Crucify This!


No Crucifix. That’s right, no Crucifix. I’ve suspended the ‘Fix to take a look at the ongoing real life drama going on in WWE, and what they can do about it or with it. So, without further ado, the saga of Matt Hardy, Amy Dumas, Adam Copeland, Glenn Jacobs, The Dead Baby, Gene Snitsky, Jeff Hardy, and Shane Helms…


We all remember the baby Angle. We thought it was the worst thing since Kwang. Actually, we didn’t go that far. We tolerated it and even enjoyed it to an extent. Kane, acted, and did a somewhat convincing job. Lita acted…poorly. Matt Hardy got out of the whole thing with a knee injury and Gene Snitsky somehow made his name off of it. For those new fans, this was the premise: Kane kept harassing Lita and beating the tar out of Matt. After a while Lita said, “Yes” to some question Kane had asked her. She wound up pregnant with a fire-breathing baby. Matt wasn’t too happy, and fought Kane. Kane won and married Amy. Gene Snitsky then hit Kane with a chair, causing Kane to fall onto Lita, which caused a miscarriage. Kane fought Snitsky for way too long and it was over about a month ago.

The Results Of The Baby Angle:

1.) Matt Hardy sidelined, making him unable to be around Amy (real life now) all the time.
2.) Gene Snitsky elevated farther than a man of his talents should.
3.) Amy’s knee injury, but we’ll get to that.
4.) The beginning of the Edge, as he was watching and admiring the whole time.

Lita and Trish

During her pregnancy, Lita was harassed a great deal by Trish Stratus. This led to their feud, which led to Lita getting injured. They had a phenomenal match for the Women’s Title, being the main event on Raw. This match saw Lita almost die taking a bump outside of the ring, and it also saw Lita win the title. However, at the very next PPV, New Year’s Revolution, Lita would drop the title after injuring her knee. You could say that karma was kicking in. Out of all of this, Trish looked great and Lita was getting there. The injury blew that straight to hell.

The Results Of Lita and Trish:

1.) Trish Stratus loses the other part of the Women’s Division.
2.) Amy goes home to fix her knee.
3.) Amy is now around Matt more, but under her pants, her mommy/daddy button says, “You think you know me.”
4.) Copeland stops getting laid.

What In The Bloody Hell Is Going On Here!

Some of us knew Matt should be looking out:

Now seriously, as we’ve been reporting here and you have seen all over the place, the mystery banger was Adam Copeland, happily known as Edge. The story goes like this, from what we’ve gotten: Copeland got married in October and started nailing Dumas in December, while Matt was out. So then Amy busts up her knee at New Year’s Revolution, which makes Copeland go limp because his bang bunny is sidelined. His wife, knowing that a marriage shouldn’t work this way, finds out who he is “spearing” and finds out about his secret cell phone with Amy. She promptly let’s Matt know. Matt blows up and his website becomes a best seller. Somewhere around here we all laugh. Then we find out it was Copeland. This is shocking to me, because I thought it was Kamala. However, upon finding out that it was Edge of all people, I posed this question to some of the IP Staff: If you were WWE, what would you do with the Edge situation? Hands off make it an angle?…what would you do?

Masa Widro, The Pulse King: If i were WWE, I’d have to leave it alone. The reason is that WWE has no rules or guidelines for conduct, even if this seems horrible to us
Things like this happen in every company, and if there are no rules about it, then i don’t see them taking any action.

Sky Captain Kurtis Osterlund: This could be the greatest angle ever if they just worked it. Hell, mix Kane in there to start. And Snitsky “it wasn’t his fault!”. The potential for this is through the roof!

Rob “G-Spot” Blatt: These are three high profile wrestlers and dropping one simply is not an option here. Also, demoting someone won’t help either. Lita, while now on the shelf, is one quarter of the women’s division. Matt Hardy is the victim here and they’ve spent nearly a year pushing Edge to get him to where he is now. All three people are too important to demote or drop them. They’ve also paid too much money to rehab these people. Someone’s must go to Smackdown as soon as possible to dispel this backstage drama.

Matt “It Wasn’t My Fault” Michael: I’d start showing video of Edge lying on the ground pre-No Way Out 2003 (the storyline reason he was hurt for a year getting neck surgery). During Edge matches. This would happen each week for 2-3 weeks. Of course the video packages would reveal that Edge was NEVER ACTUALLY HURT. There’ll be hidden cameras showing that Edge faked the injury, and while he did have nagging aches and pains to recover from, in fact he stayed out longer than he had to. One clip will even be Edge on the phone with Christian, bragging about how he had a “long, paid vacation” that would “make the fans love me” when he made his surprising return. That would, of course, be followed by clips of his return, and how despite spearing Bischoff, a hot feud with Kane and then Randy, and his attempts to take out Evolution one by one, he STILL wasn’t loved. Of course, this led to him turning on Benoit, getting all bitter, etc., etc. And the narrator of the video package would explain this… “First, Edge tried to win the fans over with sympathy and trickery … then he tried pandering to them … and when all else backfired, he turned into a whiny bitch.” [laughing] “Well, some of us really respect the business, work through the pain, and it drives us crazy when we’re sidelined for weeks or even months…” [shows Matt’s face] “Well, Edge, we’ve lived parallel careers. Tag Titles. TLC matches. Injuries. Bumps. Bruises. Wowing fans around the world with utter disregard for our bodies. But while you’ve been disregarding the fans, squandering every chance at greatness, I’ve been working my ass off to get back and prove myself. I have some unfinished business with some members of the RAW roster, but don’t get caught sleeping, Edge. You thought you knew me … but you should never underestimate V-ONEuhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Turn Edge all paranoid, waiting for Matt to return. Which, of course, he does at Wrestlemania during the ladder match. I’d make the ladder match Jericho vs. Benoit vs. Edge vs. Kane vs. Christian vs. Benjamin for #1 contendership. And I’d have Matt do a run-in to f*ck things up not only for Kane but for Edge as well. They have a Kane vs. Edge vs. Matt match at Backlash to settle it (and have Kane in there to make sure Edge and Matt don’t work too stiff or outside of the match’s booking). And then trade Edge or Matt to SD. That’s what *I* would do.

Hevia: But how do they work in the real life drama?

MM: They don’t. They just hint at it enough so that (a) Matt looks good (b) Edge looks bad and (c) the ‘Net fans get their rocks off

My reaction, you ask? We’ll get to that. But first, a picture of Glenn Jacobs:

HA! Ok now my answer…

I would let it happen. Literally throw your arms in the air, tell them to both go outside of the curtain, in front of the fans, and do whatever the hell they want. You want a death match? This is a death match. Let them work stiff. Let them beat the living tar out of each other. But if you are a road agent, take a side. If you are on Matt’s side, make sure that Helms has the opportunity to run down and beat the hell out of Copeland. That’s who I would be worried about right now, Helms. That dude is a tough SOB and a brawler too. Short fuse, tight fist = hell. If I’m Copeland, I’m watching out for Hardy, but keeping an eye out for Helms. In terms of booking, I would let all the fans know exactly what happened and then have an “Ovaries On A Pole” match or a ladder match for the right to tap Amy. Don’t trade anyone to Smackdown, just let it happen.

Messages To The Involved

Adam Copeland

Regardless of what happens from here on out, you’re going to be looked at as a scumbag. A big scumbag. What you did, and did to a friend, is deplorable. The one thing that we forget in all of this is your wife, because she isn’t trademarked by WWE. You got married in October and started cheating in December. Now, I’m not in your bedroom, nor do I even know you (Readers: Insert your “You think you know me” joke here). But why in world would you be so happy and get married and be with the love of your life in matrimony for…like a month? I don’t get it. All the reports that have come out suggest that you made the advances and Amy gave in. Why? Why to your friend, why so soon after your wedding, why? Getting your ass kicked and settling your divorce is the least of your worries, however. I seriously doubt that you will wear the World Title anytime soon, if ever. You really kind of f***ed yourself here and you’ll need a huge shovel to dig out of that hole. Right now I am being way too serious. Adam, good going! Amy “Lita” Dumas! It was your teeth right? She liked your teeth…I know she liked your teeth.

Matt Hardy

I retract what I said last week about you being a little girl about the whole thing. Dude, I’ve got your back. Just go and beat the hell out of him. If he tries to get away Helms and I will throw him back to you. Additionally, if you want to have Amy jumped, I can arrange that. This one time, Matt Michaelalmost won a fight against this girl. She beat him…but he almost won and I have great confidence that if he rubbed his rabbit’s foot the right way the morning of the fight, he could beat Amy.

Amy Dumas

Amy Amy Amy…you whore. I know you had to come up with the genius “…let’s get secret cell phones” idea. That just sounds like a girls way of hiding things. By the way, THE BILL STILL GOES TO YOUR HOUSE! Regardless, this past year you’ve been tossed around like a Vegas showgirl within storylines and now, real life. What’s tragic is not only did you screw over a very honorable man, you went with a married guy that happened to be Matt’s good friend and, like I said, he was married. I hope your knee gets better soon, because I can’t wait to see all three of you on the same show. I’ll cross my fingers and hope dearly for that one to happen. X-Treme whore you are…X-Treme!

Shane Helms

Do it. F***ing do it. I want to see pictures of a blood soaked Copeland with you standing over his unconscious body. If you don’t want to do it, just remember he called you a bitch. He did I swear.

The Closer

Well, that was a good break from the normalcy. Remember kids, it’s not cool to nail a friends girlfriend. Especially when all of you are co-workers. The one saving grace out of all of this is that us, the fans, get to watch from afar and enjoy the whole thing. Enjoy your week, I’ll see you on moodspins tomorrow and Thursday right here…on!