Riding Coattails: Survivor Confidential

One of the best things about reality TV is that as a viewer, I start to feel like I know the people on the show. I become attached to certain participants and repulsed by others. I want to take some of them back to my place and cook them a big meat and potatoes dinner (or maybe just ask them to unclog my shower drain clad in a thong). And with some of them, I’m tempted to get out the sock filled with horse manure. While some people claim they weren’t portrayed fairly by the editors (cough, Jerri), all I know is what I see. And given what I’ve seen after four episodes of Survivor: Palau, I have a few things to say to each contestant. Here it is, my very own Survivor Confidential.

Confidential to Koror:
Nice shelter there, boys and girls. It’s not getting a little crowded in there, is it?

Confidential to Jenn:
Wow! You got an interview this week! I had totally forgotten you were on the show. It’s a shame, too, since you have such an impressive bio (working as a nanny, being an exchange student in Spain, etc.). I’m guessing that your absence from the screen thus far is a tribute to how much more I’ll see of you down the road. And losing twice to Stephenie is nothing to be ashamed of. She’s an animal. But perhaps you’ll be making a few purring sounds of your own next week when you cuddle up to Gregg. I can’t wait.

Confidential to Willard:
You’re the Scout (as in Ms. Cloud Lee of Vanuatu) this season, clearly cerebral and observant but a sleeper in the physical competitions. If you have some limitation, such as a missing limb or butt implants, you sure aren’t talking about it. So why do you keep sitting out the challenges? Talk to me, Willard.

Confidential to Caryn:
When you were bitching about all of the Tom worship that goes on in your camp, I totally felt your pain. There’s nothing more annoying than the presence of a strong, burny hot male who is capable of transforming otherwise sensible women into giddy little lap dogs, salivating for their master. Oh, and I’m glad you enjoyed the champagne.

Confidential to Gregg:
It must have been awesome to be able to touch Ibrehem’s he-breasts during the immunity challenge. And I’m sure it will be just as incredible touching Jenn’s she-breasts next week. Good luck with all of your mammary-related activities.

Confidential to Janu:
I assume that your eye is healing from that brutal sewing kit reward challenge last episode. You were certainly tough enough to defeat Kim at the immunity challenge, which surprised me. I mean, Kim is lazy, but she probably outweighs you by a good twenty or thirty pounds. You’re a wiry little one, aren’t you?

Confidential to Tom:
Whose blood was that on your forehead? Between you and Bobby Jon, the girls probably don’t have any tampons left in the first aid kit.

Confidential to Katie:
Your hair looks really beautiful in those braids. I suppose that’s not Caryn’s handiwork, since you two probably still hate each other. I bet Coby is your personal island hairdresser.

Confidential to Coby:
Hopefully the sting of rejection you felt when everyone ignored your volunteer to represent Koror in the reward challenge was soothed by your double victory over James. Back at camp, I hope your tribemates gave you full props for your vigor and determination. Not since Brandon cattle whipped Frank down a reward challenge course have I seen such a beautiful butch/femme role reversal.

Confidential to Ian:
You’re the taller, more social version of Ethan Zohn, a completely likeable, easy-going guy and a former winner. The only problem is that your tribemates see you as a leader, which may be a problem down the road. Oh, well. If Survivor doesn’t work out, you can always go back to your dolphins, who probably love you just as much as those people who voted you homecoming king and student body president in college.

Confidential to Ulong:
Sucks to be you guys.

Confidential to Kim:
Your dismissal from the game presented one of the least suspenseful tribal councils I’ve ever seen. So much for all of those theories that you were the Amber to Jeff’s Rob. Not hardly.

Confidential to Ibrehem:
You seem like a nice guy, but I can’t focus on anything except your enormous pecs when you’re on camera. Are those implants or what?

Confidential to Stephenie:
Keep kicking ass, girlfriend. It’s evident that living amongst your four brothers was excellent training for this game. And don’t worry about a boys’ alliance. I think that Bobby Jon and Ibrehem would sooner vote out James than say bye-bye to you and your rock star ways.

Confidential to Bobby Jon:
I really expected you to be more of an a-hole, but you actually appear to have respect for the alpha females of your tribe. Either that, or you wanna git wit one of them. You should let those scars on your chest completely heal before applying any passionate friction, though.

Confidential to Angie:
You’re in so much trouble, honey. You did your part at the immunity challenge, although pushing all 90 pounds of Caryn into the water didn’t look like it was too difficult. But ranting at Koror about how they need a taste of tribal council was a mistake. They probably had a good idea of how you felt already anyway.

Confidential to James:
I’m happy that suffering defeat at the hands of a homosexual gave you new appreciation for all of the gay gym studs out there. And that was a day-um fahn lavatory you done built.

Confidential to Maureen and Graeme:
Thanks for catching the error in my March 1 column entitled Dubious Achievements in which I accused CBS of spoiling the reward challenge. You’re right; Jeff said that only Ulong would win flint in that challenge since Koror already had it (albeit at the bottom of the ocean).

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