SMACK this! (or, “Cabinet!” “Cabinet!” “Cabinet!” “It’s just a model…”)
Quick hits: Check out Mood Spins. Groovy stuff. Here’s a philosophical question for the Mood Spins gang: does a giant cow REALLY make people smile?
One world, two brands, three’s company too!
Last week, John Cena defends the US title against Chief of Staff Orlando Jordan…and loses!
Hey, no opening theme for the second week in a row! Awesome! But that damned fist will NEVER go away. We are TAPED from the Roanoke Civic Center, in Roanoke, VA. John Bradshaw Layfield and the Cabinet saunter out with a slew of rent-a-cops, as Cole and Tazz tell us that JBL and Jordan will face Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero tonight for the WWE Tag Team Championship! JBL says every single week the Cabinet comes out and does something so freaking awesome, that they have to come out and let the fans relish in their greatness. And this week is a celebration of new the US Champ, SmackDown’s greatest athlete, Orlando Jordan. The Cena chants begin. JBL refers to Jordan as “OJ.” Ha. OJ grew up with many brothers and sisters in the inner city, but turned his back on them to join greatness. JBL is still a wrestling GOD, and gods must be adorned with gold.
JBL looks at Cena’s US title with a ton of disdain, saying it looks all bling-bling. He asks the Secretaries of Defense, the Bashams, get the trashcan and the stairs. JBL says that Cena’s title represents everything JBL hates about Cena, and has turned a time-honored tradition like the US title and has turned it into a sideshow freakride. (?) Orlando places the title in the trash (irony abound). JBL has a little switchbox, saying that like Cena, the US title will go up in smoke. JBL hits the switch, and a HUGE fireball erupts from the can. THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE! Oh, sorry. JBL brings out the redesigned US title from last year, and gives it to OJ. I don’t like that one either. They should have brought back the old WCW US belt. At least THAT one looked like a real championship, not these flimsy little “toys” they’re handing out these days. Oh well. JBL and OJ climb the stairs, and proclaim themselves the next WWE Tag Team champions! Not a bad promo, but nothing really new either.
Tonight! No Way Out Re-Re Match! No Disqualification! Booker T. vs Heidenreich!
Commercials, including the Forest Gump WM21 parody with Eugene.
Outside, Josh Matthews waits for John Cena.
No Way Out Craptacular Re-Rematch, No DQ: Booker T. vs Heidenreich. A replay from last week shows how Booker got disqualified by using the chair. Heidy starts with a kick, some punches, and keeps on punching. Bookers head says “Hi” to the buckle, then more punches. Heidy with a whip, but Booker gets an elbow up. Booker with punches and chops in the corner, but Heidy catches him with a knee. Crazyman whip in, into a side slam on Booker for two. Heidy with a choke on Booker using the ropes. More punches in the corner. Heidy plays to the crowd, which boos, but probably not for the reason he thinks. Heidy with more punches, but Booker fights back, and punts Heidy’s nuts into the second row. Cole calls that a “real low blow.” So, all the other ones are fake? I’m crushed by this lack of realism. Booker on the outside with a pair of forearms on to Heidy, who’s on the apron. Booker pulls him outside, but a head to the table gets blocked and reversed by Heidy. Heidy grabs a chair, but Booker kicks him in the breadbasket. Booker with a whip to the post, but Heidy reverses, and Booker’s shoulder takes the STEEL post. Heidy with more punches, the clotheslines Booker over the rail, into the crowd. Heidy with a couple of crossface punches, before dumping Booker back to ringside. A Booker T. chant tries to start, but Heidy sends Booker into the ring for a cover, getting just two. Booker sent for the ride, but he hits a Harlem Flying Forearm to take over. Clothesline by Booker, and Heidy is sent for the ride, but reverses into a spinebuster by Booker. Booker chops Heidy to the corner, and then sends him to the other side, but Heidy gets a foot up, and nails Booker with a clothesline, that Booker again sells like Rikishi. Sorry Booker, it’s just not as impressive. Heidy with a cover, but it only gets two. Heidy goes out for another chair, but climbs back into the ring in a blatantly obvious fashion, crawling with the chair. Booker sees his opening, and axe kicks Heidy onto the chair, but he pretty clearly missed hitting the chair with his head (like it could have done THAT much damage). Booker hits a thrust kick to Heidy’s sternum, and grabs the chair. Heidy takes a FOLEY sized crack to the skull, as Tazz channels Joey Styles with an “oh my GOD!” Booker covers, and gets the three. 1/2*. Garbagey garbage. Not a great choice of opener. Of course, this is in the land of “feuds that never die. Or draw.” I’ll give them credit; it looks like they’re trying to build towards a WM match. Unfortunately, it looks like they’re trying to build towards a WM match.
Commercials.
From RAW on Monday, Randy Orton challenges the Undertaker for WM. Meanwhile…
Teddy Long is talking on the phone when Carlito drops by. Long has another job for Carlito: find the Undertaker and get his answer to RKO’s challenge. Carlito is not too thrilled with the idea, but Long says he has to do it, or Carlito is FIRED. Meanwhile…
Eddy and Rey are in the locker room, when they get a visit from Chavo. Chavito just wants to wish the guys luck, because if they lose, Chavo would be the only Guerrero with a title. Grandma would HATE that, yup. Meanwhile…
Josh is still waiting for STONE COLD!
Er, Cena that is.
Commercials.
Backstage, Carlito is looking for the Undertaker. The room goes dark, and Carlito freaks out, but it’s just a stage hand who didn’t know anyone was in there. Har.
Big Lugs Grudge Match: Luther Reigns vs Mark Jindrak. Jindrak attacks Reigns on the way to the ring, with kicks and punches, and then drives him back first into the apron. Jindrak shoves Reigns into the ring and climbs the buckles, but Reigns knocks him down and back outside. Reigns with some more punches, and then sends Jindrak back into the ring. The bell sounds, and we’re off! Reigns with kicks in the corner, then punches Jindrak in the throat. Jindrak sent for the ride, and takes a BAAAAAACK body drop. A pair of elbows results in a two count for Reigns. Reigns with a trifecta of crossface punches, the snapmares Jindrak over into a reverse armbar. Jindrak fights up, but Reigns plants a forearm to his lower back. Reigns runs the ropes, but eats a MONSTER clothesline. Jindrak to his feet first, and hits a kick and a couple of punches, but Reigns lifts a knee to Jindrak’s gut. Reigns sent for the ride though, and Jindrak hits a eyebow, a clothesline, and the ever famous Bob Holly standing dropkick. Actually, that dropkick DOES look pretty good. Jindrak sends Reigns into the corner, and then follows him in with a crossbody block in the corner, landing on the apron outside. Ok, that was pretty nifty. Jindrak knocks Reigns head into the buckle, and then nails a high cross bodyblock from the top for two. Reigns is sent to the corner, but hits an eyebow of his own. But Jindrak catches Reigns coming in with the Bart Gunn left, and gets the three. Jindrak looks like he hurt his hand there, but considering Reigns’ head, I guess I would too. *, for Jindrak’s mildly entertaining moveset.
Backstage, Cena arrives with a lead pipe in hand. He’s got business to take care of, and that business will be taken care of… in the ring! He bangs the pipe on the poor STEEL door. Stone Cold would have banged Josh with the pipe. Just sayin’.
Commercials.
Cena comes out. Cena says JBL likes to breaks titles; well Cena likes to break faces. He calls out the whole Cabinet! Teddy comes out to offer a rematch. Cena says no way, eye for an eye. Teddy says he’s got a job to do, but Cena says if you’re not part of the solution, you must be part of the problem. Cena FUs Long! He got some boos for that. Cena takes off, looking for the Cabinet. They’re trying to turn Cena into the next Stone Cold, and it just isn’t flying.
Commercials.
Moments ago, Stone Cold stunners Vince! Substitute Cena, FU and Long, and that’s what happened. During the break, Long had Cena ejected from the building. Is Long just a kinder, gentler, Vince? HOLLA!
And by the way, I don’t have too much of a problem with the WWE rehashing old angles. I just wish they weren’t so obvious about it.
Kurt Angle comes out while we look at a clip from last week, showing the sneak attack by HBK. There’s a ladder in the ring, and Kurt’s medal hangs high above. In 1994, Angle says he was training for the Olympics, while Shawn was doing something else. Angle shows a clip from WM X, the infamous Ladder Match between Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon, complete with a WWE 24/7 logo in the top right corner. The story here is that Kurt will do everything HBK did in his career, in the next four weeks. Does that mean next week he’ll lose his smile and give his medal to Cole?
Sit down, I know it was bad. Sheesh.
Kurt Angle Invitational Ladder Match: Kurt Angle vs Mike Heywood. Mike doesn’t even get to finish his introduction before Kurt just start wailing on the face of Heywood. A belly to belly by Angle, and more face mashing on poor Heywood. More punches (what is this, a boxing show tonight?) and an Angle slam on Heywood. Angle goes for the ladder, but decides to slap an anklelock on Heywood, just for fun. Angle kicks Heywood out of the ring, and climbs the ladder, retrieving his medal. Angle wins his first ever ladder match. Not exactly HBK/Ramon. Or even Funk/Raven for that matter. DUD. Angle says he never had to use the ladder to win. He never even broke a sweat! Angle takes us down memory lane again, showing the entrance of the Rockers vs the Big Bossman and Akeem, from WM IV, again with the 24/7 logo. Next week, Kurt will face Marty Jannetty. Holy cow, is he still alive? I was sure he was in Flea’s dead pool.
Commercials, including the Undertaker/Dirty Harry spoof. Not nearly as good as the rest. I know they’re paying “tribute,” so to speak, but is this REALLY the message they want to send, with all the gang trouble that goes on these days?
WM Recall: From WM XX, when Coach finds Okerlund and Heenan in a dark room with Moolah and Mae Young. Eww. Meanwhile…
Backstage, Josh chats with Big Show (who has an arm around a SD diva) about the open challenge from Akibono. Replay shows the SD! from Japan last month, where Show and Akibono face off. Show accepts Akibono’s challenge for a sumo match. Meanwhile…
Cole and Tazz run down the WM XXI card thus far:
HHH vs Batista
Inter-Promotional Match
Shawn Michaels vs Kurt Angle
Piper’s Pit with Stone Cold Steve Austin
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Chris Benoit vs Edge vs Kane vs Shelton Benjamin vs Chris Jericho vs Christian
WWE Women’s Championship
Trish Stratus vs Christy Hemme
WWE Championship
JBL vs John Cena
For the first time in nine years, I don’t really care about this show. Except maybe the ladder match, and HBK/Angle. I don’t think I’ll be ordering this year though. Meanwhile…
Backstage, Carlito runs into Torrie Wilson. He’s tired of running around like this; he’s gonna go to the ring and call out the Undertaker himself! Torrie looks perfectly ridiculous, as usual.
Commercials.
Footage from Christy Hemme’s Playboy Photo Shoot. “I don’t need to pull anything out of her.” That is just WAY too easy…
Carlito comes to the ring to call out the Undertaker. Carlito gets a laugh from me with the “all due respect” line. Taker gets his full entrance, and Carlito acts appropriately scared poopless. Carlito asks, and Taker gets him with a goozle. Taker says RKO has lots in common with Taker other opponents, in that he sells for NO ONE. Not even Bob Orton’s kid. No, he says RKO will Rest. In. Peace. Taker then Tombstones Carlito, just because he can. Ok…
Backstage, the Cabinet gets ready. JBL tells the rent-a-cops to guard the doors for Cena.
Commercials.
WWE Hall of Fame Spot: Same as last week, featuring Hogan. I say BIGUM.
Next week, the contract signing between Orton and Taker. Well, at least we have Angle/Janetty to look forward to.
I can’t believe I just said that…
Main Event: WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio (c) vs John Bradshaw Layfield & Orlando Jordan. BIG Eddy chant breaks out, as Eddy and JBL start. Cole points out how Eddy lost the title to JBL, last June. Whatarube. JBL shoves Eddy, but Eddy slaps him silly. Eddy ducks, then hits a chop and some punches, before grabbing a side headlock. JBL sends Eddy for the ride and shoulders him down. JBL with a punch and a side headlock, so Eddy sends him for the ride and gets shouldered down again. JBL runs, Eddy drops and hits a pair of armdrags on the way back. JBL slides outside for a breather. JBL tags in OJ, who does a silly little prance, which Eddy mocks. OJ does it again, and Eddy pokes him in the eyes. Nice. Eddy drags OJ by his hair to the corner and tags in Rey, who kicks and punches OJ. Rey sends him for the ride, drops down, and hits a hurrcanrana for two. Front facelock by Rey, followed by a pair of forearms, and then drags him to the corner to tag Eddy, who hits a forearm to the ribs. Single-leg trip up into a leg vice, sort of like and ankle lock from the front. Eddy tags Rey back in, who runs the ropes and dropkicks OJ’s thigh, which Tazz points out is taped up from a house show injury this past weekend. Rey with a pair of kicks, and a pair of forearms, but OJ rakes the mask to escape. OJ with a double axe to the back, then stomps a mudhole on Rey in the corner. Is this Stone Cold tribute night? OJ with a choke that the ref breaks up, then just punches Rey in the corner. Rey in the wrong part of town, so OJ tags JBL and they do a double shoulder block on Rey. JBL sends Rey for the ride, but misses the big boot. JBL catches Rey though, and goes for a powerbomb, but Rey punches out into a seated senton says Cole, but he really just fell on him. Rey with a drop toehold on JBL, then a tag to Eddy, who does a helio onto JBL for two, but JBL grabs the bottom rope. The Bashams are on the apron, but the ref orders them down. Eddy stomps on JBL in his corner, and when the ref backs him out, Rey drops JBL on the second rope. Then when OJ comes in to argue, Eddy gets on the second rope and chokes JBL with the tag rope. Cool. Eddy with a snapmare into a reverse chinlock. Rey tags back in, and hits a few kicks to JBL’s hamstring, but JBL pokes him in the mask. JBL with a big forearm on Rey, and tags in OJ. OJ wails on Rey in the corner, the send him to the other side. Rey jumps on the second rope though, and catches his ankles around OJ’s head. So OJ dumps him over, but Rey lands on the apron. Shoulder to the gut by Rey, and this time hits the seated senton, but the Bashams are on the apron again, who draw Eddy into the ring. While the ref tries to send Eddy back out, JBL comes in and hit the big boot on Rey. The ref has had enough, and the Bashams get ejected from ringside as we go to…
Commercials.
We’re back, as JBL has Rey in position for a standing vertical suplex. Because trying to do that lying down, well, just wouldn’t work. Here’s the Last Call (fall away slam) on Rey, who goes all the way outside. OJ works him over while Eddy argues with the ref. OJ rams Rey back first into the apron, then sends him back inside. JBL gets a two count. JBL sends Rey into the corner HARD, and Rey is your Cruiserweight in peril. Spot so nice, let’s do it twice! JBL grabs a bearhug, but Rey finally punches his way out. Rey tries to go through the legs, but JBL holds on and tags in OJ, who drops an elbow for two. Rey tries to fight out with some kicks, but OJ shuts him down. OJ with a hard whip to the corner, then catches Rey in a bearhug of his own. Rey boxes the ears to escape, but takes a knee to the gut. OJ with a whip to the ropes, but Rey holds on, and drop toeholds OJ onto the second rope. But Rey is too hurt to go for the 619, so Eddy grabs OJ from the apron in a sleeper, but this allows JBL to grab Rey, and while the ref is shooing Eddy back to his corner, OJ kicks Rey while JBL holds him. JBL sets Rey on the top turnbuckle, but Rey punches out, and hits a tornado DDT on JBL! The ten count is on. Rey makes it up and makes the tag! Eddy is a Latino on FIRE! Rights on JBL! A pair of clothesline on OJ! A dropkick on JBL sends him outside, and Eddy sends OJ in, but is reversed, who reverses again (UNO!) and OJ trips over Eddy, who dropped down. OJ stumbles onto the second rope on the other side, so Rey kicks him a few times to make sure he stays there. Rey goes for the 619, but as he comes around, JBL waffles Rey in the knee with a steel chair, drawing the DQ. **. Not bad, but not great, and the finish was atrocious. In the ring, Eddy tries to come to Rey aid, but is pounced upon by the returning Bashams. The Cabinet works Eddy over for a minute or so, but here comes Stone Cold John Cena through the crowd! Cena lays out the Bashams, and then gives an FU to Jordan, while pointing at JBL. They make scary faces at each other as we go off the air.
Oh my, what an awful show. I tried real hard to find something, ANYTHING redeeming about this show, and couldn’t. The road to WM is bumpy indeed, but there’s no need to hit all these potholes on the way. Or was that plotholes? Anyway, see ya next week!
