SMACK this! (or, it’s better if I imagine it’s a WCW show)
Quick Hit: Haley’s back. AWESOME.
Portions of the following show are sponsored by the friends of JBL… This past Sunday, John Bradshaw Layfield successfully defended his WWE Championship…again. Tonight, you are invited to a special celebration… A celebration of a great champion… Since that fateful night of becoming the WWE Champion, JBL has been a fighting champion… A noble champion… A champion that with each title defense has made history. JBL’s legacy reached another pinnacle this past week, as he became the longest reigning WWE Champion in nearly ten years… Tonight, we celebrate a milestone. Tonight is JBL’s Celebration of Excellence!
One world, two brands, three French hens!
A long recap of the Batista Soap Opera, culminating in the Demon Bomb on Triple Lemmy. He’s staying on RAW to the surprise of just about no one.
Cripes, even Star Trek teasers aren’t this long…
A rotten theme! Fireworks! That perfectly ridiculous fist! We are TAPED from Philadelphia, PA, at the Vachovia Center; it must be SmackDown! Tonight: JBL’s Celebration of Excellence! The Board of Directors’ decision on Theodore Long! Undertaker vs Jindrak and Reigns – double jeopardy – I’ll take programs that never end for $800, Alex.
WWE Tag Team Championship: Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio vs The Bashams. Eddy is sporting a super cool GTA style t-shirt. Eddy and Danny start, and big EDDY chant breaks out. Lockup, and Danny gets a side headlock. Eddy is sent for the ride, drops down, and hits a pair of arm drags. The Bashams regroup, and they lockup again. Eddy with an arm wringer, and tags in Rey. Rey hits a kick and a forearm, and then sends Danny for the ride. Rey drops down and nails hurracan-ole on Danny for two. Cole name-drops Pedro Moralles and Tito Santana by way of comparison. Whataputz. Eddy tags back in, and stomps Danny for a minute, before knocking Danny’s head into the turnbuckle. Whip to the other corner is reversed by Danny, but he eats boot on the way in. Side suplex by Eddy gets two, as Doug breaks it up. Eddy gets shoved into the wrong corner, as Doug tags in and drops him with a second rope spinebuster for two, saved by Rey. That was a neat little move. Danny crawls under the ring as we head to some…
Commercials.
We’re back, as Doug misses a second rope leg drop on Eddy. Rey was taken out during the break, getting tossed headfirst into the stairs by Danny, who was busy with “something” under the ring before remembering “Oh snap! I got a match!” Geez, that recalls the lawn dart incident, perpetrated by one Kevin Nash. Eddy gets worked over as Rey is still loafing on the outside. Did I say loafing? I meant selling. I always get those mixed up. Eddy is looking for a tag, but Rey is nowhere to be found. Doug sends Eddy to the corner, but shoulders the post instead. These crazy kids and their blind charges. Still no Rey, so Eddy plays pinata some more. Doug recovers and tags Danny back in, who works over Eddy with neck wringer thinger, then a kneeboard to the back. Rey tries to get an Eddy chant going again, as Eddy takes a powerslam for two. Another cover, another two count. Danny powers Eddy into the corner and tags Doug, who drops an elbow for two. Doug puts Eddy in a half crab, which Eddy tries to crawl out of. Doug decides that Rey is making too much noise, so he drops the crab (eww) and waffles Rey. Eddy is sent back to the wrong side of the tracks as Danny tags back in to work over Eddy some more. Doug chokes Eddy with the tag rope in a nice touch while Danny distracts the ref. I’ll say it – the Bashams have come a long way from being Shaniqua’s bitches. Danny sends Eddy for the ride, but Eddy dropkicks out of a flapjack, and the ten count is on. Danny makes the tag first, then Rey is in. He’s a tamale on fire! Seated senton for Doug! Kicks and forearms for everyone! Eddy’s back in (so soon?) and it’s the dreaded double ten punch! Danny gets clotheslined over the top by Eddy (Bill Watts would have fired and deported him for that) while Rey hits a springboard moonsault on Doug for two. Doug blocks Rey, and looks like he’s going for a chicken wing suplex, but drops him face first. Sick move, but it only gets two as Eddy saves. Eddy says hi to Danny by way of dropkicking him off the apron, and going for the Rolling Verticals on Doug. The third is blocked however, and Doug goes for something, but Eddy falls behind and drop toe holds Doug onto the middle rope. 619! Whoops, it hit Eddy, who sells it like he was shot out of a moving car or something. Danny hits a spinning side suplex on Rey, while Doug hits a lame-o flying headbutt for two, saved by Eddy. Danny charges Rey but misses, flying over the top. Doug charges Rey, but gets drop toe holed (?) onto the middle rope for the 619, which hits this time. Eddy with a frogsplash that’s sublime, and Rey drops the dime, to keep the belts and end this silly rhyme. Eddy and Rey retain! **1/2. Kind of surprising to me, since they’re advertising Rey vs Eddy for a Buffalo house show in two weeks, so the breakup must be coming.
Michael Cole and Tazz recap the Cena/Angle match from No Way Out. I’m SHOCKED that Cena won. Really.
The SD divas chat backstage. Orlando drops by to invite the ladies to ringside for the big celebration tonight. It’s a black tie affair, so no skanky ho dress, please.
Commercials.
Kurt Angle Invitational: Kurt Angle vs Matt Martel. Martel asks Angle how it felt to lose the #1 contenders match to John Cena. You can probably guess where that’s gonna go. Big clothesline, as we get three minutes on the clock. Angle works Martel over on the ropes, then hits a German for two, but Angle picks him up. A knee lift, then some more face mashing in the corner. Whip to the opposite corner, into a belly to belly by Angle. Two count again, as Angle picks him up a second time. Tazz call this a bow and arrow, but it looks more like an STF to me. He rubs his forearm into Martels face, and HE’S BUSTED WIDE OPEN! LOOK AT THE CARNAGE! Ok, it’s just a bloody nose. Angle slam, again for two. Ankle lock with a leg lace, and it’s all over but the crying. Angle wins at 2:11 DUD. Cole wonders about the challenge from Shawn Michaels, so Tazz goes to the ring to ask Angle about it. HBK’s challenge from Monday is played on the SmackATron, while an HBK chant goes up. Angle goes to answer, then tosses the mic and walks out. No answers today. Boo!
Outside, guests arrive for the JBL celebration.
Commercials.
Backstage, Heidenriech writes poetry. Josh asks him why. Poemilarity ensues.
Cole and Tazz recap the WWE Championship match from No Way Out. JBL goes through the ring, ala Foley at NWO 2000. JBL wins by crawling from under the ring. Batista takes out the Cabinet, and JBL eats a spinebuster through some equipment from Cena.
At ringside, the party gets ready. Red carpet, red ring, redrum…Meanwhile…
Backstage, JBL whines about the pain he is in. But he will carry on, because his fans NEED to see him tonight. Meanwhile…
Linda McMahon arrives at WWE studios in Stamford, CT.
Commercials.
WrestleMania 21 in 38 days!
A band! Sort of. It’s a bunch of violins, champagne, chicks and what looks like a few local workers. I wonder if Dreamer’s gonna get these guys for the ECW show, seeing how everyone else is either injured, retired, or dead. Man, Shane Douglas has gotta be PISSED. Orlando asks us to welcome the champ as JBL limps out to a chorus of boos. Love the upside down ten-gallon hat ice sculptures. JBL found his smile. Quick, call Shawn! He’ll know what to do with it. An opera singer pays tribute to JBL. She’s pretty good too. Of course, the Philadelphians hate it. Cena chant starts up, upsetting the champ. Orlando reveals an oil painting of JBL. I’ll bet someone is wearing that by the time this is over.
JBL speaks. JBL takes a shot at Philly sports, saying today, they can live vicariously through him. He even amazes himself, making the impossible look routine again, beating the Big Show in the first ever Barbed Wire Steel Cage match. JBL says he deserves the celebration. Every time a critic says to him “you can’t keep winning” he proves them wrong. He cannot be beat. Batista didn’t come to SD, because he knows he can’t beat JBL. JBL rambles some more, pointing out his 242 days as a champion is a record-breaking reign, and is indeed, a wrestling god. Well, it’s the Big Karate Kid! Sporting a heck of a bandage around his melon, he is.
Show tosses people around, and destroys the sets. The Cabinet gangs up on Show, and Cena comes out. Cena tosses the Cabinet, and breaks the painting over JBL’s head (CJ=prophet). Teddy Long comes out, and since he’s still in charge for now, makes a tag match – JBL and Orlando vs Show and Cena. Tonight!
Commercials.
WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Chavo Guerrero vs Funaki. Chavo says five a bunch, and for a second, I think he’s ripping off Booker T. Cole helpfully tells me that he beat five guys to win the belt this past Sunday. Okay then. Chavo puts the hurt on right away, with some kicks and that uber-cool European uppercut he does so well. More stomps and a cover gets two. Stomps a plenty leads to an overhead hammerlock while grapevining the leg (whadaya mean I’m making this up?). Funaki tries to elbow out, but Chavo pounds him down. Chavo with a hammerlock proper (while subtley pulling the hair – nice Little Thing) and goes for an atomic drop, but Funaki rolls into a snapmare, followed by a BAAAAAAAACK body drop. Two more elbows to the gut by Funaki, and then a nice right sends Chavo down. Funaki bounces to get the crowd going – if he had boobs and was a she, that would be pretty sweet. Sadly, he’s neither. Chavo whipped in, but reverses, while Funaki ducks and whips Chavo to the corner – it’s a Jericho bulldog! It gets two. Chavo misses a right. HBK forearm! Funaki goes for the tornado DDT, but Chavito shoves him off, blocks the savat kick, sends Funaki to the corner, gets reversed and hops onto Funaki’s shoulders in the spinebuster position – but Funaki doesn’t drop him. Instead, he rams Chavo upside-down and back first into the corner, twice. Chavo grabs the bottom rope for leverage, and gets Funaki up – Gory bomb! Chavo retains. Paul London comes out in some weird Norseman like outfit and ambushes Chavo. “You stole it from me! You cheated!” Well, duh. He lies, cheats and steals, moron. *, for Funaki’s sort-of-comeback.
Double Jeopardy, next!
Commercials.
Joy Giovanni wins the Rookie Diva 2005 competition. Yay!
Double Jeopardy Handicrap Match: Mark Jindrak & Luther Reigns vs The Undertaker. Jindrak and Reigns are nearly in the ring, while Taker gets his full entrance. Way to push the new guys. Cole turns the cliche machine up a notch, calling Taker’s entrance “awe inspiring, bone chilling and mentally numbing.” You know, I’m really missing Schavione these days. My goodness, I just want to take a Sharpie to Takers forehead and use it as a doodle pad. Jindrak starts it off. Apparently this is tag style. I’m forced to bring up a definition from my little read Incomplete Guide to the IWC, which says this: This is your brain – 2+1=3. This is your brain on smarts – 2+1 can’t equal 3 because handicap matches don’t draw.
Oh yeah, the match. Sorry.
Jindrak starts it off, because Reigns doesn’t seem to want anything to do with Taker. Dead man punches followed by the obligatory “scare the ref out of the ring” spot. Jindrak’s head says hi to the turnbuckle, and then eats an elbow. Taker stalks after Reigns, who drops off the apron again. Jindrak goes for a tag, but Reigns is all “no way, I was the bitch on Sunday”, so Taker pounds on him some more. Taker hits the noisy boot, then nails Reigns for fun. Taker whip in is reversed into a powerslam by Jindrak. Why does Cole keep calling it a scoop slam? Jindrak goes for a tag, but Reigns is still on the floor (is this a theme tonight?) and decides to go for a cover instead, which gets two. Taker reverses into the triangle choke for the tapout. Ok, make up your mind: dead man, or bad ass. DUD. Post match, Reigns shoves Jindrak, and then kicks the stairs. Those poor stairs are taking a beating tonight. Reigns shoves Jindrak again, so Jindrak snaps and they tussle. A bunch of refs storm out to pull them apart. The world is on fire with a collective “whateva.”
Cole and Tazz talk about the fate of Teddy Long, as Linda gets WIRED.
Commercials.
Theodore Long is in the ring as we await word from Linda. Teddy says tonight might be his last night as GM of SD. Regardless of the decision, Long is proud to be GM. Carlito Colon comes on out. It seems Carlito started a petition to have Long removed from office. Carlito speaks! He corrects Long; he should have said “proud to have BEEN your GM” Long’s reign of terror has come to an end. Long will be FIRED. Ladies and germs, the CEO of the WWE, Linda McMahon.
Linda says that the Board recieved Carlito’s petition, and while the Board agrees Long used his position of power a bit too well, they also feel it was for the betterment of the show. Long stays! By the way, Carlito, stop calling. Teddy, keep up the good work.
A Teddy chant fires up! Long snatches Carlito’s apple mid toss, takes a bite and says, “I am your boss! I tell you what to do! You show up next week, and you show up early. If you think your life has been a living hell, you ain’t seen nothing yet. And one more thing playa: That’s cool, how ’bout that!” I have loved Teddy Long non-ref characters forever, so it’s cool to see him get a decent amount of respect from the crowd. Holla!
Tag Team Turmoil, next!
Commercials.
Next Monday on RAW, Edge vs HBK and Benoit vs Hassan.
It’s time for the MAIN EVENT…introductions. Tazz calls Cole the Sensei of Segue. Ugh. Now I almost miss Zybisco. Almost.
Commercials. The HHH Braveheart parody is awesome. Whooo, indeed.
Main Event: John Cena & Big Show vs John Bradshaw Layfield & Orlando Jordan. Show and Jordan start, but it’s more like Jordan stand around and gets his ass handed to him. BIG open hand slaps in the corner, followed by a BIG forearm to the back. Show chokes him on the top rope, then sends Jordan to JBL’s corner. But JBL won’t tag. Ok, there’s a BIG difference between continuity and beating the dead horse into the ground. There must have been a memo that said “tag partners don’t tag” or something. So, Jordan gets sent back to Cena’s corner, who tags in. Cena with a boot and a pair of rights, but Jordan fights out. Stone Cold John Cena fights back with rights and a clothesline, then another. Jordan whipped in and he munches elbow, so Cena goes after JBL, who backs off the apron again. To quote my Sims, “Argh.” Whip in reversed by Jordan, but JBL trips Cena up. A dropkick by Jordan sends Cena outside where JBL introduces him to the often abused stairs. Show chases JBL around ringside (chase being relative to a turtle chasing the hare) while Jordan works over Cena outside. Jordan mocks Cena (“you can’t see me either”) then sends him back inside. JBL is suddenly the legal man, and I rewind to see if I missed something. Nope, must be part of the appreciation theme. Chops and punches by JBL on Cena in the corner. Cena punches the ribs, and JBL tags Jordan back in. More punchy-kicky stuff, followed by a clothesline for two. Cena winds up in JBL’s reach, who chokes Cena with the tag rope while Jordan distracts the ref. Cena tries to fight back again, but JBL comes in and stops that. Finally, Show lumbers in a knocks JBL and Jordan around, stacking them in the corner. Show BACKS THAT ASS UP, knocking JBL outside, the does a flying shoulder block on Jordan. Yes, his feet really did leave the mat. Show rolls back out, JBL writhes in pain, and Cena pumps up his shoes, because hey, it works for Jordan. Michael Jordan, that is. Cena with an F-U, 5 knuckle shuffle, and Cena and Show win. *1/2, just to see Show do that shoulder block. Cena is SO not ready for the main event. He’s very good, but he needs more time. Cena parties at ringside as we go off the air.
Aside from the decent opening match, this show ate suck and came back for seconds. Although looking at it as a WCW show helped tremendously. See ya next week!
