God Monday sucks…Monday really really sucks. Actually, in all likelihood it’s just today, but that really doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m on a no sleep bender and could really use a nap…alas, I can’t because all of you (what is it, 5, 6 of you?) insist on reading me. Well, this is for you. On with the show…
Raw 02.21.05
– Trish Stratus def. The entire Women’s Division…
– HHH and Flair chat about Dave. HHH isn’t happy that Batista hasn’t arrived yet.
– Trish gets into a fight with Christy and Candace.
– HBK chats with Randy Orton
– Chris Jericho def. Simon Dean
– HBK challenges Kurt Angle to a match, via Teddy Long
– Kane def. Tyson Tomko
– Chris Masters meets Ric Flair. “The Masterpiece” tells Flair to check out his match.
– Muhammed Hassan bitches and stuff. Benoit comes out and gets his ass kicked.
– HBK and Randy Orton def. Edge and Christian when HBK hit Christian with the Sweet Christian Music.
– Edge jumps Shawn Michaels in the back.
– Chris Masters def. Steven Richards via Full Nelson
– Gene Snitsky def. Shelton Benjamin via DQ when Shelton KILLED Snitsky with a chair.
– Triple H reveals the whole thing to Flair, who thinks it was a great idea. Batista is listening around the corner.
– Batista signs with Raw, giving the thumbs down to Smackdown and DemonBombing Triple H through a table.
The Raw Membrane
Legally:
– Christy is guilty of trying to fight the Women’s Champion. C’mon Trimspa! Just let us see the Playboy issue and we won’t really care about you anymore. See Sable and Chyna about this.
– Chris Masters is guilty of trying to get into Evolution before the big man was even gone.
– Benoit is guilty of a hate crime. He tried to kill an Arab American!
– Muhammed Hassan is guilty of being an Arab Bret Hart.
– Edge is guilty of assault on Michaels.
– Shelton Benjamin is guilty of assault with a deadly weapon.
– Triple H is guilty of being a conniver! Cerebral! CEREBRAL!
– Batista is guilty of killing a tree, by wasting the table which he put CEREBRAL! through.
Personally
– You know what, Trish Stratus is the Triple H of the Women’s Division. Seriously, she’s hooked up with many a McMahon and she won’t let go of the title. Sound familiar!? I’m calling her Triple Stratus for a while. My poor Victoria…
– So I have this gun. It has one bullet. Who wants to bet I’ll pull the f*cking trigger before I watch Trish vs. Christy? I’ve got five dollars on me.
– What happened to Randy Orton being concussion boy? That was fun, because he looked like RVD after a HUGE bong hit.
– Chris Jericho def. Simon Dean. Say it with me kids…”What the f*** is this doing on my television!?”
– HBK vs. Kurt Angle…I’m so there.
– Kane vs. Tyson Tomko…see Chris Jericho vs. Simon Dean.
– “The Masterpiece?” Honestly, he is impressive physically. Other than that, he sucks. He really…really sucks.
– You think Benoit watches tape of this time last year and tells himself it’ll be ok? Either that or he asks Guerrero for tips on how to drive into a wall.
– Shawn and Randy vs. Edge and Christian was phenomenal for Raw. If they had hit the conchairto, I think I would’ve touched myself…in the Mommy/Daddy spot.
– Now that I have 3 readers left…let’s continue…
– Gene Snitsky was almost killed deader than Lita’s baby by Benjamin. I taped it and kept playing it over and over while singing “Nice Shot” from Filter.
– Batista listening from around the corner was a good way to do the tip off. I still think this whole thing could’ve used GTV.
– That was a nasty powerbomb through the table. Kudos to Triple H for taking it like a man. Although Stephanie probably trains him for that. Honestly though, I enjoy Triple H probably more that any net writer. Those who say he’s only there because he f*cked his way in are wrong. I knew this guy was a star when I saw Terra Ryzing first come through that curtain. I’m a great judge of talent.
Smackdown 02.24.05
– Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero def. The Bashams to retain the Tag Titles
– Kurt Angle def. Matt Motel
– Kurt Angle walks off when asked by Tazz about HBK’s challenge
– Heidenreich recites some poetry.
– JBL has a celebration because he is so great.
– Chavo Guerrero def. Funaki to retain the Cruiserweight Title.
– Paul London attacks Chavo
– The Undertaker def. Mark Jindrak and Luther Reigns via Triangle Choke.
– Teddy Long remains GM of Smackdown. He also tells Carlito he has something in store for him.
– John Cena and Big Show def. JBL and Orlando Jordan.
The Smackdown Membrane
Legally
– Paul London is guilty of assault on Chavo Guerrero.
– Nothing else. F*** Smackdown, they’re too nice.
Personally
– If Eddie and Rey are going to be good Tag Champs, they need good opponents. It can be fun, but they need someone other than The Bashams, They need Edge and Christian at Wrestlemania.
– Since Kurt Angle will face HBK at Wrestlemania, I could give a shit how they build to it. Just show me that match 1,000 times. If you think I am glorifying it too much, you’re wrong. This match has the potential to be the best Wrestlemania match in history.
– Heidenreich needs a girlfriend.
– JBL celebrating his greatness would be like me celebrating my first pubic hair.
– Now that I have one reader….how are ya ABarker?
– Chavo vs. London at Wrestlemania is something I can deal with.
– Is it really necessary for The Undertaker to defeat two men at once? He’s like 60.
– I wonder what Teddy has in store for Carlito. Black Panthers?
– Yup, Cena will win the World Title at Wrestlemania. JUST SHOW ME IT ALREADY!
The Crown Of Thorns: Raw 02.28.05
– Batista and Randy Orton will take on Triple H and Ric Flair
– Edge will defeat HBK with help from Kurt Angle.
– For some unholy reason, Chris Benoit will job to Muhammed Hassan.
– To celebrate the end of Black History Month, Mark Henry will return and kill Shelton Benjamin. Maven will be at ringside because he’s almost black.
The Crown Of Thorns: Smackdown 03.03.05
– Paul London will hit Chavo Guerrero with the SSP off of the fist. I don’t know why, but he will.
– Shawn Michaels will interfere, allowing the “Hometown Hero” to win Kurt Angle’s medal.
– The Big Show will eat Orlando Jordan. This will be to celebrate Fat History Month.
– JBL will hit John Cena with the Title Belt. Odd prediction, but I think it’ll happen.
Live from New York…Raw is MSG!
That’s right, since I am an Internet journalist, and an amazing one at that (there goes that ego again), WWE had me at the MSG House Show on Friday. Here’s my take…
Shelton Benjamin def. Christian in a pretty good match that got no heat for some reason. I enjoyed it. Benjamin won with the T-Bone.
Chris Masters def. Val Venis in a match so hideous I won’t even put a picture up. Just a side note, Val looks like a leukemia patient with his new haircut.
What do ya know? Triple Stratus went over the entire Women’s Division again!
Superstar Billy Graham knocked out Coach. While this didn’t suck as much as the Master/Venis atrocity, I still won’t put a picture up.
Kane def. Gene Snitsky. Did you know that Snitsky killed Kane’s baby? That f*cking kid would be like 14 right now, this feud has gone on so long.
Tajiri and Regal defeated La Resistance in a fun little match.
Chris Benoit def. Chris Jericho in a Submission Match that made me realize exactly why I love wrestling. You put two guys in there that tell a story and you don’t need JR screaming in your ear.
Muhammed Hassan def. Rhyno. This was about as good as you could expect. In other words, it sucked.
Shawn Michaels def. Edge…good match. Nice tune up for tonight.
Batista and Randy Orton def. Triple H and Ric Flair in a cage match. The Garden popped HUGE for Batista. Triple H PASTED Orton with a chair and…we saw Ric Flair’s ass.
Fun show, they’ll be back at the Garden, albeit with Smackdown, in April. Tickets go on sale March 19th.
Victoria Rules Because
Visit Victoria at ViciousVixen.com
The Voice Of This Person
It’s over…at least on this column. I’ve decided to move The Voice Of This Person off of InsidePulse and onto my column on Moodspins. That’s right, I’m a crossover star bitches. I’m replacing this with something that all of you will be taking a part in. This new section will be called “Steroids.” Now, each week I’d like to present a reason why steroids suck. This could be someone’s death, disability and so on and so forth. If you hear a story or see something, send it in and I’ll put it in.
So, for the first installment of “Steroids,” I give you this:
The British Bulldogs
One of the most exciting tag teams in history has wound up being one of the saddest stories of steroids. Dynamite Kid, the precursor and idol of Chris Benoit, sits in a wheelchair, unable to walk. If you read his autobiography, you’ll read of all his stories about steroids and various drugs. It is sad, because someone who was exceptional in the ring now sits in a wheelchair, unable to enjoy life after wrestling to the fullest, due to drugs.
Then there is his teammate and someone he, sorta kinda, introduced to steroids. Davey Boy Smith doesn’t sit in a wheelchair today. He lays six feet under the ground, a huge reason for this being steroids. His life went to shit in the later years and it seemed as though all of us expected something bad to happen, but nonetheless, Davey Boy Smith is dead. Dead due to drugs, some of them being steroids.
So there you have it, a tag team no less, dead and crippled because of steroids. If you’re reading this and you want to get involved with wrestling, work hard. Fuck steroids. Yes, people do them and they get bigger. But honestly, would you rather be jacked and dead or smallish and alive? Be smart.
Plugging It In
– Andy grabs Scott Keith by the throat and says, “Fuck your wedding bells.”
– Hyatte brings “Who Spoiled Smackdown?” to Mondays, which is cool.
– Eric can run, but I will hunt him down and plug him wherever he goes. Additionally, Eric, I don’t want to “Fuck” Victoria. I want to cuddle and chat with her.
News and Thoughts
– Hogan might just be at Wrestlemania after all. I’ll go if I get to nail his daughter. She’s 18 right?
– Good Wrestlemania tickets are still available. Should you go, you would be required to sleep with PK.
– Matt and Lita are having some problems. Not to get all crazy on Matt and move in on 411’s territory of MF’ers, but what a little girl Matt is being. Matt hates being lied to and having his trust broken. Cry me a friggin’ river! I had a friend that dated a girl for years…she called him and said she was pregnant…and it wasn’t his! That really su…wait…that happened to Matt on TV! HAHAHA! Honestly though, I think two things of this: 1. Matt is playing “Quit Playing Games With My Heart” from the Backstreet Boys and crying and 2. Lita is on Jeff Hardy’s four-wheeler doing crazy jumps in his back yard in between bong hits.
That’s it for me…wait…have you checked out my interview with the lovely Kim Raver yet? Click on it!
Enjoy your week and check me out tomorrow on MoodSpins and then on the main page for the Debut of Hevia’s Weekly Pulse on Wednesday!
