Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Jones Soda Co.; ballsy enough to manufacture a soda that’s turkey and mashed potatoes-flavored.
Well, it was inevitable. For the past two months, just about everybody at work has been sick, ranging from head cold, to flu, to the dreaded mononucleosis. On top of that, I deal with the public, so people are coughing in my face all day as well as co-workers. Seriously, folks, covering your face when expelling germ-carrying agents is not that difficult of a task. You are boorish not to do so. In any event, my immune system finally conceded defeat on Thursday, despite my efforts to curtail any infirmities by taking copious amounts of Vitamin C and echinacea and washing my hands every 15 minutes like some sort of obsessive/compulsive. As a result, I feel like ass; my throat is on fire and my head feels like it’s about to explode. I LOVE IT!
Ed Rigel writes…
I had the chance to rid the world of “that f*cking shitstarter,” as you have referred to him. I manage a pet store in Atlanta, and on Saturday morning one of my cashiers informed me that a famous rapper had just walked in the door. We spent the next few minutes discussing the $350,000 Bentley GT he was driving. I was starting to walk away and the last question out of my mouth was, “Who is he, anyways?” The response: “They call him Lil Jon.” I had to stop myself from saying, “You mean that f*cking shitstarter who’s responsible for everything that’s wrong in the world?” I spent the next ten minutes plotting how I could get one of my ferrets to attack and rip his throat out, thus ridding the world of that no-talent hack. Alas, before I could act on my plan, he was gone. Don’t worry, I’ll get him next time.
I’m counting on it, sir. If you manage to get a ferret to rip Lil Jon’s throat out, and get pictures, The Saturday Swindle Sheet will buy you your own $350,000 Bentley GT. And if it’s Fred Durst, the Bentley will be gold-plated. Get to work…
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
I feel like shit and don’t have the energy to type up interesting sentences for my plugs this week. So, instead, I’m just going to do generic one-word links, and accompany them with a naked picture of Denise Richards, who not only appeared in a recent issue of Playboy, but also just filed for divorce from husband Charlie Sheen… Cheers!
Mike Eagle
Mathan
D’Estroyer
Gloomchen
KDP on Coachella
Michaelangelo’s MC Battle Royale continues…
Anberlin review
NEWS TO USE
50 Cent announced that Monday on New York’s Hot 97 that he was kicking The Game out of his G-Unit group, stating that his former protégé (read: bitch) had been disloyal to him. 50 Cent said that The Game had refused to take his side in his recent feuds against other rappers, such as Jadakiss, Nas, and Fat Joe, which were fueled by some harsh invectives that many saw as unjustified and proof that 50 Cent is a giant prick. Soon after his statements, two incidents occurred, which investigators say were probably set into motion by The Game after hearing that he was kicked out of G-Unit. According to reports, associates of The Game had apparently heard the comments by 50 Cent, and went down to the radio station to confront him (It is still unclear whether The Game himself was involved first-hand.). As his entourage encountered said associates, some heated words were exchanged, and one of 50 Cent’s associates was shot in the thigh. The second incident, which is thought to be related, occurred outside of offices of Violator (who manage 50 Cent), when two men reportedly fired several shots though the front door of the building. Nobody was injured in that incident. Hopefully, the entire rivalry culminates in a giant showdown in which 50 Cent and The Game kill each other and we never have to hear from either one of these troublemakers again. They are honesty useless and the rap world would be better off without pieces of shit like them.
During the perjury trial of Lil’ Kim, who is charged with having lied to a federal grand jury when asked about her business associates’ participation in a 2001 shootout with a rival rap contingent outside of a New York City radio station, one of the rapper’s associate admitted that he had taken part in the gunfight. The man had reportedly opened fire on the other party with a machine gun during the melee. A machine-gun? A FUCKING MACHINE-GUN? I hate to admit it, but that’s pretty hardcore. The Saturday Swindle Sheet sent our ace reporter, Elliot Smilowitz, to interview Lil’ Kim…
Elliot: So your buddy used a machine gun during a gunfight in the street? Should we expect to see more machine guns in rap shootouts?
Lil’ Kim: I don’t know…
Elliot: What about AK-47s? What if Biggie had been assassinated with an AK-47? Would that have made it more dramatic? Or if 2Pac was killed by a flamethrower or a bazooka?
Lil’ Kim: I have no idea.
Elliot: Are you going to do Old Navy commercials anymore?
Lil’ Kim: Possibly. I have this trial to take…
Elliot: What if in the next Old Navy commercial, you shot Morgan Fairchild with a rocket-propelled grenade? Do you think that would sell more cargo pants?
Lil’ Kim: Huh?
Elliot: You heard me.
Brian “Head” Welch recently told reporters that since finding God, he is going to be focusing on making music with a “Christian, spiritual edge to it,” and will also be donating large sums of money to helping out kids by building skate parks and other related youth activities. He also announced that he would be recording a cover of U2’s “With or Without You,” along with several other songs that is writing while in Israel on a missionary trip with members of his church.
Alanis Morissette will mark the 10th anniversary of the release of her hit album Jagged Little Pill this summer by releasing an acoustic version of the album, with all of the songs in their original order. The acoustic set will also include participation from Glen Ballard, who produced and co-wrote the original 1995 album. The album will be available at participating North American Starbucks outlets starting on June 13th, and then on July 26th it will be available everywhere records are sold. The album is still untitled, but The Saturday Swindle Sheet has an EXCLUSIVE tip that it will called Hey, Remember That Hit Album I Had That I Was Never Able to Successfully Follow Up? You heard it here first.
Glen Matlock, a founding member of always volatile, exciting, and equally profane Sex Pistols, recently interviewed for a British documentary, stating that he’d like to see an end put to swearing on British television. The former bassist, who co-wrote classics like “God Save the Queen” and “Anarchy in the U.K.” told reporters for X-Rated: The Television Shows They Tried to Ban, “It’s pathetic when people swear for the sake of it. Something ought to be done about it,” adding that he hated to have his two young children hearing swear words on television. He later admitted that he was just mad that he got kicked out of the band in favor of Sid Vicious, who could play no instruments well, but got added to the lineup because he had stated that he enjoyed swearing at children.
Quick Bits
Martin Denny, composer of “Harlem Nocturne” and other tracks dubbed “exotica” in the 1950s, has died at the age 93, of natural causes. Denny was one of several popular lounge artists that were influenced by Polynesian and Hawaiian folk tunes.
Britney Spears recently announced via her Web site that she has adopted the Jewish spiritual movement known as cabala, after having been exposed to it by Madonna, a devout follower.
Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page, Jeff Beck, Phil Collins, Brian May, Shirley Bassey, Roger Daltrey, and other British musicians met with Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace on Tuesday, honoring the British music industry.
Master of the house/ Doling out the charm /Ready with a handshake and an open palm…
Former 3 Doors Down drummer Daniel Adair has joined Nickelback after their drummer Ryan Vikedal left a couple of months ago. You fans of shitty rock can now rejoice.
Nine Inch Nails, Coldplay, and Bon Jovi are among several artists that will perform at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino between April 29th and May 1st, in celebration of its 10th anniversary.
FROM THE LABELS
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Oysterhead, “The Army’s on Ecstasy”
Dave Matthews Band, “Don’t Drink the Water”
K’s Choice, “Not an Addict”
Pharoahe Monch, “The Light”
Incubus, “A Certain Shade of Green”
Nirvana, “Heart-Shaped Box”
Kool G Rap, “It’s a Shame”
Basement Jaxx, “Romeo”
Weezer, “El Scorcho”
Phoenix, “Too Young”
LTJ Bukem, “Demon’s Theme”
North Mississippi Allstars, “Shake ’em On Down”
The Normal, “Warm Leatherette”
Binary Star, “Glenn Close”
The White Stripes, “Fell in Love with a Girl”
Wang Chung, “Dance Hall Days”
Pigface, “Asphole”
Soft Cell, “Tainted Love”
Ministry, “Work for Love”
Count Basie & Tony Bennett, “With Plenty of Money and You”
Beck, “Tropicalia”
Blackstreet, “No Diggity” [f/Dr. Dre]
Bananarama, “Venus”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Former Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash is pleading for the return of his famous top hat, which was reportedly stolen during the Grammy Awards ceremony. “I’ve worn that hat for 12 years,” he told reporters. “It’s my lucky hat and I want it back.” The man who stole it has contacted representatives for the artist, but says that he won’t hand it over unless he receives a “reward.” BC Ethics, which Slash has an apparel contract with, is currently offering $5000 for the hat’s safe return, and Slash is offering a kick in the johnson.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and this is how I chill from ’93 ’til.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
