What a Tease!

Hi all. Welcome to another of What a Tease! Some of you may know me from a little column I do called The Gatekeepers Guide. Most of you know me as Norty news guy. I’m the guy that Steve Coogan considers a genius in the making and Ryan Closs….uh….likes a lot. Yeah. Anyway, Everybody know what time it is???

Crowd: **Cough**

That’s right! It’s Trailer Time!!!!

I need to figure out a way to make that actually sound exciting……

New Trailers Online this Week

Here’s how it gets broken down. Basically, you’ll get a direct link to the trailer, the ‘Plot According to Yahoo’, the length of the trailer and the *estimated* release date. You’ll ALSO get the following: The Spoilerish ranking – what this basically gauges is how much of the movie the trailer gives away, on a 1-10 scale; My Analysis of the trailer, sometimes being pretty straight and narrow, sometimes being witty and sarcastic, sometimes both; finally, you’ll get an Overall Rating, which is ‘calculated’ based on the length of the trailer, it’s ‘spoilerish-ness’ and, well, how I feel about it. It IS my column, after all, but I promise the ratings will be fair and make sense.

First off:

Fever Pitch.

The plot according to IMDB **An Apple Exclusive Trailer**: Based on the Nick Hornby novel and movie Fever Pitch (1997) starring Colin Firth. This film has been updated to center on a man and his obsession with the Boston Red Sox. Ben (Jimmy Fallon) meets Lindsey (Drew Barrymore). They fall in love. All things are wonderful. But their future together is threatened once the baseball season comes around and Lindsey discovers something about Ben…his obsession with the Boston Red Sox..

Length: Approx. 2:22
Release: April 8th, 2005.
Spoilerish : 6
Analysis: I’m not ready to give up on Jimmy Falon, even though Taxi sucked the soul out of Kern’s body. Everyone gets two, and this looks like a nice little romantic comedy to erase that crap film from people’s memories. Falon and Barrymore look good together in the trailer, and though it gives away some of the plot, you’re going into a romantic comedy – what do you expect, really? It doesn’t seem like they told all the jokes here, so that’s a plus. Not too shabby overall.
Overall Rating: 7.5.

The Amityville Horror

The plot according to Yahoo: On November 14, 1974, police received a frantic phone call that led them to a nightmarish crime scene at the Defeo residence in Amityville, Long Island – an entire family had been slaughtered in their beds. In the days that followed, Ronald Defeo confessed to methodically shooting his parents and four siblings while they slept, claiming “voices” in the house drove him to commit the grisly murders. One year later, George and Kathy Lutz and their three children moved into the house thinking it would be their dream home. But shortly after settling in, bizarre and unexplainable events began to occur to the family as George was plagued by nightmarish visions and haunting voices from the evil presence still lurking within the residence. 28 days after moving in, the Lutzes abandoned the home – lucky to escape with their lives.

Length: 2:31
Release: April 15th, 2005.
Spoilerish: 6.0
Analysis: Wow oh wow oh wow – does it look like the crap that is horror is finally ending? This, to me, looks like a fantastic scary movie. Everything in this trailer is damn near perfect – the sound, the footage used, everything. Judging it against other horror trailers, this one really doesn’t seem like it spoils much – yes, some things are slightly given away, but overall it could have been a whole lot worse. The creep-out factor is huge here, and if things really come together *And they will need to almost perfectly*, this could be the smash horror hit everyone is waiting for.
Overall Rating: 8.0

Bigger Than the Sky

The plot according to Yahoo: A successful community theatre company is turned upside down when the director of an upcoming production of “Cyrano” casts an inexperienced young man with no apparent talent in the lead. The young man, Peter Rooker (Marcus Thomas), soon becomes caught up in the various intrigues of the “theater people,” including the charming but mercurial Michael (John Corbett), the beautiful leading lady Grace (Amy Smart), and a colorful cast of eccentric players (including Sean Astin, Patty Duke and Allan Corduner). Peter soon discovers that in the world of theater the normal rules do not apply, but in the end there is a role for everyone.

Length: 2:14
Spoilerish: 7.5
Release: Febuary 18th, 2005 (Limited).
Analysis: Apparently this one has been out for a little while now, seeing limited release, but both Apple and Yahoo updated with the trailer this week, so who knows when/if it’s going wide. Looks like a real solid inner-journey film with some genuine heart-warming potential, but really, do they HAVE to give away such major plot-points in the trailer? I mean really now – the film looks like it has enough material for the trailer to survive on its own without running through the entire film……you’d think I’d be used to this by now.
Overall Rating: 6.0


The plot according to Yahoo: Story of Xan, a 10-year-old boy who lives in Kenya with his family and Doom, the cheetah that became his pet.

Length: 1:38
Spoilerish: 4.0
Release Date: Spring 2005
Analysis: Well, another one of those ‘dangerous animal no man should ever raise himself’ tales, where society lashes out against the boy with the cheetah. So, the boy braves the desert, gets lost, and now we’ve got an adventure. *Yawn* Is there some Hollywood rule that says you have to make one of these every year? I mean, I guess it could be fun if this is your kind of movie…..
Overall Rating: 5.0

Lords of Dogtown

The plot according to Yahoo: In the 1970s, a group of teenage surfers from a tough neighborhood known as “Dogtown” in Venice, CA pioneered a revolutionary new style of skateboarding. Riding the waves at the Pacific Ocean pier, the Z-Boyz, known for their aggressive style and hard street attitude, combined the death-defying moves of surfing with the art of skateboarding and became overnight sensations and local legends. With empty pools as their canvas, the Z-boyz paved the way to what is now referred to as “extreme sports,” and created a lifestyle that spread infectiously to become a worldwide counterculture phenomenon. But all of this fame would take its toll on the friendships that they thought would last a lifetime as the sport that started out as an afternoon hobby turned into big business.

Length: 2:30
Spoilerish: 5
Release: August 12, 2005
Analysis: So this is based on the true story of the guys who invented extreme skateboarding or whatnot. This will definitely have its own audience, but if it’s as solid as the trailer makes it out to be it could be a sleeper hit that a lot of people wind up enjoying. Personally, I’m not into the scene at all, so the trailer and film do nothing for me, but it is good for what it is.
Overall Rating: 7.0


The plot according to Yahoo: Thirteen-year-old Aviva Victor wants to be a mom. She does all she can to make this happen and comes very close to succeeding, but in the end, her plan is thwarted by her sensible parents (Ellen Barkin and Richard Masur). So she runs away, still determined to get pregnant one way or another, but instead finds herself lost in another world, a less sensible one, perhaps, but one pregnant itself with all sorts of strange possibilities. Like so many trips, this one is round-trip, and it’s hard to say in the end if she can ever quite be the same again, or if she can ever be anything BUT the same again

Length: 1:46
Spoilerish: 3.0
Release: April 13, 2005 NY; April 15, 2005 LA; April 29, 2005 Limited.
Analysis: I…I don’t even know. I am at a loss for words. This is some of the strangest stuff I’ve seen yet. But, in a way, it was also interesting if not compelling. You really have to love independant film for what it is and what it can bring to the table. When a trailer like this comes along, some people stop and pay attention. I’m not sure what else to say about it, but apparently Ebert likes it, so that’ll be enough for most people.
Overall Rating: 7.0

Trailers for Films Opening This Very Weekend! (Weekend of March 5th, 2005)

Be Cool

The plot according to Yahoo: The continuing adventures of Chili Palmer, strong-arm debt collector turned Hollywood movie producer. By the time the story begins, Chili has abandoned the fickle movie industry. And so his adventures, this time around, concern the music industry where he becomes the promoter of a struggling singer who is being pursued by the Russian mafia.

Length: 2:28
Release: March 4th, 2005
Spoilerish: 7.5
Analysis: Well, this movie certainly has a ton of star power, doesn’t it? That’s the main focus of this trailer, as it takes a nice, LONG look at the main players of the film. I was tempted to rate it higher on the spoiler scale, but, while I think it shows a lot of the jokes, this film looks solid enough to lead me to believe it has a lot of plot and character within it. That, and the trailer is just damn cool for a movie fan – The Rock and his eyebrow, Vince Vaughn acting all black, Travolta and Uma dancing! I’m so there.
Overall Rating: 7.5

The Jacket

The plot according to Yahoo: A military veteran returns to his native Vermont suffering from bouts of amnesia. When he is accused of murder and lands in an asylum, a well-meaning doctor puts him on a heavy course of experimental drugs, restrains him in a jacket-like device, and locks him away in a body drawer of the basement morgue. The process sends him on a journey into the future, where he can foresee his death (but not who did it or how) in four days’ time. Now the only question that matters is: can the woman he meets in the future save him?

Length: 2:30
Spoilerish: 5.5
Analysis: Well, the premise is nice and unique, which is a welcome change, but what can you expect from an ‘indie’ movie. The cast looks solid and the trailer shows some stellar performances. The plot of time travel makes it difficult to rate for spoilers, considering you aren’t sure what is going on when, or why, but there are some here, as it’s inevitable with the length of the trailer. However, it definitely succeeds in doing it’s job in making me interested in the movie.
Overall Rating: 7.0

The Pacifier

The plot according to Yahoo: Vin Diesel stars as Navy SEAL Shane Wolfe who, as an elite member of the world’s fiercest and most highly trained force, thought he was prepared to take on any duty no matter how perilous or impossible – until he tried baby-sitting. Assigned to protect the five out-of-control children of an assassinated scientist working on vital government secrets, Shane is suddenly faced with juggling two outrageously incompatible jobs: fighting the bad guys while keeping house. Replacing his usual arsenal of wetsuits and weapons with diapers and juice boxes, Shane not only must battle a deceptive enemy but wrangle teen rebel Zoe (Brittany Snow), sullen 14-year-old Seth (Max Theriot), 8-year-old Ninja-wanna-be Lulu (Morgan York), as well as 3 year-old Peter and baby Tyler – not to mention their off-beat Romanian Nanny (Carol Kane).

Length: 2:32
Spoilerish: 6.5
Analysis: Well, let’s see. There’s Vin Disel, former XXX, who claims he has dedication – or something – when picking his roles. So, then, someone explain to me why this film even exists? THIS is the next best thing for Riddick? Please. Looks to me like the typical “Hard-liner moves in with family, bonds, goes soft but saves the day” film. The trailer gives away a nice handful of the jokes and some of the plot – but I doubt it even matters much. Maybe the film will be good for familes, but I wouldn’t put money on it being something for anyone else…..
Overall Rating: 5.5

The Number One Movie in America!

Every week, I’ll take the number one movie in America and put its trailer here, just in case anyone hasn’t seen it yet (or you just loves the trailer). Also, comments from anyone who has seen the film and the trailer will be thrown in, to give you a complete idea about it and the movie.

Except this week, because no one from the Pulse Staff has actually seen it. Oops ^_^ Re-pasted from a few weeks ago:

Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

The plot according to Yahoo : Helen McCarter (Kimberly Elise) seemingly had the perfect life with husband Charles McCarter (Steve Harris). Over the years, Helen has been a faithful and loving wife, while Charles built a successful and lucrative career as a prominent Atlanta attorney. Theirs is a little piece of paradise away from the city. On the eve of their 18th wedding anniversary, Helen’s paradise begins to crumble as Charles announces that he wants a divorce. He tosses Helen out of the mansion to make room for the other woman. With all of her possessions packed in a moving van, Helen starts on her journey to put the pieces of her life back together. Through the assistance of her friends, family, faith, and a twist of fate, Helen finds the strength and empowerment she needs to get control of her circumstances. She also finds that the tragic events of her life soon become comic, especially with the guidance and help – mostly unsolicited, by the way – of her pot-smoking, gun-toting, and much beloved grandmother figure Madea (Tyler Perry).

Length: 2:29
Spoilerish: 7
Analysis: Looks like a nice little inner-journey film, with enough to keep fans of multiple genres happy. The trailer is a bit long, and gives away most of the plot. It’s interesting to note, however, that the grandmother featured prominently in the poster and plot summary is given very little trailer time. Perhaps they’re aiming to surprise audiences.
Overall Rating: 6.5

Debating that DVD purchase? Check out the trailer first!

Yup. Each week, I’ll take the new, major DVD release(s) and put the trailer here too. Just to help you decide how to spend that cash or remind you about a movie, in case you forgot ^_^

Exorcist: The Beginning

The plot according to Yahoo: This film will tell the tale of Father Merrin’s (Skarsgaard) journey as a young missionary priest to post-WWII Africa, which led to his first encounter with demonic forces.

Length: 2:14
Spoilerish: 8.0
Analysis: I’ve never seen this movie, but I’ve seen the trailer many times now. At first I thought it was the fact I knew the movie sucked, which explained why the trailer did nothing for me. Then I realized when I first saw it last year the same apathy came over me. It showcases a wasted film that had potential and blew it. The trailer is heavy on the spoilers, too.
Overall Rating : 3.5

Flight of the Phoenix

The plot according to Yahoo: When a C-119 cargo plane full of oil workers crashes in Mongolia’s Gobi Desert during a sandstorm, the survivors attempt to build a new plane from the parts they find in the wreckage to escape. The plane was piloted by Captain Frank Towns, an employee of oil company Geodel, whose job it is to go to remote oil rigs and shut them down when their productivity has decreased. Having accomplished his job with one such rig, his plane crashes with all of the employees aboard on the way back to Beijing.

Length: 2:30
Spoilerish: 9.0
Analysis: Another movie I missed in the theater. No worries for me, though – apparently not only was it subpar, but I could watch this two and a half minute trailer and see everything I needed to know about the movie. Seriously – you know those trailers that literally ruin almost the entire film? This is one of them. If you want to get this movie, do not watch this trailer first – period.
Overall Rating : 2.5

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

The plot according to Yahoo: SpongeBob SquarePants is an optimistic, free-spirited sponge that was born in a rectangular shape, much like a kitchen sponge. Living at the bottom of the sea in a pineapple in the community of Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob works as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab diner, where his friends include a Squidward the squid and Patrick the starfish.

Length: 2:29
Spoilerish: 5.5
Analysis: Now, this movie I saw, and, never being a SpongeBob fan, I really must say it was a surprise when I walked out of the theater smiling. But enough of that – the trailer doesn’t give half of this movie away, and that’s pretty amazing, considering what they do to kiddie films. This film is so funny that even when they do give something away, it’s forgotten because of the next gag or joke.
Overall Rating : 8.5

Wrapping it Up

So, that’ll do it for another week. I think I’ve pretty much set the standard for what to expect weekly in the column. Again, any thoughts or comments, send them my way, and, as usual,

Until next time…..

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