I’ve gone on a mad recap spree this weekend, and I’ve got lots of stuff in the can for a change. I figured this was the most recent and relevant of everything I had completed though, so here you go!
I’m SO sick of “The End Is Here” theme music they’ve been using for the past 5 years on this event. However, it’s typical of the WWE to find something that was cool the first time and run it into the ground… Opening package highlights our Fatal Fourway main event. Fatal Fourway in this company is code for: The Belt Ain’t Changing.
We’re LIVE from Atlanta, Georgia! I think this is the first PPV here in nearly 3 years if I’m not mistaken. MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ man the US table, but the real excitement is coming from HUGO SAVINOVICH and CARLOS CABRERA, who are so excited they’re vibrating viciously.
ROB VAN DAM and REY MYSTERIO JR. vs. RENE DUPREE (with Fifi) and KENZO SUZUKI (with Hiroku) (for the WWE tag-team titles)
In the infinite wisdom of the bookers, they decided to change the titles THREE DAYS before the pay-per-view, giving the babyfaces the big win. So you’re paying for The Rematch. No, really. RVD chant breaks out while Kenzo catches him in a headscissors with a bridge. RVD hits a spinning heel kick, and tags in Rey. The 420 (LAAAAME name, made worse by Cole trying to cover it up with some retarded explanation) gets 2. Rey bounces off the ropes, hitting a springboard crossbody for 2. Kenzo comes back by whipping Rey face first into the buckle, and tagging in Dupree. LOUD “USA” chant. A big boot knocks Rey out. Rey wakes up though, hits a rana, and goes for 619. However, Kenzo cuts him off and they fight on the apron. Rey tries a sunset flip powerbomb, but Kenzo blocks with the ropes. RVD dropkicks Kenzo in the face, and Rey hits the powerbomb! Dupree gets involved, and gets hit with RVD’s spinning leg drop over the security wall. Rey rolls Dupree in for 2. RVD hits a monkey flip, Rey dropkicks him in the face, and Van Dam gets 2! Dupree knocks Rey off the apron and dropkicks RVD in the face He goes for a tag, but Kenzo’s playing dead on the floor thanks to the powerbomb. Rey flies in out of nowhere, dropkicks Dupree, and RVD gets 2. Kenzo trips up RVD, Dupree clotheslines him, and he gets 2. Kenzo tags in. He hits a clothesline, and puts on the INTENSE WARRIOR CHINLOCK! RVD escapes and tags in Rey. Mysterio dropkicks Kenzo in the knees, and gives Dupree a 10-punch count-a-long. The heels come right back with a 3-D over the top rope, and then Kenzo pancakes him. TORRIE WILSON runs down and chases off Hiroku. I don’t watch Smackdown!, and I don’t think I really want to know the reasoning behind that. Kenzo drops a knee for 2. Rey tries for a tag, but can’t make the ropes. Dupree comes in to drop an elbow. A snapmare sets up a dropkick, and Dupree gets 2. Rey kicks him in the head, but Dupree hits an atomic drop right before he tags out – and Rey remains trapped. Kenzo chops at Rey, and chokes him out in the corner. Kenzo hits a backdrop suplex for 2. Dupree in with a kneedrop, and knocks RVD off the apron to prevent a tag. Rob isn’t thrilled, but getting in the referee’s face allows a double team beatdown on Rey. Kenzo chokes him out in the ropes, and follows with a kneedrop to the head. A shoulderblock gets 2. Rey crawls to make a tag, but Kenzo again cuts off the ring, slamming him in the heel corner. Dupree in, and he does the French Tickler while the camera sees Kenzo DOING THE SAME THING! Too funny. Rey kicks Dupree away and hits a rana that sends Dupree into the post! RVD finally tags in, and he kicks away at Dupree. A dropkick takes him down. A scoop slam leads to the split legged moonsault for 2! Rey helps out with a double Rolling Thunder for 2. Kenzo gets involved, but Rey works him in the corner. A backdrop sends Mysterio to the floor, and RVD’s caught 2-on-1. Kenzo eats a dropkick, and RVD hits some inverted DDT thing for 2. RVD tries a sunset flip, but Dupree blocks. However, Rey dropkicks Dupree into the ropes, and RVD adds Kenzo for a double 619! Kenzo is dumped, RVD hits the Five Star on Dupree and the champs retain at 17:11. **1/2
It’s all downhill from here.
KURT ANGLE arrives flanked with a pair of SECURITY GUARDS. He promises to treat us to a very special Kurt Angle invitational match tonight, with the gold medal on the line. His opponent is one who takes his craft very seriously, just as he does…
KURT ANGLE vs. SANTA CLAUS
Santa delivers candy to the fans on his way down to the ring, and a small “SANTA” chant breaks out. Kurt suggests that Santa might be in a hurry to return home, since it IS the busy time of the year, with Tazz and the rest of his elves. He then turns his disdain to Santa, stating he works every day of the year – but when he comes home to his daughter, all she wants to talk about is Santa. And with that, he hits Santa with an Olympic slam, and applies the ankle lock for the win at 0:28.
AL SNOW joins the commentary table for our next match.
However, before we go anywhere, TEDDY LONG heads down to ringside. He asks us to HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA, and tells us it’s his job to bring us must see events. If that’s indeed the case, he should have been fired a LONG time ago. He quickly goes over the rules of the boxing match, and welcomes GEORGE CHIP, the referee.
MIKE MIZANIN vs. DANIEL PUDER (in a Dixie dogfight)
Hey, here’s a helpful graphic!
– Three 1:00 minute rounds
– No standing eight counts
– No three knockdown rule
– Boxers cannot be saved by the bell in any round
– Mandatory eight count for knockdown
Puder comes out swinging and hits a strong punch to start, but Mizanin’s got some fight in him and throws a flurry. Puder comes back with some HARD solid shots, but slips and they consider calling it a knockdown. Miz attacks again, and the bell expires for the first round. The announcers, kindly, give it to Mizanin.
The second round starts with a much more experienced Puder just hammering down on Miz. Miz gets too aggressive and exposes his back when he goes to fast, and Puder continues to beat away. Miz starts staggering while Puder tees off, and the round ends. The fans are booing now. The announcers can’t help but hand this round to Puder.
Final round, and Puder’s still in control. Miz throws wild punches, still, because it’s all he knows. Puder gets in some shots, and Miz is just blocking now trying to wear down the clock since he knows he can’t win. Luckily, he survives as time expires.
Teddy Long lets the fans know the decision is going to be left up to them – but they’re no help since they cheer wildly for both guys. Long hands it over to Puder anyway. Miz gives the camera a dejected look, but he gives Puder a hug anyway.
BOOKER T and EDDIE GUERRERO discuss JBL in the locker room. The audio is terrible here, and I can barely hear a damn thing. I do get that Eddie suggests pinning Booker T to win the belt, and THAT is the funniest damn thing Booker’s ever heard. Eddie says they’ve got a bigger problem than JBL, and remembers The Undertaker. Booker doesn’t really care, and promises to take both guys down. Eddie loves it, and suggests Booker go after Taker, and Eddie take JBL. THE UNDERTAKER walks in behind them. Booker stares him down, while Eddie won’t look at him. Taker wanders by…
THE BASHAM BROTHERS vs. CHARLIE HAAS and HARDCORE HOLLY
This is a “bonus match” according to Cole, which is wrestling bullshit for “we had 10 weeks between brand specific pay-per-view events, and we still couldn’t build anything”. Haas attacks both Bashams before the bell, and the announcers speculate it’s because of the fact he has to referee his girlfriend’s match later. Holly and Doug start, and Holly chops at him. A rollup gets 2. Danny comes in and eats a suplex for 2. Haas enters, and gives him a big boot. A fireman’s carry takeover gets 2. Haas hits a pair of armdrags on Doug, and applies an armbar. Doug escapes and kicks Haas in the back. Danny trips Haas up as he heads to the second rope, and Doug drops his knee three times. Danny tags in and drops elbows with Doug, and gets 2. The fans thankfully start a “BORING” chant. Doug back in, and applies a headlock. Doug hits a clothesline, and we get this exchange… Cole: “Great physicality from the Bashams!” Tazz: “Geez, it’s just a clothesline Cole. How many cups of coffee did you drink before the show?” Haas comes back with an exploder suplex, and tags out to Holly. Holly clotheslines both Bashams, and starts throwing dropkicks. He hits a clothesline off the top onto Doug, and dumps Danny. A powerslam gets 2. DAWN MARIE comes running down when Haas is knocked off the apron, which prompts JACKIE GAYDA to get involed. The distraction is enough for a Basham switch, and Bob is pinned at 6:51. *1/2 Considering I hate 75% of the wrestlers in this match, it felt like an hour. Bob screams at Haas about the girls and tells him to pay attention to the ring.
JOHN CENA vs. JESUS (with Carlito “Carribean” Cool) (for the WWE United States heavyweight title in a no disqualification match)
This is Cena’s big blowoff after Jesus had him stabbed in a nightclub or something. Of course, if you’re like me, you’re asking yourself “who the f*ck is Jesus?” Cena pounds away to start. Jesus comes back with a rake of the eyes, and he nails Cena in the injured kidney with a kendo stick. That just serves to infuriate Cena who hammers Jesus over the head with the stick, and then in the back a couple of times. With Jesus out of the way, he chases after Carlito – so Cool goes running up the ramp to safety. Cena wants him to come back, and rips off his shirt to show how serious he is. Jesus eats a number of bare knuckle shots, and a big boot to the face. He’s busted open in the mess, and they head into the crowd. Cena chokes him out with some TV cables, and grabs a swig of beer from a fan. They head up the stairs towards the top of the arena, and Cena threatens to toss him. Carlito attacks now though – so Cena turns back to him. All 3 head down the stairs to safety. Cena dumps a garbage can over Jesus’ head, complete with garbage! Carlito tries to get in some cheap shots, but Cena takes care of him, and he headbutts Jesus. Back to the ring, Cena grabs a trash can lid and a road sign. He uses both just once, over the head. Pump up the shoes, you can’t see me, F-U, and Cena wins a FAIRLY decisive squash at 7:54. 3/4* I was perversely entertained by that match, because every once in awhile you need your babyfaces to go out and just kick some serious ass. Carlito tries to steal Cena’s chain after the match, but that backfires when Cena punches him in the face with it, and spits on him.
Backstage, JACKIE GAYDA promises to finish off Dawn Marie later tonight. CHARLIE HAAS is annoyed at the whole bloody thing, so Jackie opts to win him over by offering to f*ck him later, and shoves her tongue down his throat.
DAWN MARIE vs. JACKIE GAYDA
CHARLIE HAAS is the special guest referee here. The girls trade bitch slaps, and hair pulls. Dawn poorly tries to dump Jackie, but she stays in. They throw shitty ass punches, and Dawn “powers” Jackie back towards the buckle. Jackie comes back with a takedown, and they do the “roll around over the referee” spot. Dawn goes to make out with Haas, gets rolled up, but Dawn then rolls through with a handful of tights for the pin at 1:43. -* Jackie bursts into tears. Haas admits he’s having an affair, breaks off his engagement to Jackie, and says he’s not in love with her. “And when it comes to making love, you’re like a dead wet fish. Dawn Marie on the other hand is as hot as Atlanta, Georgia on the fourth of July. So Dawn, there’s only one question I have to ask you….” He whips out the engagement ring. “Dawn, why are you such a SLUT? I wouldn’t marry either one of you! So why don’t you two kiss and make up, because I’m out of here!” And Haas gets a mad pop on his way out, complete with “CHARLIE” chant.
BIG SHOW lumbers towards the ring, and JOY GIOVANNI stops to make out with him. I wonder what Bess thinks about all this.
KURT ANGLE, LUTHER REIGNS, and MARK JINDRAK vs. THE BIG SHOW (in a handicap match)
None of Team Angle wants to start, but Kurt bullies Jindrak into the ring. He gets in and does the Val Venis hip swivel for some reason. Ugh. He then channels the spirit of Scott Steiner by flexing his bicep. Big Show thankfully kicks his ass. To the corner, Show chops away, and throws Jindrak all the way across the ring. Jindrak wants to tag out, but Kurt tells him to keep working. So Jindrak slaps Kurt, and that’s a tag. Show tosses Kurt all around, and Angle’s out of here about 30 seconds after he got in. Luther’s now the man, and he fares no better. After getting the shit beat out of him, Show drags in Jindrak, and gives them a double noggin’ knocker! However, the two guys are enough to do some damage, hitting a double shoulderblock, and Luther gets 2. Angle’s MORE than happy to come in now, and he stomps all over the big guy. Jindrak heads in and kicks at Show’s knee, before giving him a dropkick to the face. Luther and Jindrak take turns working on Show, and together they manage to give him a suplex for 2! Angle in, and he puts on a crossface submission, holds on to the reverse front facelock, and nearly pins Show. Show starts to power out, but Jindrak clips him, and Angle chokes the big man out in the ropes. Show nearly comes back against Jindrak for a second, but Angle rushes in and gives him a shoulderblock. Jindrak puts on a camel clutch, but Show just stands up. Angle gets in and gives Show a shot to the ribs. Luther whips Jindrak into Show, but Show catches him with a goozle! Jindrak is shoved away, because Show wants Luther, and he gives Reigns a headbutt! Jindrak takes a fireman’s carry. Ditto Luther! Jindrak eats a powerslam, but Angle gets involved, and all 3 guys attack. Show’s not in the mood, and clotheslines both Luther and Jindrak! Mark Jindrak eats an alley-oop, but Reigns stops the momentum by attacking Show. Kurt hits the Olympic slam, and puts on the ankle lock!!! Show kicks him away, sending Angle to the floor. Jindrak follows, and Luther gets hit with a big boot! Reigns scooped up…and Show hits an F5?!? That’s enough for the big guy to score the unlikely win at 9:56. *
FUNAKI gets back his interview job, and interviews his favorite guest ever…himself. SPIKE DUDLEY quickly interrupts, and lets him know that he’ll never take his Cruiserweight title. Funaki’s got a question. “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Armageddon.” “Armageddon who?” “Aremageddon your title and become #1 Cruiserweight champion!”
FUNAKI vs. SPIKE DUDLEY
The time to push Funaki would have been during the “EVIL” period – but after another 5 years of jobbing under his belt, while facing a heatless champion, the fans don’t really give a shit. They go for some basic mat wrestling to start, before Funaki gets a roll up and small package for a pair of 2’s. Another Oklahoma roll gets in here for 2. Spike: “I don’t think so Funaki!” Hiptoss into an armbar, and Funaki drags the arm around. He dumps Spike outside, and hits him with a baseball slide dropkick for 2. Spike tries to go up, but he’s caught and slammed. A dropkick gets 2. They fight up top again, but this time Spike faceplants Funaki all the way to the floor!!! Funaki tries to crawl back in, but Spike hits him with a baseball slide, rolls him him, and gets 2. KEVIN SULLIVAN STOMP TO THE STOMACH! Funaki’s dead! Spike is just a sadistic man though, and applies an abdominal stretch. Funaki comes back with a pair of body presses for 2! Spike hits a gutbuster for 2. Back to the abdominal stretch. Funaki gets fired up, puts Spike into the tree of woe, and when Spike tries to sit up, Funaki stomps on him! Backdrop, clothesline, bulldog, and Funaki gets 2! He’s not done though, because he fires off an enzuigiri for 2. Spike goes for a blind charge, but smacks the buckle face first, and is hit with a crossbody off the top for 2! Funaki can feel it…goes for the tornado DDT…but it’s blocks, and he’s hit with a spear! Spike goes for the Dudley Dawg, but it’s blocked, Funaki rolls through, and wins the title at 9:29! *3/4 And the title continues to fall into mediocrity. Funaki gives a hug to every ringside announcer he can find.
JOHN “BRADSHAW” LAYFIELD sits alone with his WWE title. THE BASHAM BROTHERS offer some words of encouragement, and AMY WEBER says she’ll remain his image consultant no matter what. ORLANDO JORDAN offers a handshake, and he thanks him for his support. And with that, JBL starts the long walk towards the ring, stopping every couple steps to freak out.
JOHN “BRADSHAW” LAYFIELD vs. BOOKER T vs. EDDIE GUERRERO vs. THE UNDERTAKER (for the WWE title)
JBL watches everyone’s entrances, and makes faces like he’s got a really bad case of the runs. He gives his belt a long tender kiss, screams “THIS ISN’T FAIR”, and we’re off. JBL rolls out as soon as the bell sounds, refusing to have any part of this. Taker attacks Booker, and gives him a big boot right off the get go. While Taker works over Guerrero, Bradshaw tries to steal the pin on Booker, but the referee misses it for nearly 10 seconds before giving him 2. Undertaker chases Bradshaw around the ring, and gets him caught in the middle of the mess – where all 3 guys take turns getting in their licks. Taker hits a big elbow and goes for the pin, but Eddie and Booker aren’t having THAT, and beat the hell out of him in the corner. They hit a double back elbow, and work over his knees. Taker heads to the floor, and Booker follows. Eddie smartly stands behind. JBL’s nowhere to be seen. While Eddie watches the fight on the floor, Bradshaw sneaks in to give him a suplex for 2. Booker and Eddie team back up, and Eddie hits Bradshaw with a dropkick. Booker watches Taker, to ensure he won’t get in. Booker gives Bradshaw a side slam, Eddie hits a slingshot senton…but Booker won’t let him go for a pin. Eddie apologizes for even trying – and Bradshaw rolls up Booker for 2. Taker gets back in, and goes after Booker. Booker takes a beat down, and Bradshaw eats a side slam from Taker for 2. Eddie is dumped, Booker is hit with Taker’s DDT, and he gets 2. Bradshaw tries to steal a pin for 2. JBL rolls back out, and Undertaker follows. Bradshaw gets tossed face first into the steps, and nailed with a headbutt. Guerrero hops onto Taker’s back with a sleeper hold, and Booker goes after Bradshaw. Eddie is tossed off Taker’s shoulders, so Booker goes for a superkick. Taker no sells, and dumps Booker into the crowd. If I’d wanted to see Undertaker sit around and no sell, I’d have put on a 1996 pay-per-view event. Bradshaw gets the brilliant idea to powerbomb Taker through the announce table, but he winds up getting backdropped on the floor easily. Eddie and Taker wind up in the ring alone. A backdrop gets 2. Booker heads back in, and dodges a big boot – with Taker crotching himself on the buckle. JBL sneaks in, gives Booker a swinging neckbreaker, and gets 2. Bradshaw pounds away on Booker, but Eddie saves, and kicks JBL to the floor. Taker quickly tries to choke out Eddie in the ropes, which is legal in this match. Booker makes the save, and hammers at the Undertaker. Taker isn’t feeling it, and simply spinebuster’s Booker. He wants Old School, but Eddie gets involved. After stopping to give Guerrero a big boot, Taker heads back up and hits the move. A Flatliner gets 2. Eddie has recovered, and takes the heat off Booker by attacking Taker. He is promptly dumped to the outside, and Taker follows. Eddie tries to run, but is caught and put on the apron – just in the perfect place to be hit with a guillotine legdrop! Bradshaw arrives again from nowhere, and gives Taker a Clothesline From Hell. Booker is whipped to the ringsteps by the champ, and in the ring JBL gets 2. Bradshaw pulls off the tape on his arms, and chokes out Booker. Eddie grabs a ladder, getting a pop. He whips Taker in the face with it, while JBL grabs his world title belt! Booker hits JBL with a Harlem sidekick, and Eddie gets the same! Taker meets a superkick and falls back outside, and Booker connects with the axekick on Guerrero for a CLOSE 2! Booker heads out, and gives Taker another superkick! Bradshaw powerbombs Booker on the announce table, and it DOESN’T break, so Bradshaw has to drop an elbow to break it! Taker sees the wreckage, and decides to get him some of the same, giving JBL a Last Ride through the Spanish table! Hugo is now doing commentary in the front row. No, seriously. Eddie decides to play possum, and lies down dead in the middle of the ring. Undertaker falls for it, and goes for a tombstone. Eddie quickly pops away, but Taker chokeslams him anyway. No more possum. He calls for the Last Ride, but Eddie grabs the belt, and clocks Taker in the head! Eddie goes up, hits the Froggy Splash, quickly rushes to the other corner, connects with another seconds later, covers, AND UNDERTAKER KICKS OUT??? Fuck you! No, seriously, FUCK YOU. What a load of shit. I’m NOT impressed. Eddie grabs the ladder and cracks Taker in the skull. Eddie climbs to the top of the ladder to a LOUD “EDDIE” pop, and hits ANOTHER Froggy Splash! He’s slow to cover because he’s blown his knee – and by the time he covers, JBL pulls the referee out at 2. Eddie throws a shit fit, and runs the ladder into Taker’s face again. Bradshaw heads in, but is hit with the Three Amigo for 2. Booker knocks Eddie outside, and hits JBL with the axe kick for 2. Taker gives Eddie snake eyes, and follows with the big boot and legdrop for 2. Booker, Eddie, and JBL all take chokeslams, and Taker gives us the thumb to the throat. JBL is picked up for the tombstone, but JON HEIDENREICH is in the ring, and beats the hell out of Taker! He actually hits a competent Bossman slam! JBL crawls over to Booker T, drapes and arm…and gets 2. He tries Eddie, which also nets him 2. He doesn’t even try on Taker, because he does a zombie situp. Heidenreich pulls Taker to the floor, while JBL hits Booker with the Clothesline From Hell for the pin at 25:27. **1/4 Way too f*cking long, and a total joke of a match. And the show goes off the air.
Well, if you like pay-per-views with nothing that’s worth your $35, or even a match over **1/2, then this is the one for you! Armageddon always sucks, and the 2004 edition was certainly no exception. Don’t buy this on DVD, don’t download it, and kill all who mention its existence. We’re better off pretending it never happened.