Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Sudafed nasal decongestant, without which I would have no doubt killed somebody over the past week.
I’m still sick. I managed to fend off the fatigue and chills over the past week, but my head is still stuffed up like a mother. On Tuesday after work, a co-worker and I stopped by a local watering hole to throw back a few pitchers, and afterwards, I decided to placate my beer munchies with the obligatory White Castles. Well, sometime between leaving the bar and getting home, my nasal cavity sealed up completely, so I was stuck with a sack of White Castles that I couldn’t even taste, thus resulting in the most worthless six dollars I’ve spent since that McDonald’s Chicken Selects value meal.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (HIDDEN PLUGS EDITION)
This week’s plugs have been hidden amongst the stories in this column. I decided that would be a good way to honor me losing my house keys last weekend.
NEWS TO USE
Investigators involved in an FBI probe into the murder for The Notorious B.I.G. (nÃƒÂ© Christopher Wallace) closed the case against a former Los Angeles police officer, saying that there was not enough evidence to charge David Mack with the 1997 shooting. Another supposed factor in the dropping of the case was when the FBI found out that the lead agent on the David Mack probe was cavorting with attorneys of Voletta Wallace, the rapper’s mother, who is suing the LAPD for covering up evidence to support their role in the murder. Suge Knight had also been investigated for the case, but that probe was also discontinued due to lack of evidence. As for the “rogue” officer, David Mack, he was linked to the murder when witnesses placed him at the scene of the crime hours before it had occurred, and a car matching his was also seen speeding away just after the shooting. Mack has denied any involvement in the case, although in the meantime, he’s been jailed for robbing a bank, as well as kicking a puppy and breaking his mother’s nose at a local gas station during an argument over whether to buy Diet Coke or Diet Coke with Lime. None of the aforementioned incidents were linked.
The number of cases of Diet Coke with Lime-related violence are up almost 37% this year.
Following up on our top story from last week’s edition of The Saturday Swindle Sheet…
50 Cent announced that Monday on New York’s Hot 97 that he was kicking The Game out of his G-Unit group, stating that his former protÃƒÂ©gÃƒÂ© (read: bitch) had been disloyal to him. 50 Cent said that The Game had refused to take his side in his recent feuds against other rappers, such as Jadakiss, Nas, and Fat Joe, which were fueled by some harsh invectives that many saw as unjustified and proof that 50 Cent is a giant prick. Soon after his statements, two incidents occurred, which investigators say were probably set into motion by The Game after hearing that he was kicked out of G-Unit. According to reports, associates of The Game had apparently heard the comments by 50 Cent, and went down to the radio station to confront him (It is still unclear whether The Game himself was involved first-hand.). As his entourage encountered said associates, some heated words were exchanged, and one of [The Game]‘s associates was shot in the thigh. The second incident, which is thought to be related, occurred outside of offices of Violator (who manage 50 Cent), when two men reportedly fired several shots though the front door of the building. Nobody was injured in that incident.
Well, it would appear as if 50 Cent and The Game have already patched up this weeklong feud (which, coincidentally enough, took place the same week as the release of 50 Cent’s new album, The Massacre). The two rappers where scheduled to meet up on Wednesday at New York’s Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture, where they made large donations to the Harlem Boys Choir and the Compton Unified School District Music Program. 50 Cent later told reporters about his plans to start a new charity group, “the G-Unity Foundation, Inc., to help people overcome obstacles and make a chance for the better in their lives … to help them overcome their situations. I realized that if I’m going to be effective at that, I have to overcome some of my own. Game and I need to set an example in the community.” The Game added, “50 and I are proving that real situations and real problems can be solved with real talk… Maybe we can help save some lives … the way rap music saved mine. But in the meantime, we’re going to get back to ripping on other rappers that have nothing to with us, except for that they are better.”
Lil’ Kim took the stand on Thursday in her federal perjury trial, saying that when she had lied to a grand jury about her business associates’ involvement in a 2001 shooting, it was because she had been bullied into testifying in that way, saying that she was “a victim.” She told the jury, “I couldn’t believe I was being badgered the way I was.” If convicted, Kim could face a maximum sentence of 30 years in prison. During the trial, the judge reprimanded her for having said hello to a juror from the witness stand during a break, as well as blowing three other jurors. Just kidding… it was only two.
When asked by reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet if thought that Lil' Kim was guilty or not, New York Giants defensive end Michael Strahan asked them what the hell they were doing in his kitchen.
Stefan Wohl, the driver of the Dave Matthews Band tour bus which showered a sightseeing boat in the Chicago River with the contents of its septic tank when it was emptied out on a bridge last year, pled guilty to charges on Wednesday. Wohl had originally denied involvement in the incident, which saw him being charged with reckless conduct and discharging contaminates to cause water pollution, but after surveillance tape backed up the prosecution’s claims, he decided to admit wrongdoing. He had been alone in the tour bus when it had dumped 800 pounds of human waste off of the Kinzie Street Bridge. Wohl was sentenced to 18 months probation and 150 hours of community service, as well as being slapped with a $10,000 fine, payable to conservation group Friends of the Chicago River.
Backstreet Boy Nick Carter was arrested last weekend for an alleged DUI after his vehicle was stopped by Huntington Beach police for having committed a minor traffic violation. Representatives for the singer told reporters on Monday, “Nick Carter deeply regrets the current situation. He is on doctor-prescribed medication and was unaware of its interaction possibilities.” Yeah, so am I, but I still know when I’m too annihilated to properly operate a motor vehicle.
Country singer Chris LeDoux passed away on Wednesday from complications due to advanced liver cancer. He was 56.
The Pretenders, U2, Percy Sledge, The O’Jays, and Buddy Guy have all been chosen to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this upcoming Monday.
A Louisiana state appellate court denied rapper C-Murder a retrial after being found guilty of second-degree murder for having shot and killed a 16-year-old boy outside of a nightclub in 2002.
British music magazine NME calls Bloc Party “the coolest band on the planet, while I call Bloc Party “the dumbest band name since Mr. Mister.”
Some historians at Florida State University recently discovered a student film dating back to 1964, starring a clean-cut Jim Morrison. Also featured is a sober Keith Richards and a talented Lil’ Jon.
FROM THE LABELS
The lovely Aisha Bell from EMI Music Marketing has a message for all you Gorillaz fans out there…
Please visit the below link where you can download stickers, AOL Buddy Icons, Signatures, and other fun items on the Gorillaz.
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
A Tribe Called Quest, “Electric Relaxation”
Republica, “Drop Dead Gorgeous”
The Outsiders, “Time Won’t Let Me”
Royce Da 5’9″ and Eminem, “Nuttin’ to Do”
The Shamen, “Hyperreal” (Selector Mx)
Bad Company, “Feel Like Makin’ Love”
Underworld, “Born Slippy” (NUXX; Deep Pan)
Jefferson Airplane, “Somebody to Love”
Da Ruckus, “We Shine” [f/Eminem]
Pet Shop Boys, “Always on My Mind”
Queen, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”
Styles, “Good Times”
The Chemical Brothers, “Setting Sun” [f/Noel Gallagher]
The Damned, “Thrill Kill”
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, “The Impression That I Get”
DJ Shadow, “Stem/Long Stem“
Real McCoy, “Another Night”
Dead or Alive, “Brand New Lover”
Rammstein, “Du Hast”
Rage Against the Machine, “Killing in the Name”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Everyone’s Favorite Guy has filed a lawsuit against 10 different media Web sites after they posted his private sex tape (which I have gone to amazing lengths NOT to see) for public viewing after it was remotely hacked from his home computer in the past few months. He is seeking over $70 million plus any profits that were made as a result of selling access to the clip. It was brought to his attention that the tape was being passed around the Internet after an adult film company contacted his management to see if they wanted to distribute the video commercially. Durst acquired a copyright prior to filing his lawsuit, and is also charging the Web sites with violation of U.S. copyright laws. The Saturday Swindle Sheet sent ace reporter Elliot Smilowitz to Everyone’s Favorite Guy’s home in Los Angeles to relay a message…
Elliot: You are worthless.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m the epitome of public enemy.