The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #83

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Red Bull energy drink. It gives you wiiiiiiiings!

On a related topic, I f*cking hate Jager Bombs. I think they are an abomination and whoever invented them should be hit by a truck. Of course, both Jagermeister and Red Bull are doing record sales since the introduction of this novelty “shot,” but it goes without saying that each are much better when taken separately, kind of like ketchup and vanilla ice cream. Plus, a large majority of the people that I see doing them act as if it’s a hardcore-as-f*ck shot, slamming the glass down as if they just downed a pint of Jameson. Not exactly. It tastes like somewhere between root beer and Hawaiian Punch, and goes down just as easily. So, if you drink them because you like Jagermeister, then drink Jagermeister. It’s a wonderful shot on its own. If you drink them because you like Red Bull and/or need a pick-me-up at the bar, get Red Bull on the rocks. It’s much more refreshing. And finally, if you do them because you think they are a great shot, try a shot of Maker’s Mark instead (with a lime if you’re not much into the taste of whiskey), and if you insist on a shot that requires a shot glass to be dropped into a pint glass, try an Irish car bomb instead.

What does the InsidePulse staff think about Jager Bombs…? Yay, or nay?

Mathan Erhardt: Well since I don’t drink, I’m gonna go with “nay.” Besides I hear that stuff puts hair on your chest.

Gloomchen: All you had to say was Jager. DELICIOUS.

Shawn M. Smith: As a “German” man, I find it necessary that every man, woman, and child LOVES Jagermeister. I love it, and it could be in anything, even a freaking popsicle, and I will consume it. Ssquared says “yeah!”

Eugene Tierney: I wouldn’t say that I like them, but if I have enough to drink beforehand, I will drink them.

Matthew Michael: Jager… isn’t that the liquor made of deer blood? Or is that horse blood? NEIGH!

Daniels: Jager is good in bombs… I prefer them in car bomb goodness, though.

Michaelangelo McCullar: You think beer goggles are bad? Try Jaeger goggles. I’m not even going to begin to describe what you’ll wake up next to…

Rob Blatt: Jaeger and Rock Star energy drink. mmmmmmmmmm…. I call it a guitar solo.

J. Kern: The first thing you need to know is that I have a 3-foot high inflatable Jager bottle, so you KNOW I’m down with the deer. That being said, Jager is not a mixer. What? I said, “JAGER IS NOT A MIXER”.

And Red Bull? Red Bull is an abomination foisted upon the American people by advertising executives drunk with power…

“I dare you to waggle your balls outside the window!”
“Oh, yeah? I dare you to give your wife you mistress’ cell number!”
“Ha! I dare you to reintroduce Jolt Cola. But HERE’S the catch: it has to taste like a bum pissing on a cinnamon-flavored fire hydrant!”
“That’s nothing! I dare you to get good box office for the Herbie, the Love Bug remake now that Lindsay Lohan’s had her breast reduction.”
“Way to ruin the game, dick.”

So, uh … nay.

Shaun Norton: Meh….. I’ll take a flaming Dr. Pepper over a Jager Bomb any day…. Nay – but only because of the much better alternatives….

Kurtis Osterlund: I’ll take a fifth of Yukon Jack instead. -Nay


Here are some rumors, which may or may not turn out to true, about my fellow music columnists…

That_Bootleg_Guy‘s birth name is not Aaron Cameron; it is, in fact, Reginald Kenneth Dwight. That’s right, Aaron Cameron is actually Elton John. You heard it here first.

Shawn M. Smith once accidentally called an ex-girlfriend “Mom” during sex. True story.

Back in high school, Mathan Erhardt was known as “Tuna Melt Lover,” because he used to always order tuna melts during lunch. Kids can be so cruel…

Michael Chadwick invented White-Out. However, the mother of Former Monkee Michael Nesmith, who is officially credited with the invention, won the patent in a bet after Chadwick betted against the Harlem Globetrotters.

D’Estroyer always cries at the end of Monsters, Inc. You heard it here first.

Gloomchen and Mike Eagle are the same person. That person is actually Ashish in a blonde wig.

Other AWESOME things to read…

Andy Campbell, Sarah Graves, and That_Bootleg_Guy take part in our ongoing Yes, I Really Own This feature.

Reviews for Motley Crue and Bloc Party


Brian “Head” Welch has left hard rock band Korn, with whom he has played guitar for over 10 years, after a recent religious awakening that has seen him become a born-again Christian. Welch made the announcement last Sunday on a Bakersfield, California, radio station, stating that “[a]nger is a good thing, and if kids want to listen to Korn, good, but there’s happiness after the anger. I’m going to show it through my actions how much I love my fans.” He added that he would be speaking at a nearby Pentecostal church this Sunday in order to field any questions and speak about his change of life. Welch’s former bandmates stated on the band’s Web site that they support and respect his wishes, and wish him the best in his search for happiness. We here at The Saturday Swindle Sheet also wish Head the best in his pursuit of spiritual enlightenment, and hope that Fred Durst follows suit and retires from his band as well.

Just weeks after Houston gouged his eyeball out (and I thought that it was Whitney Houston), the real Whitney Houston became ill on an airliner and was rushed to a nearby medical center after the plane landed in its destination of Paris. Her publicist told reporters that the singer had contracted gastroenteritis (which is believed to have come about from having ingested contaminated food) before or while on the flight, and began vomiting severely. Once at the Paris hospital, she was treated in the emergency room for dehydration and later released.

Gastroenteritis is the inflammation of the stomach and intestines.

According to Geffen Records, Blink-182 has gone on an “indefinite hiatus,” and its members do not plan to record together again. The press release added, “While there is no set plan for the band to begin working together again, no one knows what tomorrow may bring…” Fortunately, most of the teenage girls who would have cared about this have grown up and moved on to obsessing over either Weezer, Bright Eyes, and/or Death Cab for Cutie, so everything is okay… for now.

Fat Joe recently told New York radio station Hot 97 that he thinks 50 Cent is a “coward” who is “scared of his own shadow” and “likes to create hype.” He said his statements were in response to 50 Cent’s upcoming track, “Piggy Bank,” in which the rapper states what he calls “facts,” although a lot of what he says can easily be taken as “disses,” with lyrics like “That fat nigga thought ‘Lean Back’ was ‘In Da Club’/ My shit sold 11 mil, his shit was a dud/ Jada, don’t f*ck with me if you want to eat/ ‘Cause I’ll do your little ass like Jay did Mobb Deep … Kelis says her milkshake bring all the boys to the yard/ Then Nas went and tattooed the bitch on his arm.” Joe added that he had never harbored any hard feelings against 50 Cent before the unprovoked attack, and said that 50 is such a scumbag that he would be surprised if he recorded a diss track against Eminem. “Them steroids is getting to him,” Fat Joe chided. “He ain’t built like that. These dudes is hilarious to me. I also think 50 Cent looks like a rhinoceros.” Hey, I do realize that I retired those 50 Cent jokes, but if Fat Joe said it, it is my duty as a journalist to report it.

Quick Bits

Madonna has filed a lawsuit against, Darlene Lutz, her art consultant, over $265,000 that she says she is owed after Lutz sold one of her paintings and supposedly breached a contract agreement that the two had.

Modern rock band The Jayhawks broke up.

The NAACP has announced that it will honor The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince But Now Once Again Known As Prince with the prestigious Vanguard Award at its Image Awards on March 19th.



Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.


Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

Maxwell, “W/as My Girl”
Bjork, “Army of Me”
A Tribe Called Quest, “Description of a Fool” (Groove Armada Mx)
Atari Teenage Riot, “Fuck All!”
Shirley Bassey, “Diamonds Are Forever”
Henry Mancini, “Lujon”
U2, “I Will Follow”
Mousse T. vs. Hot ‘n’ Juicy, “Horny”
Scorpions, “No One Like You”
INXS, “Never Tear Us Apart”
Warrant, “Cherry Pie”
Bruce Springsteen, “Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)”
Johnny Hates Jazz, “Shattered Dreams”
Hey Mercedes, “The Frowning of a Lifetime”
LaBelle, “Lady Marmalade”
Neil Diamond, “America”
First Choice, “Let No Man Put Asunder”
Prince Alla, “Bucket Bottom”
Chicago, “Saturday in the Park”
Rancid, “Life Won’t Wait”
The Verve, “Bittersweet Symphony”
Concrete Blonde, “Joey”


Imprisoned rapper C-Murder, who has been in a Louisiana prison for over three years for having shot and killed a 16-year-old at a New Orleans nightclub, will be releasing a new album on March 22nd, called The Truest Shit I Ever Said. Now, he’s received some backlash from Jefferson Parish Sheriff Harry Lee after the sheriff found out that the video for the single “Y’all Heard of Me” contains footage of C-Murder in jail. Lee found out about the video when he was approached by The Associated Press, who wanted to interview the rapper and told him about the upcoming video. He added that he had never granted C-Murder permission to record an album while behind bars, and said that he had been “tricked,” as Court TV and a local cable-access program had received permission to film the rapper. However, Lee did not give permission for the footage to be used for commercial purposes (read: music video), as it was passed on.

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I knew I was the man with the master plan to make you wiggle and jiggle like gelatin.