What a Tease!

Hi all. Welcome to another of What a Tease! It’s a short one this week, because there’s just not that much to cover. Well, that, some broken/non-existant links at Yahoo, and the fact that yours truly is recovering from a little…get together last night. Gotta enjoy Spring Break at least a little bit, they say. So, I’ve come to you with a fairly large headache, a borrowed laptop, and the slowest network connection I’ve ever seen, to make sure you get your taste of trailers this week. I strive to please you people, I really do **Try to ignore some of the corners I cut this week** Now, everybody know what time it is??!?

Crowd: **Cough**

That’s right! It’s Trailer Time!!!!

Still need a way to make that actually sound exciting……and to think, the things I do for you people…..

New Trailers Online this Week

Basically, you’ll get a direct link to the trailer, the ‘Plot According to Yahoo’ (Or IMDB if it’s an Apple Trailer), the length of the trailer and the *estimated* release date. You’ll ALSO get the following: The Spoilerish ranking – what this basically gauges is how much of the movie the trailer gives away, on a 1-10 scale; My Analysis of the trailer, sometimes being pretty straight and narrow, sometimes being witty and sarcastic, sometimes both; finally, you’ll get an Overall Rating, which is ‘calculated’ based on the length of the trailer, it’s ‘spoilerish-ness’ and, well, how I feel about it. It IS my column, after all, but I promise the ratings will be fair and make sense.

Kung Fu Hustle

The plot according to Yahoo: In Shanghai in the ’30s, times are dangerous and gangs rule the streets. The most notorious of these, the Axes, strike fear into the hearts of honest citizens and inspire admiration in one young wannabe. One day, in a slum on the outskirts of town, he wreaks havoc when he recklessly poses as an Axe member and causes a veritable riot between the real gang members and the denizens of a housing project who just so happen to be strangely well versed in the art of kung fu.

Length: 1:44
Spoilerish: 4
Release Date: April 8th, 2005 (limited).
Analysis: What an incredibly strange yet thoroughly awesome trailer. This movie looks hillarious and the trailer does a great job with it. I was laughing out loud watching it, while sitting captivated by it overall. It really looks like something special, and the trailer gets you into it big time. The music is great, the scene choices rock, and it’s short, so it doesn’t spoil much. Here’s hoping for a wide release sometime after the initial run.
Overall Rating: 7

Cinderella Man

The plot according to Yahoo: Set in New York during the Depression, this is the story of James Braddock (Crowe), who takes up boxing to make money to feed his family, and ends up becoming quite famous in the process, eventually going up against champ Max Baer.

Length: 2:31
Spoilerish: 6.5
Release: June 3rd, 2005.
Analysis: Crowe returns to the epic film, becoming another gladiator of sorts in the boxing ring. The trailer is put together well. It’s long, and shows the overall arch of the story without going into too much detail. The trailer gets across the overall inspiration theme, and is made for those who love these types of films and those who don’t. It’s made to touch people and get them talking, and it succeeds with clips of some stellar performances and great music. It’s also not so spoiling that it brings it down much.
Overall Rating: 6.5

The Perfect Man

The plot according to Yahoo: Teenager Holly Hamilton (Hilary Duff) is tired of moving every time her single mom Jean (Heather Locklear) has another personal meltdown involving yet another second-rate guy. To distract her mother from her latest bad choice, Holly conceives the perfect plan for the perfect man–an imaginary secret admirer who will romance Jean and boost her shaky self-esteem. When the virtual relationship takes off, Holly finds herself having to produce the suitor, borrowing her friend’s charming and handsome Uncle Ben (Chris Noth) as the face behind the e-mails, notes and gifts. Holly must resort to increasingly desperate measures to keep the ruse alive and protect her mom’s newfound happiness, almost missing the real perfect man when he does come along.

Length: 2:31
Spoilerish: 5.5
Release: July 22nd, 2005.
Analysis: Is anyone else sick of Hillary Duff? Anyone? Anyone at all? No? *Sigh* Well I am, but I’ll be unbiased, I guess. The trailer turns me off, not so much because of the content, which isn’t original, but because of that damn Duff. Chris Noth’s involvement is nice, as is Locklear’s, but meh. Anyway, again, concept we’ve seen many times before, so nothing new there. It’s got an audience, this trailer, and it markets to them perfectly. It’s not bad overall, and it’s not even spoilerish for it’s length. Again, fans will be excited and flock to it because of the trailer, so what more can you ask for?
Overall Rating: 5.0

Trailers for Films Opening This Very Weekend! (Weekend of March 25th, 2005)

Guess Who

The plot according to Yahoo: A sarcastic father (Mac) has plenty to say about his daughter wanting to marry a white boy (Kutcher).

Length: 2:15
Spoilerish: 6
Analysis: So, it looks like the new number one movie in America will be a comedy. I don’t know about the quality of this one as a film, but as a trailer it’s got everything you’d expect. This is Bernie and Ashton’s picture, and the trailer works hard to show that. The seem to work well together, chemistry wise, but how much can you tell in two minutes? Not insultingly spoilerish, because A) It’s a remake and B)it’s a film everyone has seen before in one form or another, so there are no real ‘surprises’ to ruin, except for major jokes, which are used here, but again, not too too much. Decent overall.
Overall Rating: 6

‘Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous’

The plot according to Yahoo: The story catches up with FBI agent Gracie Hart (Sandra Bullock) shortly after she successfully disarmed a threat against the Miss United States Pageant while working undercover as a contestant in Miss Congeniality. Having become a media celebrity following her heroic pageant exploits, Gracie has been spending more time lately at the salon than the shooting range, working the talk show circuit and promoting her book. When her friends, pageant winner Cheryl and emcee Stan, are kidnapped in Las Vegas, Gracie’s all-out efforts to jump back into action to save them puts her at loggerheads with the FBI top brass who don’t want to risk losing their mascot and fear she might not be up to the job anymore.

Length: 2:31
Spoilerish: 7
Analysis: Argh. Please, just shoot me now and get it over with. What agony, just watching that trailer. Why, why do movies like this get green-lit? I mean, are the chances of this doing monster box revenue that big? I guess….anyway, as a trailer, it’s pretty shady. Lots of the jokes and dialogue and interaction are given away, but not so much the plot. The jokes, by the way, are just incredibly lame and fall flat, even for a trailer. Maybe fans of the original are looking forward to this, but I can’t see how the average joe isn’t turned off. Then again……oh, and the Regis part at the end was a nice touch.
Overall Rating: 4.5 (For Regis getting beat)

The Number One Movie in America!

Every week, I’ll take the number one movie in America and put its trailer here, just in case anyone hasn’t seen it yet (or if you just love the trailer).

The Ring 2

The plot according to Yahoo: The story picks up six months after the horrifying events that terrorized Rachel Keller and her son Aidan in Seattle. To escape her haunting memories, Rachel takes Aidan and moves to the small coastal community of Astoria, Oregon, to start fresh. However, Rachel’s resolve quickly turns to dread when evidence at a local crime scene-including an unmarked videotape-seems eerily familiar. Rachel realizes that the vengeful Samara is back and more determined than ever to continue her relentless cycle of terror and death.

Length: 2:33
Spoilerish: 8
Analysis: *Sigh* I’ve actually gotten some serious flak for being too hard on this movie. So, instead of talking about the film ruinings its potential with cliche-ridden rubbish, I’ll just talk about the trailer. It’s incredibly spoilerish, revealing some major plot twists and key scenes for the viewer. Yes, it does get you worked up for the movie, but it’s disappointing to go to the film and realize you’ve seen half of the important parts already and you know most of the plot. I think I was too generous as a fan last week and allowed my hopes to go up high, but I won’t lower the score too much because it IS a good trailer to scare people and get them motivated. Too bad it disappoints as a film so much. **Had to!**
Overall Rating: 6

Debating that DVD purchase? Check out the trailer first!

Yup, each week, I’ll take the new, major DVD release(s) and put the trailer here too. Just to help you decide how to spend that cash or remind you about a movie, in case you forgot ^_^

Fat Albert

The plot according to Yahoo: Bill Cosby’s character, “Fat Albert,” comes to the big screen as a live action/animated feature film. The movie is based on Cosby’s stand-up comedy monologues about his childhood, centered around a group of urban adolescents growing up in a Philadelphia neighborhood.

Length: 2:33
Spoilerish: 5.0
Analysis: I’d love to say I feel for Bill Cosby, but, meh. Maybe this succeeds as a children’s film? Heck if I know. The trailer does nothing for me, though, and obviously didn’t do much for most of America. If you checked it out in theaters, you might buy it on DVD. Otherwise, you’ll probably be skipping it like you did the first time.
Overall Rating : 5.0

Finding Neverland

The plot according to Yahoo: Set in London in 1904, the film follows J.M. Barrie’s creative journey to bring Peter Pan to life, from his first inspiration for the story up until the play’s premiere at the Duke of York’s Theatre – a night that will change not only Barrie’s own life, but the lives of everyone close to him. David Magee’s screenplay is based on the play “The Man Who Was Peter Pan,” written by Allen Knee.

Length: 2:25
Spoilerish: 4.5
Analysis: Well, this Oscar contender finally lands on DVD. A fair amount of people will probably pick it up, given it’s status and acclaim. The trailer is definitely one to watch to see if this is a kind of film you’d be interested in, and it represents the overall film well. Not much else to say, really.
Overall Rating : 6.0

Wrapping it Up

So, that’ll do it for another week. Any thoughts or comments, send them my way, and, as usual,

Until next time…..

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