In Memoriam: George Kennan, one of the most influential and best diplomats of the 20th Century.
I knew that f*cking Soma would do something bad to me. On Wednesday, I got the first symptoms of long-term overdose, left work, stayed out Thursday to flush out my system, and went on my merry way. So now I know that it’s for special occasions only. Cool by me. Unfortunately, the whole experience left me a little exhausted. Normally I try to wake up at about eight in the morning on Saturday (when working night shift) to start doing the Short Form. By a stroke of luck, when I woke up to take a piss during the middle of the night on Friday/Saturday, Impact was already available to download, so that was started up, and I could have had both shows in my sweaty little palms by that point. Unfortunately, I was trashed, as I said, and didn’t wake up until almost noon on Saturday. So that means that this sucker probably won’t be posted until Sunday. Shit.
Believe me, I really didn’t want to do this one. Someone uploaded every cartoon Tex Avery ever did for MGM, which leaves me pissloads of viewing options (and his MGM work is highly superior to that he did for Warners, so it’s good-quality material). But, instead, I watched three hours of wrestling, and I did it for you. You bastards have never been appreciative of this.
Well, there’s nothing else to do but get on with it, I suppose…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Kurt Angle over Marty Jannetty (Submission, AngleLock): Okay, first things first. Marty, again, looked great. WWE would be foolish not to pick him up and give him a decent push (Raw? IC level?). You could tell how much respect that Angle had for him and his abilities. Now for the negatives. This match really bore the stigma of last-minute altered booking. The SD bookers obviously saw what Jannetty could still do on Raw, then sat down for a rethink. But they only seemed to go part-way. This match was very, very slow compared to what both these guys can normally do. Were they afraid that Jannetty was going to blow up? I can’t understand the match pacing. I rarely get bored during Angle matches, because I love his style of mat wrestling, but I was in this case. No fault of either Angle or Jannetty; they’re just going out there and doing what they’ve been told. But a little picking up of the pace now and then would have worked wonders. Again, kudos to Jannetty, and let’s see him back damn soon.
Marty getting a bit of celebration in the moment before the massacre
One must have a sense of humor about these sort of things
How gracious of Kurt to allow Marty a near-fall
The way to beat Kurt Angle: keep him out of the ring
Angle applies Trip’s trademark knee-based offense
Ah, a German suplex…that’s more like the Kurt we know
Booker T over Luther Reigns (Pinfall, scissors kick): Very Booker-by-numbers match, and it’s quite surprising to see Reigns being fed to Booker in order to further boost his “tough” credentials. And this may be one of the weirdest ways to turn a guy face (namely Heidenreich) that I’ve ever seen. Maybe they can feed Reigns to him now.
Paisley’s still looking really good
Booker whips out the knife-edge chops
And Luther gets some back
Paul London over Billy Kidman (Pinfall, 450 Splash): Definitely not up to the standards that we expect out of these two when they enter the ring. This pairing is as close to an X Division match as the WWE gets, yet the pace was plodding and the match booking spastic. A disservice to both.
London goes flippy
Kidman shows he’s back from his injury with a trademark dropkick
Oh, come on, this is a cruiserweight match; f*ck the chokeholds
Rey-Rey y Eddy and, yo, John Cena over High-Quality Speaker Boy, Doug Basham, and Danny Basham (Pinfall, Rey-Rey pins Doug Basham, West Coast Pop): Definitely the fastest-paced match of the night, but it was an angle advancement match due to the issue of Cena not being able to touch High-Quality Speaker Boy except during a sanctioned match. I hate angle advancement matches so much, but with Eddy and Rey-Rey being involved, my anger is mollified somewhat.
High-Quality Speaker Boy makes remarks about Cena’s mother, and Danny Basham pays the price. Is that fair?
Remember the whole High-Quality Speaker Boy/Eddy’s Mother angle? Danny Basham is apparently paying the price for that too.
Apparently since Rey-Rey is going after Doug Basham, no mother remarks were made
We love it when Eddy lies, cheats, and steals. Especially while using a tag rope.
Contractual Obligations: One bitch-slap and a bit of pyro? That’s probably the most low-key contract signing WWE has ever done. Great job by Orton, though, putting up pissloads of bravado but able to show his complete and utter terror throughout the proceedings, especially in his eyes. Good work by him and the cameramen to capture this.
A battle of wits with two unarmed men
Not a sight you normally see on Thursdays
This, however, is
Chavo Guerrero, Master of Hypnosis
This week’s catfight continuation: Dawn Marie versus Michelle McCool, Part 2
And look who’s right in the middle of it: Lil’ Naitch. Surprise.
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Christopher Daniels over Jerrelle Clark (Pinfall, Angel’s Wings, Time of Match: 2:35): A showcase for the new X Division champion, nothing more. Although they let Clark get some offense in, so there may be a push in store for him similar to that of Mikey Batts. Good sign. The guy’s got a great finisher, and that’s what matters in the X Division.
Christoper Daniels sells a little for Jerrelle Clark. How sweet.
Daniels whips out the seated moonsault
And the Angel’s Wings ends this puppy
Kid Kash over Mikey Batts (Pinfall, Moneymaker, Time of Match: 3:54): And speaking of Mikey Batts…giving a guy nearly four minutes on Impact against an upper-mid-carder like Kid Kash IS a push in TNA. So my statement of above stands.
Kid Kash mistreating Mikey Batts
Now Batts gets to return the favor
Now it’s Lance Hoyt’s turn to make Batts into his bitch
Dustin Rhodes, James Storm, and Chris Harris over Chris Candido, Chase Stevens, and Andy Douglas (Pinfall, Storm pins Douglas, Death Sentence, Time of Match: 3:23): A demonstration of nepotism in action: Rhodes and Candido got over half the match time to go one-on-one, thus cheating the audience of a good performance by AMW. And you think the tag situation over in WWE is pathetic? How about TNA’s treatment of AMW? Is there some inside info that we’re not privy to that they want to make the jump, and so they’re getting depushed a little? I’d like to know.
Skip and Goldust get it on
A classic AMW double-team
Shocker over David Young (Pinfall, Shockwave, Time of Match: 2:02): Well, there’s a tried and true way to get someone over in TNA during their debut set of matches: have David Young fed to them. Shocker doesn’t really need that, though. He’s a good substitute for Hector Garza until the heat of the steroid bust cools down.
The real shocker is selling for David Young
You’ll believe a Mexican can fly
Diamond Dallas Page and Sean Waltman over Buck Quartermain and Lex Lovett (Pinfall, Page pins Quartermain, Diamond Cutter, Time of Match: 8:47): Let me try to add this up…Buck Quartermain and Lex Lovett in a main event match. Sean Waltman in a wrestling ring. The match lasting nearly nine minutes. Kevin Nash obviously drunk on commentary…what the hell did the booking committee get high on? And for a change, whatever it is, I don’t want it.
Page getting ready to hand off Buck Quartermain to Waltman. Oh, joy.
Surprised that Waltman’s still able to do an arm-drag?
How To Explain An Inexplicable Heel Turn: Monty Brown single-handedly justified his heel turn at Destination X with a superb promo. I have no f*cking clue why Jarrett was out there other than to get his precious face time. Brown was brilliant. I can’t compliment his mic skills enough. He’s become one of the top five promo guys in the business right now, and he’s still improving. Let’s hope he keeps doing so.
Let’s cut a promo!
And let’s cut out. I’ll see you guys on Tuesday.