But, Before We Begin”¦
Adventures in Our Staff Forum
“Starting today, we need to start trying to clean up the language in (a certain zone’s) columns. We also have to worry about (IP) getting blocked by content filters. The more curses we have on the site, the better our chances of getting filtered by work servers. I would really like you all to start keeping the language somewhere around what you would see on Prime Time television.”
-Surprisingly, not directed to The Music Zone! You mean there’s a worse offender than us?
“Hey, Dad, I heard you were swearing! Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap!”¦Yeah! Hell, damn, fart!”
-from a randomly selected Prime Time television show. Randomly.
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Welcome back to The Bootleg. And, this is the week that was:
Saturday: They say the greatest thing about parenthood is that you learn something new everyday. Of course, those ubiquitous “they” people say the same thing about preschool. Back then, we were all taught not to eat paste. And, today”¦we can now add calamari to the culinary contraband.
Now, before the angioplasty populace of the deep-fried squid committee joins forces with Nas fans in their hatred for me, let me explain:
The Bootleg Family was enjoying lunch at a San Diego sports bar, which alternated plasma-screen pictures of college basketball”¦and Chef Tony? Lousy February sports scene. Kid Cam has developed a preference for full-grown food, so I broke off a piece of Aquaman’s anti-appetizer, fed it to Jalen and he seemed to enjoy it.
And enjoy it”¦and enjoy it some more. The kid’s got eight teeth, total, and he was chewing this piece of the sea for”¦well, for longer than he should’ve been. My only hope was to get it out of his mouth before the wife noticed and”¦
“Aaron, is he still chewing on that?”
I supposed you could call my mood “well-preserved panic”. Not wanting to create a scene, but also not wanting to let my Field Goal pizza get cold, I reached into the kid’s mouth and corralled the chewy choking hazard. Lucky for me it was stuck between the back of his tongue and the front of his throat. Umm”¦moving on.
Sunday: Oscar Night! And, yes, the exclamation point is the accumulated addition of all African-Americans. Easy Reader wins. Ugly Wanda wins. And, all my “Academy of RACISTS” placards for the post-show protests went back into the garage.
Monday: In what would later be discovered to be a recurring theme for the week, Baby Bootleg didn’t want to go to sleep at his usual time. On this day, the wife and I put the kid down on the living room floor and lay down on either side of him.
Normally, he rolls from side to side for a few minutes like a Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper (Babysitting Service), but on this night he was jerking around and throwing his head back in a five-minute fit of baby rage.
On one of these screaming spasms, the back of his dome found my bottom lip. He split me open pretty good and as I staggered into the kitchen, the wife followed my crimson trail and asked, “Is any of that Jalen’s blood?” My response: “Not yet.”
Tuesday: We had to clean the house”¦in advance of our cleaning lady, who’d be coming the following day. There’s obviously something wrong with this picture, but most of it has to do with the whole “Black family has a cleaning lady” thing. It seems The Camerons are turning into The Jeffersons, complete with the addition of “Willis”, “Weezy” and “Honky” into my vocabulary.
Wednesday: There’s a guy who sits in the cubicle next to me who eats Top Ramen for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Actually, he’s quick to point out that it’s not Ramen, but authentic freeze-dried noodle meals that one can only get in an Asian Supermarket. The stink from his sustenance could choke a herd o’ cattle, which is ironic considering the only meat in an authentic Asian meal probably comes from”¦fish, pork or chicken.
What did you think I was going to say?
The Goodness: It’s What’s For Dinner”¦
Brought To You By DJ Whoo Cares”¦
My reaction to the “biggest” music news story of the week can be summed up thusly:
“I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was. Now, what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me.”
Rappers 50 Cent and The Game are embroiled in one of the most bizarre beefs in Hip Hop history. Seriously, folks, we’re talking Eazy-E vs. T-Cell territory. Try to follow along”¦
Last week, The Game went on a New York radio station and publicly positioned himself away from 50 and his phalanx of feuds. Two days later, 50 was on the same station and told listeners that, as a result of his earlier interview, The Game was gone from the G-Unit group that 50 had founded. OK, I know what you’re thinking, but here’s where it gets ridiculous”¦
Depending on who you ask, The Game and his entourage reportedly returned to the radio station and ran afoul of 50’s affiliates while 50 was still on the air. Shots were fired, someone got hit and, true to form: nobody saw nothing, officer. Now”¦before someone gets killed, I think it’s time for a more neutral Negro to place the path to peace.
50″¦Game”¦all this drama is similar to two slaves getting pissed off over the last pig’s foot. Last I checked, both your Black asses were still owned and operated by Interscope. And, all of these incendiary incidents and imaginary independence will lead to nothing but aggravation on the ol’ plantation.
Remember Roots? There’s plenty of room for two Tobys.
The Irrelevance In The Plains Falls Mainly On”¦
The stars were out in Spain this week as Beyoncé and J-Lo made their way to Madrid. And, believe it or not, the pop princesses were promoting something other than themselves. I trust you’ve all heard of Pepsi? (Now in successive centuries as the second-place soda.)
Well, the divas are high fructose firebrands in the company’s newest international ad campaign and they attended the premiere of the first commercial last Wednesday. In the 60-second spot, Knowles and Lopez get into a bar fight over the unnaturally brown beverage and use martial arts to”¦whoa, wait a minute.
“Attended the premiere”¦?” For a commercial?
Here’s a nice rule of thumb: if the show is small enough to be sent as an email attachment, then you can pass on the premiere. And, does anyone know of any reputable theater that would whore itself out for a minute of marketing minutiae?
I’m sorry, but if we’re talking commercial premieres, someone had better alert the drive-in to clear out the Saturday afternoon swap meet and RV show. Oh, and we can just move the Joanie Laurer autograph signing to next weekend. Just a guess, but I’m sure she’s free.
And, what the hell happened to her boobs between then and now?
Nasir Jones Is Better Than You
Sorry, Alaska”¦but, Mount McKinley must move over. It’s no longer the highest natural point in the United States. Earlier this week, a team of climbers, saddled with several Sherpas, finally made their way to the top of Nas’ high horse. And, here’s a shock: the judgmental MC has something to say about the industry he so desperately wants to be accepted in:
“The game is looking terrible. It’s a lot of guys out here, ‘CB4’ gangstas, making the rap game look bad. Fourteen-year-olds might be believing in these guys, and a lot of these guys that are here are walking train wrecks and they’re miserable. I pray for the upliftment of Hip Hop, so I’m working on this next album, NASDAQ Dow Jones, coming to y’all real soon.”
Yeesh, it’s a good thing The Be Sharps still have the copyright on the Bigger Than Jesus album title. Anyone think Jeff Jarrett will sign over the rights to Ain’t I Great!. How much longer do we have to wait before Nas is sweeping street corners and spitting unsolicited soliloquies for a can of Miller High Life like “The Mayor” in Do the Right Thing?
And, what’s with the CB4 bashing? OK, it’s deserved, but can we show a little love for co-star, Allen Payne? See, most of y’all are too young to remember, but 15 years ago, he was being groomed as the next non-threatening, take-home-to-mom minority that Will Smith has become.
As you can see, he had the light skin, the light eyes and the hair from TCB’s collection of African Pride. So, what happened? I don’t know, but when your name is below the billing of Brandy, that’s not a good sign.
Premature Incarceration?
Lil’ Kim is this much closer to becoming Shirley Bellinger’s bitch. Earlier this week, prosecutors presented videotaped evidence that refutes the entire premise of Miss Piggy’s perjury case.
See, a few years ago, in front of a grand jury, Kim denied any knowledge of a 2001 shootout in front of a radio station (yeah”¦the same station from the 50 Cent story above). But, surveillance tapes tell a different tale. They show Kim within an arm’s length of at least one of the shooters as his gun was being drawn. Her other arm was reportedly wrapped around a White Castle”¦franchise.
OK, OK”¦the Lil’ Kim fat jokes are played out. I’ve also tapped out on the “Kim can’t rap” and “Kim looks like crap” comments. So, until she’s actually convicted and sentenced to serve time, I’ll dutifully direct you here.
It’s a Lil’ Kim pictorial that chronicles her upcoming career moves. And, wasn’t the whole world waiting for White Chicks 2? Oh, look”¦you can mix Crisco with Cristal. If that doesn’t work, you can always wear it.
Sometimes the News Just Writes Itself
Limp Bizkit lead and Jeff Fernandez favorite, Fred Durst, is making moves on the motion picture playground. Although, his debut is a film short”¦in more ways than one. A three-minute sex video and several still photos have leaked to the internet, featuring Fred raw dogging some road beef.
It’s believed that Durst was hit by the same salacious saboteur that jacked information from Paris Hilton’s T-Mobile last month. So far, he’s taken it all in stride, even claiming that every has videotaped their sex acts at least once.
Wigga, please.
Like I need the added performance pressure? And, besides, Clint Eastwood notwithstanding, “actor” and “director” need to be two separate entities. Have we learned nothing from Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves or Waterworld or The Postman or”¦well, you get the idea.
To say nothing of the fact that most guys really can’t give more than one take in an evening, if you know what I mean. At least, not without their girl fixin’ them a sandwich followed by a one-hour power nap in between each scene.
Hey, speaking of which, am I the only one creeped out by that talking baby on those Quizno commercials? And, don’t get me started on how everything on their menu is like a tasty, toasted sandpaper sub when it hits the roof of my mouth.
It’s like meat wrapped around a mouthful of Cap’n Crunch.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
To: ajc
From: Nick Salemi
Subject: None
NIcka please = canclled…just woke up at 135AM…been asleep since 830
Get at me at nicksalemi@yahoo.com
General Haberdashery-Absolutely No Music References Edition
We’re now in the third round of the Inside Pulse MC Battle Royale! You won’t believe who was eliminated last week. John Cena? You’ll have to click n’ see, but I told you there’d be no music references this week. BURN!
And, if you’re in the market for some (more) pop culture and commentary, then visit the 2K5 force known simply as: Moodspins. Some of your favorite IP writers and a few new faces with some incredibly entertaining text on topics that are too taboo for the IP news. And, the readers’ responses are equally entertaining. Go read now, but come back for:
Fernandez takes on the unholy union of Jagermeister and Red Bull, with some Jolt Cola commentary mixed in for flavor flava. He also endorses Irish Car Bombs, which is odd for a man of Mexican descent, but reminds me of the Carlos Murphy’s chain, so it must be a good thing”¦likely served with tortilla chips and guacamole made fresh at your table.
Gloomchen goes after one of those internet wrestling elitists. Fanboys rejoice! It’s the only time you’ll ever find Funaki, Benoit, Jericho and J-Cup in her column. What the hell are you waiting for? Scott Keith’s been there for three days, already.
Mathan gives me a great idea for next week’s column”¦although, he doesn’t know it yet. In the meantime, his Top Ten list is really someone else’s Top Ten list, but he doesn’t agree with much of it, so I guess that makes it”¦something. Ooh, and dig those purty colors! Someone was awake during Intro to HTML!
J.A.M = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. Kids, if you don’t read any of his other columns this year, make sure you read this one. He’s got the best damn minute-by-minute Oscar recap that you’ll read Reid.
See, all you need is one good writer who knows everything about the movies. Is it really that hard? Apparently”¦but, not for Joe. Oh, and he finds time to slam heterosexual fans of Oz. Brilliant!
And, a little mo’ Joe for you”¦check out his post-show recap, now with 50% fewer subliminal Abe Simpson jabs at”¦oh, just go read it.
A is for me.
M is for TV Mathan. He’s not religious (sorry, Mitch Michaels) but, that doesn’t stop him from debating the merits of Amen vs. The Jeffersons. And, did you know that Sherman Helmsley was gay? No, seriously. Was I the last person to find this out? Now, we know what killed Weezy.
Junk Mail
Good news”¦no more Nas. The bad news”¦a bunch of emails taking me to task over this guy:
Exactly what do you have against Kanye West? You’re saying that he’s overexposed and we should all be tired of him, but he’s the most original voice in the game today. I really wish you’d say more than making snide comments and not-so-funny comparisons between him and Eddie Murphy. What do you have against his talent?”¦M.A.
C’mon”¦he is overexposed and I don’t think that’s up for debate. Six videos from one album, in addition to his shameless self-promoting pretty much speaks for itself. And, there’s nothing “original” about his voice or his message.
Lyrically, College Dropout contains many of the same elements of rap that all these conscious critics are quick to condemn. But, West gets a pass for his (admittedly) solid beats and affiliation with the few retail rappers, like Jay-Z, that both mainstream and independent fans can get down with.
And, for those who keep asking, in my mind College Dropout was a 7.0 or 7.5 on the Inside Pulse music scale. Good, but nowhere near great.
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Hey, just wondering what your plans are in regards to finishing up the Hall of Fame series you were doing over in sports? I’ve been enjoying every segment, but then it just stopped”¦A.D.
Well, hopefully, I’ll get that going again next week. Keep checking over there in the month of March, because once that’s done, I’ve got “That Bootleg Guy’s Baseball Preview” along with a little something I like to call: The Most Controversial Column in the History IP Sports”.
But, I don’t want to oversell it.
Life With the Bootleg Family
This is me”¦right now”¦.as you read this.
As I type this, it’s 2:00 AM on Friday morning. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
