun little vibe from it, and that’s what the movie is, really – fun. It’s very deep and profound, yes, but it is also fun. The trailer is long and shows a lot of inter-related scenes, but honestly, you can’t figure out what the hell is going on in the trailer and you more or less have no idea who is related to who and how.
Overall Rating : 5.0 (out of 10)

What a Tease! Special: Oscar Trailers

This week, in light of the major awards show this Sunday eve, I’ve gathered together the trailers for all the films nominated in the best picture category.

The Aviator

The plot according to Yahoo: The Aviator, directed by Martin Scorsese and written by John Logan, tells the story of aviation pioneer Howard Hughes (Leonardo DiCaprio), the eccentric billionaire industrialist and Hollywood film mogul, famous for romancing some of the world’s most beautiful women. The drama recounts the years of his life from the late 1920s through the 1940s, an epoch when Hughes was directing and producing Hollywood movies and test flying innovative aircrafts he designed and created.

Length: 2:47
Spoilerish: 5.5
Analysis: You take a good cast, an amazing director, and a vision, and you put it on screen, and people eat it up. Scorsese has created another work of art with this film, and the trailer barely bats an eye at the plot or the characters – in other words, it doesn’t ruin anything. This is one of the hotly debated films at the awards show this Sunday, with plenty of people feeling it doesn’t deserve to be there, let alone win. You’ll know our thoughts soon enough, but check out the film on your own (if you haven’t already) and watch the trailer first – it doesn’t spoil much, and actually promotes the film pretty well.
Overall Rating : 6.5 (out of 10)

Finding Neverland

The plot according to Yahoo: Set in London in 1904, the film follows J.M. Barrie’s creative journey to bring Peter Pan to life, from his first inspiration for the story up until the play’s premiere at the Duke of York’s Theatre – a night that will change not only Barrie’s own life, but the lives of everyone close to him. David Magee’s screenplay is based on the play “The Man Who Was Peter Pan,” written by Allen Knee.

Length: 2:25
Spoilerish: 4.5
Analysis: You can’t really spoil a film that you already know the ending of. What you can do is give away the wrong parts or show too much of a good thing and turn an audience off – and this trailer does not do that. Instead, it shows just enough of the characters, the heart and the emotion driving this film to get people really interested. Everything is spot on and there’s nothing really to complain about. A solid trailer for a solid film.
Overall Rating : 7.5 (out of 10)

Million Dollar Baby

The plot according to Yahoo: In the wake of a painful estrangement from his daughter, boxing trainer Frankie Dunn has been unwilling to let himself get close to anyone for a very long time–then Maggie Fitzgerald walks into his gym. In a life of constant struggle, Maggie’s gotten herself this far on raw talent, unshakable focus and a tremendous force of will. But more than anything, she wants someone to believe in her. The last thing Frankie needs is that kind of responsibility– let alone that kind of risk–but won over by Maggie’s sheer determination, he begrudgingly agrees to take her on. In turns exasperating and inspiring each other, the two come to discover that they share a common spirit that transcends the pain and loss of their pasts, and they find in each other a sense of family they lost long ago. Yet, they both face a battle that will demand more heart and courage than any they’ve ever known.

Length: 2:31
Spoilerish: 4.5
Analysis: You know, for a film everyone and their mother is going monkeys over, I just don’t see it. I dunno, maybe I have a block or something, but I honestly don’t get what is so special about this film. As for the trailer, it winds up being your run of the mill, ‘I have talent, take me in’ piece, as it actually shows the forward movement of plot. Not that that’d plot be in doubt, but certain scenes aren’t exactly necessary for a trailer – let the film do the talking and the trailer just raise interest. This one just has a bit too much in it.
Overall Rating : 5.5 (out of 10)

Ray

The plot according to Yahoo: Ray is the musical biographical drama of American legend Ray Charles. Born in a poor town in Georgia, Ray Charles went blind at the age of seven shortly after witnessing his younger brother’s accidental death. Inspired by a fiercely independent mother who insisted he make his own way in the world, Charles found his calling and his gift behind a piano keyboard. Touring across the Southern musical circuit, the soulful singer gained a reputation and then exploded with worldwide fame when he pioneered incorporating gospel, country, jazz and orchestral influences into his inimitable style. As he revolutionized the way people appreciated music, he simultaneously fought segregation in the very clubs that launched him and championed artists’ rights within the corporate music business. “Ray” provides an portrait of Charles’ musical genius as he overcomes drug addiction while transforming into one of this country’s most beloved performers.

Length: 2:48
Spoilerish: 2.0
Analysis: Again, you have here an auto-biographical film, and as such a trailer is not meant to do the same job here as with other films. The creators seemingly wanted Foxx’s performance as the center-piece of this one, and that was one wise move. Foxx makes this movie his own – he is amazing in it. People who see this know who Ray Charles was, and they want to see it because of that. Putting a trailer together like this does amazing things to help – people might even question who that is on the screen – and that is amazing.
Overall Rating : 8.0 (out of 10)

Sideways

The plot according to Yahoo: Miles Faymond (Giamatti), a divorced middle school teacher and failed novelist, and his altar-bound friend Jack (Church) take a wine-tasting trip in California, pondering questions about their directions in life.

Length: 2:30
Spoilerish: 4.0
Analysis: Well, you can definitely tell it’s an Oscars thing, because this is just another fantastic film. I had seen the trailer for it many times, and you know something? It didn’t ruin anything for me. Yes, it details a lot of happenings, including a plot twist, but by the time that happens you are so deep into this movie you don’t even remember the trailer. It shows off the charm of this jewel of a film, and it should be viewed as a success in that sense.
Overall Rating : 8.0 (out of 10)

Wrapping it Up

So, that’ll do it for another week. Can you tell it’s Awards week here or what? Still some polishing of the column going on as far as my behalf is concerned, but as time passes it’ll become less and less. Again, any thoughts or comments, send them my way, and, as usual,

Until next time…..