SMACK this! – 03.17.05


SMACK this! (or, can things get ANY weirder around here?)

Quick hits: The Hooligan is back. I dunno, I like his more “grown up” stuff better, but I guess that’s just me…


As previously helmed by one Eric Szulczewski., I’ve taken the liberty of taking the text and links from his Anti-Spyware section, and put it up on a page of it’s own, here. After spending three hours killing the “Desktop Search” crap from my singer’s computer, I feel that information like this is too good to be left out. So there ya go.

One world, two brands, everything happens in threes…

Yep, the dumb theme is back, and so is that silly fist. We are TAPED from the Savannah Civic Center in Savannah GA; it’s WWE SmackDown! Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Michael Cole and Tazz tell us there was tremendous concern this week, as the Replay-O-Matic shows John Cena giving Teddy Long the FU; Long will address the Cena situation tonight! And, we’ll also have the Randy Orton / Undertaker Contract Signing!

Kurt Angle comes out to talk about the Rockers’ Reunion on RAW. He admits to HBK that it was a nice try, giving Marty a chance to prepare for tonight. Shawn will find out there’s no way to prepare for Angle at WM, and Marty will find out tonight. “I know you can rock; let’s see how well you can tap!”

Kurt Angle vs Marty Jannetty. RAW Rebound footage shows the Rockers’ Reunion, culminating with Marty’s Rocker Dropper and HBK’s superkick on La Rez for the win. “MARTY” chants start us off. Lockup, and Kurt backs Jannetty into the corner, grabs some hair, but lets him go. Lockup again, and Kurt applies a hammerlock, which Jannetty reverses into his own. Kurt drops down for a fireman’s carry, but Jannetty gets him in a head scissors. Kurt powers out and goes for an elbow, but Jannetty moves a plants a boot to the gut. Jannetty looks like he’s trying for a powerbomb or piledriver, but Kurt gets out. They both miss short clotheslines, but Jannetty gets a boot again, and sends Kurt for the ride. High hiptoss by Jannetty, but Kurt kicks out, and Jannetty kips up, and we’re all square, as the crowd shows its appreciation. And so do I; nice sequence. Another “MARTY” chant from the crowd as they lockup, with Kurt latching a side headlock. Kurt takes him down, and Kurt rolls a bit to get a one count. Jannetty fights back up and sends Kurt for the ride, but a shoulder block knocks him down, and Kurt with another side headlock takedown. Kurt rolls again for a pair of one counts, but Jannetty cradles Kurt for two. Kurt’s still holding on to the headlock, but Jannetty fights back up again and sends him for the ride. Kurt takes him down with a shoulder block again, but this time Jannetty drops down as Kurt hits the opposite ropes. Armdrag takedown by Jannetty, who works into an armbar. Jannetty splashes the bicep (which Cole calls a knee – whatadoosh), and continues to work the armbar. Angle gets to his feet while Jannetty works into an arm wringer, but Angle counters into a takedown and an armbar of his own. Arm wringer by Angle, but Jannetty reverses into one of his own, jerking the arm three times (see? It DOES happen in three’s!) before settling back into a reverse armbar. Kurt backs Jannetty into the corner, but breaks clean, again. They go for another lockup, but Jannetty gets the boot, and Angle puts him in a front facelock. Angle hiplocks him over for a one count, but holds the front facelock. Jannetty reverses into a hammerlock, but Angle snapmares him over into a rear chinlock. This is SO freakin’ groovy. Jannetty with another reverse into a hammerlock, which he turns into an armbar. Angle goes under to dump Jannetty over the top rope, but Jannetty grabs the rope on the way down and hangs on. Kurt rushes, and Jannetty powers back up to head scissor Kurt over the top, to the floor! Angle rushes the apron, but Jannetty meets him with some feet to the face to send him back to the barricade. Jannetty climbs to the tope rope, and drops a double axe from the top to the floor as we head to…


We’re back, and Angle is in control with a reverse bear hug. Angle rolls up Jannetty for two, and then floats over for another cover, getting only two again. During the break, Angle shoved Janetty into the STEEL post, gaining control of the match. Jannetty elbows Angle in the head a bunch to escape, but running the ropes proves costly as Angle hits him with a knee to the gut. Angle gets a pair of two counts, and then hits a snap suplex for two. Jannetty tries to fight back, but Angle hits him with a forearm, and then a back breaker across the knee for two. Angle cinches a body scissors with the legs, mashing Jannetty’s face in the process. Jannetty squirms out, but Angle holds on to the headlock. Jannetty hits a jawbreaker and tries to send Angle in, but Angle reverses and hits a belly to belly for two. Angle sets up for the Angle Slam, but Jannetty counters into an armdrag. He backs Kurt into the corner with rights and lefts, and sends him for the ride to the other turnbuckle, but the blind charge misses and Angle hits a German Release suplex for two. Two more cover attempts, but no dice for Angle. Angle holds Jannetty in check with an upside down reverse bearhug (is there anything this guy CAN’T do??), but Jannetty powers over for a two count. Angle keeps the hold on, and rolls him for two. Kurt switches over to a camel clutch type move, with a knee to the small of Jannetty’s back. Angle with more face tearing, showing his sensitive side. Angle armdrags Jannetty over for two, then back to the reverse bearhug, working on the ribs again. Jannetty elbows his way out, the hits some rights and chops on the ropes. Jannetty with a whip in, but Angle reverses and drops his head. DDT by Jannetty, and the ten count is on! Jannetty blocks a right and hits a few of his own. Angle gets whipped in and ducks the clothesline, but eats a flying reverse elbow. More punches by Jannetty in the corner, the sends Kurt for the ride to the other side. The bind charge misses again (sigh, they never learn), but Angle eats a flying spin kick. Jannetty with the crowd assisted ten-count punch, but Angle looks to powerbomb Jannetty – who reverses into a hurracanrana! Jannetty climbs to the top and hits a flying body press, but Angle rolls through for a two count. Jannetty is back up, but Kurt ducks under and behind for another German Release suplex. The straps come down, and Angle is coiled, but Jannetty escapes the Angle Slam again over the back, shoving Angle to the ropes, and rolling through for a two count. Jannetty goes for a kick, but Kurt goes for the ankle, which Jannetty counters with a spin kick. Schoolboy on Angle gets a LONG two, and I and everyone else thought it was over there. Angle with a single leg trip up into the ankle lock, but Jannetty powers his way to the corner and drops Angle face first on the second turnbuckle. Jannetty sets up for the Rocker Dropper, but Angle counters into the ankle lock. Jannetty tries to kick out, but Angle holds on. Jannetty tries to escape again, but Angle clamps down and grapevines the leg. Jannetty tries to hold on, but it’s to no avail, as Jannetty finally taps. ****. GREAT MATCH. I was on my feet, cheering Janetty along, and that’s the whole point, isn’t it? This was the best singles match I’ve ever seen Janetty in. Bravo, and kudos to Kurt as well.

Backstage, Teddy Long is getting ready to make his big announcement.


17 Days to WM XXI!

We’re back, and SD GM Teddy Long has a statement. Long is committed to providing the best entertainment for the SmackDown fans, but he will not allow Cena or anyone else to put his hands on him. He will not let the inmates run the asylum. Just as he’s about to make his announcement, WWE Champion John Bradshaw Layfield drops by. He tells Long that it’s about time that he was listened to, since Cena is scum and all. So Long tells JBL that if at anytime between now and WM, if Cena lays a hand on JBL, he will forfeit his title shot. JBL of course, LOVES the idea. But anytime they are in the ring together, bell to bell, all bets are off. JBL can live with that. JBL goes to leave, but tonight, it’s Six Man Tag Action – The Bashams and JBL vs Eddy, Rey and Cena! Meanwhile…

Chavo chats with Uncle Eddy. Chavo tells Eddy that has been a disapointment to the family, citing the fact that just last year Eddy was WWE Champion. Chavo says Eddy is holding back, and that Rey is holding him back. “Do the family a favor. If you’re going to continue to act like this, stop calling yourself a Guerrero.” Ooooooo! Eddy beats up some furniture, and then catches his reflection in the mirror. Cool segment.


Booker’s Gauntlet of Big Slugs: Booker T. vs Luther Reigns. We get a shot of Booker’s new squeeze, who was a former Miss Black America. After Reigns comes out, Heidenreich wanders out to ringside. Heidy grabs a headset at the commentary table, but just grunts and such through the match. Lockup, and they snuggle, er, STRUGGLE along the ropes, into the corner, where Booker breaks clean. Another lockup, and Reigns hits a knee to the midsection, followed by an elbow thrust and a boot on Booker. Reigns sends Booker for the ride, but Booker ducks the clothesline and nails his patented chops and rights combo. Booker goes for a Harlem Whip In, but Reigns reverses and hot shots Booker on the top rope, following up with a clothesline. A boot and cover gets one. Reigns with a neck vice, as Cole tries to make small talk with Heidy, who just grunts some more. Booker tries to elbow out, but Reigns slams Booker head first to the mat. Reigns mugs for the crowd, and then hits a forearm to the back, followed by a kick to the head. Short arm clothesline on Booker gets two. Another cover, another two. Reigns locks in a rear chinlock as we watch Heidy do his Sid impersonation. Booker elbows out, but Reigns slaps on a side headlock, which Booker turns into a side suplex. Booker is up first, and blocks a pair of rights and nails his rights and chops combo again. Booker sends Reigns for the ride, but is reversed and hits a forearm to the head on the way back. A pair of clotheslines followed by a spinebuster from Booker. Booker misses the spin kick, but hits Reigns with the crescent kick to the jaw. Spinnerooni! Boot the midsection! Axe kick! Booker gets the three! Apostrophes for everyone! *, for an inoffensive little match. Hey, at least it was short. Heidenreich has a poem! “No one here could ever know / that a chair and Booker T. could finally show / that this angry man, so consumed by hate / could ever escape, my dead end fate / tonight I wanna give thanks to you Booker T. for showing me the light / ’cause that light is shining oh so bright / and that light is gonna show me, a new way to live my life / and I finally get to the show the whole word, a new Heidenreich. Thank you Booker T. for giving me that chance. Heidenreich thanks the whole world!”

Well, ok then. I smell a bad gimmick change afoot…

Up next, the contract signing!

Commercials, featuring the Angle/Hemme parody of “When Harry met Sally.” I saw this earlier this afternoon, and it was fantabulous. “TAP! TAP! WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” Great stuff.

Teddy Long is in the ring. The SD GM will MC the CS, ya dig? Uh oh, here comes RAW GM Eric Bischoff. He kinda looks like a low-rent Sean Connery. Weird. Bischoff announces the Legend Killer himself. Here comes RKO! Call me kooky, but I think Orton is the heel here. Long snatches the mic from Bisch to announce “the phenom, the dead man, the Undertaker!” BONG! Taker comes out, and Orton does a good job of looking concerned about the whole deal. Taker signs the contract, but Randy has a few things to say. He has nothing but respect for Taker and his legacy, but this year will be different – Taker will be 12-1 after this year. Randy isn’t scared of Taker; in fact, Randy suggests that Taker is afraid of HIM. I do like Taker’s stone face through all this. Randy then SLAPS the taste out of Taker’s mouth, and Taker is PISSED. He slowly takes the hat off, while the Smack-A-Trons go crazy with that weird Taker footage (the stuff they used to Hype the Kane/Taker match from last year), and the lights dim to blue. Cue the fog, and as Taker raises and brings his arms down, two lightning bolts shoot down toward the entrance, near where Randy was making his escape. I think it would have been cooler for RKO to slap Taker, and then Taker grabs him in a goozle, shoves him over the top rope, and THEN do the pyro. As it was, this was ok. Taker makes scary faces as we go to…


Hulk Hogan Replay-O-Matic shows the entrance, and the final few seconds of Hogan / Andre from WMIII.

The SD Divas celebrate St. Patty’s day with some fans.

Strike Force 2K4 EXPLODES: Paul London vs Billy Kidman. Cole tells us that London won a #1 Cruiserweight Contenders match this past weekend and will at some point meet Chavito for the title. They lockup, and twirl against the ropes until Kidman has London in the corner, but London sneaks out. They go for a test of strength, but Kidman kicks London in the gut. A right and a whip in by Kidman, but London hops over the gorilla press attempt, and shoves Kidman to the ropes for a school boy, but Kidman hangs on. I think that’s the worst run on sentence I’ve ever done. London with a boot, Kidman with a block, flips London over completely and goes for a clothesline, but London goes for an almost crucifix, and just drops down and rolls Kidman up for two. Kidman misses an elbow as London hits the ropes and nails this weird body scissors monkey flip, followed by a dropkick for two. London with a forearm and whip to the corner, but Kidman reverses and eats an elbow on the blind charge. London is seated on the top turnbuckle, but fakes Kidman out, landing on his feet. He charges Kidman, who tosses London over the top, but London lands on the apron. As he makes his way to the middle of the apron and jumps up for a springboard move, Kidman hits a dropkick that sends London to the floor. That looked NASTY. Kidman mocks London on the outside for a bit, before sending him back in for a cover and a two count. Kidman with some kicks, a rear chinlock, and some more boots. Kidman keeps on London, working him over on the ropes. Kidman hits a VISCOUS kick to London’s back, and gets a two count. Kidman with another rear chinlock, with London in a sitting position this time. London elbows out and goes for a side suplex, but Kidman lands on his feet, only to eat the second turnbuckle, courtesy of a London drop toehold. Kidman is up first though, and plants a boot. Kidman sends London in for the ride and drops his head, so London kicks him good. London with a pair of chops, followed by a flying body attack (not a forearm, as moron Cole would tell you) and the weakest looking clothesline I’ve ever seen. My 12 year old sister could hit harder than that. London with a whip in, but Kidman reverses, and lifts London up, who head scissors Kidman on the way down. Dropsault? Great, now Cole is making moves up as he goes. Someone pull Bob Caudle out of retirement. PLEASE. It gets two, by the way. London picks Kidman up, but Kidman shoves him hard into the corner. Kidman sets London up top, and punches and chops, but London shoves him down. Kidman goes up again and tries for a superplex, but London hangs on a drops Kidman face first to the mat. Kidman rolls over and kindly moves himself into position for London’s 450 splash, which gets the three. Bleh. * 1/2. I think the point of this was to remind us that London is not just a Velocity Diva. Or something. I also think that London inherited Kidman’s old personality, which is to say, none. And Lord forbid they let the Cruiserweights work like, well, Cruiserweights.

Backstage, Carlito is working the snack bar. He pockets a little kid’s money for a hot dog, and when asked for change, squirts the kid with ketchup. Some other schmuck asks what’s the dealio, so Carlito spits his hot dog out at him. Ok, that was pointless. Next…


Stone Cold on Piper’s Pit promo. Meanwhile…

Michael Cole is in the ring to interview the Big Show about the Sumo match with Akebono. Cole runs the tale of the tape on both, and Show admits he’s never been in a sumo match before, but he’ll be ready. And Show is the only person on the planet that Akebono can’t push around. I’d hate to say that this has “train wreck” written all over it, but… Aw, what the hell, this has “train wreck” written all over it. Meanwhile…

Backstage, JBL and Orlando Jordan conspire. OJ points out that he beat Cena, so why can’t JBL? JBL reiterates that if Cena touches JBL if not in a match with him, Cena forfeits his title shot at WM. JBL has an idea, and tells OJ to come along; he needs a witness. Man, these things just write themselves sometimes…


RAW Rebound, featuring the Batista / Kane showdown from this past Monday. Meanwhile…

Dawn Marie parties with the fans. We pan the camera a bit, and here’s Michelle McCool. My Sledgehammer of Plot Sense is tingling, and sure enough, Dawn gets PMSy again. Catfightery ensues. Meanwhile…

It’s another WM XXI Rundown! Here’s the updated card:

World Championship
HHH vs Batista

Inter-Promotional Match
Randy Orton vs The Undertaker

Piper’s Pit with Stone Cold Steve Austin

WWE Women’s Championship
Trish Stratus vs Christy Hemme

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Chris Benoit vs Edge vs Kane vs Shelton Benjamin vs Chris Jericho vs Christian

Inter-Promotional Match
Shawn Michaels vs Kurt Angle

Sumo Match
Akebono vs The Big Show

Hall of Fame Ceremony Recap
(the ceremony will take place on the Saturday before WM)

WWE Championship
JBL vs John Cena


Backstage, JBL tries to rile up Cena. He brings Cena’s family into it, trying to provoke Stone Cold, er, Cena. Cena says he’ll wait five minutes for the match, but “thanks for the motivation, PARTNER.”

Six Man Tag Team Turmoil, next!


More Playboy Photo Shoot stuff with Christie Hemme.

Main Event: Six Man Tag Team Turmoil: John Bradshaw Layfield (c) and the Basham Brothers vs Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio (c) & John Cena. Cena’s got some new music, called “The Time is Now.” The bell rings, and Cena goes right after JBL, who boot scoot boogies out of the ring. So Cena and Danny start. Whip in by Cena into a HUGE hiplock, and then pounds on Danny’s head. Cena with Danny in the corner (eww) then whips him to the other side, into a bodyslam. Cena with a “tribute to Road Dogg” dance, drops a leg for two. Cena’s got Danny by the arm an drags him to the corner, trying to get JBL to tag, but grabs Doug’s hand and tries to tag him in. Cute. Cena drags Danny to the corner and rams his head to the buckle, tagging in Eddy. Eddy’s getting more of a reaction than Cena is. Surprise, surprise. Eddy with a couple of rights, and then a helio (someone want to give me the proper spelling for that?) from the outside in on Danny. Doug comes in and takes a BAAAAAAACK body drop. Eddy takes Danny by the hand, walks up the to the top rope, and does that neato head scissors takedown on Doug while judo flipping Danny over at the same time. Latino Heat is on FIRE as we head to some…


We’re back, and Doug and Eddy are going at it. Doug is pounding on Eddy in the corner, then whips him to the other side, but gets an eyeble up and stomps on Doug. Eddy tags in Rey, who jumps from the top with a double axe onto Doug’s back. Rey with a kick and some punches, and whips Doug in, but is reversed, and ducks Doug’s clothesline to hit the springboard body press for two. Doug rakes Rey’s face and tags in Danny. He stomps on Rey for a bit and tags in JBL, who finally gets in the ring. JBL pounds on Rey a bit, and sends him for the ride, but Rey ducks the clothesline and bounces back with a dropkick to the thigh, and another to the head. Tag to Cena, but JBL runs, and tags Danny on the way outside. So Cena brings in Danny the hard way, and nails Doug for fun. Cena pounds on Danny in the corner, then suplexes him out for two. Cena tags Rey back in, and while Rey distracts the ref, Eddy chokes out Danny with the tag rope. I never get tired of that. Neither does the crowd, who thanks him with an Eddy chant. Danny sends Rey for the ride, but Rey slides underneath and eats a boot from Danny. Danny goes for a powerbomb, but Rey pounds his way out, head scissoring Danny on the way down to the second rope. Rey hangs up Doug on the top rope for good measure, and hits the 619 on Danny! Going to drop the dime, but Doug recovers and drops Rey on the ringside barricade. JBL is tagged in as the ref tries to get Cena and Eddy back to their corner. Swinging neck breaker by JBL gets two on Rey. Another cover, why not? It gets two as well. Doug sneaks in while the ref is distracted and takes over on Rey. Doug tags in Danny and they hit Rey with the double flapjack, and do the double kip up. Oooooo, take THAT Rockers! Danny drops an elbow on Rey’s back, then applies a front facelock. Rey tries to fight out, but Danny pounds him down and tags in Doug, who gets a two count. A front facelock by Doug this time, but Rey is trying to make it to the corner. OJ comes around the corner to Eddy’s side, so Eddy chases him off, which leaves Cena to jump in a knock the Bashams around. FU for Danny! JBL comes back in and whips Cena in, but Cena reverses and hits a BAAAAAAAACK body drop on JBL. Cena shoulder blocks JBL out of the ring and follows him out. Cena goes to whip JBL, but JBL reverses and sends Cena into the STEEL stairs. Here comes Rey flying over the top rope onto JBL. In the ring, Eddy hits the triple verticals on Doug, and FAST. OJ hops up on the apron, and while Eddy is dealing with him, Rey drops the dime on Doug and gets the 1-2-3! Eddy looks less than pleased, as Rey celebrates. **1/2. SUPER hot ending brought this up quite a bit.

Outside, JBL has a chair, but missed Cena, so Cena grabs the chair and goes for JBL, but stops himself from killing his WM match. He teases it again a few times, but turns around and WAFFLES a Basham with the chair, and then works him over a bit with it. JBL is starting to come from behind, but Cena turns around and threatens with the chair again. He finally sets the chair up near JBL, takes a seat, and does the “you can’t see me” thing over JBL, and leaves. JBL has a disgusted look on his face as we go off the air.

The Angle/Jannetty match TOTALLY made this show. The main event wasn’t bad either, but I’m tiring of this constant shoving of Cena down our collective throats. But give me a great match like the opener and a decent main event every week, and I’ll be a happy camper. See ya next week!