Just a few weeks away from the big event of the year, and a few short days after one of the biggest pieces of news we’ve gotten in quite awhile – this is the Monday Night Report that is taking control of your Tuesday Morning.
It is the
Yep, that’s us.. we hate flying.
The Rabble is still arriving, but we already joined up with Hernandez and Jen. I’ll let you know when other people join in. So we’ve got a new feature appearing tonight through the Rabble. This is another chance for you, the outside public, to interact with the Rabble through the Inside Pulse Forum Boards. Each week i’m going to pose a thought provoking question at the end of the Rabble. The top 5 – 10 answers will be posted. Today’s question was:
(I warn you, the answers are long, if you aren’t interested.. skim down a bit)
(note: Due to the extreme response, I edited the longer ones down a bit, for the full speeches that are all awesome. Go check out the forum boards)
The day after Wrestlemania. Batista has won the match. What can he say to solidify himself as a champion?
Hunter, you are probably still wondering why really I turned on you. It is simple. You grew that stupid ass facial hair. Evolution is progression, that mess you grew was regression, you had to be put in your place.
…So you keep breaking your back trying to heft Big Steph up onto your steriod-shrunken man-meat, while I keep this belt around my waist, covering the ten-inches of pure power contained underneath. HHH, you might be “The Game”, but the “Game” you are is the Atari 2600, while I’m the Playstation 3. So go get yourself pirated, while I go back to the hotel, where several million women are waiting for me to jackhammer them like Goldberg in a room full of Jerry Flynn’s.
… Your legacy is safe with me. I will bring prestige to this belt. I will be a fighting champion. I will defend this title against anyone, anywhere, anytime. And I will win, and I will win without resorting to the desperate tactics of a desperate man. In short, I will be all the things that you never were.
Now, I know you’re not here tonight. You’re at home, in Greenwich, staring in the mirror, and asking yourself, “Why am I not the champion? Why was I defeated on the grandest stage of all? Why did I lose to a man that I trained? That I fought for? That I raised?” You stare deep into your own beady little eyes and ask yourself, “Why?” Why? Why? Because…
IT’S EVOLUTION, BABY!
Hunter, when you started Evolution, you talked about past, present, and future. In case you forgot about it, let me remind you. You talked about being the greatest champion alive today. And by your side, there was Ric Flair. The greatest champion of the recent past. The top of the mountain. But there was more. You talked about me. The diamond in the rough, you said. Handpicked by you to be the future of this business. You know what, Hunter? You were absolutely correct. I am the future of this business. ….
(best line of the set: I want to congratulate Randy on joining a very exclusive club that only 12 other wrestlers are members of. Way to go sport.)
…You tried to ambush me, run me over and manipulate me into believing that JBL caused the whole thing. That kind of manipulation may work with someone like Randy Orton, X-Pac or maybe even the legendary man himself, Ric Flair.
But not me, not Batista, NOT the heavy weight champion of the world. I’m in my prime and I plan of being the figurehead of the company for a long, long time.
And as for you hunter, you’d best stay home and lick your wounds. Stay home and watch me bask in the light from the torch I TOOK from you! After last night Hunter, it looks to me that the GAME is broken!
Hey, Hunter…No hard feelings? After all, Evolution is just being a step ahead of The Game, right?
Paul, can I call you Paul? I really had fun whipping your ass last night. I took your pride, I took your belt, I took your blood. But after the match last night I took the only thing more important to you than any of that… I took Flair.
At least I know how to drink a bottle of water…
Okay, thanks everyone who participated! The new question is at the end of the column.
Let’s get to the show….
To start the show… HEART BREAK ROCKER! Here comes Shawn and the big rumor of the day is that Marty has been signed up. Shawn is facing off against Rob Conway, and Hernandez is already predicting a Marty run-in. We’re hoping at leasat.
SHAWN MICHAELS vs. ROBER’ CONWAY
Shawn goes crazy in the opener match
Rob starts with punches and kicks to Shawn. He picks up Shawn, tosses him to the ropes, ducks a clothesline and slides out to pull out Rob. Shawn now drops Rob, drops Sylvan, and runs in – hits the ropes and plancha off the top rope… Shawn struts a bit and the crowd is totally into it.
Shawn brings in Rob and they fight in the corner now, throwing chops. Rob finally tosses Shawn hard into the corner, HBK tree of woe’s but then flies out of the ring. Grenier hits Shawn with the flagpole on the outside and Jesus-Boy is in trouble on the outside..
Phone In from Eric – he won’t be showing until much later due to familial problems. We wish him Godspeed and Godbless. Laura just showed up though!
back in the ring, Rob’s got Shawn in an inverted neckbreaker that just as we come back Shawn has fought his way out of. Rob tosses him out and skins the cat off the top rope. In he goes and now they are throwing punches.. back to the mat they go and Shawn hits the kick up and the crowd goes wild. Sylvan hits the top rope and Shawn hits Sylvan. Shawn nicely, godly, snots on the Le Resistance flag and climbs the turnbuckle.
“He calls it the leap of faith now…” – Hernandez (not kidding)
“THBthBHTBHTHBTHB” Me, giving a razberry to that.
J E S U S K I C K – And that’s that – the crowd Totally .. totally totally into that.
WINNER: Shawn Michaels
We go to a video package about Kurt Angle. His accolades. His title wins. A great package, showing everyone scream before the tap out. HOGAN – BROCK – BOOKAH – ROCK – AUSTIN… wow, you know he’s made lots of people tap out. Followed up by the shots of a bloody HBK.
Backstage christy in little to nothing (pink!) – Lita – Regal – Tajiri are heading towards the ring. Christy has got a match…. NEXT!
Favorite Kurt moment?
“His loss to Lesner at Wrestlemania. The man was on the verge of crippling himself, and went on to lose.” – Hernandez
“Eddie slipping out of the boot to stop the ankle lock” – Jenna
“Two words: Milk truck.” – Me
“Oh, and his three way with Rock and Hunter where he was knocked silly.” – Jenna
“That WAS a great one!” – Hernandez
“Let’s not forget Edge & Christian singing his song on kazoos” – Me
Who is inducting the Hulk? The Rock? NO! ROCKY FRICKING BALBOA!?
“..i will break you…” – Me
Awww.. here comes Christy. Skimpiest wrestling outfit… ever! She is mixed tagging with the tag team champs, Regal and Tajiri.
They are facing Maven, Simon Dean, and Molly?!?!?!
“Maven’s still got the McDonald’s logo on his package” – Dani who has just shown up.
Oh, and we have a special guest at ringside.. Trish, looking tasty and evil… and sexy.
REGAL, TAJIRI, CHRISTIE vs. SIMON DEAN, McMAVEN, MOLLY HOLLY
Skimpy pink match!
Starting in the ring is Regal and Simon Dean. Headlock from Dean to Regal, they roll around a bit and Regal tags Tajiri. Regal drop toeholds Dean, and Tajiri baseball slides his face. Tajiri hits the ropes, Maven trips him up and then Dean drops an elbow.
Dean tags in Maven who starts to stomp on Tajiri. A chinlock and punches to the head while Maven taunts Regal and Christie. A tag to Dean, double hiptoss, followed by double push-ups. Amusing little spot.. Dean goes for the pin and 2.
Dean holds him, Dean sees that Tajiri’s getting closer. So he hits Regal. Tajiri takes this moment to go for the spinning heel kick and he fumbles to tag…… CHRISTIE! (Which means Molly’s conveniently getting tagged on the other side)
THE GOILS ARE IN! Trish distracts Christie and Molly hits her from behind. Molly picks up Christy, goes for an arm bar, reversed by Christy and a kick to Molly’s nuts. Followed by kicks to the back of Molly’s knees. Molly leaps on Christie, but my girl sunset flips for a 2 count stopped by Dean. Molly gets up and bodyslams Christie.. hard. Molly gets up for the Molly-go-round, but MISSES!
Christie sets up the Twist of Fate and hits it..
“She hits it better than Lita.” – Hernandez
“Funny that Lita hit’s it better than most.” – Me
“You think it bothers Matt that Lita is Christie’s mentor with HIS move?” – Hernandez
WINNER: Me.. I mean.. CHRISTIE w/ REGAL & TAJIRI
“Not enough clothing was removed during that match” – Roommate Jeremy showing up.
“You wanted Regal to take off his shirt?” – Me
“No, he had no shirt.. Dean didn’t take off his shirt.. that’s what I wanted.” – Jeremy
A Stone Cold Moment: 1998 – Dr. Austin beating the hell out of Vinnie.
“Where’s the bedpan.. where’s the bedpan!??!” – Hernandez
“THERE IT IS!” – Me
Oh god that makes me hot… only for the fact that they are playing Piper’s music.. it has absolutely nothing to do with Austin.
Coming down to the ring right now, our World Champion. The man with an inability to hold down a bottle of water.
“Do you think Lemmy thinks that’s him when he watches TV?” – Me
“He’s trying to figure out how he is going to be in a match AND do a show.” – Hernandez
“Okay, so his idols are Ric Flair and Lemmy… what happens when you put the beard on Flair..” – Hernandez
“You get… Hulk Hogan?” – Me
Trips goes and gets himself a chair, sets it up in the center of the ring, grabs the mic – and sits down. Trips is apparently under appreciated. He makes sacrifices for us.
“Hell I married Stephanie” – Hernandez
“And had sex with Chyna.” – Me
It apparently took a lot of work to make Orton and Batista stars. Apparently Evolution was unstoppable.
“Especially if Flair has the donkey” – Dani
The only thing that could stop Evolution is… well, Evolution. Orton was the youngest World Champion, and now 8 months later Orton is groveling to get a match at Wrestlemania… Why?
“Cuz I did the same thing a few years back” – Hernandez
When Randy Orton was in Evolution he was everything. He was a star. He was…
“Robert Paulson. In Evolution you have no name.” – Hernandez
“The first rule of Evolution club – you don’t talk about Hunter doing Chyna” – Me
Plain and simple Dave, you aren’t good enough.. supposedly. (The lights are going down.. umm.. weird) It’s like a frigging monologue. Dave has never even WRESTLED at a Wrestlemania (really?). How does HE deserve to face the 10 time World Champ. So Dave did his best to get Hunter last week. He chose Benoit, and Hunter beat him. This week Dave faces Kane – but guess what, there is a stip! A lumberjack match.
Once again, I am marking more than Helen Keller in a fabric store.
The Lumberjacks will be handpicked by Trips…
Hunter was a brother to Dave. Dave…
“Broke the circle of trust” – Me
“He broke the Fellowship” – Hernandez
Coming next, match of the night… Chris & Shelton vs. Christian & Edge
“Do you realize that the interview segment had more commentary than the entire two matches before it?” – Me
“Oh don’t worry, I’ll have lots of commentary for Jericho” – Hernandez
“I’ll slit your throat.” – Me
HEEEEEEEeeerrreeee’s comin Y2J!
“What’s with Jericho’s Unibomber look?” – Dani
“What do you mean?” – Me
“He’s all scruffy looking.. all Scruffdog McQueen” – Dani
“Mongoose.” – Hernandez
“Whatever” – Dani
Shelton comes on down. The tag team of great music!
EDGE & CHRISTIAN!!!
JERICHO & BENJAMIN vs. EDGE & CHRISTIAN
“This is your life, and it’s ending one match at a time” – Hernandez
“What’s with the Fight Club references?!” – Me
“In Evolution – you have no name.” – Hernandez
Starting is Chris and Christian. Y2J starts with a hammerlock to a headlock. Tosses to the ropes. Jericho ducks a clothesline and hits with a shoulderblock and a quick second one. Pin for 2. Jericho gets tossed to the ropes and hit in the back by Edge. Christian goes for Jericho, but he ducks and Christian hits Edge. Jericho tosses out Christian and they all regroup.
Baseball slide hits all three, and Benjamin springs over the top rope and does a 360 right onto the lot of them.. for the record HE NEVER TOUCHED THE ROPES!
“Black men can jump!” – Jenna
Back in the ring, Jericho tags in Benjamin officially, and Edge chokes the hell out of him, and now the ring is seperate with Christian and Edge making quick tags. Christian gets a beautiful neckbreaker into a rough chinlock. Christian taunts Y2J to put the ref in DISTRACTION MODE as they cheat alot. After lots of this, Christian and Shelton start exchanging punches until finally Shelton gets a quick neck/knee/backbreaker thingy… Finally he gets the hot tag to Jericho.
Hit to Christian – Hit to Edge – Double Bulldog to both – Lionsault to Christian – Walls to Edge!
Tomko hits the top rope, 2nd rope dropkick to Tomko. Christian catches Jericho in a reverse DDT and we hit a commercial.
back in and Jericho and Christian are fighting to meet the corner. Tag comes in together and Shelton comes in and starts beating the hell out of Edge. Back bodydrop and one goes to Christian. Powerslam to Edge gets a close 2!
“..and that’s why I love him.” – Laura
Finally E&C toss Benjamin into the corner. Edge sets himself up on all fours. Instead of Christian leaping off him though. In comes Jericho… E&C grab him for a double suplex, Jericho REVERSES IT?!?!?! Double Neckdrop!
Jericho leaps off the top rope to hit Tomko who catches a boot to the gut. Inside the ring Shelton splashes Edge. He goes for it again, but Edge moves and Shelton catches himself. He turns around and takes a STIFF Spear from Edge to win it.
WINNER: EDGE & CHRISTIAN
HERE COMES BENOIT TO CLEAR HOUSE! One big german to Edge! One big german to Christian. A ladder to Benoit from Tomko!
Easily… match of the night. Holy crap they were all on fire.
In the back, the Lumberjacks have joined up.. and Flair is going to pep talk em’. Apparently Batista has screwed all of the guys in the backstage.
“He did NOT in fact screw Lita.” – Hernandez
Flair speeds through telling them how good they all are. The man who helps them out tonight, Evolution very well might ask to join them up. Flair tells them how great Evolution is… it’s about buying expensive things… expensive women… he gets everyone woo’ing… sadly, including Viscera.
Also backstage is.. DAVE! With a new shirt! It’s Bischoff guaranteeing that he had nothing to do with the match. He wants to know that Batista is officially a marked man, but if he wins the belt – he will happily accept Batista as HIS World Champion. Dave spins that around into a witty bit. Great mic work by Dave. I’m not sold he has a real ‘character’ yet.. but he has the ability to pull a punchline.
Also backstage is Stacy and Orton. Stacy won’t admit that she doesn’t think that Orton can beat Undertaker… she is totally smarter than him. Anyway, he’s got a message … NEXT!
==YOUR ‘WAS IT BEN MORSE’ HINT!===
THE CONQUISTADOR LIVES IN NEW YORK!
And now, here comes ‘Push Killer’ Randy Orton.
“It’s sad he has to come out with Stacy to get cheers” – Dani
So what’s Orton gotta say? He apparently slapped the Undertaker not out of disrespect. It was
“..because I heard he had a glass eye” – Hernandez
“..because he’s a bitch.” – Me
So he bought Undertaker a present. A new Randy Orton shirt! A Legend Killer Tour shirt – with the list of Orton’s victims.. including… the Undertaker. Now, a Randy Orton video package. Him killing legends.
Hernandez and I seem to both agree that the video package guys have been EXTRA busy this week.
So now he’s got something to tell Stacy…
“Engagement?” – Hernandez
“RKO” – Me
“THAT WOULD RULE!?!!!” – Dani
..instead.. err, we get to first base on live TV. Randy now has a message for the Undertaker.. he has a message… .. HE HAS A MESSAGE!!!
“..in a bottle.” – Hernandez
THERES THE RKO TO STACY!!!!!!! Hernandez seems to believe that the concussions have finally gotten to him. He’s apparently walking in Austin’s steps. He’s got the look of desperation. Stacy takes that RKO like a trooper!
(Does anyone else think that Invasion Iowa looks like a really fun show?)
Our Hogan Moment tonight – Hogan beating Savage at WMV
In the ring right now… Tyson Tomko?? Why?!
Oh! That’s why… CHRIS BENOIT! Coming down all taped up.
TYSON TOMKO vs. CHRIS BENOIT
“What’s Tomko doing in a match with Benoit?” – Hernandez
“Losing.” – Me
Tyson hits Benoit before he comes in, but it doesn’t take long for him to come in, and triple German him. He goes for the headbutt and misses, but shhhh… Tyson sold it. There is some blah offense from Tomko… Crossface and win.
WINNER: Chris Benoit
Backstage Shawn is in a suit for no apparent reason. Hassan is there too… with Akbar. Apparently HBK knows nothing of Hassan’s discrimination and strife that he deals with.
“Of course he does – he’s Christian.” – Dani
Shawn is challenging Hassan next week to see if he deserves to be at Wrestlemania.. wait for it..
IT’S A TRAP!
(New Wrestlemania Commercial – Taxi Driver with all of the stars… frigging genius.)
((Rumor from Hernandez – At Wrestlemania, Gladiator commercial with Austin))
(((I hate him)))
Here comes Trips and his Lumberjacks… not so much handpicked as decided upon by being bad guys:
Triple H will be hanging at the commentary booth.
Next week Trips and Batista are scheduled for a “FACE OFF” next week. Trips doesn’t even know what that means.
Also next week – Shawn faces off against Hassan.
Now though, here comes KANE!
KANE vs. BATISTA
Jamie marks like a retard Anything Goes Lumberjack Match
So the match is staryting with .. like 5 minutes er so left.
Lock-up, and Kane pushes Dave to the corner. Then breaks it. Another lock-up and Dave pushes Kane to the corner. Then breaks it. Kane comes in though to fight fist to fist. Dave tosses him to the corner and then a slow powerslam. Batista slides out of the ring and goes after Akbar!
Kane chases after him though and Dave tosses him back in, but gets a hit to the head from Masters. Kane drags him up and hits the ropes and a big boot to Dave. A pinfall for two. Kane goes for another shoulderblock, but a big clothesline drops Kane. Dave gets tossed to the ropes and backelbows Kane, but La Resistance grabs his legs – but Dave kicks them back. Kane though DDT’s Dave, and now chokes him against the ropes.
Kane continues to toss Dave to the ropes, and Dave starts to fight out of it, Kane just slams him down again. Kane even dropkicks his head! In the corner, Dave starts to fight out, big rights and then tosses Kane into the corner, but a sideslam stops Dave AGAIN!
Kane goes outside, and Snitsky goes to stop Kane, but a abig boot to Snitsky outside stops him. Kane climbs to the top, but Dave had that moment to recoop and gets slammed by Batista. Dave gets a few punches, then finally a big vertical suplex and a BIG clothesline with a pin for two.
As Dave hits the ropes, Kane catches him in the throat, but Dave fights out of it and goes for the DaveBomb, but Kane fights out of it. Big fists go and drop both of them.. Kane slips outside and Snitsky goes after him! Followed by Viscera! On the other end Dave’s being beaten down outside the ring.. Dave starts crumpling people, throwing them.. clotheslining Masters.
Inside the ring, Edge, Christian, and Tomko go after Kane. (Well played boys) Kane gets saved by Batista of all people, but as he finishes tossing out the boys, Kane grabs his throat, hits the chokeslam but only gets the 2!!!! Kane goes for the tombstone, but Dave fights out of it – Spinebuster! Demon Bomb! DAVE DAVE DAVE!!!!
The gratuitous arguing between Batista & Hunter – and we’re out.
“Not amazed by the main event, the show stealer was Benjamin/Jericho & E&C” – Hernandez
“Christie looked good” – Roommate Jeremy
“Dinner would have been better, but Jamie didn’t mix the stuffing.. oh and I hate Austin. I also love Dave.” – Dani
“I agree with all of these things.. except the dinner thing.”
“**snooorrrrr**” – Jen
Okay, well that’s the show for this week. Here is your question for next week’s FORUM NIGHT RABBLE:
(In twenty words or less)
What would you mark out for during the Piper’s Pit segment of Wrestlemania?
So go on over to the forums and tell us what you think.
Until then, we’ll see you NEXT week from the Monday Night Rabble.