On this, the 14th of March – it is time for another…
We are joined today by Eric, Hernandez, and Jenna. Danielle is currently at school, and Laura is on Spring Break with her boyfriend Shelton Benj– I mean Bill. So guys, enjoy Jamaica you bastards. So with Wrestlemania right around the corner and the card pretty much cemented, it’s all set-up now — but before we get to the show.. what do we look like THIS week?
God we’re sexy…
So now one last thing before we get going – let me once again go over the rules for the WAS IT BEN MORSE CONTEST! At Royal Rumble, a man who was referred to as ‘The Conquistador’ was with us. Some people believe that it is former ComicsNexus staffer, and writer of ‘The Mean’, Mister Ben Morse. Was he there? Yes or no.
Go to the forums – drop a message as to WHY you think it is or is not Ben Morse. I will take the winners and toss them into a drawing. The winner will recieve some swag.
See! A contest. I rule.
Let’s get to the Rabble!
Tonight Batista has chosen Benoit to face Trips tonight.. but first.. it’s Y 2 J!
Jericho is discussing the six-man-ladder match. He makes puns about climbing ladders… and he’s introducing the man facing Undertaker at Wrestlemania.
“You do realize that this is Jericho’s last big event right?” – Hernandez on BREAKING NEWS?!?
“I will kill you.” Me.
So Orton feels that he is going to be the guy to stop Undertaker’s winning streak – and the crowd is pissed. We’re going to find out that Orton is full of surprises at Smackdown’s Contract signing… ew. Jericho though has a surprise for Orton!
“LIGHTNING BOLT!” – Hernandez.
His next guest faced off against Undertaker at Wrestlemania 8… he’s from Georgia he is…!!!!
“Big Bossman?” – Hernandez.
“Al Snow’s dog?” – Me.
NO! IT’S JAKE THE FRIGGING SNAKE?!!!! Here he comes, looking like that drunken uncle that you don’t want to be left alone with. He’s not only a legend. He’s a mean bastard, even when he’s huge with smoker’s lung! The crowd is going nuts!
“Where’s Shawn, we need to pray together.” – Eric
Jake starts talking about how he knows Orton’s family. His Grandfather.
“He owes me 20 bucks.” – Hernandez.
He knows Orton’s father.
“He stole my girlfriend.” – Hernandez
He does not, in fact… know Orton. The Snake is here to reconnect Orton’s brain to his mouth, because Orton is talking out his ass.
“Jake’s still got whiskey face.” – Jenna
Anyway, Jake wants to warn Orton that a 12 & 0 record (isn’t it 15?) isn’t anything to be prideful about. It’s something to worry about. Orton should worry! Well Orton isn’t afraid darnnit! He is going to beat Undertaker and prove that he’s bigger than Jake has ever been.
Jake doesn’t like that and goes for the snake – Orton goes for Jake, but Jake hits with a short-arm clothesline. The crowd screams for DDT… and as he goes for it, it is reversed – and Orton’s turn to the Darkside is complete. The crowd really is happy to be able to boo him again.
We get a match rundown – and I must say that even Christian’s mini-video snippit is snarky. He rules.
We get a flashback to Hogan winning the belt.. and I do get a bit misty eyed hearing Gorilla Monsoon…
Now here comes Kane – with a flashback to Kane facing Christian last week.
Here comes Christian.. and am I the only one that sings –
I’m never gonna dance again
Guilty feet ain’t got no rhytyhm
-whenever his music plays.. try it. It fits.
Kane vs. Tyson Tomko & Christian
It is tag rules. Starting with Kane picking up and dropping Christian face first to the mat. He throws Christian into the corner, Christian leaps – but gets caught. In comes Tomko and misses with a boot.. but nobody notices and falls anyway. Tomko gets a tag and starts to take down Kane. How!?!?
He beats Kane into the corner and tags in Christian. Christian gets a chop out of nowhere, but in turn gets his own reverse DDT in on him. He pulls Kane into the corner and slides outside to wrap his legs around the corner – but gets pulled face first into the corner.. and Christian leaves!
Tomko is now in with Kane alone, he gets hit with a big sidewalk slam. A top rope clothesline. A chokeslam. That’s it! Christian has gone under the ring… he pulls out a ladder. Kane sees it and starts stalking around him. Christian sees Kane and runs. Nice. Kane grabs the ladder and smashes Tomko with it, Christian postures fearfully and we get some pyro.
Tomko is busted open right around the eye though.
In the back, Flair is talking to Gene Snitsky?!?! Ric doesn’t think that Lita losing the baby wasn’t Gene’s fault. Gene getting a crap number in the Rumble wasn’t Gene’s fault. If Gene beats Batista within an inch of his life.. it wouldn’t be Gene’s fault!
Apparently if Batista gets hurt tonight .. it WILL be Gene’s fault.
“Dude, Exlax!” – Jenna
(Apparently if you eat a Snickers – you become Ric Flair)
What legend would be cool to see come down tonight that isn’t already scheduled
“Ivan Putsky to wreck Chris Masters for using the Polish Hammer” – Hernandez
“Tito Santana vs. Flair” – Jenna
“Bret Hart.. I have nothing else to say.” – Eric
“I say I want Ed Leslie … any form of him.. or Barry Darsaw” – Me!
Backstage Lita is talking to Christie’s sportsbra. Sorry, that’s me.
“Threesome with Edge!” – Hernandez.
Christie is going to be working on her kicks. So Lita got the best kick in the business, Tajiri.. if Christie signs Tajiri’s Playboy. Tajiri kicks Regal in the pad to show Christie how to do it. Christie tries, and Regal gets to be snarky at her — it’s so hot. Of course, there is a gratuitous nutshot.
On the otherside of Hazard County – Shawn meets up with Marty Janetty. Shawn’s set-up a match for Marty tonight, because in a Rockers Reunion.. HBK & Jannety have a tag match!!!! HELL YEAH!
THIS JUST IN!!!! I GOT A CALL FROM THE CONQUISTADOR!
He has called to let me know that if Jimmy Snuka shows up, we have Jake’s entire team from the 19XX Survivor Series which consisted of Jake, Snuka, and The Rockers. They faced Power & Glory, Warlord, and Rick Martel. Thanks Conquistador for that amazingly obscure piece of knowledge.
So since the Conquistador called in – that can be your WAS THAT BEN MORSE HINT
Officially: Would Ben actually know that bit of fluff trivia?
Well tonight Edge is facing Benjamin – and here we go…
EDGE vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
Here comes Shelton, and before he even gets to the ring Edge charges Benjamin! They fight at the top of the key and JR continues with the backhanded insults to Edge, discussing his ‘Shortcomings’. And he has a very… ‘Negative Aura’. Outside the ring, he slams Shelton into the wall, and they make comment that the match hasn’t even started. He irish whips the man into the ringsteps.
Finally they climb into the ring, and Edge is still pummeling Shelton. The ref tries to stop Edge a few times to check on Benjamin.
“..Sir? What color are you?” – Jenna
The ref makes sure that he’s ok to start the match. Shelton says yes, but as the bell rings Edge tosses him out again.
Back in the match, Edge has got Shelton in his submission thingy – and apparently the entire match has so far been Edge (so we’re told). Edge props Shelton onto the corner turnbuckle. He goes for the superplex, but Shelton gets the upperhand and tosses Edge down… Shelton still selling the damage he’s taken.. a huge clothesline from the top rope.
A pin for two and they get to their feet and exchange shoulderblocks and Shelton just flies at Edge.. botyh knocfked down. Finally they both get to their feet and the fists come flying. Shelton gets the upperhand and he looks pissed. JR refers to the fire in Benjamin as ..”Street Benjamin”
“Why is that funny.. cuz it’s RACIST” – Me and Eric.
Edge tosses Benjy into the corner and Shelton LEAPS onto the top. Shelton then hurls over halfway across the ring for a sunset flip for two. Shelton hits the ropes and gets caughty in one of the quickest powerslams I’ve ever seen from Edge. A pin for two!
Edge sets up the spear, misses and then almost hits the ref. He turns around and catches Shelton’s superkick. Shelton goes for the spinning kick and Edge ducks – hitting the ref! Amazing stuff, seriously. Edge fights out of the T-Bone and goes for the pin.. no ref. Instead he goes for the ladder.. instead out of nowhere comes Jericho to leap off the steps, hits the ladder which hits Edge… like a Rube Goldberg machine!
Shelton gets the pin, the ref sees it. 1 2 3
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN
Flashback – Rockers vs. Haku & Barbarian at Wrestlemania VII.
I am now marking like a girl, as me and Hernandez really that either Sister Sherry is coming down with a mirror.. or we are going to get to see a Double Fist Drop!!! This night rocks!
Coming down the ring – me and Hernandez are marking like MOTHERFUCKERS as the Rockers music kicks up and they announce them as the Rockers and Marty is wearing fringy things and hot pink! THIS RULES!
“..this looks totally gay..” – Dani has shown up.
Their opponent is THE ROUGEAU BR.. No.. it’s La Resistance! (Thank you Hernandez)
THE ROCKERS vs. LA RESISTANCE
In a Mark-Out Match From Hell!
Marty looks good.
“He looks coked up.” – Eric
“HE DOES NOT!” – Me
“He looks better than he did in WCW” – Eric
“Oh yes he does”
Conway starts with Marty, and we are still gigging like a schoolgirl. Some nice chain wrestling, leads to a hiptoss to Conway. Bounces into the corner and another hiptoss. A tag to Grenier and they go for a double hiptoss and damn near drop him on his neck. Marty tags in HBK – they do the double flip, the double elbow, the double screwed up kick-up. They leap off the toprope together…
“KICK HIM!!! KICK HIM!!!” Hernandez talking to Marty.
Marty goes to the corner and Conway tosses HBK to the ropes, Grenier pulls the ropes and HBK gets dumped. They fight on the outside and now HBK is in trouble. A batch of tags and continued beatings to HBK. Repeated 2 counts and I can’t believe our hot tag is going to be to Marty Janetty!
Grenier pulls up HBK and Conway clotheslines him. The count is stopped by Marty with a baseball slide. Finally HBK
Hot tag to Janetty!!!! Hits to Conway. Hits to Grenier. Scoopslams around. Facebusters and dropkicks. Marty has been training! Marty hits the fameasser, Conway gets hit with a superkick. Marty gets the 3 count.
WINNERS: THE ROCKERS!!!!!
They even do the perfect handplant exit. WE ARE STILL MARKING LIKE 8 YEAR OLDS WITH VIBRATORS! The fact of the matter is not only was seeing Jannety a great throwback to yesteryear, but he looked in top form. It seems he’s off the sauce, and he’s been working out. Not only that, but age is treating him better than God is treating HBK. Then again, he was wearing those silly tassels that make your muscles bulge…
Either way, he could be an easy Cruiserweight contender on Smackdown if not an Intercontinental / US Title contender again.
“So.. Shawn you wanna go grab a bite to eat?”
..”Umm, no I gotta be somewhere” – Hernandez
Backstage, Not-Marty (HHH) and Not-Marty (Ric) are discussing Non-Marty (Batista) getting his butt handed to him this week by Gene and next week Trips chooses his opponent. Ric mentions how it doesn’t matter that Hunter tapped out last year and was squealing like a pig! Funny bit.
Trips is next.
Hernandez and I decide that after Smackdown, they are just going to leave Marty in a ditch somewhere…
“Here Jannetty.. are my breaklights working?”
“Yeah.. umm.. hey.. you coming back?!”
I told you.. we are total buffoons over this!
Okay, and I’m snapped out of it as Boobage McTatah is talking to Trish. Christie should be concerned about Trish. Trish is going to get Hannibal Lector as her trainer so she can “Eat Christie …”
“..out” – All of us.
“The jokes write themselves right here.”
Trish goes and attacks Boobage tossing her into a table. Who makes sure she’s ok – it’s FIT FRIGGING FINLEY?!?!
“It’s orgasmic” – Jenna on Boobage’s squealing.
“Of course it is.. it’s Fit Finley!’ – Hernandez
In the back, Ric is still telling Gene how much he is going to kick Batista’s ass. Behind him is of course.. Batista. Ric Flair at this point goes completely insane! He sounds like the frigging Tazmanian Devil.
“Too many mercury-dipped feathers” – Jenna
Ric is just gone.
“I think if Barry Horowitz had Ric Flair – he would have been champ… just give Ric a sugarcube and let him go.” – Hernandez.
It’s at this point that Danielle comes in and we inform her that Jake The Snake was here?
“Did he bring his daughter?” – Danielle
I love that girl.
Triple HHH vs. Chris Benoit
COMMERCIAL..before Benoit comes down.
Benoit comes down. The stare-off is a nice touch since this match is about.. pride. The ‘You Tapped Out’ chant already starts.
Lock-up, Belly to Back front suplex starts from Trips to Chris. Some quick hammerlock exchanges between both men gets them to their feet and a shoving match.
Lots of tying up spots. Chris goes from a headlock to tossing Trips into the rope and a shoulderblock drops Hunter. Another toss into the ropes and they go into a backslide, but Chris can’t seem to get the leverage. Chris flips back over Trips and turns it into a crossface. It’s fought out, but turns into another crossface. Trips bolts for a moment.
Chris pulls in Hunter and a snapsuplex and some hard chops. Trips bails again, but Chris follows him this time and they fight on the outside.
“Did you notice the belt at the corner of the ring?” – Hernandez.. FORESHADOWING!
Chris brings in HHH and continues to chop him. Trips bails AGAIN!
So who is Trips going to send after Batista next week?
“Marty Jannety” – Eric
“If Snitsky wins tonight.. Snitsky again.” – Danielle
“Kane” – Jenna
“Lex Luger..” – Hernandez
“I will KILL you” – Me
“That’s what he said to Elizabeth” – Eric
“okay okay.. Bam Bam Bigelow” – Hernandez
Back in the ring we are going chop for chop between the boys. Hunter tosses Chris into the ropes and a huge spinebuster from HHH gets a two count. During the break Benoit got a big shot into the steps. Hunter picks up Benoit, brings him to the corner and tosses him HARD into the corner. Another 2 count. Trips puts Benoit on the top turnbuckle.. and they fight up there, headbutts finally send Trips to the mat. Hunter catches quick and shakes Chris down. He then goes back up and finally catches the superplex.
“Remember when superplexes won matches?” – Hernandez
“That was the finishing move of The Widowmaker!” – Me on obscurity
Pedigree set-up, but reversed into a slingshot. They both stand into the ring and chop to the chop to the chop, Benoit finally gets the triple Germans. Benoit goes for ANOTHER triple German, and they both look exausted. Thumb across the neck and Chris is going up!
He HITS it! Referred by JR as the DYNAMITE KID headbutt.. sweet. Once again, Chris goes for the triple Germans, but gets to two and Hunter gets to the ropes. Instead he climbs on top of Hunter and does the 10 punch count. Big chops now with a room full o’ Woos! Out of nowhere, Hunter whips Benoit into the corner and we go to the double count…. Trips crawls over for 2.
Pedigree set-up reversed into Sharpshooter, kicked out. Pedigree set-up again, reversed into the Crossface… Ric is going nuts outside and the ref is distracted.. still no tapping. The ref sees it and Trips rolls out of it, but Benoit goes for ANOTHER rolling German.. the 2nd though Hunter kicks out of it and goes for the Pedigree reversed into the Sharpshooter. Ric climbs the top and tosses the belt, but is caught by Benoit instead.
While the ref is tossing out Ric, Trips gets the nutshot and the Pedigree and.. THAT’S IT!
WINNER: TRIPLE HHH
A sad ending actually, since Benoit went SO far over and then loses to ONE NUTSHOT and ONE PEDIGREE… The Pedigree is NOT the Stunner, and should not have that same kind of impact to win at ‘ANY TIME’ …. me and Hernandez agree. Lame ending to an awesome match.
SMACKDOWN RECAP – Go check out what happened here by CJ Ambrosia. Who if he wasn’t a guy, would have the sexiest name of all of Inside Pulse. Aw, hell – it’s sexy anyway.
(Locally, there is a new commercial for a wrestling school. They are getting a plug.. why? Because Indy wrestling is what it is… http://www.soulasylumwrestling.com)
(When Harry Met Sally – Angle & Christie… HOLY CRAP CHRISTIE I LOVE YOU! ..genius.. with a cameo by Linda, nice.)
…here comes Hassan and Akbar… whoopty-crap…
He stands there in protest.
“That’s nice.. NEXT!” – Hernandez
“Check please.” – Me
Him not being part of Wrestlemania runs deeper than the WWE.. whatever.
“Like.. you know… EDGE deep…” – Me
Backstage Christy & Lita are talking. Hey! Lita sees Snitsky. After Snitsky beats Batista, he’s coming for Lita.
“Just like Lita was coming for Edge…” – Me
Are Edge & Lita jokes so last week? Yes.
Does that stop us? No.
If you don’t like it, write your congressman.
Before we get to the match, let it be knownst that we have roughly ten minutes left for that match.
BATISTA vs. GENE SNITSKY
“Hey look, my boyfriend” – Danielle
“Isn’t that fiancee’?” – Me
“I was talking about Dave!” – Danielle
Batista seems to enjoy the crowd support – and here comes Snitsky.
“Somewhere McMahon is having an orgasm.. two huge guys in the main event again.” – Hernandez.
Coming down to the ring right now is Ric and Trips. The bell rings anyway. Lock-up. Headlock from Snitsky. Batista tosses him into the ropes and we get the unmovable object spot. Gene asks for Dave to shoulderblock him again, but he catches him with a short arm clothesline instead. A shoulderblock sends Gene down. He then POWERSLAMS Gene.
Distraction from Ric & Trips. Dave charges Gene and catches a big boot to the face. Gene hops outside and starts wrapping Dave’s legs around the pole. He pulls Dave to the center and continues to working on the leg of Batista. Elbows to the knee. Dave picks up Gene and a pump-handle slam from Snitsky.. How the hell did he do that?!
Gene is going to pull Dave out again, but Snitsky gets a boot to the face instead. He tosses Gene into the corner poll and back in the ring and Dave is now taking advantage. A couple clotheslines into the corner. He tosses Gene into the ropes and not only does he spinebust Snitsky, he HOLDS him up there. Now he’s going for the Dave-bomb and Ric comes in to clip Dave’s leg.
Who’s coming out?
“Marty Janetty” – Hernandez.
Dave though fights out of it! He gets Ric & Gene out of the ring and Trips is now handing out chairs. All three guys coming in with chairs. They slide in and KANE comes on in to take out Snitsky. Ric takes a spinebuster.. and Triple H leaves. Kane chokeslams Gene. Davebomb to Gene.
HEY! Where’d Trips get a mic? Next week, Dave has to face.. … .. MARTY– I mean. KANE!
Jenna gets the points for the right guess on that one.
So, another great lead-up to Wrestlemania. Maybe not the best main event, but a solid show overall. Final opinions?
“I still want Tito Santana to show up…” – Jenna
“Great night minus Trips win over Benoit” – Hernandez
“..Say something witty for me..” – Danielle
“I’m impressed that there was so much wrestling!” – Eric
“TWO WORDS – MARTY FRIGGING JANETTY!” – Me.
“I want Wrestlemania.. so I can watch Trish eat Christie” – Roommate Jeremy chimes in.
That’s that guys. I think we had a batch of fun tonight. Hope you did.