The Weekly Pulse: The Gatekeeper's Guide to Movies

Hi-low everyone. This is the Weekly Pulse for Movies and I am your loveable internet personality, Shaun Norton. I’d just like to apologize to all my faithful readers for missing last week. Your MVW had a major, major personal life crisis to deal with, and you combine that with an ever-growing school/work workload, and it was just too much. I managed to get What a Tease done, but that was before the ‘shit hit the fan’, so to speak, and messed up my intentions for this column. So again, I am sorry. I love what I do, but sometimes it takes a backseat to the real world, and last week was one of those times. I can’t promise it will never happen again, but I’ll work damn hard to try to make sure it doesn’t.

Real Life is Damn Entertaining

This section will return next week. Not that there isn’t a ton to talk about, because there is, but honestly, I’m working on my time management skills and I wanted to make sure all the effort was put into the key parts of the column, and the conspiracy stuff is fun but always secondary. Returning next week one way or another, I promise ^_^

You Mean Inside Pulse Talks About Stuff Besides Movies?

Turns out we do.

Wrestling – Lately there has been a TON of stuff on Ring of Honor, and it’s a refreshing change in my opinion. Of course, there’s plenty of the regular and reliable coverage you’ve come to know and love too. And did someone break up recently? I haven’t really heard about it anywhere…^_^

Games – Gotta love the games guys. Well, I’m a gamer, so I loves me the games guys, anyway. Excellent review of Tekken 5, news from the Game Developers Conference, and tons more.

Music – Tons of music news this week it seems. Not to mention the latest on Dimebag Darrell and a review of the latest 50 Cent release, and more.

TV – Your one stop shop for all things Survivor, Apprentice, American Idol, and more! Did someone mention Live Coverage?

Sports – I don’t do sports, but these guys do, and they do a hell of a job too.

Comics – These guys make me want to start collecting and reading comics again. A fantastic section that you’d be hard-pressed to find better elsewhere.

Figures – Grown men play with/collect dolls/figures. And you do too. So read them, because they’re a very fun section of our site. Reminds me of the days when I played with a ton of WWF figures. Good times….

News You can Use – And We Abuse

You know the deal by now. J. Kern and myself take most of the news from the week, post it here in one easy-to-find spot, and then commentate on/make fun of/rip it up. The headlines are in bold, the news story underneath, and then our comments on said story.

And boy do we start with a fun one this week:

Jim Carrey in Da Vinci?

Jim Carrey could possibly be the latest addition to the already star-powered cast of Ron Howard’s The Da Vinci Code. More….

Kern: i’ve always thought of Jim Carrey as a European. He smells, he’s annoying and he speaks a language i do not understand – that language, of course, being Tardese.
Norty: Like the Academy, Kern, you must learn to forget the past and appreciate a good actor. Carrey has done stellar work. Accept it.
Kern: LIKE WHAT?! Talking out your asshole, while no doubt a highly revered sign of artistry among your people, does NOT say “actor” to me.
Norty: Read what I said to you, Kern, for once. Let go of the PAST and accept his good, RECENT work.
Kern: Like Bruce Almighty, where he plays himself. Or The Majestic, where he plays … himself. Oo! Or The Grinch! Where he plays himself in green makeup. And don’t bother bringing up Eternal Sunshine; just because he has a decent SCRIPT for once, doesn’t mean he’s improved his acting one iota since he played Fire Marshal Bill on In Living Color.
Norty: So you’re saying any piss-poor actor is great when the script is great?
Kern: i didn’t say he was great. i said you’ve been duped into thinking he’s great because he stumbled into a project where the words coming out of his mouth are a step up from, “LEMME SHOW YA’ SOMETHIN’!”
Norty: It’s been YEARS since he said….okay nevermind. Are you familiar with the book? As in, have you read it?
Kern: Eternal Sunshine?
Norty: No, the Code.
Kern: Unfortunately. And may i say that it’s really the perfect choice for him, as the book is a piece of crap as well. i felt like i was feeding a flailing, screaming baby while i read it. It was messy, obnoxious and there was formula everywhere.
Norty: ….You’ve got a very large hole in your soul, don’t you? Where the only thing in life to make you remotely happy is booze and Dune….
Kern: …and cigarettes. Sweet, sweet nicotine…

Work Already Begins on Shrek 4

Work has not begun yet on Shrek 3 or the Puss in Boots spinoff, but Dreamworks is already taking on Shrek 4. More….

Norty: This is nuts. Shrek 1 = good. Shrek 2 = subpar. At this rate, Shrek 3 = bad and Shrek 4 = Please kill me.
Kern: i enjoyed Shrek 2 a great deal. No doubt because Antonio Banderas is one of only a handful of men on this planet that i’d go gay for.
Norty: Well yes, but one awesome actor does not make a movie good.
Kern: Not even if it was Jim Carrey, the Second Coming of Brando?
Norty: Not even if it was Jim Carrey or the Second Coming of Brando. Notice the or there, smartass.
Kern: But, but … Jim Carrey is a GOD! Why even bother having Tom Hanks? Hanks is a hack; he couldn’t act his way out of a paper sack if it had been peed on. But Jim … why Jim Carrey moving rendition of a tortured soul posessed by a Viking artifact in The Mask? DeNiro should just pack his bags and go home.
Norty: Why are you still stuck on Carrey? We’ve moved onto Meyers and Murphy, and the absurdity of Shrek 4 being written before Shrek 3
Kern: i liked Shrek 1. i liked Shrek 2. If the rule of movie tetralogies follows to form, 3 and 4 will probably amuse me at the Dolla Dolla, but be otherwise unremarkable. i guess it’s a matter of scale. There are two people running past you. The first guy stole an old lady’s purse. The second is Adolf Hitler, and he’s about to eat a baby. Who’re you gonna tackle first?
Norty: Uh…..the baby eater?
Kern: Good call.
Norty: It was tough…
Kern: Well, you are a little slow. It’s okay, i forgive you.
Norty: Thank you ma’am.

News on next Wachowski Brothers’ Film

The Wachowski Brothers and Joel Silver, the creators and producer of The Matrix films have launched production on the action thriller V For Vendetta starring Natalie Portman (Closer, Garden State), James Purefoy (Vanity Fair, Resident Evil) and Stephen Rea (Interview With the Vampire, The Crying Game) in Berlin, Germany. More….

Kern: V for Vendetta is no Watchmen (the other seminal 80s comic work by Moore), but it’s much simpler and much more visceral. i have high hopes for this produciton and hopefully the Wachowskis who made the Matrix show up, not the Wachowskis who bumbled through the sequels like Don Knotts through Mayberry.
Norty: I have no faith in the Wachowski sisters at this point. The burn I felt during the Matrix sequels still haunts me late at night. Terrible, just terrible….You could give them the best project in the world, with a fantastic plot, setting, the works. You could give them the best cast in the world, and you know what? In the end they will screw it up.
Kern: They’d better get Jim Carrey! He just can’t make a bad film!
Norty: Oh would you let it GO already?
Kern: You called him STELLAR. i REFUSE to let that go! You would have offended me less if you had called me a slant-eyed mulatto who was only good for picking cotton or building railroads.
Norty: You’re priorities are interesting, but irrelevant overall. Carrey has done good work. Move on. The Wachowski’s blew their credibility away. Poof! Gone. Goodbye. Where as Carrey has been working in exactly the opposite direction. Go figure!
Kern: The Wachowskis made one good film. That’s one more film than Jim ever made.
Norty: So Eternal Sunshine wasn’t good?
Kern: Jim Carrey has never been good in a movie; therefore, he has never made a good movie. Unless he’s become some sort of bit-time producer behind my back.
Kern: Oh, that’s right! He exec produced Million Dollar Baby, right? i totally forgot about that… And Taxi Driver, if i recall! Oh, and then wasn’t he the man behind Citizen Kane? i totally forgot about that!
Norty: You’re getting a bit out of hand here. If you want to support some directors who chose to go backwards instead of forwards, fine. But damn it, your hatred for Carrey needs to be checked.
Kern: You’re just defensive because you want to have his babies.
Norty: And you’d sleep with the Wachowski sister, wouldn’t you? I’m disappointed in you Kern….

Tarantino to Direct Next Jason Movie?
“Oscar-winner Quentin Tarantino is in final negotiations to write and direct the Ultimate Jason Voorhees Movie, an all new Friday the 13th for New Line. While the rumor mill had long suggested that the next movie might be Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash, that project never came together for a number of reasons. More….

Kern: Freddy vs. Jason vs. Mr. Blonde! Particularly poignant given Freddy’s history and Mr. Blonde’s penchant for gasoline…
Norty: Jason in a yellow jump-suit slaughtering 88 campers!
Kern: So long as he doesn’t split it into two movies. i don’t know if i can stomach the thought of Jason 12 AND 13 at the same time.
Norty: Do you think this could be potentially awesome?
Kern: i think it could potentially be a giant hoax. Although, the upside is if he delves much further into genre stuff, eventually he’ll have to do a Godzilla remake. And i would give my firstborn to see that.
Norty: That would be awesome. I hope this isn’t a hoax. I can see him doing some fun stuff with this.
Kern: The only thing that would make me see this thing is if QT managed to get Kevin Bacon to come back.
Norty: Only Kevin Bacon?
Kern: Uh … has there ever been anyone else involved with the Friday the 13th franchise? Johnny Depp was in Nightmare on Elm Street. Maybe they could have gay sex in a shower like in Wild Things.
Norty: Well, there’s a range of actors who could be involved today. As opposed to what, fifteen, twenty years ago.
Kern: …i know where you’re going with this. And no, i don’t think Freddy vs. Jason vs. THE CABLE GUY will fly.
Norty: Har har. Bet you’d just love to put Jason on DUNE wouldn’t you?
Kern: Ain’t no comin’ back from the belly of a worm, yo.
Norty: So that’s a yes?
Kern: Man … Maybe they could get David Lynch to direct instead and do F vs. J vs. The Elephant Man! “I am not an animal! I am a human be-” *STAB STAB STAB*
Norty: Ha. But Tarentino has potential. Jason: What do you call a machete in France? Teenager: La Mache-” **STAB STAB STAB**
Kern: Meh. i’ll wait for the F vs. J dance-off at Jack Rabbit Sli- *STAB STAB STAB*
Norty: Good call.

Hayek Joins Travolta in Lonely Hearts

Salma Hayek will be joining the cast of Lonely Hearts, which also stars John Travolta and James Gandolfini. Hayek will take on the female lead role of Martha Beck, a serial killer in the 1940s who, with accomplice Raymond Martinez Fernandez, found victims through personal ads. Travolta and Gandolfini (The Sopranos) will play homicide detectives tracking the killer.

Kern: Salma Hayek. Is. Hot. Hell, i sat through DOGMA for her on the off-chance that she’d get naked a second time – and that movie was BALL-PUNCHINGLY bad.
Norty: Going to ignore the silly Dogma shot, and yes she is smoking. One of the hottest women in Hollywood, in my opinion. And fairly talented too. The film is shaping up nicely, casting wise.
Kern: Okay, i’ve got a plan. You go up to her and tell her you loved Dogma. She’ll be so impressed by your sweetness for pretending that movie wasn’t steaming pile that she’ll invite you up for sex. Then, when the lights are out, we switch places and i can live out my life-long goal of having Salma Hayek bear my children.
Norty: And – what do I get out of this deal, exactly, except for missing out on hot Selma sex?
Kern: You get to admit to someone the shame of enjoying that poor man’s Life of Brian…
Norty: I don’t really see the benefit – how about you give me a sizeable payoff when you marry, and name one of the children after me?
Kern: i’ll promise not to tell anyone you like Dogma. You know, some Fortune 500 companies screen for that sort of thing. Someone who likes Dogma clearly can’t be trusted with any sort of responsibility.
Norty: I see. You don’t want the hot lovin, I guess…
Kern: Tsk tsk. Don’t you see that it’s YOU who’s coming out on top of this arrangement? Heck, in days bygone, they would’ve put you in the stocks, then sewn a scarlet “D” in your chest for the transgression…
Norty: Gee. Shame days bygone aren’t days…err, today. And I’ll wind up in the sack with the hot lady, unless you agree with my demands, Kerny-boy. And trust me, you will not like living with yourself if that happens.
Kern: Of course, more than likely all that’ll happen is she’ll peg you as a man of exceptionally poor taste and move on…
Norty: **Sigh** You’ll wind up ruining all my dreams for me Kern.

Billy Crystal Interested in HairSpray

Billy Crystal is in talks to play Wilbur Turnblad in New Line Cinema’s film adaptation of the Broadway musical Hairspray, according to Variety. Aretha Franklin is also negotiating to play R&B record shop owner Motormouth Maybelle. More….

Norty: What is it about Hairspray that makes people go nuts? I mean….I just don’t get it.
Kern: …this sounds about as appealing as a remake of the Rocky Horror Picture Show starring Tom Cruise as Dr. Frank-N-Furter and Kevin Spacey as Riff Raff. *sigh* Punk truly is dead.
Norty: ….Right. Now answer my question.
Kern: If i may extend the analogy … it’s why Blink-182 was so successful. Ordinary, conservative folk get to pretend like they’re edgy and hip without actually being edgy and hip.
Norty: I see. Billy Crystal and John Travolta – will they make this work, a la Grease and whatever else?
Kern: By “whatever else”, presumably you mean the last watchable thing Crystal’s done, namely “Soap” in 1977?
Norty: Well, I kind of liked Analyze This…
Kern: Wwwwwwwwwwwwwhy am i not surprised?
Norty: Because it wasn’t a bad movie and you’re just a sad, angry, bitter man?
Kern: You say “just” like that’s a bad thing.
Norty: Well, I was merely out to answer your question. I do not, contrary to your opinion, have bad taste. I’m just not as bitter or cold as you…..yet.
Kern: You will be, Young Skywalker … you will be…

Reeves Interested in Sinbad Film

Keanu Reeves is in final talks to star in Sony/Columbia Pictures’ The 8th Voyage of Sinbad. Rob Cohen (xXx) will be directing. The project has been in limbo for quite some time. More….

Norty: Now Kern, control yourself. I know it’s Mr. Personality. I know, trust me. But….you just need to breathe for a minute….
Kern: Who needs to? With a distinguished pedigree like this film? Let’s see … the guy who did XXX, the guy who did T3 and the guy who did CA2. What, was the guy who did Anacondas not available? How about the writer of Emmanuelle in Hoboken? Maybe they could squeeze a treatment out of him…
Norty: Well, technically, those other writers didn’t get the job. So really, it’s just the guy who did XXX.
Kern: Yeah, i remember that movie. My favorite scene was near the end where you see the last of Vin Diesel’s artistic credibility shrivel up and die right there onscreen. Poignant moment, that.
Norty: Well, maybe we should focus on the potential story. Not so much the actors, but the plot? Plot could be good….
Kern: Plot, schmot. I WANT STOP-MOTION MONSTERS! i need some old-school Harryhausen action! i understand it’ll be hard to tell the difference between the claymation and Keanu, but-Woops! i thought i could stay away from the Wooden One. Sadly, the temptation was too great…
Norty: Yes, I understand. Sad for him to be out-acted by claymation, too.
Kern: i’d like to think the genie in the lamp would have the power to grant him a personality, but somehow i think that’s too great a task for even a nigh-omnipotent magical creature.
Norty: Indeed. Seriously, what does Hollywood see in him? What do we miss?
Kern: i’ve seen thinkpieces on this very topic. Something about his Orientalness (Edward Said’s probably spinning in his grave as we speak) and sexual ambiguity makes him irresistible to women, gay men.and, i’m told, Larry King.
Norty: Wow. Even Larry King?
Kern: Seven wives, man. If that doesn’t scream, “Somebody free me from this prison of heterosexuality!” i don’t know what does.
Norty: Very true. When will Hollywood wise up to this fake?
Kern: Well, i’m sure he’s retiring very soon. No need to pull him out of the closet at this point.
Norty: How do you figure he’s retiring?
Kern: He’s, like, 104!
Norty: …..I meant Keanu
Kern: That’s who i’m talking about. Sold his soul to the Devil. Only possible explanation.
Norty: I see. But, I mean, even the devil would turn this guy down, you’d think.
Kern: i dunno. Devil’s Advocate seemed pretty believable to me…
Norty: Well yeah, but thanks to Pacino…. I guess….your theory does have some weight to it….
Kern: You think that’s quality … wait until you hear my reasoning behind why i think Simon Cowell is a homunculus.
Norty: Don’t even get me started on the fake that is Simon. Let’s wrap this up

Rock to Team with Ryan Reynolds

Dwayne Johnson, aka The Rock, and Ryan Reynolds will be teaming up for a buddy comedy actioner titled Ride Along, according to Variety. Roger Kumble (Cruel Intentions) will be directing. The film will tell the story of a tough police officer (Johnson) who tries to stop a romance between his sister and her teacher colleague.

Kern: i love Rocky. i do, i do. But that man picks projects like an overzealous quadriplegic pole vaults: BADLY. AND REPEATEDLY.
Norty: I hear he shines in Be Cool. I loved him in The Rundown. Maybe, just maybe, he can make this work.
Kern: And maybe someday Chuck, the quadriplegic, will be a shot putter instead of the shot put. But frankly, i won’t be holding my breath for that day.
Norty: Ah come on man. The guy is young. He’s got talent, charisma, the look. If you give up on him now, what’s the point? Although, he is starring in Doom……*sigh*
Kern: They’re reforming Doom!? Sweet! Ron Simmons and Butch Reed were THE best tag team EVER.
Norty: No….I don’t think you quite follow me. Doom, as in the game….
Kern: Doom ain’t no game and Doom ain’t no JOKE!
Norty: *Sigh* You don’t get it.
Kern: i try not to.
Norty: Ignorance is bliss policy?
Kern: i figured i’d give it a try, see how the other 51% live…
Norty: How’s that working out?
Kern: Weird. i’m seeing red all day long.
Norty: Almost as bad as seeing Bush…
Kern: You finally coming out of the closet then?
Norty: Wait, you didn’t mean the Republicans?
Kern: You are no Jedi…
Norty: I guess not. I thought you were being subtle Kern. I am disappointed.
Kern: Subtlety and $2.35’ll buy you a cup of coffee.
Norty: Very true.

Trailer of the Week: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

The Plot: Three years after the Battle of Geonosis, the Clone Wars are coming to a close. Obi-Wan Kenobi, now a general dispatched by the Republic to bring down remaining Separatists Count Dooku and General Grievous. And Chancellor Palpatine has become corrupt, proclaiming himself Emperor, and, with Anakin Skywalker’s help, begins to turn the Republic into the Galactic Empire. As Anakin ultimately becomes the evil we know as Darth Vader, Padme goes into hiding, and, at the end of one war, another conflict we know all too well is about to begin.
The Link: Here **Scroll down, click free, wait for your time to tick down on the next page, enjoy. ^_^
The Analysis:

J “Sith Lord” Kern: For those of you with any lingering dregs of hope that Ep. III might redeem the first two … all Papa Kern has to say is, “There ain’t no Santa Claus; there ain’t no Tooth Fairy and Star Wars Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith will be 110 minutes of empty-headed fluff wrapped around six minutes of awesome lightsaber fights. It will full of deafening laser battles, colorful digital effects and dialogue with all the excitement and wit of the ingredient list on a box of Triscuits. If you’re forced to choose between paying ten dollars to see this or paying ten dollars to have your eyeballs gouged out by a grapefruit spoon, I heartily encourage you to consider the benefits of blindness. For example, you can wear your sylish sunglasses ANY time of day or night, Corey Hart be damned!”

Michaelangelo “I’m a Sith Older Than the Damn Jedi Council” McCullar: Lucas, if the movie matches the trailer, then all will be forgiven. The Ewoks. Jar-Jar Binks. Jake Lloyd. If this is the real deal, if you can deliver unto us 2 hours of pure badassery hinted at in this trailer, then you shall once again be Our Lord and Saviour. But…if you f*ck this up… Then so help me God, I will track you down, drag you to the desert, hang you upside down by your Achilles tendons from the largest cactus I can find, gut you from crotch to jaw, and leave you hanging for the vultures to pick and gnaw at your innards. You’ve been warned.

Shaun “Sith Apprentice” Norton: I am a man of faith. Not of religion, but faith. I like to call myself a realistic optimist. I was full fledged optimist for Episode One, and got screwed. I was still an optimist for II, and got screwed, but not as badly. But this…..this looks brilliant. Trailers are designed to bring in the crowds, but man, if there is any one movie that can destroy years of cinematic distaste, it is this one. Do it right, George. Do it well. Do it for us. And you will be forgiven of all past transgressions. We promise.

Ryan “Jedi for a Day” Closs: After seeing that trailer it left me with one big question, how old is Chewie anyway? Besides that I’m pretty optimistic it looks like it’ll be action heavy which is good. The dialogue seems better than the others based on the trailer which is good. Then again the other two movie trailers looked good too and those flicks were disappointing. I’m pretty sure the story will be good, it all hangs on the dialogue though. Colour me cautioously optimistic

Reviews We Sit Through – For You!

I missed a week. Again, my bad. But, as per norm, this will cover movie reviews posted to the site between when the last column would have been and now. There are earlier ones, very good ones, so check them out too if you haven’t already.

Be Cool – Who could have possibly forseen such a terrible movie with such an amazing cast of actors? Mike McCullar definitely didn’t, as he has said himself he was incredibly bummed by this. Yet another sequel just made to rake in the cash? He thinks so. Read his review on this massive disappointment.

The Jacket – Brendan Campbell reviews what looks like another disappointment, although not nearly as bad as above. Funny enough, the logic holes brought this movie down for him, yet he gets his jollies from ripping on my and my obsession with logic holes. Go figure. Anyway, he claims it’s a film with wasted potential, and you can read him to find out all the reasons why.


Donnie Darko: The Directors Cut – Let’s welcome Scott Sawitz to our Movies fold. He debuts on the site with a review of this cult class, and really, he just wasn’t that impressed. He’s actually one of the first I’ve seen or heard that wasn’t blown away or in love with the movie *I’ll find out for myself very soon* and hey, we’re all about the unique individual opinion around here. A nice read and a solid debut.

I Heart Huckabees – I loved, loved, LOVED this movie, and I would have ripped into ole Mikey M like a beast if he didn’t do it justice in his review. Thankfully, he loves it too, and now we can, together, share the love with all you beautiful people out there. McCullar does an excellent job with this one, and the film is definitely worth a second look if you passed by it in the theaters.

Ladder 49 – I like Travolta. I think Phoenix is okay. I respect firefighters. But I just don’t like movies about them too much. That’s just me though, and since when do people listen to me? Instead, read Travis Leamons awesome review of the film, as he tells you why this is the gold standard of firefighter movies.

We Even Do Columns!

Brendan Campbell reviews the box office of last weekend. His puns are still only slightly better than mine, but his wrap up of the weekend is as excellent as ever.

I was going to give props to Michaelangelo for not ripping me a new one for missing last week, but then I realized he missed too! Ah, well, everybody gets one now and again **Emphasis on the again** Anywho, Terminator 2 is The Perfect Flick this week. Really, it’s T2. Is there anything I can say about it and its awesome-ness? No. But Mikey can, and he does so quite well, if I may give the man props anyway. Nice pick this week McCullar.

Have I properly welcomed back Jon Bieda yet? Gosh I missed this man and his work. Look, this week he even has a nice new logo for Movie vs Film. Wait a second here……Phantom of the Opera vs Moulin Rouge? Ack. Definitely not my types of films though. But that’s what you have to love about Bieda – the man definitely covers all sorts of genres and pits them together in battles to the DEATH! And we all love him for it.

I also write a column on trailers. Everybody loves trailers, right? A nice chunk of comedy this week, including the full trailer of the soon to be mega-hit Robots. Ack. I just pimped myself. Damn it….

Well, since I went against that, I might as well link you to things I missed last week that didn’t show up in new editions as of this writing.
Rob Sutton is the Indy Jones of Movies Pulse.
Tal Aulbrook tells you everything you need to know about the Razzies.
-And Brad Torreano’s Mondo Culto is just awesome.

The End

Well, that’s a wrap. Just to say it one more time: If anything sets YOU off **You know, makes you ANGRY** concerning movie-land, feel free to let me know and maybe you could rant about it.

As usual,

Until Next Time…

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