Stuff I Think, And Shouldn't Say: Like a Rhinestone Cowboy

Yeah, baby.

I am not gonna lie, I am having a kickass week. With today’s MLB Steroid Proceedings and the NCAA Tournament starting, things are definitely going to be cool.

Eastern Kentucky, by the way, has come out on fire against Kentucky, but I know much better than to assume that they have a shot. It may be close for a while, but no amount of heart came make up for pure athleticism.

How would I know?

Hell, if you didn’t know already, Ssquared here was a Collegiate Soccer Player. In fact, my dumpy 5’10” ass was a pretty damn good goalkeeper, and due to my lack of regard for my personal safety, I was actually doing really well for a time. Hell, started the first game of the season three years in a row, until a back injury put me on the shelf for good.

You try lifting my 30 pound head into the air 3 feet, and see how you do!

My Bologna Has a First Name

This week I finally got on stage and did some stand-up here in NYC. Like I said weeks ago, it was at this sweet little joint in Williamsburg called Alligator Lounge.

It turns out, I got up sixth and had to choke down some “liquid courage” in the form of a personal favorite of mine: Jagermeister. I don’t care if it does, in fact, happen to have deer blood in it, the stuff has made many of my most embarrassing hook-ups bearable, and even got me through a class or two in college.

Anyway, the show went well, my material flowed nicely, and I happened to have the good fortune of talking about Marijuana with an audience that featured, well, several Marijuana users who happened to stop by for the free pizza.

(Note: At Alligator Lounge, you get a FREE pizza with ANY drink you order. Just remember to tell the bartender, and the first topping is extra, but name a better place where you get a beer and an ENTIRE pizza for around 5 bucks.)

My buddy ATP and I had worked on ALL of the material that day, so if any of it went over well, it was due to good writing. I have a sneaking suspicion that my numerous Jager shots gave me the “poise” I would have liked to have had.

Oh well, at least I got up.

…And I plan to do it again. So, if you are in or around Brooklyn (believe da hype, ya’ll) swing by Alligator Lounge Tuesday Nights around 9:15-ish. The shit usually starts to fly after that.

They’ll Never Give Us A Car

Dammit, dammit, dammit. My mom complained earlier that I don’t have ANYTHING related to Music anywhere in my columns today.

Me: Mom, don’t you realize that every header I write WITHIN the column are lyrics?

Mom: Nope.

Me: So, even if I sung the song, you STILL wouldn’t know what it was?

Mom: You know I can’t understand the words.

Me: (singing) Lucy’s really dry with migraines..

Yeah, my Mother, bless her heart, just lacks the ability to comprehend simple lyrics. The last song I know she actually sang properly was either New Kids on the Block’s “Hangin’ Tough” or MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.”

In fact, I had to correct her on the lyrics to “La La” by Ashlee Simpson, by letting her know the song is about sex, and not crying like an infant, and “Drop It Like It’s Hot” by Snoop, which is pretty much the easiest song in the world to understand, even through the silly ass bleeps, my grandmother knows what to do when a n*gga gets an attitude.

Snoop must have recorded that shit high as a kite, because for a guy with a bizarre drawl and mumbled delivery, he raps that song really, really slow.

Stand Tall, Stand Proud

I was reading Mathan’s new column this morning, and I got to thinking about hip hop.

As a white dude, all the “rap aficionados” I knew in college would laugh when they realized just how much shit I knew about the genre.

It ceases to amaze me that simply due to my upbringing in Upstate New York in the epitome of a suburban town, that people forget that we “White Folk” stole the genre and completely bastardized it.

Don’t think so? How is it that the target audience has NOTHING in common with the artists? A large portion of MCs today are still from the ghetto/projects/mean streets/school of hard knocks, and yet their commercial success is determined by the purchase power of 14-28 year old white kids. No shit. The radio play (or “accessibility”) is largely dependent on how easily a listener can identify with the artist.

I haven’t got shit in common with 50 Cent, and yet his album is number one in the land (AGAIN!) and his new single is basically “In Da Club (Part Too!)” There is no longer any originality, so when an artist is refreshing or does something that I like, I make note.

So, after all my bullshit, non-sensical rambling, I am going to “pimp” a bit. My fave hip-hop album of the last 5 years is something that probably flew too far under the radar for the casual fan, but Mathan MIGHT know it.

People Under the Stairs.

They rule. Honestly, in an industry full of half-ass retreads, these guys always put out shit that makes me think; makes me WANT to listen, hell, makes me go SEARCH for the rare track they might have sampled for 1/10th of a second.

Add them to the list of Hip Hop artists I listen to regularly, along with: Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Run DMC, Beasties, Jay-Z, Eminem (prior to Encore), Common and many more. I think the sign of a great MC is whether or not he can remain “true” to his upbringing, like Tupac, but not come off so hard as to offend the target audience, i.e. my fat ass.

Sorry, just had to vent a bit there.

Check Baby, Check Baby…One, Two..

Everytime my girl and I head out onto Long Island, I see Shea Stadium. I don’t remember if we’re driving the Grand Central or Northern Parkway at that stretch, but I do know that, for some reason, I think I am going to jump on that bandwagon.

Not because I think they have a great deal to offer fans this season, as losing Steve Trachsel for a while IS gonna hurt, but its mostly due to proximity. I live near the Stadium…

…well, that and I hate the f*cking Yankees. HATE, DESPISE, WANT TO VOMIT ON ALL THINGS YANKEES.

I usually do a good job of keeping my mouth shut about it all, as my girl is a HUGE fan. I just can’t do it anymore.

See, I never lived in an area where I have access to a MAJOR pro franchise of any sort. The AHL doesn’t count, or I would love the Red Wings, due to my years of following their minor league team when they were in Glens Falls.

My dad and I went to a TON of games, and I got to see Adam Oates after he had just graduated from RPI.

Back to the point, the Mets have won my heart this offseason. Whether its Pedro signing due to GM Omar Minaya’s Thanksgiving visit or Carlos Beltran’s insistence that they are going to build the franchise anew, I now love them.

Its fate, the Mets and I. We both are trying to make big splashes after decades of stagnation. Want to be successful? Steal the Yankees’ thunder by signing the top two free agents in the offseason!

It’s a large media market down here, but I bet that around mid-season, we’ll see more people like me jumping on the bandwagon. At least I am doing it ahead of time.

Big Pimpin’

Gloomchen is either TRYING to show me up, or God himself gave her the power to consistently put out the best stuff here at InsidePulse. **Bonus Points for sticking MC Chris on her mixtape!

Anyone involved in ESPN’s Mens Tournament Challenge and want to join my group? We’re “Bacon-naise,” due to a family friend’s stupid suggestion. You’ll need the password, so here it is: BACON! (be sure to include the exclamation point, and the login is case-sensitive)

Just found a great site that offers BOTH fantasy Basketball and Football. Head over to and check out what they have to offer. Fun, fun times, indeed.

You know who NEVER reads my column? Tom D’Errico. Maybe he’ll say “hi” after my little plug here. In case you don’t know, he’s a big fan of Jani Lane!

Mike Eagle is like a brother from another mother. Which makes sense, as we DO look nothing alike! In all honesty, I have to admit, I was hurt he dissed Mos Def, but what do I know? I’m just a doughy redhead from the ‘burbs!

Last, but certainly not least, Dan Hevia interviews another 24 star: Reiko Aylesworth (a.k.a. Michelle Dessler.) Great listen; an absolute must for ANY 24 fan.

That’s it for me this week, guys. Enjoy your St. Patty’s Day, and go get KRUNK!

Keep it real,


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