SMACK this! – 03.03.05

SMACK this! (or, I can’t handle the tooth. Really.)

Quick Hit: Congrats to Papa Smark on his recent marriage. To… Mrs. Smark? Smarkette? I dunno, but congrats just the same. I hope it’s booked better than Hunter and Steph…

Yes, that was nearly as bad as I thought BEFORE I typed it.

One world, two brands, three times a lady…

A video recap of last weeks Celebration of Excellence, rudely interrupted by the Big Show and John Cena.

WORD LIFE! No theme song, no fireworks, no fisting. Well, yeah, the dopey fist is still there. TAPED, from the Pepsi Center, in Albany, NY, it’s SmackDown! John Cena bounds out to chat. Cena says he’s just like the people: sick of JBL. Cena also says that while JBL was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, Cena was busy hob-knobblin’ with the fans in the seats, saving his hard earned cash to see the shows. He was spending all day making signs and eating Doink the Clown. Ice cream bars. Hmm, maybe I should work on the punctuation. He busted up the party because he wants to fight. The people don’t care about limos, stock or the cabinet, they want to see a fight. JBL won’t fight; he’s ducking Cena (GOOSE – hey, that’s funny on about 2 1/2 levels!). So the fighting champion Cena will defend his US title tonight against Orlando Jordan, and JBL can throw himself another party, presenting himself with another award – WWE’s biggest bitch. At WrestleMania, it’ll be champion vs champion, and Cena will walk out with the WWE title. Decent interview, much better than the constant “raps”. Nice job.

Next, Tag Team Gold is on the line!

Commercials.

WWE Tag Team Championship: Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio(c) vs Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak. Looks like Reigns and Jindrak have put aside their differences. Replay shows the big left hook by Jindrak last week. Eddy and Reigns start off, with Eddy trying a go behind into a waistlock, but Reigns makes the ropes. Lockup again, and Reigns powers Eddy to the corner. No clean break (of course, says Cole – whatever happened to the wrestlers letting the fans figure who was “bad” and who was “good”? Why do we need a rube like Cole to tell us? Nothing Personal against Cole; he just sounds so damn fake. Schavione was like that in the Nitro years, but he had credibility with the fans dating back to the mid 80s in the Crockett days. Anyway…) Reigns whip in reversed by Eddy, who hits a reverse elbow and stomps on Reigns for a bit. Tag to Rey, who drops a double axe on Reigns Ribs (Hey! Something Luther can do after wrestling! Hopefully right after this show…). Reigns overpowers Rey and tags in Jindrak, who Cole calls one of the best “pure athletes” on the SD roster. Cripes, bring back KEVIN KELLY! Jindrak works Rey over on the ropes, whips him in, but Rey slides under Jindrak and does the Popeye Punch to Jindrak’s gut, snapmares him over, and hits the seated dropkiss to the face for a cover. But no ref, who is busy escorting Eddy back to his corner. Rey tries to send Jindrak for the ride, but is reversed into a Reigns assisted hot shot on the top rope. Reigns tags in while the ref continues to argue with Eddy, who won’t stay in his corner. Reigns continues to work over Rey, whipping him with force to the other corner. Jindrak tags back in and lays on the surfboard knee-to-the-back thingy. Rey escapes with a couple of elbows, then does that “lift me up so I can bulldog you” spot. Does that have a name? If not, THAT’S what I’m calling it from now on. Jindrak makes the tag, but Rey does not. A pair of elbows gets two. Reigns powers Rey into his teams’ corner, but blind charges into a foot, followed by a Rey forearm to Jindrak. Reigns though a spot that innovative should be done twice, so he we go again now. Jindrak gets knocked off the apron, so Rey rushes Reigns, who catches Rey for a side slam, but takes to long as Rey uses his momentum to flip out of it. Dropkick to the back sets Reigns up for the 619, but Jindrak catches Rey in the back with a knee on his run, so Eddy drops by to stunner Reigns via the ropes. Rey crawl through Reigns legs (ewww) to make the tag to Eddy! HE’S A JALEPENO ON FIRE, BOB! Dropkick by Eddy to Jindrak first, then to Reigns, who missed a noisy boot. That is such a cool little thing – knock down the fresh guy while the stunned guy is getting his bearings. Eddy jukes and jives a series of rights, knocking Reigns down. Reigns reverses a spanglish whip, but Eddy feeds him yummy feet in the form of a dropkick. Jindrak comes in, and reverse whips Eddy into the ropes. Eddy with a tilt a whirl reverse spinning head scissors. Geez, there has to be an easier thing to call that. Rey comes back in for the double ten punch, but Jindrak shoves Rey down. Jindrak lifts up Rey for a powerbomb but Rey punches Jindrak till he’s near the ropes, and Rey headscissors him over. Eddy with two out of three rolling verticals. But Reigns blocks the third, which gives Rey time hit a seated senton from the top rope. There’s third vertical! Jindrak pulls Rey out of the ring while Eddy gets froggy! As the ref counts the three, Rey hits an “inverted” (I’d call it a reverse, but whatever) 619 as the champs retain. ***. Great match! I know it seems high (or I might seem it), but Rey and Eddy were BRILLIANT in this little match, and Reigns and Jindrak held up their end too. Nice job.

Jindrak and Reigns spat some more, and Jindrak drops Reigns with that left. Wow, he sold like was Bart Gunn.

Tonight, a No Way Out rematch: Booker T. vs Heidenreich! Whew, for a second I thought it was gonna be… waitaminute…

Commercials.

31 days! Hey, that’s seven less days than what they said last week. HOLY MICK FOLEY! CONTINUITY!

Yas takes what yas can gets…

Cole and Tazz talk about the Kurt Angle attack on Shawn Michaels this past Monday. Viewers beware, this footage will be RAW. Meanwhile…

The SD! divas chat, when Dawn Marie drops by. She asks if anyone wants a drink, and a blonde says “Like, I’ll take a water!” Something snaps in Dawn (must be pre-rag) as she just verbally tears into the new girls. Michelle McCool gets in Dawn’s face, so Dawn offers a challenge for McCool’s first match – a mixed tag. I’m oddly amused and aroused at the same time. Awesome little heel promo. Meanwhile…

Long is chatting about Piper and Hogan in the Hall of Fame, when Carlito drops by. Long has Carlito’s first job – clear the snow outside for the fans. Carlito says no way, but Long says do it, or you’re gone from SD! Belee Dat! Being from Western NY, digging out of the 63 feet or so of snow that’s dropped in the last four days, I can totally appreciate this. That’s not cool, that’s cold! Meanwhile…

Booker T. stalks! Meanwhile, in a scary twist of irony, Cole rips ME off by saying “Meanwhile…”

WWE-ish promo of his Rock-ness for Be Cool, opening today. I’m guessing this is a bit of an apology from Vince for letting Rocks contract expire right under his nose.

Commercials.

Pipers Pit, with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Erm…

No Way Out Craptacular Rematch: Booker T. vs Heidenreich. I get a PPV match! I feel so lucky. Replay of the throat shot on Booker. Booker starts off quick in the corner, with chops and punches. Whip in and a reverse elbow for Heidenreich. Booker with stomps in the corner, as Cole says “he tried to take out his Adam’s apple, he tried to take his career!” No, he really said that. Booker with a suplex and more shots in the corner. Heidenreich powers out and works over Booker for a second, but Booker regains control with a low kick. Standing reverse kick only hits the shoulder, and by golly, Heidenreich sells it as such. Freaky. Big boot send Heidenreich outside, so Booker follows and works him over out there too. Cole sounds like an idiot, trying to put over a big Hall of Fame surprise, since Long just talked about it. Booker goes to whip Heidenreich to the post, but gets reversed and eats some STEEL. Heidy (is easier to type) kicks Booker while he’s down, and then send him back into the ring. Heidy sends Booker shoulder first into the post, and then crossface punches him for fun. Booker gets his arm wrapped around the post but kicks out of a two count. Heidy with a rear naked chokelock, as he does a Sid impression that is light years better than Sid’s. I swear, I just heard some of the crowd chant “We want Justice.” Now THAT is funny. Booker with a jawbreaker and a flurry of punches to make the comeback. Another crescent kick, which Cole calls to the jaw, but corrects himself by saying to the sternum. Standing leg lariat and Booker is fired up! More punches by Booker, as he tries to whip Heidy in, but is blocked. More punches, Heidy ain’t going. Finally a big chop lets Booker send him in, but Booker eats a foot and then takes a clothesline, selling 360 – Rikishi style. Heidy heads outside for a chair, but Booker kicks it back in his face. Booker wants to use the chair, but the ref talks him down. Heidy with a right, but Booker kicks him in the gut and DDTs Heidy on the chair, and finally Nick Patrick calls for a DQ. Kind of questionable decision there, but what can ya do? **. Started to get good for minute. Post match, Booker hit the axe kick and the Spinnerooni, but is never annouced as losing.

Graphic footage! Ooooo.

Commercials, including the new “A Few Good Men” parody for WM21. Fantabulous. “Big Shows loss, while tragic, probably saved this company.” HA!

Kurt Angle Invitational: Kurt Angle vs Footage from RAW. BEST.MATCH.EVER. The attack by Angle on Shawn Michaels at RAW is shown, in glorious black and white. Angle is pleased as punch and pie. Angle embarrassed HBK twice. First at the Royal Rumble, and again on Monday’s RAW. At WM21 he will embarrass Shawn again, and Angle will prove once and for all, that he is the greatest ever in the WWE.

Kurt Angle Invitational: Kurt Angle vs Scott Wright. Wright wears a hood down to the ring, and Kurt obviously thinks that it’s HBK. He’s not that gullible. Nope, just a kid, the aforementioned Wright, from Albany NY. Whoops, THERE’S Shawn, behind you Kurt, behind you, turn around –

(Sigh), yes I DID just yell that at my screen. A big pull apart brawl ensues. Nice way to build for WM, but I would have waited a week, and had Shawn show up next week (no RAW) and had him be a challenger for Angle’s medal. No big brawl, just a challenge, which Angle loses by DQ with 5 seconds left (the Medal doesn’t change hands on a DQ), and THEN do the big brawl. Four weeks to go, and they’ve already shot their wad. Poor kids these days…

Commercials.

Moments ago, Shawn masquerades as a camera person.

During the break, Long isn’t hatin’ on Shawn, but he’s gotta go. Shawn says “we’re cool, homie.” HOLLA!

Mixed Tag Team Match: Dawn Marie & Rene Dupree vs Michelle McCool & The Big Show. Good choice, as the heels get all nervous and stuff. McCool and Dawn start. Dawn knocks her down and stands on McCool’s hair and pulls her up by her arms. Three times, but McCool hits a knee to the head. Kip up by McCool, so Dawn whips her in, but McCool cartwheels out of it. McCool off the ropes, into an awful crossbody block for two. Dawn baits her in, but kicks her in the gut, so McCool goes for a springboard back elbow, but springs too soon and has to backpedal for the elbow. Yikes, that was bowling shoe ugly. Dawn droptoeholds McCool into the bottom rope and tags in Dupree. He does the French dance over McCool, but McCool gets a knee up for the low blow as Show distracts the ref. Show gets the tag, does the dance (HA!), takes a few punches, chokeslam, goodnight Irene. DUD for the match, *** for the show. Let’s call it * 3/4. Papa Smark would NOT say “Entertaining Crap”, but I would.

Commercials.

Outside, Carlito has trouble with the snow, as a car passes and splashes him. Yeah, it was fairly obvious, but cute. Meanwhile…

Hulk Hogan joins the class of 2005. Could he really be retired? Poor Hot Rod though, always getting trumped by the goblin. Meanwhile…

John Bradshaw Layfield walks for a talk. No limo, no cabinet, no woman, no cry. JBL wants a couple of answers. He doesn’t understand why he doesn’t deserve a celebration. Cena has made a mockery of the US Title, and himself. Can’t disagree there. He hates Cena and the people he represents. JBL doesn’t pay to see the people, the people pay to see him. JBL is a wrestling GOD. Gods do not pay to see anybody. JBL is proud of his roots, and calls the people in the stands the scourge of America. He really gets megalomaniacal here, which is cool with me. He’d better start getting some respect, or he’s gonna leave! So he does. The crowd sings Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye to JBL. Cute. The camera follows him out, as he tells the Bashams to leave with him. But Orlando Jordan has to stay, and bring some integrity back to this show and the US title. Oh yeah, Jordan better win, or he’s out of the Cabinet! The whole promo was pretty fantastic.

Commercials.

Christie Hemme is on the NEW Playboy, out next week. Meanwhile…

Chavo stops in to say hi to Rey, who gives him love. Chavo starts to mention something about Eddy, but says he’ll tell him later. Rey is all like “whazzup?” Chavo says that Rey beat Eddy the last few times they’ve met, and Eddy hates to lose, so Eddy is keeping his friends close, but his enemies closer. Chavo’s parting advice: “You can never trust a Guerrero…” Of course he can’t trust Chavo either, but Chavo doesn’t care. He just wants to plant that seed of doubt. Nice bit of revenge that almost tracks with past storylines, believe it or not. Meanwhile…

Backstage, Show and a SD Diva talk. Enter Funaki, who asks Show about facing the sumo guy. Show says any match, anyplace, anytime; he’d be honored. Meanwhile…

RAW Rebound! Cripes, HHH even TALKS like Lemmy. I’ve heard of hero worship, but this is getting scary. Meanwhile…

Next on SD! US Championship!

Commercials.

WM Recall: Jake the Snake vs Honky Tonk Man. From WM III. Honky wins, but Hart gets the Snake, courtesy of Jake’s second, Alice Cooper.

Main Event: WWE US Championship: John Cena(c) vs Orlando Jordan. Cena is totally looking like he knows he’s losing tonight. Lockup and a schoolboy by Cena gets two. Lockup again, but Jordan nails him with a knee and a forearm into a headlock takedown, which Cena rolls into a two count on Jordan. Jordan charges but Cena hits a BAAAAACCCKK body drop, a clothesline and a fisherman’s suplex (PerfectPlex) for two. Cena send Jordan from one corner to the next, but eats boot on the blind charge. Jordan charges but get hooked in a sidewalk slam. Cena with the five-knuckle shuffle, and Jordan rolls outside as we break for…

Commercials.

We’re back, and Cena hits a hiptoss for two, into a side headlock. Jordan fire a few elbows to escape, ducks a Cena clothesline, who ducks a Jordan flying body attack. Scoop slam (properly identified by Cole – good boy) and a dancing legdrop gets two for Cena. Tries a cover twice more, no dice. Cena plays bouncy with Orlando’s head on the turnbuckle. Right and a kick. Rinse and repeat. Cena just stomps him for fun, then snapmares him over into more headlockery. Jordan powers up to his feet and backs Cena into the corner. Minor Jordan chant here. Hmm. Tried a heel punch on the break, but Cena blocks and punches out. Jordan with a thumb to the eye, and folds Cena up with feet on the ropes for two only. Jordan goes to the top and crossbody blocks Cena, but Cena rolls through for two. Cena backs Jordan into the corner again and hits the ten count punches, but Jordan powerbombs Cena and gets two. Jordan hits a big right hand for another two count. Another cover, another two. Jordan just wails on Cena now, trying another cover for two. Jordan is getting frustrated here, so he sends Cena for the ride and hits a high elbow (which Cole calls an Eyeble – I think I’ll use that from now on) for two. Snapmare by Jordan into a chinlock with a knee in Cena’s back. Cena elbows out, but a knee from Jordan stops that. Jordan with a bodyslam and a running legdrop for two. Jordan with a rear naked chokelock as Cena fights out again, and switches to the other side for a side suplex. Cena charges but runs into a powerslam (properly misidentified by Cole – you friggin lummox) for two. Jordan sends Cena for the ride, but Cena ducks and hits a shoulder block on the way back, and the ten cont is on. Jordan has the chain, but Cena eyebles Jordan and the chain falls to the outside. Cena coming back now – a trifecta of clotheslines and a whip to the corner, followed by an inverted atomic drop and a sort of Throwback for two. Cena with a spinning slam (more like a powerbomb) and Cena pumps up the shoes. Cena with the FU, but here come the Bashams. One of them gets knocked off the apron, while the other comes from the top rope, but Cena blocks and nails the FU on him. No DQ yet, as the Bashams haven’t touched Cena yet. Cena goes after Jordan, who is draped over the bottom rope on the announcers side, but JBL pops up and waffles Cena with the WWE title belt, while the ref is rolling the Bashams out of the ring. Jordan climbs onto Cena and three counts later we have a NEW US Champion! **1/2. WAY better than it had any right to be (slight overbooking aside), carried surprisingly well by Cena. Post match, the Cabinet celebrates up the ramp as we go off the air.

MUCH better show wrestling wise than the last two weeks, and that’s all I really need. See ya next week!

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