What a Tease!

Hi all. Welcome to another of What a Tease! Some of you may know me from a little column I do called The Gatekeepers Guide. Most of you know me as Norty news guy. Tal Aulbrook considers me his hero. Yup, he sure does. Anyway, Everybody know what time it is???

Crowd: **Cough**

That’s right! It’s Trailer Time!!!!

Still need a way to make that actually sound exciting……

New Trailers Online this Week

Basically, you’ll get a direct link to the trailer, the ‘Plot According to Yahoo’ (Or IMDB if it’s an Apple Trailer), the length of the trailer and the *estimated* release date. You’ll ALSO get the following: The Spoilerish ranking – what this basically gauges is how much of the movie the trailer gives away, on a 1-10 scale; My Analysis of the trailer, sometimes being pretty straight and narrow, sometimes being witty and sarcastic, sometimes both; finally, you’ll get an Overall Rating, which is ‘calculated’ based on the length of the trailer, it’s ‘spoilerish-ness’ and, well, how I feel about it. It IS my column, after all, but I promise the ratings will be fair and make sense.

First off: Apple Exclusives **Quicktime Needed**

The Holy Girl.

The plot according to IMDB:16-year-old Amalia looks to save the soul a middle-aged doctor. ***Argh. I should just stick with Yahoo….**

Length: Approx. 1:25.
Release: N/A **Foreign Film – Coming Soon**
Spoilerish : 3
Analysis: It’s foreign, Argentinian to be exact. It’s obviously garned some serious attention at the film festivals, and if the trailer is to be believed, critics love it. It’s short, concise, and well, foreign, which means I don’t really know much about what is going on. It comes together, sort of, at the end, and then you really get a feel for what kind of movie this is. Or maybe I just don’t know how to watch this kind of trailer. Not bad, overall, and again, if it’s your kind of thing.
Overall Rating: 7.0

Nina’s Tragedies

The plot according to IMDB: The taboo relationship between young Nadev and his Aunt Nina transcends definition on its way to odd highs and lows.

Length: 1:51
Release: March 21st, 2005 (limited).
Spoilerish: 5.5
Analysis: Maybe I should just call Apple the foreign film site from now on. Here’s another one, this time coming out of a seemingly monstrous run of the Israeli Oscars – in 2003. Why they’re releasing it now, I have no idea. Also, the trailer focuses on Nina and her love life, and I didn’t see ‘young Nadev’ anywhere. It looks like a solid romantic tragedy, but again, what do I know with stuff like this?
Overall Rating: 5.5

Smile

The plot according to IMDB: Introduced to a volunteer opportunity with the Doctor’s Gift Program, Katie (Mika Boorem) signs up for a trip to China, where she meets Lin (Yi Ding), a girl with whom she shares a birthday. Lin has a facial deformity that discourages her from ever showing her face, but her friendship with Katie helps her start to see life in a new way.

Length: 2:06
Spoilerish: 6
Release: June 8th, 2005
Analysis: Aww, another for…….wait a second – Sean Astin? Linda Hamilton? What’s going on here? Turns out this one is far from a foreign film, and is actually shot in America and China, or so they say. But, as for the trailer, it’s a nice, touching, coming of age film that families might like quite a bit. It gives away a small to moderate chunk of the story and some major lines, but I guess that could be forgiven considering the material. One beef – the girl going to China to change her life? Does that really happen? I find it hard to believe – or has Kern succeeded and I have really become a bitter jerk?
Overall Rating: 6

Back to the Yahoo Trailers:

Deep in the Blue

The plot according to Yahoo: Rusty (Hatosy) starts to pursue a path to a more meaningful life, thanks to his connection to Bob (Goldblum), the boyfriend of his mother, Mary (Lynch). His new take on life causes friction with his best friend, Dallas (Cann), and both men find their friendship pushed to its breaking point, causing them to make life-changing decisions.

Length: 1:07
Spoilerish: 4
Release Date: March 25, 2005 (limited).
Analysis: Well, this is certainly a jumbled mess on screen. Honestly, I didn’t know what the heck was going on, because it was just scene, change, scene, change, scene, a lot in a minute, and leaving me feeling very disoriented. All I know is they left Texas, and that’s not good for a film you want to do well in limited release. Good idea to focus on Jeff Goldblum, as he’s easily the most recognizable of the bunch. Disappointing.
Overall Rating: 3.5

Layer Cake

The plot according to Yahoo: Just as a successful cocaine dealer, who has earned a respected place among England’s Mafia elite, eyes an early retirement from the business, big boss Jimmy Price hands down a tough assignment: find Charlotte Ryder, the missing rich princess daughter of Jimmy’s old pal Edward, a powerful construction business player and gossip papers socialite. Complicating matters are two million pounds’ worth of Grade A ecstasy, a brutal neo-Nazi sect and a whole series of double crossings.

Length: 1:58
Spoilerish: 4
Release: May 13th, 2005 (LA/NY).
Analysis: So this is the work from the next guy to direct X-Men eh? I must say, that trailer is damn thrilling, and the music of Ordinary World is fantastic. It’s fast and doesn’t let you go until the end. From the looks of it, it gives away minimal amounts of plot, and that’s refreshing. A coke dealer looking for an out is forced to do another job, it seems, and business definitely picks up from there. Tons of action, characterization and surprises, it seems, and that’s always a good thing in my book.
Overall Rating: 7.0

Rock School

The plot according to Yahoo: At the real life School of Rock, a group of misfit kids get in touch with their inner rock star.

Length: 1:59
Spoilerish: 4.0
Release: June 3rd, 2005 (NY/LA).
Analysis: Looks like this one is for the fans of rock and roll, or maybe those interested in some nutjob teaching a bunch of kids how to rock. I don’t know, this trailer, this movie, doesn’t do much of anything for me. Even as a guy who likes to know how and why things develop, this ‘behind the scenes’ look, if you can call it that, just seems silly. Be on the lookout for the part where he screams at the kid, and the kid just laughs it off. Very telling, indeed
Overall Rating: 5.0

Sin City

The Plot according to Yahoo: Sin City is a violent city where the police department is as corrupt as the streets are deadly. In this movie, we follow three stories, the central of which is Marv, a tough-as-nails and nearly impossible to kill street fighter who goes on a rampage of vengeance when a beautiful woman, Goldie (King), he sleeps with for only one night is killed while lying in bed with him.

Length: 2:03
Spoilerish: 5.0
Release: April 1st, 2005.
Analysis: Gah. Words don’t describe how awesome this movie looks. I thought I knew it best when I first saw the teaser some time ago, but damn it, I’m in love. Almost everything in this trailer is perfect, and that is something I will rarely, if ever, say. It’s given me goosebumps – it’s that good. Watch it, and watch it now.
Overall Rating: 9.0

The Skeleton Key

The Plot according to Yahoo: Set largely in the dark backwoods just outside of New Orleans, The Skeleton Key stars Hudson as Caroline, a live-in nurse hired to care for an elderly woman’s (Rowlands) ailing husband (Hurt) in their home…a foreboding and decrepit mansion in the Louisiana delta. Intrigued by the enigmatic couple and their rambling house, Caroline beings to explore the old mansion. Armed with a skeleton key that unlocks every door, she discovers a hidden attic room that holds a deadly and terrifying secret.

Length: 2:18
Spoilerish: 6.5
Release: July 8th, 2005.
Analysis: Well, holy hell. I didn’t see this coming. This little trailer actually gave me the willies – I’m not sure if it’s the acting, the scenes, the plot, or a mix of the above. Ghost stories can be amazingly scary if they’re done right, and this has the potential to scare the hell out of people. Of course, we keep saying that, and we keep getting disappointed, so time will tell. July is a long way away, and we’ll see another trailer between now and then. Still, given the length of this one and the fair amount of plot given away, it’s considered special when it can make you feel, at least slightly, creeped out.
Overall Rating: 6.0

Zathura

The Plot according to Yahoo: Two brothers discover an oblong box in the park, which they dismiss as “just some dumb old game.” The boys turn their attention away from the game’s “jungle adventure” board to discover a second game board inside with an outer-space theme and a colored path leading to the purple planet, Zathura. Mayhem ensues each time one of the boys draws a game card or rolls the dice. Facing meteors and giant robots, the brothers begin to appreciate each other and their sibling rivalry dissolves.

Length: 2:33
Spoilerish: 2.5
Release: December 21st, 2005 .
Analysis: Can you say Jumanji in space? Because obviously the filmmakers can. Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved Jumanji, but to blatently rip it off and just paint it a different color…..meh. This one will be for the kids, and I guess that makes it okay. I mean, if any film should be turned into a kid film, it’s definitely Jumanji *If it wasn’t a kids film already. Who knows.* It’s a nice trailer that shows the brothers, the discovery of the game, and the first card mishap, and nothing more. Of course, the release day is a long time away, so that might have something to do with it, but for now, this is one that parent should keep an eye on for their kids.
Overall Rating: 6.0

Trailers for Films Opening This Very Weekend! (Weekend of March 18th, 2005)

The Ring 2

The plot according to Yahoo: The story picks up six months after the horrifying events that terrorized Rachel Keller and her son Aidan in Seattle. To escape her haunting memories, Rachel takes Aidan and moves to the small coastal community of Astoria, Oregon, to start fresh. However, Rachel’s resolve quickly turns to dread when evidence at a local crime scene-including an unmarked videotape-seems eerily familiar. Rachel realizes that the vengeful Samara is back and more determined than ever to continue her relentless cycle of terror and death.

Length: 2:33
Spoilerish: 7
Analysis: I am an uber, UBER fan of The Ring. To me, The Ring is horror done right, and it was scary as hell. Now, they sequelize it three years later, and I must say the trailer gets me pumped for the film **Even though my gut instincts and early screenings are less stellar** I think this is a pretty solid trailer for a horror film. It introduces the film by bringing back the main characters and that damn tape. Unfortunately, like every trailer on Earth today, it gives away some pretty major plot points **MUST you tell us about the girls intentions?** That being said, overall it’s an above average trailer, and you can’t ask for much more these days. It gets bonus points for keeping the creep factor from the original fresh in people’s minds. Let’s hope the movie holds up too.
Overall Rating: 7

Ice Princess

The plot according to Yahoo: Brainy Casey Carlyle (Michelle Trachtenberg) has never quite fit in. Caught between her fantasy of becoming a championship figure skater and her strong-willed mother (Joan Cusack), who has her on the fast track to Harvard, she can only hope to be like Nikki, Tiffany and Gen (Hayden Panettiere) – three elite skating prodigies who are ruthlessly competing on the US National circuit (and have attitudes to match). But when Casey gets the chance to train with Gen and her coach, a disgraced former skating champion who also happens to be Gen’s mother (Kim Cattrall), she must dash her own mother’s hopes in order to pursue her dream. Now, with only the support of Gen’s teenage brother, a hunky Zamboni driver (Trevor Blumas), Casey takes on the challenge of her life when she finds herself competing against the best to make it into the championship circuit and become a real “ice princess.”

Length: 2:26
Spoilerish: 8
Analysis: I keep saying to myself, it’s a Disney movie for kids. And that way I don’t lose my mind and go into a blind rage over the idiocy that is this film. I ignore the facts, like the necessity to train almost your entire life to be half decent on ice, let alone go to the Olympics. I forget that this is just like every other sports “I have a dream” movie that came before it. And you know what? It doesn’t help much. This is a total sham. And what the hell is “Sex in any City” Kim Cattrall doing in this movie? Plus, as a trailer, which showed all of those things so it’s not an off topic rant, it’s long, tedious, and spoils the hell out of the movie. Normally I’d argue with myself, saying hey, it’s Disney and family and that kind of trailer people dig. But this doesn’t even make any sense! I won’t trash the score because familys and kills WILL eat this up, and probably like it, but its not even average, at best. It’s a generic trailer that actually turned me off to the movie. Oh Mouse House, what happened to you?
Overall Rating: 4.0

The Number One Movie in America!

Every week, I’ll take the number one movie in America and put its trailer here, just in case anyone hasn’t seen it yet (or you just loves the trailer). Also, comments from anyone who has seen the film and the trailer will be thrown in, to give you a complete idea about it and the movie.

Except this week, again, because Brendan Campbell wasn’t around when I was doing this. Again.

Robots.

The plot according to Yahoo : Set on a world populated entirely by robots, this is the story of a young genius, Rodney (Ewan McGregor), who wants to make robots capable of making the world a better place, but he finds his dream challenged by a corporate tyrant and a master inventor, Big Weld (Mel Brooks), while also being seduced by a sexy corporate robot, Cappy (Halle Berry).

Length: 2:29
Spoilerish: 6
Analysis: Watching this trailer again, I’m even more excited about this movie because of it. As I wrote, it’s not hard to be impressed with an animated movie’s trailer. They usually do everything right, and there’s no exception here. This one will be another monster hit, and with the fantastic cast (Robin Williams!) featured in the trailer, it looks mighty. The only question at this point is whether or not the best jokes of the film were used in the trailer (anything over a minute and a half is way too long for a comedy). But it didn’t give away too much of the plot or anything else, and it really shined the lights on it’s stellar cast.
Overall Rating: 8.0

Debating that DVD purchase? Check out the trailer first!

Yup, each week, I’ll take the new, major DVD release(s) and put the trailer here too. Just to help you decide how to spend that cash or remind you about a movie, in case you forgot ^_^

The Incredibles

The plot according to Yahoo: ‘The Incredibles’ follows the adventures of a family of former superheroes rediscovering the true source of their powers – in one another. Once one of the world’s top masked crimefighters, Bob Parr (AKA Mr. Incredible) fought evil and saved lives on a daily basis. But fifteen years later, he and his wife Helen (a famous former superhero in her own right) have been forced to take on civilian identities and retreat to the suburbs. Today they live as mere mortals and lead all-too-ordinary lives with their children… who go out of their way to appear “normal.” As a clock-punching insurance man, the only thing Bob fights these days is boredom and a bulging waistline. Itching for action, the sidelined superhero gets his chance when a mysterious communication summons him to a remote island for a topsecret assignment. Now, with the fate of the world hanging in the balance, the family must come together and once again find the fantastic in their family life.

Length: 2:33
Spoilerish: 6.0
Analysis: I saw it. I loved it. Arguably the best movie of 2004. If you haven’t gotten it by now, what the HECK are you waiting for? Honestly, the trailer is awesome, and even THAT doesn’t touch the level of amazing this movie is. Watch the trailer while you’re here, and then go get it. Yes. Now. Get it. Get it now.
Overall Rating : 8.0

Alfie

The plot according to Yahoo: A womanizing British playboy in New York City finds that there are serious consequences to his carefree lifestyle.

Length: 1:18
Spoilerish: 3.5
Analysis: What an excellent trailer. It introduces the main theme of the movie – your loveable British playboy – and cuts in some nice scenes while ruining almost nothing. A lot of people had qualms with this film, but I liked it. Of course, I haven’t seen the original, so who knows yet. That being said, based on this trailer, if I hadn’t seen the movie, I’d personally give it a rental, at least.
Overall Rating : 7.0

Wrapping it Up

So, that’ll do it for another week. Any thoughts or comments, send them my way, and, as usual,

Until next time…..

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