Monday Night Rabble

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Well, coming off of last week’s greatest Raw Rabble evah – we are here, live in my house with Laura, Jenna, Hernandez, Eric G is on his way, and my new fiancee’ Dani. We are here to slag on product and increase hilarity one stupid riff at a time. Before we begin though, a few things:

1) I want to welcome back Haley to writing for a wrestling site. The Little Things was one of my favorite columns in the 411 days, and I’m really happy to see him back.

2) The feedback has been awesome, keep it coming.

3) Here we are, in all of our glory.

HEY.. WHERE ARE WE!?!? Recognize that NJ is heading through a huge snowstorm, and I thank each and every member of the Rabble for trudging through the snow to show up. Remember the ‘BEN MORSE HINT’ later in the evening.

To start the show, we flashback to last week where Batista went balls to the wall crazy, thumbs downed Trips and went down through the table. What’s going to happen tonight?

Trips is coming down… shocker… but.. umm… he’s wearing tights! It looks like he’s got himself a match!

“Doesn’t that mean he sucks if he’s wrestling first?” – Dani to start us off.
“It was either him or Jericho” – Hernandez on BITE ME!

Oh wait.. he’s got a microphone, and the crowd is booing, hissing, chanting, and Trips takes up two minutes of scowling time. Trips asks if there is a single wrestler who thinks he is afraid of Batista. (Spotted: Mick Foley sign)

“He’s one mole away from looking like Lemmy…” Eric G

So says Hunter – he is in fact.. the GAME..

“What game is he? I say Chutes And Ladders!” – Dani
“Astroids” – Eric G
“Pong” – Laura
“He can’t be Burning Monkey Puzzle Lab – Dave is Burning Monkey Puzzle Lab” – Dani

So apparently Hunter thinks Batista is a huge child… a 300 pound child. So, thusly – Trips is the father.

“Way to go Darth!” – Me
“So is Ric the Mommy?” – Hernandez

So he continues his long diatribe and who interrupts him, but THE HURRICANE! Without further adieu an impromptu match!

Hunter attacks him before he even gets in the ring and throws him into the chairs, and outside they sit. Trips is pummeling Hurricane outside – and the match really doesn’t even go anywhere. Pedigree onto the ramp.. and Trips comes back into the ring to let us know that Batista’s gonna start learning tonight.

COMMERCIAL

First question of the night:
What is Trips going to teach Batista tonight?
“How to tie his shoes” – Hernandez
“How to put on the belt correctly” – Jenna
“How to marry a millionaire” – Dani
“The meaning of life” – Laura
“How to be a good little boy” – Eric G

So last week, Benoit got doubleteamed by Hassan and Akbar.. how do they follow up? HERE COMES BENOIT! (He best watch out.. IT MIGHT BE A TRAP!!!) and here comes Hassan w/ Akbar.

“He’s wearing a mumu” – Dani

BENOIT vs. HASSAN
In a ‘put him over’ match

Before the bell rings the USA chant starts for.. umm.. I guess Hassan since he’s the AMERICAN IN THE RING! Benoit starts with tossing Hassan into the corners and a suplex. He continues the beatdown until he tries for the Crossface and Akbar leaps up to the top rope to distract. Benoit, being the face – goes after him and by the time he gets around the ring … BIG OL CLOTHESLINE from a hiding Hassan.

Back in the ring, Hassan gets a two-count and they continue to slap/chop/punch each other. He pushes Benoit into the corner, Chris bounces out and Hassan lifts him up and screws up a backbreaker and really kinda looked like he hurt Chris – but it seems he’s ok as he comes back in and they fight inside the ring Benoit fighting out of a submission hold. He throws the rolling germans a few roll-ups, and in a moment of screw-up Benoit hits the ref.

Akbar hands Hassan the ring bell, and Benoit GERMANS him without seeing the bell just yet. He then goes up for the flying headbutt and we would think it’s over – but.. sadly, Hassan doesn’t even turn so Benoit MISSES the ring bell and half-sells that he hit it.

Well from there, Hassan gets a two-count. Whether he was supposed to get a three here, will never be known as they immediately go for the nutshot and the DQ.

Winner by DQ: BATISTA

COMMERCIAL

–I am now getting berrated for not having a question this commercial break. Dani’s suggestion is “So.. Hassan.. still sucks, eh?” .. yes.. he does, but now he shows that he occasionally wrestlers poorly too.

HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES – This year’s new addition: HULK HOGAN!

Okay, I still mark like a bastard for ‘Real American’ and those old squash matches.. I don’t care what you say. Hogan deserves it and JR agrees with me.

Coming through the backstage area is.. Dave – and if he had a Mortal Kombat ending.. it would be a ‘Snazzy-ality’ So Coach is there to tell him that Trips is all huffy and mad. Dave wants to thank Trips.. for letting out the animal.

“Ewww” – Me

Trips is watching the TV – Ric shows up like a retarded four year old “HUNTER! HE’S HERE HE’S HERE HE’S HERE! LET’S GO BEAT HIM UP!”

COMMERCIAL

Dani’s question: “What kind of animal IS Dave?”
“Panda Bear” – Eric
“Roadkill” – Laura
“He’s a dragon” – Jenna
“The Ugly Duckling” – Hernandez
“He’s a burning monkey.. and he’s got a puzzle lab” – Dani
“And he turns into a Manimal” – Hernandez.. he is so skating the line tonight…

We review the journey of Christie Hemmy.. I’ll be back in a minute.

Good christ that was good.. was it good for you?

Coming down to the ring, Laura’s boytoy – Shelton Benjamin! His opponent? (After showing us his chairshot on Snitsky last week)

SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. GENE SNITSKY
Intercontinental Title Match

Starts off with Snitsky just beating the hell out of Benjamin. Shelton comoes right back though with big fists of his own. A sunset flip from Shelton and instead of dropping on top of him – Snitsky just chokes him. Simple and easy. Snitsky picks up Sheleton and almost screws up a bodyslam. Puts Shelton into an abdominal stretch but gets a two. Snitsky flips him up over his shoulder, but Shelton reverses it into a DDT.

A big boot sends Shelton out of the ring. Snitsky follows him out and gets a chair. Inside the ring Shelton hits a dropkick out of nowhere, which ends Snitsky dropping the chair. Backbody drop to HIGH angle DDT from Shelton which was AWESOME looking. After getting up and stumbles into the corner – he walks forward for the BIG powerslam from Benjamin for the win.

Say what you will, Snitsky showed he can get the job done in the ring tonight. I have to say I was completely impressed by him tonight.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin

Coming up next – a MAJOR announcement on Wrestlemania… what is it?

“If it’s the Stone Cold appearance.. I’ll kill em'” – Hernandez
“I wasn’t paying attention..” – Jenna
“The show will officially not suck” – Dani
“Shelton Benjamin will ask me to marry him” – Laura
“It will be the beginning of it all… again.” – Eric
“It could be that the END IS NEAR… again.” – Jamie

And the announcement – PIPER’S PIT IS COMING BACK!!! AWWW HELL YE– wait a sec.. his guest is Stone Cold… dammit! They were so close for an honest to goodness mark out moment for me. Shocker, me marking out for the loud abrasive guy.

“Is Stone Cold going to tell us all how to beat a woman?” – Dani
“Sho’Nuff” – The Last Dra– I man, Hernandez

Coming down to the ring though… *yawn* The Narcissist, Chris Masters – and his shrug off squash opponent is? Who can he actually INJURE?! (Get well Stevie)

Chris Masters vs. Some Local Jobber
The most obvious match ever…

So Chris grabs jobber guy –
“The Red Shirt” – Dani
“Player 2” – Hernandez
– and just chokes him against the ropes. Preens and picks him up to slam his face against the turnbucklee. Job-boy tosses Masters into the corner and Masters comes in with the Polish Hammer.. LOWER than last week, though. There is the full nelson. There is the win.

Winner: *duh* Chris Masters

A Commercial for the Rock.. and Commercial’s all around.

So JR is interviewing Batista in the middle of the ring, to give us our official photo-op for Wrestlemania 21… prediction, Trips comes down, they go nose to nose.

Anyway, here comes Batista!!

Batista vs. Jim Ross
Interviewing Match!

The entire Rabble agrees – Dave wears a nice suit. The crowd is so happy they can cheer him. JR asks him the question on everyone’s mind.

“If a train leaves Wyoming at 3 o’clock” – Me

Actually it’s why he turned sides. Batista says because his entire tenure in Evolution has been about Trips – so ‘It’s just like the song – ‘It’s all about the Game and how you play it’ .. well Batista, last week, made sure the ‘Game got Played’ – spawning the next few years of Trips signs, since GAME OVER is so.. passe’.

So Dave goes for some cheap pops. The crowd responds thusly. He declares that he’s going to follow Ric’s rules and ‘Beat the man.. so he can BE the man’. Oh! And talking about the man – here comes Trips. Before anyone can blink Dave’s ripped open his shirt and Trips looks grumpy.

Dave is in the middle of the ring and Ric & Trips are flanking him. Ric comes in and Dave beats him down. Trips fakes coming in. Dave beats Flair again. Trips leaves. Dave spinebusters Flair. Trips comes into the ring… then leaves. Dave in turn does a double thumbs up – double thumbs down.. and once again… beats on Flair. It’s like an octogenerian jobber match! Trips fakes coming in again to leave – at this point, I think Trips just wants Flair beaten.

Word of the week
Octagenerian: Being between 80 and 90 years of age.

WRESTLEMANIA RECALL: Molly Holly winning the Hardcore title from Hurricane and then losing it to Christian… Molly was so cute as a superhero.

In the back, Trips is not so cute. He yells at Bischoff about how much Batista beat on Flair and how that’s so not cool. The match next week – Batista vs. Ric Flair.. where he can OFFICIALLY beat on Flair. Trips will be in Ric’s corner to make sure Batista gets…

“..served?” Hernandez

..what’s coming to him.

Coming down to the ring though now is my main man – Y 2 J and he’s facing…

CHRIS JERICHO vs. MAVEN
Let’s make Maven look bad match

Bell rings and they lock-up, but Jericho takes quick advantage with kicks to the gut, tosses into the ring, and more kicks. A chop or two for good measure. A clothesline. A front face suplex onto the top rope. A 2nd rope dropkick. Jericho has not stopped. He throws Maven into the corner, goes for the crossrope bulldog and missese – and Maven starts up.

Maven choking Jericho against the ropes – stopped. He leaves to the outside to slap him around. Finally comes in and Jericho gets some leverage and drops Maven to the 2nd rope. Jericho misses the leg over, but catches himself and leaps over the top rope. He climbs up to the top turnbuckle, reverse elbow off the top. Walls of Jericho – and the Maven death streak continues.

Winner: CHRIS JERICHO!

“They had to give him something after losing to Hassan.. I mean he’s like the Brooklyn Brawler” – Hernandez continuing to raise my ire.

Chris grabs the mic and he wants a match at Mania’ – He’s got an idea for a match.. Y2J with 5 other men in a ring with a giant ladder… and that’s all he’s leaving us with. OOoo! 6 men ladder match at Mania’… HELL YEAH! (Probably for the IC title.. nice)

COMMERCIAL
(New Wrestlemania Commercial – Cena & JBL as A Few Good Men.. great translation! Not laugh-y funny.. just a DAMNED good commercial)

Here comes Christy! She’s unveiling the cover tonight.. wheeeeeee… she’s going to show us another side of her. My hope is it’s her kidneys. The Playboy cover.. meh – she looks too not real. Here comes Trish though!

Trish, for the record is wearing a PIN-STRIPE-TOP! My testicles just dropped. I was waiting for this to happen. So, Trish talks about how sexy Christy is.. but something just isn’t right with the cover of Playboy. So she starts to spraypaint it. Christy hits Trish – Trish spinkicks Christy and Hemmie is out.. here comes Trish with more spraypaint

“DO NWO!” – Hernandez.

She does ‘Slut’ and that is that.

That match at Mania is going to be hot. Let me just say that I think that Raw needs some more wrestlers – but this is hot. Period.

COMMERCIAL

So Stacy is in the backstage with Superstar Billy Graham and Chestie McTahtah. They are hyping the Wrestlemania show when Orton comes out.. KILL HIM!!! Aww.. darn, they are talking about who Orton should face this year. They go through all of Billy’s catchphrases and decide that Orton should face Undertaker.

Edge interviews with Boobage O’Nippy. He whines.

COMMERCIAL

Opinion of Orton/Undertaker – HERNANDEZ vs. ERIC G!
ERIC – “I have to be honest – I’m very disappointed. It means they are either screwing UT out of his winning streak.. or screwing Orton and still doing NOTHING with him! There is no way that people aren’t going to be pissed off either way. If UT loses, great they pushed Orton – but they are dropping the franchise.”
HERNANDEZ – “Win or lose, Orton gets the rub.. so I’m all for it.”
ERIC – “I can’t see that!”
HERNANDEZ – “When Taker had his match with Trips at .. what was it ’19’? Taker won, and it just solidified him as the champion even more. If Orton can put on that kind of performance, it could solidify him as well.”
ERIC – “But there is no logical step…”
HERNANDEZ – “You’re right – they aren’t doing anything with him, so have him go against another legend.”
ERIC – “I see how was going from one legend to another to another.. he hasn’t been in main events, and he hasn’t been doing anything spectacular – I just don’t know why they are going back to this bit. It seems pieced together… that’s my take.”

Here comes Edge and here comes Shawn! They are both wearing plainclothes.. oh yeah! It’s a streetfight!

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. EDGE
Streetfight Rules

“Does God let you have streetfights?”
“Only if you really mean it.”

Big fists and Shawn takes off his belt and starts the whippings!.

“Awww, he’s recreating the Passion.” – Dani

Shawn continues to beat down Shawn and clotheslines him over the top rope. They head out into the crowd and start beating each other down the lower tier. Shawn throws Edge back to the ring area. Good spot – Shawn grabs a camera for a fan and takes a photo of a beaten Edge. Amusing.

Shawn then goes underneath and grabs one of those crumple-trash-cans and hits some Edge. Shawn goes underneath again and gets.. OH YOU KNOW IT BABYEEEE a Ladder! He sets it up, turns around and gets a trashcan lidded clothesline from Edge. Edge goes and tosses HBK back into the ring and gets himself a chair. He sits it in the middle of the ring and they fight over it until Edge DDT’s Shawn… well, NEAR the chair. It seems Shawn was trying to blade while Edge was setting this up because Shawn falls out of the ring, is bleeding pretty badly down the side of his face, but he seriously missed the chair.

Ah well – lots of missed spots tonight.

COMMERCIAL
Your ‘Was That Ben Morse’ Hint: The Conquistador’s middle name is NOT Horatio

We come back and Shawn is quite literally a mask of blood and they are tied up in some submission move. Shawn gets up and big clothesline gives Shawn a moment to bring the big ol ladder into the ring. Shawn really is playing up that ‘I lost a pint and don’t know where I am..”

Edge, though dropkicks Shawn in the ladder in the face. Edge now climbs the top turnbuckle and Shawn literally.. throws the ladder at him sending him to the outside. Shawn crawls to the edge of the ring and Edge pulls him down. They fight back into the ring and Shawn sets the ladder up into the corner. He tosses Edge into that very same corner – but Edge catches it.. then as Shawn charges Edge – drop toehold right onto the ladder.

Edge sets the ladder upright. He goes and bodyslams Shawn and now he’s climbing the ladder. Edge is at the top and a BAD splash onto HBK. Two count. Edge grabs the chair again – he’s about to hit Shawn when he gets grabbed dropped and flips him into the ladder. This time, Edge gets up and SHAWN wings him HARD with the ladder. Inside the ring, Shawn is stumbling around looking for Marty Genneti or Sister Sherry (so says Hernandez). Edge comes in with the ever useful kendo stick. HBK ducks it and comes out like a fireball.. HUGE shoulderblock – Inverted atomic drop – grabs the kendo stick and right over Edge’s face! Shawn then leaps to the top rope and the elbow hits the mark.

He stands in the corner and starts spelling it out for the JESUS KICK –
J – E – S – U …. goes for it, Edge ducks and gives Shawn a chairshot to the nuts. Edge runs out, grabs another chair to set up the solitary Con-Chairto and just as he’s ready for the moment… Shawn punches him in the nuts. Just as Shawn is getting up, Edge spears himmmm forrrrr 2!!!! Edge is pissed.. so he starts stomping for the Jesus Kick! He runs, looking like he’s going for a spear, but quite literally.. OUT OF NOWHERE the Superkick from Shawn!
1
2
3
THAT’S IT!

WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS

But before we get a chance to blink, in comes Angle to start beating down Shawn! Full release suplex and an Angle slam.. and he’s going for the microphone. He officially accepts the challenge at Wrestlemania. The ring is splattered with blood, and here comes the security force.

“Hey look! OVW people!” – Eric G

And that.. is the end of the show.

Final Opinion:
“I stopped watching – my homework got really interesting” – Dani
“Wheeee! Snow!” – Laura
“I want to see more crossed attacks.. I like those.” – Eric G
“CROSSOVERS?!?” – Hernandez
“I was trying to avoid that word…” – Eric G
“I want more variants, or more Wrestlemania promos.. one of those” – Hernandez
“Dave is the man” – Jenna

A LOT of mistakes, but overall a solid show to get us prepped for Wrestlemania. Anyway, thanks for coming out during the storm guys. We’ll see you next week.