The Double-Team Short Form, 03.03-04.05

I have been unbelievably stressed-out all week, folks. My back’s been killing me, my knees have been killing me, my brain’s been killing me…the only problem is that they won’t finish the f*cking job. That sorta killed Wednesday (although it’s great to see Haley back on the beat; we’ve missed him); besides, the only story that tickled my alleged fancy was Ron Jeremy lecturing at the Oxford Union. And it’s messed up my timing. Idiot me, I forgot to start downloading Smackdown before I left for work Friday morning (which means that I actually could have done it Friday afternoon after I got home and before I collapsed completely); that caused a major delay on this thing. Then on Saturday, I was still so stressed that I decided to take a K-Dawg at about three in the afternoon. Naturally, I started to fall asleep, so I thought, “Self, take a nap, wake up, and do Smackdown”. The nap in question lasted ten and a half hours. So, as I’m starting to type this, it’s four in the morning on Sunday, and I’m waiting for Impact to finish downloading. I know, sucks to be me, especially since I have to watch Smackdown. The only good thing is that I remembered the muscle relaxant I was taking that actually worked for me (Flexaril, in case you’re wondering), so that when I go to my shrink on Tuesday morning, I can tell her to write me a scrip for it. So, let’s pull the trigger on this…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Eddy y Rey-Rey over Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak (Pinfall, Eddy pins Reigns, frog splash: I was so enthused by this match that I put it on pause and did my dishes. Dull match and a complete misfit for Eddy and Rey-Rey. They tried their best, though; it’s tough having to carry Team Angle.

Tag Team champion synergy

The definition of “size mismatch”

Jim Korderis yet again deciding to interfere in the progress of a match

Jindrak showing off his best wrestling move

Jon Heidenreich over Booker T (DQ, Fun With Chairs): The rematch no one wanted. This was the “make more coffee” match. The highlight was Michael Cole pimping Hogan’s HoF entry as a surprise when it was mentioned by Tazz during the transition from the commercial prior to this match. Jesus, Cole, you’ve improved so much. Don’t start reverting to your previous ditz persona.

Booker whips out the back kick. You know it’s a match-by-numbers when that happens.

The Big Show and Michelle McCool over Dawn Marie and Rene Dupree (Pinfall, TBS pins Dupree, chokeslam): Another “prep for the ECW PPV match”, I suppose. Hey, it wouldn’t be an ECW PPV without a chickfight. Oh, God, why am I bothering to justify the existence of this match?

Rene Dupree and the dog. And Fifi.

From a PPV main event to a mixed tag comedy match. Talk about a letdown.

And yet again Charles Robinson gets the chick match. Lucky bastard.

Orlando Jordan over John Cena, United States Championship Match (Pinfall, Greco-Roman belt shot, New US Champion): Well, Cena had to drop the strap before WM in order not to hold both the WWE and US belts simultaneously (a situation that always sucks). Did it have to be in a match that was ten plus minutes of restholds and spastic booking? If this was bad, wait until WM. That match is going to be a train wreck.

Gee, a sideslam. Yawn.

And now a headlock. Yawn squared.

And now a rear naked choke. Yawn cubed.

Angle Developments:

Breaking Up Is Easy To Do: Well, Reigns is having a little tiff with Jindrak. Will Angle intervene? And who’s turning face here? Nobody would give a shit if it’s Jindrak, and there are few who care if it’s Reigns. I think they’re trying to get some heat for Jindrak here on the face side, but it’s not going to work. Yuck.

Reigns gives an appropriate bitch-slap to Jindrak

Aren’t you sick of Joy getting into catfights?

In Authority Again: Boy, they are really keeping Carly in the public eye. First the petition angle, now the personal servant angle. Why exactly is he getting this push? You thought you wondered why Randy Orton was getting a good push during his injury? This is ridiculously overexposed compared to that one.

Carly gets the snow job from Long, and the audience gets the snow job from “creative”

Sowing Discontent: So Chavito is trying to get between Eddy and Rey-Rey. Didn’t we see this done better with Christian, Jericho, and Trish? And if you can’t trust a Guerrero, then how can you trust Chavito when he says that Eddy is Rey-Rey’s enemy? That’s a logical paradox.

And here’s another snow job

Well, gee, look who showed up. What a surprise.

Jesus Fucking Christ, can’t you do something original?

Fleabag says he loves High-Quality Speaker Boy. I agree, just as long as he’s not wrestling.

High-Quality Speaker Boy gets an eentsy-weentsy bit racist with his Chief of Staff

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

I hate the cocksucking uploader who kept in the commercials. Normally uploaders do the nice thing and cut the commercials out. Now I have to FF through that shit to get to the stuff I’m covering. I hate being inconvenienced.

Match Results:

Chris Sabin over Michael (Shane) (Pinfall, Cradle Shock, Time of Match: 4:03): First they cut his partner. Then they want him to use his cousin’s finisher. Then they drop his last name. What do the bookers have against Michael Shane?

So they kept him and got rid of Kazarian. Explain that.

Like Sabin flying. Hate the f*cking crawl.

Shane Stevens, Andy Douglas, and Chris Candido over Elix Skipper, Mikey Batts, and Petey Williams (Pinfall, Stevens pins Batts, Assist From Candido, Time of Match: 3:25): Hmmm, Candido without Sytch is actually tolerable. Of course, blowing a spot like having to pull himself into a Tree of Woe makes me yet again wonder about that judgment. As for the rest of the match, why is Mikey Batts getting a push? Don’t they need him as a JTTS anymore? And why is Candido performing sacrilege by doing a diving headbutt?

The flip’s great, but after the ‘rana in the cage match, strangely unsatisfying

Time to play “Who’s the Face?” again

Mikey Batts gets some offense in against Shane Stevens. And weirdly enough, I’ve covered all six guys in the match with screen caps.

Dustin Rhodes over Eric Young (Pinfall, powerslam, Time of Match: 2:59): TNA needs to get a clue about something: if Dustin Rhodes isn’t wearing a gold bodysuit, we don’t give a shit about him. And no bullrope match with Raven can change that.

To get one in the face from D’Amoron must be a humiliation for Dustin Rhodes

But getting it from Eric Young may be more humiliating

A. J. Styles over Kid Kash, X Division Title Match (Pinfall, Northern Lights suplex, Time of Match: 16:24): I’m not that big a fan of Kid Kash, but I have to give him a LOT of credit for keeping up with A. J. for sixteen minutes plus. No real restholds, fast pace, lots of good action. Compare this main to Smackdown’s and you can see why the X Division is superlative. Bravo to both guys.

I’m sorry, but Kid Kash should not wear silver tights and a choker

An A. J. Styles dropkick is a thing of beauty

Okay, a ‘rana outside the ring. That’s cool.

Nice surfboard from Kid Kash

No, an extremely nice surfboard from Kid Kash

No, those silver tights are not flattering to Kash’s ass

Well, I have to get some A. J. offense in here

Angle Developments:

The Good Things In Life: Does it get any better than Monty Brown doing a Mork and Mindy reference during a promo? I think not.

Monty cutting another great promo. So what else is new?

Stipulation Stupidity: So the world title match at Destination X is going to be a lumberjack match. Excuse me, but can we get something a little more interesting than that? I can’t think of anything more boring than seeing one guy get the shit beaten out of him outside the ring. If the participants didn’t turn you off of the match, the stip will.

Jeff Jarrett, Dusty Rhodes, and Billy Outlaw: isn’t that nightmare material?

No, THIS is nightmare material

TNA, the home of sluts hanging around fat old guys

And this old guy is going to be leaving the building. Until Tuesday, have an enjoyable time.

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