What a Tease!

Hi all. Welcome to another of What a Tease! Some of you may know me from a little column I do called The Gatekeepers Guide. Most of you know me as Norty news guy. I’m the Atlas of Movies Pulse – I carry the weight of this place on my shoulders! Yeah. I sure do. Anyway, Everybody know what time it is???

Crowd: **Cough**

That’s right! It’s Trailer Time!!!!

I need to figure out a way to make that actually sound exciting……

New Trailers Online this Week

Basically, you’ll get a direct link to the trailer, the ‘Plot According to Yahoo’, the length of the trailer and the *estimated* release date. You’ll ALSO get the following: The Spoilerish ranking – what this basically gauges is how much of the movie the trailer gives away, on a 1-10 scale; My Analysis of the trailer, sometimes being pretty straight and narrow, sometimes being witty and sarcastic, sometimes both; finally, you’ll get an Overall Rating, which is ‘calculated’ based on the length of the trailer, it’s ‘spoilerish-ness’ and, well, how I feel about it. It IS my column, after all, but I promise the ratings will be fair and make sense.

First off:

The Bad News Bears.

The plot according to Yahoo: Morris Buttermaker, a former pro baseball player, was ejected from the game for attacking an umpire and now works as an exterminator. More interested in boozing and broads than baseball, Buttermaker is lured back into the game by Liz Whitewood, an attorney whose class action suit has forced the Little League to accept all players, regardless of their abilities. As the new coach of the Bears, the most losing team in Little League history, Buttermaker has his work cut out for him. Initially, he’s only in it for the paycheck, but he and his inept players have a transformative effect on one another that is wholly unexpected, and completely remarkable.

Length: Approx. 1:38.
Release: June 10th, 2005 .
Spoilerish : 4
Analysis: Can I just say gold and move on? No? Fine. They’re taking Bad Santa and putting him on a baseball diamond. The trailer is hillarious and this film just reeks of potential awesomeness. It was short and sweet while being funny too, which is awesome. A longer trailer will show up down the line, but they really don’t need one.
Overall Rating: 8.0


The plot according to Yahoo: A Brentwood housewife and her DA husband. A Persian storeowner. Two police detectives, who are also lovers. A black television director and his wife. A Mexican locksmith. Two car-jackers. A rookie cop. A middle-aged Korean couple. They all live in Los Angeles. And, in the next 36 hours, they will all collide.

Length: 2:32
Release: May 6th, 2005 (limited).
Spoilerish: 4.5
Analysis: Well, this certainly is a little gem to drop out of no where. The trailer is your typical long fare, but the cast is stacked and the plot involves what, 13 people all about to crash into each other? The film looks deep and the trailer is solid. It’s hard to call it spoilerish because there is just so much going on that you actually don’t really know what’s going on, and it’s kind of confusing. But it shouldn’t really bore or turn you off either, and that is very good thing.
Overall Rating: 6.5

Herbie: Fully Loaded

The plot according to Yahoo: Lindsay Lohan stars as Maggie Peyton, the new owner of Number 53 – the free-wheelin’ Volkswagon bug with a mind of its own – and puts the car through its paces on the road to becoming a NASCAR® competitor. Herbie’s got some new tricks under his hood.

Length: 2:30
Spoilerish: 8
Release: June 24th, 2005
Analysis: I don’t say it often, but I think someone would have to pay me to watch this, this….’film.’ First of all, why is this even being made? Second of all…Keaton? Why Michael, why! What a disaster waiting to happen. At one point, Herbie gets interested in a car too ‘young’ for him and that was it for my attention. I’m pretty tolerant of movies and trailers *Son of the Mask anyone?* but something about this just makes me angry. I can’t explain it, and I can’t even call the trailer good for a kids film or a Disney movie. What a joke.
Overall Rating: 2.0

Deep in the Blue

The plot according to Yahoo: Into the Blue is a thriller set in the deep, shark-infested waters of the Bahamas. When four young divers discover a legendary shipwreck rumored to contain millions in gold at the bottom of the sea, they believe their dream of buried treasure has come true. But nearby on the ocean floor, a sunken plane full of illegal cargo threatens their find. The friends make a pact to keep quiet about both discoveries so they can excavate the shipwreck before a rival treasure hunter uncovers their secret and beats them to the gold. But their plan goes awry when they realize dangerous smugglers are already closing in on the missing plane, and one of the friends makes a fatal decision that quickly turns the treasure hunters into the hunted.

Length: 2:12
Spoilerish: 6.5
Release Date: July 15th, 2005
Analysis: I thought the threat was from some mysterious zombie shark, but I think it’s from bounty hunters or rival treasure hunters or smugglers or something. The trailer isn’t overly clear on that, really. Average trailer with some awful music in the beginning but a good sound at the end. There’s a lot of action here, and maybe I’m tired, but this is another one that isn’t clear what is going on. But, it does have Jessica Alba in it, often in a swim-suit. So that gets it brownie-points.
Overall Rating: 5.0

Kicking and Screaming

The plot according to Yahoo: Phil Weston (Will Ferrell) is an average Joe who’s had to put up all his life with his overly competitive father, Buck (Robert Duvall). When Phil decides to coach his 10-year-old son’s soccer team, he goes head-to-head for the league championship against Buck, who coaches his own young son on the preeminent team of the league. Old scores come into play as Phil and Buck find themselves going to extreme measures to win the championship trophy.

Length: 2:28
Spoilerish: 3.5
Release: May 13, 2005
Analysis: I’m very surprised at this trailer. It’s a Will Ferrell comedy, so people will either love it or hate it, as he doesn’t look like he’ll depart from form much here. Honestly, it was pretty tame. Sure, some things will make you chuckle, but overall it’s so-so. It gets some extra points for not going the usual comedy route and ruining at least half of the jokes in the movie. Oh, and Ditka rules.
Overall Rating: 6.5


The plot according to Yahoo: One day in 1988, an ordinary man named Oh Dae-su, who lives with his wife and an adorable baby daughter, is kidnapped right in front of his house. He later wakes up to find himself in a private makeshift prison. While suffering from his debacle, Dae-su becomes shocked when he watches the news and hears that his beloved wife was brutally murdered. The police suspects Dae-su to be the murderer after finding his blood on the murder site. Shocked by the news, Dae-su examines his arm and finds a needle mark. Dae-su makes an attempt to commit suicide, but it ends up in failure. As time passes, he begins to write down all the things that he had done which might have brought trouble or pain to other people. He mutters to himself, “I hurt too many people…And I’m sure the man who imprisoned me and murdered my wife is one of them.” Since then, Dae-su adjusts to the cell’s darkness while training his mind and body. He swears to take revenge on the man who destroyed his happy life. By the time Dae-su’s whole body becomes covered with tattoos, revealing his long sentence, sleeping gas is sprayed into the room and Dae-su passes out. Coming to his senses, Dae-su discovers that he’s been released with a wallet filled with cash and a mobile phone. While he eats in a Japanese restaurant, a strange man calls Dae-su and asks him to figure out why he was imprisoned.

Length: 1:35
Spoilerish: 3.0
Release: March 25th, 2005 (NY/LA).
Analysis: Very interesting and very intense trailer. This foreign film has apparently won itself some praise at Cannes, and the trailer is nice and to the point. I was surprised to find the above synopsis is far more revealing of the film than any of this trailer. The trailer is a definite winner – the end alone makes me want to know more about this movie. Looks like a definite film for foreign fans, and something to keep an eye out for if they give it a wide release, or put it on DVD.
Overall Rating: 7.0

< Trailers for Films Opening This Very Weekend! (Weekend of March 11th, 2005)


The plot according to Yahoo: Set on a world populated entirely by robots, this is the story of a young genius, Rodney (Ewan McGregor), who wants to make robots capable of making the world a better place, but he finds his dream challenged by a corporate tyrant and a master inventor, Big Weld (Mel Brooks), while also being seduced by a sexy corporate robot, Cappy (Halle Berry).

Length: 2:29
Spoilerish: 6
Analysis: Watching this trailer again, I’m even more excited about this movie because of it. As I wrote, it’s not hard to be impressed with an animated movie’s trailer. They usually do everything right, and there’s no exception here. This one will be another monster hit, and with the fantastic cast (Robin Williams!) featured in the trailer, it looks mighty. The only question at this point is whether or not the best jokes of the film were used in the trailer (anything over a minute and a half is way too long for a comedy). But it didn’t give away too much of the plot or anything else, and it really shined the lights on it’s stellar cast.
Overall Rating: 8.0


The plot according to Yahoo: A police officer is wracked by guilt from a prior stint as a negotiator. When a mafia accountant is taken hostage on his beat, he must negotiate the standoff, even as his own family is held captive by the mob.

Length: 2:31
Spoilerish: 5
Analysis: May I be the first to say welcome back Bruce. I hope this doesn’t suck, because the trailer makes you want to sit on the edge of your seat, and that’s something on its own. The film has all the workings of something awesome, and the trailer does a stellar job letting us know that. Some scenes are given away, but its mostly innocent spoiler stuff, and people will probably know the outline of the plot going in, so no harm there. Very interesting overall.
Overall Rating: 7.0 (out of 10)

The Number One Movie in America!

Every week, I’ll take the number one movie in America and put its trailer here, just in case anyone hasn’t seen it yet (or you just loves the trailer). Also, comments from anyone who has seen the film and the trailer will be thrown in, to give you a complete idea about it and the movie.

Except this week, because Brendan Campbell wasn’t around when I was doing this. ^_^

The Pacifier.

The plot according to Yahoo : Vin Diesel stars as Navy SEAL Shane Wolfe who, as an elite member of the world’s fiercest and most highly trained force, thought he was prepared to take on any duty no matter how perilous or impossible…until he tried baby-sitting. Assigned to protect the five out-of-control children of an assassinated scientist working on vital government secrets, Shane is suddenly faced with juggling two outrageously incompatible jobs: fighting the bad guys while keeping house. Replacing his usual arsenal of wetsuits and weapons with diapers and juice boxes, Shane not only must battle a deceptive enemy but wrangle teen rebel Zoe (Brittany Snow), sullen 14-year-old Seth (Max Theriot), 8-year-old Ninja-wanna-be Lulu (Morgan York), as well as 3 year-old Peter and baby Tyler – not to mention their off-beat Romanian Nanny (Carol Kane).

Length: 2:32
Spoilerish: 6.5
Analysis: Well, let’s see. There’s Vin Disel, former XXX, who claims he has dedication – or something – when picking his roles. So, then, someone explain to me why this film even exists? THIS is the next best thing for Riddick? Please. Looks to me like the typical “Hard-liner moves in with family, bonds, goes soft but saves the day” film. The trailer gives away a nice handful of the jokes and some of the plot – but I doubt it even matters much. Maybe the film will be good for familes, but I wouldn’t put money on it being something for anyone else…..

Boy, I guess I was wrong on the appeal of this one, huh?

Overall Rating: 6.5

Debating that DVD purchase? Check out the trailer first!

Yupp, each week, I’ll take the new, major DVD release(s) and put the trailer here too. Just to help you decide how to spend that cash or remind you about a movie, in case you forgot ^_^

Ladder 49

The plot according to Yahoo: Trapped in a fire that looks likely to kill him, a fireman (Phoenix) takes the opportunity to look back over his life, career and marriage, while he waits for his company, Ladder 49, to rescue him, if they can… (Travolta plays Phoenix’s fire chief and mentor; Barrett plays his wife).

Length: 2:31
Spoilerish: 7.0
Analysis: Anything you need to know about this movie, except the ending, you can learn from watching this trailer. It honestly goes over the film from beginning to almost end, and that is not the kind of trailer you want to see. Critics also panned this one pretty harshly, which is disappointing, because this should have been something special
Overall Rating : 4.5

Stage Beauty

The plot according to Yahoo: Set in the 1660’s at a time when in live theatre women’s roles were played by men, Edward ‘Ned’ Kynaston (Crudup) is England’s most celebrated leading lady, using his beauty and skill to make the great female roles his own. But when Charles II is tired of seeing the same old performers, the ruler allows real women to tread the boards and men may no longer play women’s parts. Ned becomes a virtual nobody, virtually overnight and seems headed for suicide till his ex-dresser turned actress Maria (Danes) takes it upon herself to make a man of him again.

Length: 2:30
Spoilerish: 7.5
Analysis: It’s a movie about the very old school of acting, and the trailer divulges the story, cliche-ridden as it may seem. The actiing seems solid and the trailer, while giving away a lot, really seems to focus on the strengths of the movie. It seemed to get average reviews from the critics.
Overall Rating : 6.0

Wrapping it Up

So, that’ll do it for another week. Any thoughts or comments, send them my way, and, as usual,

Until next time…..

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