WWE Sunday Night Heat Report 6/3/05


WWE Bottomline Report 6/3/05

WWE Credits. Recap from 10 weeks ago, with Batista signing the contract to face HHH at Wrestlemania. TEN weeks ago? This show’s lying to us already.

WWE Bottomline; the only place where they let you watch for three weeks picking up clues to win a chance to go to wrestlemania, and on the last one, they cut the power. Mark Loyd says hi, and is either really depressed, or has a cold. This past Monday, HHH apparently had some retribution up his sleeve. That’s 2 lies, now.

Anyways, we go back to the promo last Monday where HHH announced that he was Batista’s father…metaphorically, anyway. Wrestlemania will be a lesson in child-rearing, according to HHH. “I will show you the difference between doing good and being good.” Not too bad of a promo, anyway. Then, for whatever reason, the Hurricane interrupts. HHH knees him out of the ring, rams him into the steel steps, stomps his head down on it, and then does it again. He pounds down on Hurricane until limp, then drags him to the rampway and growls at the crowd. He picks him up and hits a pedigree on the steel. HHH then gets back into the ring, picks up his title, and says that when Batista gets there, he’ll be beaten within an inch of his life.

As An Aside…That beatdown would have been 100% more effective if HHH had pulled a Taz and called Hurricane “Batista” and made it all metaphor like, to go along with the father-son promo.

Meanwhile, Batista arrives and sarcastically blows off Coach.

Meanwhile, HHH is watching the broadcast, defying every rule of naturalism theatre.

Up next, Jericho makes a statement.


WWE Rewind: Chris Masters killing the ROH pure Champ, whatshisname last Monday.

Mark Loyd hates to state the obvious (lie number 3!) But Masters is a force to be reckoned with. Man, Mark sounds like he’s ready to cry. Anyways, back to Monday, where Jericho goes up and hits Maven with a reverse elbow, and then applies the Walls Of Jericho, and gets the submission victory! Jericho grabs a mic and announces that he has plans to make history at Wrestlemania with 5 guys and a ladder. In a match.

Mark Loyd says that knowing Jericho, he can’t disappoint (lie #4!) And wrestlemania is shaping up to be an historic night (#5!) And later on, we’ll talk about the latest inductee to the Hall of fame.

Up next, Benjamin fights Shelton for the third time in a row.


WWE Event listings…Wednesday, March 16th, Batista and Benoit will be at the Avison Young Club in Calgary to promote the show for later that night where they will promote the first show in Victoria since 1997. And yet they don’t say when the show for Victoria will be. Nutty.

And now the Juicy Drop Pop(?) Recalls…Edge taunting and maiming Shawn Michaels two weeks ago.

This past week, Shawn Michaels and Edge fought…but we’ll get to that later. First we’ll talk about 3 weeks ago, when Snitsky hit Benjamin with a steel chair and got DQ’d. Then, 2 weeks ago, Shelton popped Snitsky with a chair to even it out. Last week, it was zero tolerance, and if Benjamin got DQ’d, he’d lost the title. Snitsky throws Benjamin out of the ring, then throws him back in and does his tarzan impression. Also, he grabs a chair and swings, but misses, and Benjamin gets a dropkick. Irish whip reversal leads to the tallest reverse DDT I’ve ever seen on Snitsky. Stinger Splash in the corner, followed by a T-Bone Suplex gives Shelton the victory.

Up next, Christy Hemme shows her Playboy cover. So?

Wrestlemania Recall – 1988, Andre talks to Bob Eucker and strangles him. Nice.


Smackdown Event listings…May 31st in Edmonton.

Nice segue from Victoria telling people to come to live events because she gave Trish a black eye at one to Christy Hemme’s segment. A little video showing people from Playboy saying how spunky and bubbly Christy is. Anyways, she reveals the cover, and it says “WWE Champion Nude”…Bradshaw? Eww (also, lie #6). Trish comes out and notices the little lie, and spraypaints the “WWE Champ” part, and then goes over her face, which leads to a slap from Christy, which leads to a chick kick from Trish, breaking her shoe on her head. Due to the rating on the show, we can’t show it, and Mark Loyd says “I’ll give you a clue, it’s bad.” (Lie #7, it wasn’t THAT bad).

WWE Events..Tomorrow at Norfolk, Monday in Raleigh, One week from tonight in Mobile, one week from tomorrow in Dothan, and one week from Monday, they’re in Atlanta.

Also, May 28th in the PNE Agrodome in Vancouver, and May 29th in Victoria.


The John Cena/JBL talk about the legalities of outside interference. In a ‘parody’ piece, a hell of a lot of logic that works with JBL’s character is in there.

Mark Loyd doesn’t know what’s better, that piece or the actual one from A Few Good Men (Lie #8, there’s still no comparison, idiot.)

And now we get the video of Hulk Hogan being added to the list of WWE Hall of Fame.

Mark Loyd thinks it’s great news (Lie #9. Now we have to deal with Hogan at Wrestlemania somehow) and mentions Superstar Billy Grahm, who was a huge influence on Hulk Hogan (Lie #10, he was an influence to Scott Steiner) who talks to Randy Orton about making impacts at Wrestlemania, which leads to the idea of Randy Orton facing the Undertaker.

Up Next, Batista explains himself.


Wrestlemania in 4 weeks! Mark Loyd talks about last Monday, where Batista calls HHH ‘maybe’ the best there’s ever been. He defends HHH’s credentials, and calls himself bigger, badder, and smarter. I gotta say, Batista is doing untold good PR for wrestling by wearing suits everywhere. He gets interrupted by HHH (not wearing a suit) and Ric Flair (sport jacket and turtleneck). Batista knocks Flair down, and notices that HHH is hesitating, so he hits Flair again and goes back to Flair and hits a spinebuster, and HHH Hesitates again. Batista is all smiles this whole time, and HHH slowly backs away. Batista then does the ‘thumbs down’ pose again, and I’m hoping he doesn’t keep doing that, because I’d love it if Batista was smart enough not to have catchphrases for once. Just to send the point home, Batista hits a demon bomb on Flair.

Mark Loyd points out that this was a stupid plan by HHH…or was it? HHH in the back books Flair VS Batista for next Monday.

Up next, a huge announcement concerning Wrestlemania, and Edge tries to make sure Shawn Michaels doesn’t even make it to Wrestlemania.


And now, Mark would like to congratulate Jessica Covert (sp? I’m going by his pronunciation) for winning the Bottomline contest for Wrestlemania. Good for her.

And now the announcement, which is Pipers Pit returning at Wrestlemania 21, and Stone Cold Steve Austin as the special guest. Mark says that nobody knows what will happen (lie #10, at least three people know).

And then we go back to Monday night’s main event, Edge VS Shawn Michaels in a street fight. For some reason there’s a ladder erected by the ring, as Edge pulls a steel chair out from under the ring, kicks Shawn, and stands the chair up in the ring. Shawn comes back with a chop, but Edge gets up first and hits a leaping DDT on the chair. This cuts to Mark Loyd (?) Saying that we can’t show the rest of the match because there was simply too much blood in the match. However, he does cut to the end of the match (in Black and White, too!) With Kurt Angle running in and doing a major beat down on Shawn Michaels. There is all sorts of blood everywhere, here, so I’m guessing they were just running short on time. Kurt grabs a mic, and accepts Shawn Michaels’ challenge for Wrestlemania, and security finally comes down and Angle leaves through the crowd. Then, we cut to Smackdown, where some guy in a hood comes down for the Kurt Angle Invitational, but it ain’t Shawn. No, the guy behind Kurt, the guy with the big black moustache and the wig operating the Camera was Shawn. Shawn gets in some brutal shots on Kurt before the Smackdown security (much faster than Raw’s) comes down to stop it all, and that’s our show.

I’m liking Mark Loyd’s somber tone this week. It’s more sincere sounding than his usual pimping voice. Still, there was TEN bold faced lies over the course of an hour. That’s…actually pretty low for WWE. I’m impressed.

K Sawyer Paul is the author of This is Sports Entertainment: The Secret Diary of Vince McMahon, co-editor of Fair to Flair, and curator at Aggressive Art.