The Midnight News 02.28.05

Hello Stalkers. I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News! No letters this week… not a single one. Can’t blame ya’, really. Last week’s column sucked HUGE… UGH, it was wretched. I couldn’t even read it.

I think I stole enough material from other sources to make this week’s offering much better… starting with starting things off with a popular segment from my semi-every-so-often Thursday column….

WHO SPOILED THE SMACKDOWN??

Luckily… there isn’t too much REAL news to squawk about… so I can do this, some opinionating, and then get into non-rasslin’ topics! Don’t like this? Go suck Meltzer’s cock… like ALL the fanboys do!

So, I’m wondering, why CAN’T I monitor who got LAST week’s Smackdown spoilers up first… even if it IS a week ago? It’s just an excuse to goof on people, which I am applauded for anyway!

And just because I’m too busy to do a Thursday column does NOT mean that some people can get away with the bullshit they get away with during the CRUCIAL time frame when Smackdown spoilers are available. I mean, what self-respecting webmaster doesn’t stare at his e-mail box just WAITING for some asshole to front him the spoilers so he can get them up in a timely fashion? THIS IS THE IWC, PEOPLE!!! EVERY SECOND COUNTS!!!

So who ruined the show first last week?

TUESDAY February 22, 2005: 11:18 PM: That no good cocksucker Mike Johnson, of PW Insider, brags that some rat named ASHLEY COLTON didn’t just e-mail him the results before midnight, she CALLED him!! Sack of lies, I say!

Listen to the kids at PWInsider brag about what a great bunch of “reporters” they are. I swear, if you buy into their bullshit, you’ll start thinking that Scherer and Johnson could find Bin Ladin all by themselves…

Ashley Colt on HA! She’s a horse f*cker!

TUESDAY February 22, 2005: no time given: Inside Pulse’s “Mathew Micheal” HAULS ASS to be the FIRST to steal the PWInsider spoilers and pop it on IP. Because none of you, not even the lowest form of f*ckhead, deserves to deal with that PWInsider bullshit! GREAT JOB MATT!!

But I ain’t going anywhere near “Moodspins”, so don’t even ask.

WEDNESDAY February 23, 2005: 01:08 AM: After being humiliated for WEEKS with oh so late spoilers (that is, on the weeks they even BOTHERED to post them), Calvin Martin and THE LORDS OF PAIN sneak past mom & dad as they watch Skinemax and indulge in middle aged hanky panky on the couch and sneak up the spoilers, more than likely off Inside Pulse but they’ll never cop to it… instead making up a “source” and calling him “PharmerDempsey”… YEAH, what douchebag is going to call himself “PharmerDempsey”? That’s almost as lame as someone naming himself after a bug that lives on the assholes of dogs!

WEDNESDAY February 23, 2005: 01:29 AM: Meltzer, that juiced up, kermit the frog sounding, playing-marks-like-the-master-puppeteer lovemonkey swallows Royce Gracies spunk and pops up the spoilers, supplied to him by Observer Loyalist, Mark Myers. I wonder if Meltzer has looked into having Scherer and Johnson killed? There HAS to be a few mean, bitter, broke ass ex-rasslers/or ultimate fighters who would do it on the cheap.

Meltzer was beat by Inside Pulse AND The Lords of Pain! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA HE’S A TOOL!!!

WEDNESDAY February 23, 2005: 03:04 AM: CHRISTMAS COMES EARLY as Wade Keller decides to roll off his boyfriend and check his e-mail! My God, someone actually bothered to submit a Smackdown Spoiler report within reasonable time… NOT three days after the f*cking SHOW, as is usual for the Torch!!

Happily…. Wade credits “Loyal Torch Reader Mark Myers” for the spoilage… the SAME Mark Myers who also whored his ass out to Meltzer! Uh oh… is he an Observer loyalist or a Torch fanatic?? PICK A SIDE, MARK!! PICK A DADDY!!!

“Mark”… heh, boy, his parents named HIM right! Asshole. HA!.

WEDNESDAY February 23, 2005: no time given: 411’s Ashish finally wakes up and steals from PWInsider before heading off to work. See, Ashish has a REAL job in the REAL world and sometimes needs to PRIORITIZE! I always liked Ashish, even tho’ he was pretty much humorless.

WEDNESDAY February 23, 2005: 08:22:42 AM: 1wrestlingcom… you know, that site run by JOEY STYLES, BILL APTER, andbobryderbutgoodluckfindinghisnameanywhereonthesite… that HUGE SITE RUN BY HUGE NAMES!!! Yeah, they showed up… eventually…. deadass last…

Heh… Apter and Styles… not a shred of testosterone between them.

So that’s it… pretty tight race… all the biggies had the spoilers up before 9 am. Not bad work.

I’m sure it won’t last!

Meanwhile, RAW is in Providence tonight… my area… 20 minutes away. No, I’m not going. Don’t look for me.

ALL HELL IS ABOUT TO BREAK LOOSE

Nevermind the steroids.

Nevermind the rampant drug use.

Nevermind the dwindling houses

Nevermind the ratings, the contract renewals, TNA, or Vince’s physical condition…

I can tell, something is about to erupt within the WWE, something that, if not contained soon, will make the steroid trials from 12 years ago seem like romper room.

It started with Amy Webber, and getting her chops busted for that Japanese Strip Club controversy…

THEN… we find out that her exiting the company probably also involves some sort of “incident” with Randy Orton…

WHO… we find out is pretty much a world class rat hound who enjoys taking pictures of his conquests (which you KNOW means he has videotape too… which you KNOW means SOMEONE will download it for our Internet viewing pleasure… which you MAY start hoping that one of these tapes MIGHT involve Keibler… which will send most of you scampering to your bedrooms with your pants sliding down your legs after about 10 seconds of thinking about this)

SO… although nothing has been outright SAID… the pesky rumors suggest that Orton was strongly… errm… “inappropriate” with Webber, who clearly thinks her shit doesn’t stink enough to bang a RASSLER. (she has done “Son of the Beach” after all).

IN ANY CASE, Webber is said to be consdiering a lawsuit… and word is the WWE management is nervous.

FURTHERMORE… the Torch’s Wade Keller… who knows how to report something without pissing off anyone in the biz made THIS frustratingly vague news report:

One of the reasons John Laurenaitis has heat is he insisted that a married wrestler end his relationship with a female worker in WWE. The relationship had become more than a “fling,” but because the male wrestler is married, Laurenaitis apparently felt it was his place to step in. He threatened to move them to separate brands to keep them apart and said the wrestler wouldn’t be allowed to leave his wife. This male wrestler complained to Vince McMahon about Laurenaitis overstepping his bounds and interfering in personal business which, to that point, hadn’t shown signs of affecting their professional duties…

WHO might Wade be speaking of? Well, I can’t say… but I have reason to believe the wrestler in question is a Raw guy who just got RE-married a few months ago… and the girl is a recent hire… because the veteran Divas have pretty much mastered the art of discretion.

THEN, I have heard a VERY gossipy rumor that ANOTHER married Raw guy is sneaking around with Christie Hemme… and… well, if THIS is true and HIS wife is unaware… well, let’s just say that if this guy gets caught you people will have something to gab on about on the boards for… oh, I’d say FOREVER.

And this is just after these new girls have been on for couple of months. Shit is already getting started. Imagine what’s gonna happen within this next YEAR if left unchecked

Throw a bunch of stacked, young, horny hotties with no experience in a wrestling locker room (and no experience with wrestling politics) in a room with a bunch of amped up, juiced, wild, ID-Fueled young athletes and put them in an enviornment where the only thing they are required to do is show up at the next gig dressed semi-professional… with management never really caring HOW they get there or HOW they conduct themselves in the meantime and what do YOU think is gonna happen?

Give it a year… this is going to EXPLODE people. All SORTS of sordid nonsense is about to happen.

Hell, it’s happening already.

And it’s gonna be HUGE.

HOT HOLLYWOOD SHENANIGANS!!

I WAS gonna do a whole Oscar thing… but I fell asleep through most of it. So, instead…

Here’s a funny picture of Hilary Duff with a condom in her purse

I know this is late, but for those who never saw it, and here’s the site with all the Paris Hilton hacked Sidekick info. Look for the pic of a topless Paris making out with some chick.. Be cool, tho… the front page of this stuff has some graphic pics of penises and other pornographic mishegaas. Don’t look if it’ll get you in trouble.

The funniest thing about Paris’s address list is that somehow, for some f*cked up reason, she has STEPHEN KING on her phone/e-mail list…. can you imagine if King got into THOSE panties?

I’m sure one of you will send me the link to the Fred Durst video… so I can fully REVIEW it, of course.

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*Turtles can breathe through their butts.*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were… however long it took your slow ass to read this.

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

Imagine if girls could breathe through their asses (many of them TALK through them as it is), imagine blowjobs where they don’t have to pull out for air…. oh what a wonderful world that would be… heaven.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

The 77th Academy Awards?

There was so much black on my screen I thought the TV was unplugged. Was that the Oscars or the welfare line?

Flea: Who can’t WAIT to get his daughter started on cigarettes.

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. PureseoFagola, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a supporter of Rob Feinstein too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

He will have a strong hand in booking the WWE’s “ECW” PPV, which will go a long way to cover for Paul Heyman’s absense!

THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU” STARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

I’d like to see him work against the Sandman, just to time which one of them milks their entrance the longest!

DOING LINES… CAUGHT ON FILM

In honor of the Oscar telecast… oh, who am I kidding? I’m putting up anything and everything I can find in my files here…

01): I’m leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.

Well why didn’t you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my assThe Long Kiss Goodnight

02): I’m gonna be the new Cinderella at Walt Disney’s new theme park. Suzanna’s gonna be Snow White. You can come if you want. You can be the Cocker Spaniel that eats spaghetti.Girl Interrupted

03): You want to get Capone? Here’s how you get Capone. He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue! THAT’S the Chicago way!The Untouchables

04): Colonel… that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.
That’s private property.

Colonel! Can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life, and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That’s what the bullets are for, you twit!

Okay. I’m gonna get your money for ya. But if you don’t get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what’s gonna happen to you?

What?

You’re gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.Dr. Strangelove

05): Wendy, let me explain something to you. Whenever you come in here and interrupt me, you’re breaking my concentration. You’re distracting me.

And it will then take me time to get back to where I was. You understand?

Yeah.

Now, we’re going to make a new rule. When you come in here and you hear me typing…

[types]

…or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?

Yeah.

Good. Now why don’t you start right now and get the f*ck out of here? Hm?The Shining

06): Have you lost your mind?

According to my last psych evaluation, yes.Con Air

07): Gimme the bag…

Watch it dipshit, you wanna rip the f*cking bag.

Gimme that bag before I knock you out and take it.

Okay take it. Jesus, what’s wrong with you?

I’m carrying it.

Okay, you got it. Just take a chill pill for Christ’s sake.

Fuck you with your chill pill.Jackie Brown

08): We’re flying?

Would you rather drive?

You’re askin’ me?

Would you rather fly or would you rather drive?

So, I finally get to decide something?

That’s what I’m saying.

Fine. Fly there, drive back.

That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard of. How the hell we gonna do that?

You said it was up to me.Million Dollar Baby

09): The waiter brought me my entree, it was a salad. It was Lloyd’s head on a plate of spinach, with his penis sticking out of his ear. And, I said, “I didn’t order this,” and the waiter said, “You must try it, it’s a delicacy. But, don’t eat the penis, it’s just a garnish.

Lloyd, what do you think about the dream?

I think she should stop telling it at dinner parties to all our friends.The Ref

10): God is on our side because he hates the Yanks!

God is not on our side because he hates idiots also.The Good The Bad and the UglyTold ya it would be quick. Now it’s time for a popular semi-regular feature ’round these parts.

Hey! As luck would have it… all the selected cuts involve an Oscar winner in one way or another! Cool!!

Just before we kick out for the week, let’s end with the return of an old friend….

THE CURSE OF THE BLOOD NINJA

Years ago, someone sent me a mess of hilarious “cyber” chats where some mysterious lunatic known as the “BloodNinja” tormented chicks who wanted to get some cyber luv going….

I didn’t have too many of them, and no clue where to find more, so I posted a few of them then spent weeks listening to people scream “MORE, WE WANT MORE!!!”

Well, it took me a while, but thanks to the great (and longtime reader/Hyatte impersonator whenever he runs into the real Trish Stratus) Frank Baldwin, I have located a whole mess of new chats.

Whoever this guy is… he’s FUNNY.

For the following chats… the Blood Ninja is using the name “J-Dogg”

Enjoy:

Partner6: So you’re really a 18 yr old girl right?
J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.
Partner6: So whats with the “Dogg”
J-Dogg: Uh, It’s cause I’m into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.

Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.
Partner6: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.

Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my “gun”.
J-Dogg: Ohh, it’s so big.
Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?
J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
Partner6: It likes that.
J-Dogg: aight.

Partner6: Keep talking to me baby…
J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.

J-Dogg: I unzip my pants…
Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.
J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts…
Partner6: WTF?!
J-Dogg: Oh shit, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!

Partner6: I’ve had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only f*ck women…
J-Dogg: Shit just don’t shoot me man, I wasn’t serious about the guns I have, I’m unarmed!
Partner6: You dipshit.
J-Dogg: I whimper to myself…
J-Dogg: please don’t shoot me Mr.

****

J-Dogg: I see you in line at the supermarket. Our eyes meet.
Partner8: Who the f*ck are you?

J-Dogg: I mouth the words to you, as if in slow motion:
J-Dogg: Fuck me, Fuck me.
J-Dogg: My wishes are like poetry in your eyes. We want this moment to last forever.
Partner8: OMFG are you trying to cyber me?

J-Dogg: We are like two dancers, for whom the music never stops. I Kiss the top of your hand. You are taken aback by the bulge that forms in your thigh.
Partner8: Is that like cancer?
J-Dogg: If cancer is our love, then I hope you don’t have the technology of chemotherapy.
Partner8: Good one romeo.

J-Dogg: You grab the bulge that you feel. you tihink it must be taking over your mind, theres nothing else you can think of. My tubesteak to you is like a beautiful japanese haiku.

The salmon swim at night.
Towards your room.
The snow and the moon.

Partner8: that was never a haiku.

J-Dogg: To your light bulb I am the Thomas Edison of your sex. Withought my light you would be lost in a sea of darkness.
Partner8: That made even less sense than your “haiku”
J-Dogg: So you ready to f*ck then?
Partner8: You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my underwear, and your spent.
J-Dogg: …
Partner8: ?
J-Dogg: I’m spent.

******

Jdogg: Hey
QT-Pie: Hey

Jdogg: whats goin on
QT-Pie: Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg: Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT-Pie: what does that mean?

Jdogg: what are you wearing?
QT-Pie: T-shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg: Garter belt?
QT-Pie: Ummm…no.

Jdogg: Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT-Pie: uh, okay.
Jdogg: Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg: You’re wet already. I can smell your pussy stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!

Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg: You leave everything to Jdogg.
Jdogg: I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie: This is weird. I should go.

Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You’re a freak.
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.

HA! God Bless this guy!

Hey assholes, I now, for the most part, go Buddy List only, only because there are too many people who I have no desire in talking to (yeah, you’re probably one of them)… so I don’t have a lot of chats to post. I have to get my material from other places.

But I believe in spreading the wealth, so go here and enjoy the BloodNinja work his magic! Great way to crack up.

Now, before I split for the week…

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE

No questions here, just a very, VERY wise piece of advice that ALL OF YOU, male and female, can enjoy…

Keep your place CLEAN 24/7… because you never know who might want to come over… and a filthy pig sty is pretty much the ultimate sex killer.

I can’t even explain the exact circumstances of which I speak of… but trust me… an opportunity came and I turned it down… because my place was in shambles. Never again will this happen.

Fucking NEVER.

Heh… why do I have the feeling that more than a few of you were expecting a DIFFERENT piece of advice from me here? HA!

All I have to say… after the nonsense that has come my way over the last few is….

Nope… not a thing.

This is Hyatte