The SmarK Impact Rant – March 16 2005
– Word of explanation. Here in Canada, TNA recently got on French-language sports channel RDS (the Quebec version of TSN) with their Impact show, which is thus delayed by a few days because of editing. Not editing the content as such, but overlaying French announcers and having all the interviews translated by said announcers into French. The result is kind of like what we had to endure here in Canada when WCW Nitro was first chopped up and broadcast for us in early 97. Dunno if I’ll keep doing this, but I figured that since I was bored last night anyway, I’d give people a treat.
– Taped in Orlando god knows when.
– Your hosts are some French guy and his French buddy.
– Opening match: Abyss & Raven v. Cassidy Reilly & Mikey Batts. I really like the timer at the top of the screen and match listing, because it saves me two pieces of work. Abyss attacks Batts and faceplants him, but he cradles Raven for two. Raven legsweeps him into the turnbuckles and tosses him, then legsweeps him into the railing, then back in for another go at the turnbuckles again. He’s in a bad mood today. Kneelift and Abyss tags himself in again, as Reilly fights both off until Raven dropkicks him from behind. Abyss presses Batts to the floor in a nice spot, and the Black Hole Slam finishes Reilly at 2:29. 3/4* for the crazy bump. Jeff Hardy appears on-screen to taunt Abyss about Destination X, and hearing the French announcers translating Hardy’s ramblings into another language is pretty surreal.
– Jeff Jarrett joins us to run down Dusty Rhodes and proclaim it all to be a big conspiracy against him. Oh, and DDP sucks. It makes me stop and think that just 5 years ago, Jarrett and DDP were trading the WCW belt, and a few months later the promotion DIED. Now, I’m not saying there’s a direct correlation or it’s their fault, but it happened and I’m just saying. DDP joins us and cuts Generic DDP Interview #5B, as Jarrett should shut up and feel the bang. Fat chance on the first one.
– Christopher Daniels v. Chris Sabin. Daniels gets a quick STO and a slam to start, and drops an elbow for two. Sabin slugs back, but gets clotheslined down. Daniels gets a flatliner for two and hits the chinlock. Sabin fights back, but gets pounded down for two. Daniels tries a springboard bodyblock, but Sabin dropkicks him to counter and snaps off a rana. Atomic drop and enzuigiri get two. Daniels blocks a tornado DDT and gets a lariat, however, then misses the moonsault and Sabin rolls him up for two. Daniels escapes the Cradle Shock and finishes with the Angel’s Wings at 3:40. Kind of sad to see Sabin reduced to a TV jobber like that, but it was a fun match. *1/2
– Meanwhile, Konnan and TAFKA Billy Gunn, who is now The Outlaw, get into each other’s faces. And if you thought Konnan was incoherent BEFORE, try listening to him with French dubbed over top. The upshot is that K-Dog thinks that BG James is hiding something stemming from a conversation with the Outlaw. You know, if you stuck the New Age Outlaws, X-Pac, Konnan, Ron Killings and the Outsiders together in one big stable, you’d have the shittiest main event matches ever, but an absolute merchandising cash cow and would probably draw some money on top to boot. But I guess that would be predictable and thus they go completely out of their way to make sure the alliances shift every show and no one knows who’s on what side.
– Sonny Siaki v. The Outlaw. It’s like The Rock v. Billy Gunn, but not. Outlaw slugs away in the corner, but Siaki controls with armdrags and Outlaw has to go to the eyes. Drop sleeper gets two. Outlaw chokes away and gets the delayed suplex, but Siaki comes back with a neckbreaker. Siaki fights back with clotheslines, but the Dumbasser finishes at 2:54. Seen one Gunn squash, seen ’em all. 1/2* However, The Outlaw DOES look and act like a star in the ring, which is more than can be said for a lot of the guys in TNA. Doesn’t mean he’s better in the ring than them, but he projects that star look that they can at least get something out of.
– Meanwhile, it’s party time in Dusty’s pickup truck with Dustin and AMW, but Team Canada wants a fight.
– Buck Quatermain & Lex Lovett v. The Harris Brothers. I see they’ve reverted to ripping off their own DOA gimmick again now. At least when they were DOA they wore nametags so I could tell them apart. Neckbreaker and sideslam from one of them to start on Buck (I think), and the other Harris comes in for the double-team suplex, which finishes at 1:28. I may have mixed up one or all of the participants here, but big whoop. DUD Phi Delta Slam attacks, looking like Public Enemy in their college days or something, but gets nowhere.
– Meanwhile, Nash and Dusty have a conversation that nearly makes my head explode from all the jokes I could make about them. I mean, hell, comparing notes on who booked their promotion further into the ground would take HOURS as it is. Anyway, The Outlaw and Jeff Jarrett’s Evil Lawyer wander out, so Dusty makes the Outlaw-Nash match on the PPV First Blood. You’d think after Jarrett’s lawyer used his evil lawyering skill to allow Jeff to use a cello instead of a guitar that Dusty would learn his lesson. WWE should fire McDevitt and hire this guy. The question I have, though — if my ears bleed upon hearing about a Billy Gunn v. Kevin Nash match on PPV, does that fulfill the stipulation by itself, or do I still actually have to watch the match?
– David Young v. Shark Boy. I love the French announcers translating the Jaws music into French for us. Thanks, guys. Young pounds him down to start, but Shark Boy gets a double knee and fires away in the corner. Young gets an awkward neckbreaker , but hits manager (?) Chris Candido by mistake, and Shark Boy takes advantage by biting him in the ass. No wonder he never wins. Bulldog gets two. He goes up to finish, but Young catches him with the CURTAIN-JERK SPINEBUSTER and gets the pin at 1:45. 1/4*
– Lance Hoyt v. Apolo. This would be our main event tonight. Hoyt can’t overpower Apolo, and gets headlocked. Apolo powers him down and gives him a couple of lame looking rights, which as it turns out amounts to pretty much his entire offense. Apolo goes after Kash and gets booted as a result. Sideslam gets two for Hoyt. Hoyt chokes him down and gets two. Apolo fights back, but Hoyt slugs him down for two. Nash choke in the corner follows, and a corner clothesline, but Apolo uses the power of his punches to fight back again. Seriously, the guy only ever punches here. Hoyt lays in chops, and so does Apolo, except lamer. Some clotheslines set up some sort of Stroke-type move for two, and something vaguely resembling a Stone Cold Stunner, but with less actual contact made, actually finishes for Apolo at 4:57. Good lord, they’re PUSHING this guy? 1/4*
– Monty Brown, at the announce table doing commentary, runs afoul of Tryton to end the show.
The Inside Pulse:
Hey hey, French overdubbing aside, this was actually a nice little hour of wrestling in the old WCW weekend show vein. If I’m up at midnight again next week, maybe I’ll do this again.