But, Before We Begin”¦
Adventures in AOL Instant Messenger
That_Bootleg_Guy: Uh oh”¦Gloomchen just signed on. Let your stalking begin!
Matthew_Michael: Mine?
Matthew_Michael: MINE?
That_Bootleg_Guy: Is that what you call her?
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Welcome back to The Bootleg. Weather-wise, it’s been quite The Day After Tomorrow in these parts over the last few, uh, days. Heavy rains, mudslides and”¦tornado warnings? In Southern California?
Come to think of it, that does explain the rash of Helen Hunt & Bill Paxton sightings, lately. Although, nearly ten years after the movie of the same name, I’d have bet you that the only Twisters these two had chased down lately were from behind the counter at KFC.
Don’t get me wrong, though”¦all this precipitation did have its privileges.
See, a gaggle of girlfriends from where Mrs. Bootleg works wanted to throw a birthday party for Baby Bootleg. One of the well-intentioned women even opened up her home for the festivities. And, after all the personal drama the wife has been through over the last month, this generous gesture was greatly appreciated.
It was just a shame that we couldn’t thank all the women who put the party together and ensured that our son would turn one, while surrounded by family and friends. How could we possibly pay these people back? The ominous answer was found in an email I received from the wife, just 48 hours before the cacophony of kids and cake would commence:
“Also, do you think Aaron would be willing to let the kids chase him, while he’s wearing a shirt with candies sewn on it??? I’m trying to find some games for the kids to play….!”
Mrs. Bootleg forwarded that to me from one of her girlfriends.
And, hey, nothing says “Happy Birthday” better than a few rousing hands of “white kids chase Black man”. I’m not certain, but wasn’t that an old slave game? I’m certain I saw it in an old 1936 Shirley Temple cinematic masterpiece”¦co-starring Gregory Hines and Mr. Bojangles.
After my obvious response, the wife tried to come after my conscience:
“Oh, be a team player. She’s throwing your son a birthday party! Do you know how much it’s costing to have this party? Just let them chase you around for a little bit and then fake an injury.”
And is the child who captures the last dash of my dignity declared the winner? Does the wife not realize that she’s asking a person to play a piñata? Why not hand the kids a couple of Kendo sticks to complete the caricature?
Despite my rampant refusal for this role in the remake of The Running Man, I was sure that I’d be sharing last Sunday’s story of several shrunken hands swiping sugary sweets off my shirt, today. As luck would have it, the skies opened up”¦the rain came”¦and every outdoor game planned for these lil’ bastards was cancelled.
I’d say that’s pretty much proof that there is a God”¦and you can’t spell “Goodness” without him!
Pay The Toll to the Troll
Twelve months ago, you were calling Kanye West “ubiquitous”, while I was calling him overrated and overexposed. Today, I imagine you’re calling him something else after news broke that he plans to start charging for any appearance on a magazine cover.
Combine that with word that he’s working on a sixth video from his College Dropout album and I think you’ll all agree that Kanye is this close to the dreaded “brink of the Black fan’s backlash”.
I think it’s common knowledge that white folk get tired of Black entertainers before we do. For example, Eddie Murphy lost his sway in the suburbs right around the release of Harlem Nights in 1989. Yet, he was still bringing the bruthas to the box office through Boomerang, Beverly Hills Cop 3 and Another 48 Hours. It wasn’t until Vampire in Brooklyn when we started turning on him.
That’s a good six-year gap, but still only good for third place on the list of longest lag until The Backlash. The silver medal goes to the NBA, which is still attracting an eclectic mix of ethnicities even after the white fans abandoned the sport in 1992. Something to do with the corruption that kept Curt Hennig out of the league. (“Did you see those promos? He never missed!”)
While the gold medal goes to Tiger Woods. Don’t look so surprised. Based on his career-long ratio of white support to black support, I figure he’s around negative infinity, or something.
Ethics vs. Puffy”¦I’d Like to see That Point Spread
Is it me or does PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) seem to spend more time in my column than the wall-to-wall weekly focus on nothing but my standard stay-on-subject music news found here each week?
Well, this time the group is targeting P. Diddy and accusing him of mistreating a half-dozen penguins at a Miami party last week. And, I’m sure such Black-on-Black and White harassment hasn’t been seen since George Jefferson’s weekly handicap matches with Tom and Helen Willis.
Reports indicate that the penguins were placed out on a Plexiglas plank left floating in a pool during opening ceremonies for a South Beach hotel. Sorry, but I gotta side with Diddy on this one. This obviously is a long overdue response to the $6.50 that I lost 13 years ago on Batman Returns. How in the hell did Tim Burton manage to piss away the peak of Michelle Pfeiffer’s feminine star power?
Easy.
Too many shots of this and this. And, not enough shots of this“¦and this.
Justice is Blind”¦Unless It’s at the Buffet
As Lil’ Kim’s court date comes closer and closer, lawyers from both the prosecution and the defense are frantically trying to find jurors who aren’t all that up on rap music and the Hip Hop culture.
One side thinks that rap fans will fall in favor of the (reportedly) perjuring pork shank. While the other side thinks that the genre’s occasional, once-in-a-blue-moon marketing of guns n’ gore will taint jurors into thinking that all rappers are criminals. Heaven forefend.
This week, jury selection began and court officials distributed a 15-page questionnaire to prospective jurors in an attempt to drain the proverbial pool. Now, this item is just begging for a few faux questions to test the jury’s rap wherewithal like, “Did you actually buy Tupac’s Book of Poetry?” or “Which one’s Eric B. and which one’s Rakeem (sic)?” or “Who’s Nick Salemi?”
But, let’s face it. Rap fans aren’t the ones in courtroom (uh, for jury duty, that is”¦) We’re the ones with the signs and banners outside the courtroom, on the street, waiting breathlessly for the verdict on Snoop, Suge, Shyne, C-Murder and the hope that Kurt Loder will look for our on-the-spot reaction.
While I’m the one holding out for Idalis. But, I’d settle for Kennedy.
Obligatory Oz Reference
C’mon, people”¦this time you have to root for Nelly, right? He’s run apparently run afoul of Schillinger, Col. DeBeers, David Duke and the rest of their crew.
That’s white right, kids”¦Aryan Nation is up in arms! In a recent interview with MTV, Nelly called the wife of country music star Tim McGraw “a bad biiatch”. It’s an obvious African-American term of endearment that lost its shock value years ago, but to all these jackbooted bigots, it’s another example of how little respect the Black man has for the white man.
Now, I’m all for racial harmony, but I’ve gotta disagree with the most prominent pop culture process of bringing both sides together. Of course, I could only be speaking of the black & white cookie. Popularized in an episode of Seinfeld, I’ve just never been a fan of cookies with frosting.
And the whole “half-and-half” concept gives me nightmares of comic book villain Harvey Two-Face, the not-quite-milk-not-quite-cream that comes in a carton”¦and pretty much any of Diana Ross’ children.
Sometimes the News Just Writes Itself
Finally, in honor of this weekend’s Academy Awards, I’d like to remind everyone that no matter how undeserving you think any of this year’s nominees may be”¦there ain’t none of ’em who come close to Cher, who took home the lead actress hardware for Moonstruck, nearly 20 years ago.
Well, the 77-year-old singer is doing what she can to get back into America’s good graces and, not unlike The Bootleg, she’s doing it by winning over the residents of Australia and New Zealand.
A few of my vegemite mates and kinfolk of the koala sent me a story detailing Cher recent performance in Auckland, New Zealand. During a break in her show, Cher addressed the sellout crowd, by explaining her reason to stop touring:
“I’m not giving up show business, but there are new girls coming up like Britney (Spears) and J. Lo””¦
When, the crowd reacted unfavorably at the mention of their names, Cher responded:
“I know! They’re hoes, aren’t they?”
Mee-YOW! And, considering the source“¦she must know what she’s talking about! Now, in the ’80s it was The Golden Girls“¦in the ’90s it was The First Wives Club and today, the concept of the varicose vixen lingers on like Lucille Ball’s last carcinogenic gasps of good air.
And, when you think about it”¦really, when was Bea Arthur ever considered a catch?
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
Mixtape Review: BC4 Straight Outta Lo-Cash, Ill At Will Mixtape Vol. 2
That title doesn’t roll of the tongue as easily as lyrics do for the man featured on the disc: Hip Hop icon, Redman. With his full-length 6th solo CD still on the shelf, Red has kept busy on the mixtape circuit as part of his Gilla House Entertainment Company.
Over the last few years the quality of artists’ mixtapes have been getting better as it’s a way for MC’s to keep their name out there without having a record out commercially.
Reggie Noble has been no exception. Released late in 2004, BC4 had a lot to live up to, as the Ill At Will Volume One, released early last year, was phenomenal.
Now it’s pointless to review regular mixtapes that feature tracks by different artists, but even the mixtapes featured around one artist are tough to review compared to an official commercial release. Because most of the songs are rather short, I’ll just offer brief comments on each track.
I’m High as F*ck“¦Brief one minute freestyle, decent intro track.
Party People“¦Not his best work, he’s capable of better than this.
Turn Dat Sh*t Up“¦Only track that sounds like a full-fledged original song on the CD, but it’s classic Funk Doc for sure.
Deeper Cover“¦As you can guess it’s a freestyle over Dre & Snoop’s Deep Cover
One on One“¦Red protégé Saukrates drops a pretty hot verse over a Dre-like beat (he is on the song’s intro, so who knows”¦)
Saukrates Season“¦Solid, but not spectacular
Made It“¦Icarus solo 90-second freestyle over a blazin loop sample, corny half-ass singin’ on the hook nearly ruins it
Stand Up“¦Another Icarus solo track, better than previous song, his flow sounds original
G.W. Bridge“¦Short only about a minute long freestyle
Da Banger“¦A remix of the Pretty Girls track off Jay Z & R Kelly’s Best of Both Worlds 2
Tear it Up“¦Red tag teams with his boy Govmattic on this. Red’s good, Gov sounds like some old Fugees sh*t.
8 ½ Mile“¦Red freestyle over 8 Mile Road track.
You’re So Gangsta“¦Red remixes his own version of Twista’s You’re So Sexy. He absolutely tears up this track imitating Twista’s double-time flow. You have to hear it to believe it. Reggie’s off the wall humor shines here, too.
The verdict? It’s a great mixtape, with absolute top-notch quality production (I don’t even want to discuss what I went through to get an original copy). Red is still doing his thing here and letting his crew shine, but it’s still not quite as good as the first one. If you’re a fan of Redman, you need to get it just for Turn Dat Sh*t Up and You’re So Gangsta.
In conclusion it will hold me off for now (going on 3 ½ years) but damn, where is Red’s new one: Red Gone Wild? The CD cover here says March 2005 but I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m headed to Def Jam and I’m going to stand outside with a sign petitioning the new CEO, Jay Z to release the album.
Who’s with me?
Get at me at nicksalemi@yahoo.com
General Haberdashery-Word Association Edition
I gave Mrs. Bootleg the name and she told me the first thing that came to mind”¦
Jeff Fernandez: “Does he play for the (Oakland) A’s?”
Gloomchen: “A rainy day, just like today.”
Mathan Erhardt: “Mathan? Wait, he’s not the one who died is he?”
Mike Eagle: “Is this for The Bootleg?”
Make sure you vote in Round 2 of our MC Battle Royale. 50 Cent! Rakim! And, neither made it out of the first round? Did John Cena advance? Only one way to find out!
And, won’t you join me in welcoming back John Haley! And, if I’m plugging a rasslin’ writer, you know he’s gotta be good. Hell, he bashes some select sports-entertainers for daring to wear a wedding ring. If only my wife would read his work, instead looking down on this site in shame.
What happens when IP Sports meets IP Music?
Hey, and look who’s filling in for Tayo this week! It’s Tayo! Didn’t see that coming.
J.A.M = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. He opens with me n’ American Gladiators and then covers Danny Glover (yay!)”¦disses Throw Momma From the Train (boo!)”¦mocks Tom Cruise (yes, again”¦)”¦and satirizes internet writers.
Of course, I’ve received assurances that he’s not referring to Inside Pulse’s own _______________, this time.
_____!
By the by, give his exhaustive Oscars Preview a look if you haven’t yet. Considering he did most of it by himself, without anyone else from 411 even lifting a”¦hey, look! That dog’s got a puffy tail! C’mere Puff”¦! Hee hee hee!
A is for me.
M is for TV Mathan. This week, it was announced that he’d be part of the flagship staff for IP’s Moodspins section (coming soon!) Before he collapses from exhaustion, check out his thoughts on PBS programming and Black actors.
Junk Mail
First off, thank you to everyone who wrote in after last week’s column. It was probably the most feedback I’ve received for anything I’ve written in recent memory. Between the whole “House Cuban/Field Cuban” crack and my controversial call on Nas’ latest album”¦
Now, in spite of my embiggened ego, I generally try not to print the pieces of praise that I occasionally receive. Hell, I’ll just write that up myself. But, all y’all were so damn cool (with a few coming to my defense) that I had to run these after last week”¦mostly so Widro doesn’t fire me.
First up, is an open letter to Nas and new relationship with The Guitar Center chain, from a longtime Friend of the Bootleg:
NASIR JONES! It is officially time to get your head out of your ass and stop trying to one-up Jay-Z!
But seriously folks, Jay-Z does a Metal Album with Linkin Park and makes a buttload, Nas realizes the White audience is there, blah blah blah.
Nas will always be an example of genuine talent ruined by the fact that he is jealous of commercial success. He wants soooo bad to be a god, which he shows how mortal he is.
Side note: for the WORST 2-Pac impersonation of all time, catch Nas on the HIPHOP awards on VH-1. In a “tribute” to Pac, he comes out in a Bandanna and does the sort of bad mangling of Ebonics only white guys could do. Yes, in a field full of bad Pac impersonations, this one stands out”¦S.G.
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I have to agree to a certain point that your Street’s Disciple review was a little harsh. However I feel that you justified your review well. This is what I like most about your reviews/columns, you’re not prepared to force a review or perspective point simply to flow with the trend. After listening to the album a number of times, I thought that you would have given the album a 7.5 maybe but I can understand your criticisms of it.
“But, that “spark” that should be setting it all off, far too often, fails to ignite. Illmatic really wasn’t that long ago, but sometimes, you can’t go home again.”
I think this definitely summed the album up. It’s true, whilst Nas unfortunately probably won’t be able to touch the brilliance of Illmatic again, putting out a double disc (the only double disc I’ve ever liked was 2Pac’s All Eyez On Me) was not the right thing to do.
Screw the haters, Street’s Disciple was far from perfect and writing a review like this, you certify that you DO know Hip Hop.
Thanks again for another great column and review. P.R
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This isn’t exactly praise for your Nas’ review but it’s definitely not hat email. I’d have rated Streets’ Disciple a little higher but I didn’t think you shi**ed on it either. And it’s surely not in album of the year or 5 mic territory. I’ll avoid comparing it to Illmatic cause that’s not fair and is done to death, but I personally think God’s Son was also much better as an entire album. I’d probably put Stillmatic over it too”¦R.S.
See? We can all agree to disagree. I’m sure all we ask for is a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Wow”¦not only is she one of the top five hottest women in the history of music (cough), but sometimes, she really makes you think.
Now, what was that about “House Cubans” vs. “Field Cubans”?
Not only did I get the line about Canseco vs. El Duque, I’m white (which explains why I liked Xzibit’s “Man vs. Machine”). I owe it all to Luther Campbell’s song “P*ssy Ass Kid & Hoe Ass Play” on his “I Got Shit on My Mind” album. During a boring rant, he explained how he was “field” while Kid n’ Play were “house”. At least I got something out of the album.
Keep bringing the Goodness”¦J.P..
Life With the Bootleg Family
Gotta fill space and I’m running outta time”¦
Catch me online”¦cuz now I’ve got WEBCAM! Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
