Hi everybody. I’m not gonna b-s you this week – it was a bad one, with a lot of work, tests, etc. I was pretty backlogged, and I even have stuff going into this weekend. Therefore, this column will be phoned-in, in every sense of the word. As of now, it’s already over a day late, and it might be another day before it shows up on the site. I’m sorry for it, as it’s partly my fault for not managing my time better…..I guess…….and I’ll see what I can do to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
A BIG Thank You
Well, you guys voted me best, well, everything in a sweep of the Reader’s Choice awards *Sorry Campbell, ties don’t count*. And all I can say is…wow. Just wow. I honestly did not expect anything like this. They all say news is a thankless job, blah blah. But you guys are just….wow. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU so so much. We have an absolutely amazing staff here, and for you guys to pick me is just such a compliment and an honor….I was speecless most of the week. I was shocked. But I appreciate it more than I can put into words – I’m finally doing something I’ve always wanted to do, and you guys like it, and that means a lot. I’m going to continue to keep writing the best I can, and hopefully keep entertaining you guys.** Again, thank you – Inside Pulse has some of the best fans around.
** – Just don’t count this phoned-in issue of the Guide….
News You Can Use – And WE Abuse
You know the deal by now. J. Kern and myself take most of the news from the week, post it here in one easy-to-find spot, and then commentate on/make fun of/rip it up. The headlines are in bold, the news story underneath, and then our comments on said story. We’re gonna start something different – as some have said the column is a bit too long. So I’m going to post a little bit of a news byte, and then link to the whole story. Kern and I will then comment underneath.
Sony Interested in Rocky 6?
Sony uniting with MGM might bring some good luck to the Italian Stallion. While MGM were not interested in making Rocky 6 at all, now it appears that Sony apparently is. Talking to TV’s Dennis Miller Live, Stallone announced that Sony are keen to bring back Balboa, and that it’s shaping up nicely. The rest of the story….
Kern: Boy … that must be a tough fight for bookies to make odds for. i mean, who’s going to bet on the Mason Dixon line in this day and age?
Kern: NOW STOP GIVING ME FAKE NEWS.
Norty: It’s not fake man. It’s as real as another Rambo.
Kern: “Sly” magazine? “MASON DIXON”?!
Norty: I KNOW! But its legit!
Kern: Lemme guess. Mason Dixon’s manager is Scheister McRacist?
Norty: I doubt it – sounds too original…
Kern: And the ref’s name is Bribey McTakeadive!
Norty: This concept doesn’t even make me laugh…..it actually brings the mood down…
Kern: The commissioner could come in at the end of the fight to save the day! Naturally, his name is Deus X. Machina. He’s Greek.
Norty: I’m glad you’re having such fun with it, though. I can’t WAIT until the day comes with definite news on Rambo…
Kern: Cripes. Since we’re bringing up dated Stallone vehicles, why not go whole hog? Demolition Man 2! Oscar 2! It’ll be fabulous!
Norty: Okay Kern – moving ON now.
Ben Affleck is Superman – Sort of
Ben Affleck has landed the coveted role of George Reeves in his biopic, Truth, Justice and the American Way. The title refers to the motto of DC Comic character Superman, whom Reeves portrayed on TV in the 1950s. Diane Lane will join Affleck in the picture as Toni Mannix, a studio executive’s wife who may or may not have been romantically involved with the actor…..more
Norty: Ha. Ha HA! Affleck has TALENT and someone else recognizes it!
Kern: Yeah … Because i’m sure it’ll take a lot of TALENT to portray a muscle-bound addict who has a disastrous relationship with somebody in the business…
Norty: Well, they didn’t cast Keanu did they? So obviously the actor needs to be able to display some range.
Kern: They’re saving him for the next Superman biopic. You know, the one where all they need is a guy who can sit in a wheelchair and drool?
Kern: i … i kinda feel bad about that last one. i’m sorry.
Norty: Ouch…..and you think Keanu could do that well?
Kern: My apologies to all of the actors who can drool much more convincingly than Keanu.
Norty: Which is pretty much everyone – do you think the man could act like he’s supposed to be in a wheel chair?
Kern: i’m sure he could play a convincing wheelchair…
Norty: I doubt it. And Affleck is underrated – he was good once, he could be good again. No one is giving the man a chance….
Producer Still Plans on Another Alexander
Producer Dino De Laurentiis has told the Italian press that he stills intends to go ahead with the Alexander the Great movie he and Baz Luhrmann had planned. More….
Kern: Now how can i say no to Dino? He produced DUNE. i say “Best Alexander Film Ever” even before it’s shot.
Norty: Heh….a bit biased eh Kern? But really, after the crap that was put in theaters, ANYONE could make a better Alexander film right now. Even Paul Anderson couldn’t ruin something that bad….
Kern: Paul W.S. Because, according to him, people often mistake him for one of the Andersons with TALENT.
Norty: Right. My bad. But I’m sure everyone would know the Anderson I speak of. You know, the one that sucks the life out of movies with even a hint of soul.
Kern: …yeah, because if somebody else had made Mortal Kombat, it would’ve had soul.
Norty: Well, I was thinking more along the Resident Evil line….
Kern: Yeah, that Aliens vs. Predator was just ITCHING to be made into a tender, Merchant Ivory love story. Too bad W.S. totally went all commercial with it.
Norty: Wait….I meant soul as in something good. Not necessarily a love story. I think you missed me point….
Kern: Yeah, too bad, W.S. couldn’t find a way to make A VIDEO GAME MOVIE into a life-affirming, coming-of-age story!
Norty: What…..are you talking about?
Kern: You baggin’ on W.S. because he sucks the soul out of movies. i don’t hate him because he sucks life out of movies, i hate him because the movies he chooses don’t have life in them to begin with. Although, let’s be perfectly honest here… he does have sex with Milla Jovovich. And that does not suck. That does not suck one bit.
Norty: Wait – so you think this guy might have talent but just chooses bad pictures?
Kern: Well, there was most of a good movie swimming around in Event Horizon…
Kern: …but really it’s just about that fact that he bangs Milla Jovovich.
Norty: Ha. Yeah. Okay Kerny. Whatever you say. Anyway, I have faith this Alexander movie will be much better. That’s the bottom line here.
Star Trek 11 on Track
The Enterprise hasn’t gone on its final voyage, at least not yet. According to Variety, a Star Trek 11 will indeed be happening, with Rick Berman, Jordan Kerner and Kerry McCluggage developing, and Eric Genderson signed as writer. According to Berman, the new film will feature entirely new characters – folks that haven’t been seen in the TV world before.
Kern: Speaking of franchises with no soul…
Norty: Thank Berman. As a semi-trekkie – that son of a bitch ruined a cash cow and an amazing show. May he burn….
Kern: Heh … You’ve got vulcan ears don’t you? YOU’RE WEARING THEM NOW, AREN’T YOU?
Norty: No. Semi Kern, semi. Read what I write now and then chief. But any fan of a show beaten, battered, bruised and then pissed on when it’s down….like Berman and Trek….Its just sad.
Kern: i am a DS9 fan and i’ve disavowed any and all connections with any other Trek-related endeavor. Except Wrath of Khan. Because Ricardo Montablan is THE SHIZZLE.
Norty: You mean post DS9?
Kern: Oh, if only Tattoo had been there… Khan woulda laid some BEEF down on Kaarrrrrk! i mean all of it. Star Trek is Pollyanna in space at its best and T.J. Hooker in space at its worst.
Norty: Okay then….
Carrey and Jolie to Team Up
Jim Carrey and Angelina Jolie may star in an untitled romantic comedy for Universal Pictures. The script would be based on a pitch by Gina Wendkos (The Perfect Man), who will write the idea based on Carrey and Jolie’s desire to work together. No details have been released concerning just what he pitch may be about.
Norty: I love the Carrey – I’d be interested to see what kind of comedic show he could put on with Jolie.
Kern: Gee, maybe he could talk out of his asshole again.
Norty: You need to let that go and recognize the current talent and bulk of other works….
Kern: Oh, you mean like the Grinch? Boy, wasn’t he restrained in that piece…
Norty: Kiddie film. Look harder.
Kern: Oh, you mean, like Dumb and Dumber? Or Liar Liar? Oh, hey, he certainly showed a lot of depth in Me, Myself and Irene! He played two characters in that!
Norty: Liar Liar comes to mind, yes. As does Bruce Almighty.
Kern: Three minutes of sitcom-style self-revelation at the tail end of 87 minutes of fart jokes does not equal quality filmmaking, i’m sorry.
Norty: Fart jokes? I think you’ve got the wrong set of films and actor in mind. Not EVERY film is like that. I bring up Eternal Sunshine…
Kern: The last time i got rave reviews for a “dramatic” Carrey role was for the Truman Show. And he was about as believable in that as Rob Van Winkle trying to do nu metal…
Norty: It’s like talking to a wall here….the least you could do is pass on the bashing to Jolie…
Kern: No. For i love Angelina Jolie. She wants to have my babies. She told me so while i was watching Sky Captain. Right near the end there when they’re in those submarine boats, just before they cut away, i saw her mouth, “J. Kern. I want you babies.”
Norty: *Sigh* Yes….she sure did….
Kern: SHE SAID IT.
Norty: OKAY!
Kim Basinger to Play Wonder Woman
Kim Basinger is producer Joel Silver’s first-choice to play Wonder Woman in the forthcoming pic, according to The New York Post. More…….
Kern: Can you say MILF?
Norty: No. I cannot. You really find her to be MILF material?
Kern: i would not kick her out of the Batcave, if you know what i’m saying…
Norty: Me either, but there are plenty that I would invite down there first….including the lovely Ms. Biel. And I just don’t picture a MILF as Wonder Woman.
Kern: Yeah, Jessica Biel could play Wonder Woman. And maybe she could be all modern and fight crime with her iPodâ?¢ around her neck!
Norty: Well, chalk that up to the terrible script/direction/plot device. If they want ANY success with WW at all…..I dunno. Lose the MILF and the iPod.
Norty: Though, Apple may have a nice new commercial on their hands….
Kern: Wonder Woman is a disaster waiting to happen. Of course, every major superhero had their Era of Embarrasment to live down (Batman’s 60s show, Spiderman’s Electric Company appearances) – but they still were inherently cool. Wonder Woman’s power is a magic string and an invisible jet that makes her look like she’s taking a crap in midair.
Norty: How do you market that to any audience besides the 17-25 year old male demographic? And even now most of them want quality in film…
Kern: …are you kidding me? You think a 17-25 year old needs any other reason to see a movie than that it has tits in it? i’m not saying it’ll tank at the box office – it’s gonna make a mine. i’m saying it’s gonna be a pit of half-baked ideas and cockamamie situations devised to cram as many shots of her heaving, sweaty bosom as is humanly possible.
Norty: Just another reason not to put Basinger in the…..err, suit.
Kern: i just think she’d class up the joint a bit. Besides, crossover film? Bats / WW? Keaton and Basinger back together again?
Norty: Keaton?
Kern: Yes. Buster Keaton. He played Batman back in the silent era.
Norty: Wha….How…?
Kern: Senior citizen talk. Move along.
Norty: O…kay…
Christopher Walken to Team with Adam Sandler
Christopher Walken will join Adam Sandler’s new film Click for Sony/Columbia Pictures and Revolution Studios, according to Variety. Juan Jose Campanella will direct off a script by Steve Koren and Mark O’Keefe (Bruce Almighty). The picture centers around a workaholic architect who finds a mysterious universal remote that allows him to fast-forward and rewind to different parts of his life. He finds himself in a dilemma when the remote begins to overrule his choices. Walken will play a man who gives Sandler the remote.
Norty: I can feel the wrath of Kern bubbling already, but I ask you to keep an open mind…..it could be good. Walken is the man and Sandler CAN be funny.
Kern: So … it’s Bruce Almighty with another worthless comedian who thinks flatulence and being loud are the same thing as being funny.
Kern: i.
Kern: can’t.
Kern: WAIT.
Norty: I fail to see the point of your sarcasm. Must you discount every comedic work before it comes to fruition?
Kern: Yes. Why? Because i’m always right. I find that hard to believe…
Kern: Movies whose main premise would barely be enough to fill out a six minute sketch on the last half-hour of SNL do NOT, i repeat, do NOT make quality full-length features.
Norty: But they do tend to be fun and good for some laughs
Kern: You expect me to plunk down ten bucks to spend an hour and a half in a theater for six minutes of laughs? Unless the movie comes with a free blowjob, I’LL PASS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Norty: *Sigh* Like talking to a wall…
Kern: Hey, if i had to choose between being a wall and having your taste in comedies? You a big America’s Funniest Home Videos fan?
Norty: Back when I was a young kid, sure. We’d sit around as a family and watch. Good times.
Kern: i can’t believe they took lead out of paint, but they still don’t realize what AFV does to little kids… Goddamn shame, it is…
Norty: What are your top three comedies?
Kern: The Big Lebowsi. Bottle Rocket. Monty Python’s Life of Brian.
Norty: Ah, a Python fan. Well, that’s interesting.
Kern: …
Norty: Nothing. Just gives me an…..insight…..on your taste and where your hatred of all things Sandler/Carrey comes from.
Kern: Yeah. i like to use my brain. i’m ever so sorry for being intelligent.
Norty: Ha. Your brain…..hahaha. You should do improv. You’d be GREAT at it. Or maybe stand up.
Kern: Sweet Iesu. i feel my IQ dropping when i talk to you, do you realize that? It’s this palpable sensation of dumbing … like someone turned on a spigot attached to my brain stem.
Norty: I see – my taste makes you feel dumb eh? How DO you survive in this land we call movie?
Kern: Cigarettes and coffee. Lots of coffee.
John Travolta to Star in Hairspray
John Travolta is close to starring as Edna Turnblad in the updated movie version of the Broadway hit, Hairspray, according to Variety. Jack O’Brien and choreographer Jerry Mitchell will make their feature directing debuts.More……
Kern: So … they’re doing a remake of a musical that’s a remake of a movie that’s not even twenty years old?
Norty: Seems that way.
Kern: i honestly thought Hollywood couldn’t get any more creatively bankrupt…. It seems the time is right for me to pitch my new movie! It’s the story of … uh … a pack of cigarettes!
Norty: …..
Kern: Aaaand … uh … a box of cookies from Trader Joes! They, erm… They go on a quest for……a Game Cube! On the way, they face many dangers … such as … a bass amp! And a poker chip set! Aaaand … a Sharpie pen!
Norty: Stop talking.
Kern: You like that? i just came up with that. Used things lying nearby me. And you know what? STILL BETTER THAN ANY ADAM SANDLER MOVIE.
Norty: Oh yeah. Much better. I can see the awards piling up in your room. No one would stand a chance….
Kern: Or a remake of a remake of a John Waters movie. Especially if it means seeing Travolta in drag.YES! The pack of cigarettes and the cookies go on a quest for awards! i’m sure i could get Paul W.S. to helm…
Norty: Well, do you actually want a good movie? Might as was helm it yourself as opposed to him…
Kern: Sorry. i’m spent with the effort of creating the pitch. i have nothing left to devote to a script … or directing … JUST LIKE ANY ADAM SA- okay, i’m done.
Norty: Thank God…
News on Silence of the Lambs Prequel
Actress Gong Li has been cast in the Red Dragon and Silence of the Lambs prequel, The Lecter Variation, which takes a snapshot of the murderous Hannibal Lector in his younger years. More…..
Kern: Well, naturally, Gong Li is the first person i think of when i think of … uh … Hannibal, uh…. What the hell were they thinking of again? Woops! My bad. If Dino says, that’s good enough for me!
Norty: Meh – Was never big into the Hannibal thing at any point, so I don’t care one way or another, really.
Kern: Silence is a classic and Anthony Hopkins is in the heezee fo sheezee, no doubt.
Norty: I agree with the latter, and I just….never cared about the former. Even as a horror fan, I’ve never seen it in its entierty….
Kern: Why … am i not surprised?
Norty: You tell me.
Kern: Too busy watching Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo on Comedy Central to be bothered, were you?
Norty: Not quite. I think it just slipped under my radar and I never cared enough to put it back on it.
Kern: i hope you never end up at NORAD. “Norton, what’s that on the screen? It looks large and missile-like.” “Eh, probably just some birds.” ::thermonuclear explosion::
Norty: Hey now, I’m responsible with a lot of things. I don’t think it’s fair to compare missing the man-eatter with missing the end of the world…..
Kern: Well, surely. i imagine Jim Carrey will somehow be involved with the end of the world (i’m sure he’ll release a watchable movie around then – whether its release will be directly implicated in said apocalypse remains to be seen) – how could you miss that?
Norty: I guess there was always……something else on? I do remember picking The Shining over it, once….
Kern: Which version?
Norty: The original, Nicholson version.
Kern: Eh … can’t fault a man for that.
Norty: And porn. Passed it up for porn once too.
Trailer of the Week
Unfortunately, in my failure to put a column together on time, I forgot about the trailer of the week until the last minute. It would have been A Scanner Darkly, and I did manage to get a few Pulse writer’s thoughts on it:
Jon “Finally, The Bieda has come back….” Bieda:: You know, reciting science fiction rhetoric in a relentlessly monotone voice seems to be Keanu Reeves’ specialty. With that aside, this movie contains one of the most fascinating visual schemes that I have ever run across (although I have my doubts as to how “watchable” this style will be after a two-hour sitting). Philip K. Dick’s totalitarian view of the future has always intrigued me, & (if this trailer is any indication), we are all in for one hell of a cinematic mindf*ck later this year. Who would’ve ever thought that the director of “Dazed & Confused” would find a way to pull that off?
Mike “It Shoulda Been ME, Norty” McCullar: This looks incredibly intriguing. Richard Linklater’s Waking Life was a groundbreaking piece of animation that was criminally overlooked by the public, who’d rather see fish pretending to be gangstas and gangsters. Well, with Keanu Reeves attached, maybe this will generate the proper amount of interest. Toss in a Philip K. Dick story, which almost always translates well to the big screen, and we have the makings of a helluva film. The pedigree is so strong that maybe it will be enough to counteract the suck that is Keanu.
Reviews We Sit Through – For You!
The Merchant of Venice – You’d think Pacino + Shakespeare = golden film, but not this time. Arturo tells you why you should wait for this one to hit the ole rental shelf.
Constantine – What happens when you let a Keanu fan review a Keanu movie? Well, some would say you’d get a far from unbiased review, but Campbell swears up and down he’s legit on this. Many others were pretty disappointed. Read him and decide for yourself where you might stand.
Sky Blue – Arturo covers some kick-ass looking South Korean anime. Personally, I need plot exposition in all my films, anime included, but for those that don’t, this will probably be a great flick for them. Check out his review to find out all you need to know.
Bride & Prejudice – Arturo again covers a film many probably haven’t heard about. And the result is the same as above – another fantastic flick, definitely worth your time to check out. And Aishwarya Rai? Me-ow.
Son of the Mask – Should have seen this one coming – Arturo covers too many good films and gets stuck with one of the worst to come down the pipe in a long time. He gave this film a zero people – A ZERO. ‘Nuf said.
The Woodsman – Ryan Closs is here to tell you about what he calls ‘an incredible film’ that will make you think. That’s always a plus, and considering the subject matter of the film, pedophilia, and the fact Closs gives it a 9 is enough for me to be interested in checking it out sometime. Maybe you should, too.
On DVD
Saw – Back in the day, I originally was very pleased when I watched Saw. Then I saw Se7en and if I reviewed it now, I probably wouldn’t be as nice to it as McCullar is in his review. McCullar isn’t very nice to it, either, so that should tell you something.
The Notebook – What did every girl that I know want their boyfriend to buy them for Valentines Day? Yupp, this movie. Travis Leamons is here to tell you all about its greatness and why hopeless romantics love it.
Shark Tale – McCullar doesn’t get to have any fun this week, it seems, as he gets to review this boring as heck film. Will Smith is great, but he can’t carry an animated film by himself. Go rent or buy Finding Nemo instead – but don’t take my word for it, read Michaelangelo’s in-depth review.
We Even Do Columns!
Incredibly quick run through this week. These guys deserve better and I’ll make it up to them
Brad Torreano returns with Mondo Culto XIV. You can always expect him to deliver the goods, and it’s no different this week. He focuses on the heavy metal horror film, as I get educated AND entertained. You will too.
I don’t need to tell you to read J. Kern and laugh your behind off, because odds are you will anyway. This week the DMR sits down with Elektra. Kern loves his Garner – how will that effect his review? Hillariously, of course.
I’d just like to take a moment and announce to everyone the triumphant return of Jon Bieda! Mr. Movie vs Film is back! We missed you Jon – I missed you. **Ahem** Bieda takes us on a nice cross-over trip with his return column, putting Minority Report and Clerks up against each other. Who do you think wins? The answer might surprise you…
Mike McCullar puts the Oscar spin on his Perfect Flick column this week, giving you his The Top Ten Least Deserving Best PictureWinners. I agree – I found myself in agreement with a lot of his picks (But not all – I am a Gump fan forever). Minus a little lack of elaboration, a nice column. ***Told you I’m short on time – not one McCullar shot in here. THAT should tell you something***
I write about trailers in a new column called What a Tease!. I’m trying to make it your one stop trailer shop. Check it out for new trailers, upcoming films, dvds, and more. **I don’t like to pimp myself…**
Rob Sutten is going to be taking his column in a new direction, a very….Spielberg-ish direction. He starts his journey to War with a look at Spielberg and the Oscars. Fans of Spielberg will probably know where his column is going, but it’s quite a read for new-comers and fans as well. Check out R0BTRAIN’s Bad Ass Cinema for some great insight into one of the best directors of our time, and his luck with the Oscars.
Last, but certainly not least, our new Features guy Brendan Campbell previews this weekend’s box office. He’s also going to review Cursed sometime very soon, so take pity on him and read him (And take pity on yourselves and avoid the movie).
The End
That wraps things up this week. Again, my apologizes for phoning it in and being pretty late. I promise to work harder next week, maybe fix my time management skills a little bit, and try not to let this happen again.
Oh, and another huge thanks to all the readers for picking me as their favorite. Much appreciated.
Until next time…..
