SMACK this! – 03.24.05

OPENERS

So, a few of you mailed in to say the Michael Cole was indeed correct in calling London’s dropkick a “dropsault.” Thanks for the info. But it still looks like a regular dropkick to me. It’s hard to take Cole TOO seriously anymore though, with the constant butchering of move names. BRING BACK CAUDLE!

In fact, I’d love to see someone make that into a sign and take it to a SD! taping. You don’t even have to give me credit; just seeing it flying over Cole’s head would be payment enough.

THE ANTI-SPYWARE SECTION

As previously helmed by one Eric Szulczewski, I’ve taken the liberty of taking the text and links from his Anti-Spyware section, and put it up on a page of it’s own, here. After spending three hours killing the “Desktop Search” crap from my singer’s computer, I feel that information like this is too good to be left out. So there ya go.

QUICK HITS

Eric, if you ever need a SD! torrent, I’ll hook you up. Of course, being on dialup, it’ll take about 2 1/2 months, but it’s the thought that counts.

Tom Toner has Sports for Dummies, for clueless hacks (i.e.: me) who don’t know the first thing about anything that isn’t billed as “THE GREATEST NIGHT OUR SPORT HAS EVER SEEN!”

Bebito Jackson has your PSP launch hookup.

Coogs has has some profound questions on the NCAA basketball coverage.

gloomchen has a wonderful little Winger vs Warrant debate tucked in her column, and while I agree Winger had the better musicians by far, Warrant was just plain fun. Jani Lane however, absolutely SUCKS live.

Not IP related, but my new favorite site: Band to Band Family Tree. Ever wonder how many guys worked with other guys? It’s like Six Degrees of Ryder Fakin’, except for bands! Awesome, fun site.

Well, this got WAY long, so…

SMACK this! (or, this show is a great value. It’s free, but there’s the value!)

One world, two brands, three way dance!

Sigh, how I miss the old days, with no theme, no fireworks, and even that fist couldn’t bring me down. We are TAPED from the Fed-Ex Forum in Memphis TN, it’s WWE SmackDown! Michael Cole tells us we will have a good old-fashioned DEBATE. John Bradshaw Layfield meets John Cena in a battle of wits, wisdom, and other stuff.

In the “Anything you can do, I can do better” category, Tazz is in the ring, and he introduces the Big Show. Wow, Show gets some Memphis love. Tazz tells us again what Show is up against, and we see more footage of Akebono’s Sumo matches in Japan. Show reiterates that he will triumph. Or, something like it.

Luther Reigns drives out in a HUGE jeep, and is decked out in a suit. Reigns, not the jeep. Dorks. Reigns blusters about Show not having any experience in sumo matches, and that Show will embarrass Teddy Long, the SD! locker room, and most importantly, Reigns himself. So, Reigns brought out this jeep to throw around the arena, just like he’ll thrown around Akebono at WM. So Reigns tries to move the jeep. No dice. He tries again, and nothing. Now Show is laughing, along with the rest of the arena! Reigns notices this and heads to the ring, intending to shut up the Big Show. I think I know how this one ends. Reigns with a couple of rights, but is reversed on a whip in, and gets caught in the goozle. Chokeslam! Play Show’s music!

As Show is leaving, he takes a good long look at the jeep. He asks the crowd; they say “Go for it!” So Show tries to tip the jeep by rocking it, but doesn’t get it done. Show tries again, but the beast ain’t moving. Show slaps a crack into the windshield in frustration. Now Show tries again, rocking it, and we get a weird camera cut to Show lifting the jeep and tipping it over. That is one tough hombre, but they killed it a little with that strange camera cut. And Reigns’ promo was not too bad. Meanwhile…

Chavo is backstage with Eddy, stirring up the pot again. Eddy asks him to leave, but Chavo tells Eddy to believe in his own heart: he needs to know if he can beat Rey. Meanwhile…

Tonight: WWE Tag Team Championship: Eddy & Rey vs Charlie Hass and Hardcore Holly!

Commercials.

Hulk Hogan promo, with footage from Jim Ross’ first PPV with the WWF – WM IX. Bret Hart lost the title to Yokozuna, but Hogan came in and won it after Yoko challenged him. I gotta say, watching that tape, it’s pretty weird hear J.R. call a Hogan match, short as it was.

Tazz tells us Sly Stallone will induct the ‘Ole Orange Goblin into the WWE Hall of Fame, the boys work in a decent promo for Sly’s new “The Contender” boxing reality show.

NOT a United States Championship Match: Orlando Jordan vs Scotty 2 Hotty. This would be non-title. JBL mocks Scotty’s height, slaps Scotty with his hat, and then pie faces him. Scotty doesn’t take that crap though, and SWEET CHIN MUSIC for JBL! SWEET CHIN MUSIC for OJ! BULLDOG on JBL! W-O-R-M on JBL! JBL is outside, and FURIOUS, so he says he’ll take care of this one…

NOT a WWE Championship Match: John Bradshaw Layfield vs Scotty 2 Hotty. This would also be non-title. Apparently, JBL has the BOOK too, as he gets to change matches on the fly. GLASS CEILING! THEY’RE HOLDING SCOTTY DOWN! JBL with a boot to start, a CLUBBERIN blow to the back, and a whip in but Scotty ducks, and flies into a fallaway slam. Three elbows and a whip to the corner, but Scotty reverses and misses the BLIND charge. One Clothesline from Heck later, and stick a fork in YOUR jobber of the week; he’s DONE. DUD; I’d go lower, but I don’t do negative stars.

Backstage, Josh Matthews is KNOCKING.

No, seriously, he’s knock knock knockin’ on Angle’s door…

Ok, I’ll stop.

Angle has a blast from HBK’s past, and he’ll tell the world! Soon, me thinks.

Tonight, it’s a CAT FIGHT. Michelle McCool takes on Dawn Marie. McCool is not quite “Lillian Garcia” hot, but pretty close.

Commercials.

It’s our SD! GM, TL! Teddy Long comes out, lemmie have a HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA! Teddy says he’s got the best impersonator around, let’s bring out Elvis Presley! King Carltio! Carlito comes out dressed in a white jumpsuit, goofy sunglasses and a Purple Scarf. I wonder if Ivory let him have that. Carlito starts us off the much-maligned Em9/11 chord, and breaks into Jailhouse Rock. He continues without the guitar, even doing the arm shake thing. Carlito leaves in disgust. Ok, the beginning was funny. The part after he came out – all the rest – was not. Meanwhile…

Backstage, Eddy and Rey chat about a WM21 match. Eddy hypes it up and Rey thinks he’s joking. Eddy is all like “I’m dead serious.” That was freaking AWESOME! Rey looks REAL nervous, and says that they’ve got a match, “let’s talk about this later.”

Charlie Hass & Hardcore Holly vs Technical Difficulties. No, it’s just a “random” Undertaker promo. Take any Taker promo from 1995-99, slap in Orton, and there you are. There will be a SACRIFICE tonight. Um, there already has been. THIS SHOW.

Commercials.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio (c) vs Charlie Hass & Hardcore Holly. Well, after 45 minutes of talk, and a mini squash, they could do worse. The Velocity Darlings get a shot at the big leagues; let’s see if Sparky Plugg can hang with three technical marvels. Eddy and Holly start it off. Lockup and a side headlock by Eddy, who turns Holly over with a throw, but Holly gets a head scissors on Eddy, who breaks out, and we’re all square. My tribute to Zack Zeltzer. Another lockup; this one won by Holly, who goes behind for a waistlock. Eddy breaks out into a slight arm wringer, then a drop toehold, floating over into the front facelock. Holly powers up, and Eddy switches to a side headlock. Holly sends him for the ride, but Eddy shoulder blocks him down. Eddy to the other side now, Holly drops down, Eddy crosses over, leap frog by Holly, and Eddy is a sport tonight, offering his teeth on the return ride via that Sweet Holly Dropkick (TM). It gets two. Tag to Hass, who comes in with a boot, then works the arm for a bit. Hass with an arm wringer, but Eddy pokes him in the eye, and drags Hass back to a waiting tag from Rey. Rey with a boot and a few rights, the sends Hass for the ride, which is reversed. Rey slides under Hass’ missed clothesline and charges his shoulder into Hass’ gut. Rey baits Hass in, and gets a drop toehold to the second rope, setting Hass up for the 619. As Rey runs the ropes, the lights go blue, and thunder is heard.

THUNDER IS COMING BACK! YOU HEARD IT FIRST AT INSIDEPULSE, BABEEY!!!

Ok, maybe not, but we get to go to…

Commercials.

We’re back, and Holly is working on Rey. Big suplex gets two. Tag to Hass, who keeps on Rey’s back. 619 chant tries to get Rey Rey back into the game. Rey tries to fight out, but Hass shuts him down with a few good boots. Hass sends Rey to the corner, but Rey stops, so Hass charges. You know, that never works either, as Rey gets a back elbow, followed by the beloved eyeble. Rey hops the rope onto the apron and hits a seated senton on Hass! Rey makes it to his feet first; here’s the hot pepper tag! Eddy with a pair of clotheslines on Hass, then sends him for the ride. But Hass reverses, only to get a flying head scissor for his troubles. Eddy dropkicks Holly off the apron for fun. Eddy ducks a Hass clothesline, boots him, Three Amigos! Eddy is feeling froggy, but senses Hass is gonna move, so he rolls though. As he waits on Hass, Holly comes in a nails Eddy with a full nelson slam (Alabama Slam?) and Hass gets a two count. Hass with a whip, but gets reversed, and knocks Rey off the apron, who had been standing near the middle. Eddy with a waistlock, but Hass does a standing switch, which Eddy elbows out of. Eddy hits ropes and runs into a Hass flapjack, who then puts Eddy in the Hass of Pain. Eddy looks like he’s gonna tap, but Rey drops the dime from outside. Holly comes in and looks to powerbomb Rey, but Rey pounds and head scissors Holly and takes them both over the top rope. Hass gets up, and charges the corner again (!) but Eddy moves, and Hass’ shoulder hits the second turnbuckle. Eddy sets Hass up on top, and motions Rey over. Eddy lifts a running Rey onto the shoulders of Hass, and hurracanrana’s him down. Eddy then flips Rey outside onto Holly. Eddy up top, FROGSPLASH! That’s all folks. ** 1/4. The silliness with the Undertaker broke up what could’ve been a pretty awesome match. I know there are people who LOVE this Undertaker stuff; me, I can’t make it compute.

Post match, Rey asks Eddy is he’s serious about WM. Eddy says yes, so Rey accepts the challenge. I like this MUCH better than trying to turn either one of them.

Later, McCool and Marie get it on. Next up: more TALKING!

Commercials.

Austin will be on Piper’s Pit! Here’s a clip from RAW in 1998, when Vince brought out Mike Tyson, for WM XIV.

Kurt Angle comes out to Shawn Michaels’ music, along with classic HBK tights, and Sensational Sherri! He even does the “throw Sherri down while I pose” bit as well. Angle talks to Sherri for a minute, then tells the world that he will prove tonight that he’s a better entertainer than HBK. See, Shawn sang his own entrance music, but Angle thinks those lyrics suck. So, with help from Sherri on the intro, here is the new, “Sexy Kurt”:

Oh, oh, Shawn
I think I’m cute
I’ve got gold medals
I’ve got the moves
That makes them all tap out
Angle Slam
The Ankle Lock
Marty Jannetty, still can’t walk

I’m just a sexy Kurt (Sexy Kurt)
I’ll make your ankle hurt (ankle hurt)
I’m just a sexy Kurt (Sexy Kurt)
I’ll make your ankle hurt (ankle hurt)

Great stuff. From the Smack-A-Tron, HBK interrupts. He says Sherri looks good… wait, that’s not true, she doesn’t very look good at all, but anyway… BURN! On RAW this past Monday, viewers were treated to a Kurt Angle retrospective, so tonight, let’s have one on Shawn! Not a bad video package either, which spills into a promo for the WM match. Sherri is smiling fondly at the old footage, but Angle thinks he is laughing at him. Sherri explains that it’s part of her history, and Angle says. “Cool. NOT!” Angle shoves her down and puts an ankle lock on her. The ref break him off it, but he shoos them and locks it back on. Now the agents come out, and pull Kurt off. Blink, and you’ll miss Dave “Fit” Finlay and Dean Malenko.

Commercials.

CATFIGHT!: Dawn Marie vs Michelle McCool. Dawn snapmares McCool by the hair a few times, then kicks her in the kidney. Ouch. Dawn goes to undo the second turnbuckle pad, and walks into a McCool Charge (it!), who takes Dawn down and arms are flailing. Dawn gets back up, so McCool kicks her down again, then boots her outside. McCool knocks Dawn’s head against the security rail a few times, the sends her back into the ring, tearing Dawn’s outfit in the process. McCool gets a two count. Dawn fights up with some rights to the gut, tearing at McCool’s top, and a headbutt (!?!) to knock McCool down again. Here come more Undertaker shenanigans. But the match continues. Dawn goes for McCool, but McCool fights back with some nasty looking rights. Dawn shuts that down with a kick, and a face plant to the mat. Dawn with a drop toehold to the corner, but McCool misses the second turnbuckle, and hits the bottom one instead. Dawn pounds McCool’s head into the second, exposed buckle, and drops down for the pin, using the ropes for leverage. Can’t quite call it a roll up, but whatever works. *. At least it had spunk.

Backstage, Funaki talks to the Caribbean King! Funaki says it looks like Carlito is leaving. Carlito says he is cooler than Elvis; if Elvis were here, he’d spit in his face. He shoves the shades to Funaki, who puts them on after Carlito leaves. He starts to sing “let’s rock, everybody let’s rock,” when Jeff Jarr- I mean, Honky Tonk M- I mean, Stone Cold St- I mean, Carlito waffles Funaki with the guitar. He find the apple, takes a bite, and spits it on Funaki. Eww.

Commercials, including the “Taxi Driver Auditions,” featuring a bunch of RAW and SD! guys and girls, auditioning for the “Are you talkin’ to me?” line. Best trailer of the series.

Big Lugs Gauntlet: Booker T. vs Renee Dupree w/ Fifi. They lockup, and Booker comes out with a hammerlock, but is eyebled by Dupree. Dupree hits a few rights and a chop, and sends Booker for the ride, but Booker reverses and hits a flying heel kick. Booker picks him up, but Dupree fights out sending Booker to the corner. Booker gets a foot up, but charges into a POWERSLAM for two. Dupree sends Booker into the corner again, and this time hits a running clothesline. Dupree stomps a mudhole in Booker, but doesn’t walk it dry beacuse the ref backs him out of the corner. French Tickler dance draws the BONG!, as we get Undertaker stuff again. But as the lights come back up, the Undertaker is behind Dupree in the ring, surrounded by fog. Booker and the ref want no part of this, so ladies and germs, Renee Dupree is the lucky victim tonight. Chokeslam for Dupree! Taker sends Dupree outside, where he rams him into the security barricade (that thing is taking a beating tonight). Dupree gets sent into the steps shoulder first, and Taker rams the top section into Dupree’s head. Tombstone on the steps! BONG! Taker makes more scary faces. No match, no rating.

Cripes, this show is sucking hard.

Commercials.

Moments ago, stuff you just saw.

It’s our SD! GM, TL, part duex! Next week, we get the weigh in for the Show / Akebono match. Earlier tonight, Show tipped a jeep. Better than tipping cows, I suppose. Or that waitress with the hairlip.

(InsidePulse would like to note that the previous opinions and viewpoints are that of the author, and in no way represent InsidePulse’s opinions and viewpoints of waitresses with hairlips.)

Anyway, JBL comes out for the debate, and we head to…

Commercials.

Main Event: The Great Debate: John Bradshaw Layfield vs John Cena. JBL reminds us that if Cena touches him, Cena loses the title match at WM. But, says Long, if JBL physically provokes Cena, Cena can fight back. So, let’s mass debate!

1) What makes you believe that you are more qualified to be the WWE Champion?

JBL thanks everyone in the arena, and then says that he deserves to be champion because America needs heroes, and he has filled that role. He takes a shot at HHH, pointing out that the guy on the other show won ten championships, but he lost nine times. He has held the title longer than anyone in over ten years, and by the way, he is a wrestling GOD.

Cena responds by asking about why JBL would drive to the ring in a broke down ass limousine. He walks to the limo, and stabs the tire. Teddy won’t do anything, because Cena isn’t touching JBL. Cena brings up the paint job, and spraypaints “JBL SUCKS” in black on the drivers side. When Cena gets back to the ring, a JBL sucks chant breaks out. Cena tries to goad JBL into hitting him, but JBL won’t bite. Next question, please:

2) How important is one’s social and economic upbringing in being a champion?

JBL says it’s real important. Look at what that vandal Cena just did. The only way people like Cena get into a car “is to drive ME around.” At WM, he’s going to turn into criminal, and steal all Cena’s hopes, dreams, and dignity, and make him bow at the feet “of a wrestling GOD!”

Cena takes over by asking about the way he dresses. He thinks the problem would be solved if he wears a suit and tie. JBL says Cena would look better in a tie. Cena agrees and grabs some scissors, and cuts JBL’s tie before the knot. Cena tucks it in his shirt, but decides, “it sucks” and again tries to goad JBL into hitting him. But JBL won’t play his games. The next question is for Cena:

3) What do you need-

Cena interrupts with “What do I need to do to get this punk ass over here to swing at me?” He says he can prove JBL is a liar, and grabs JBL’s ten-gallon hat. After trying it on, Cena thinks we should find out if a ten-gallon hat can really hold ten gallons. I kind of always wondered that myself. He proceeds to dump two pitchers of water into the hat, deciding that it barely holds a gallon, therefore, JBL is a liar. By the way, he says he’s done with the hat and puts it on JBL, dumping the water on him. Again with the taunting, but JBL won’t bite. Cena has another spray can, and while JBL is yelling at Long, Cena sprays a yellow line down JBL’s back. Cena says there are those who talk about it, and those who ARE about it. He’s gonna give “a little preview, of what I’m gonna dom at WrestleMania, to you.” In red spray paint, he draws the letters FU on the front of JBL’s shirt. Cena leaves to his music, while JBL stews as we go off the air.

Someone’s been messing with the Kool-Aid; what an abomination. When the best spots come from the Divas, you KNOW something’s wrong.

Next week – lots of WM XXI hype! Maybe even, gosh, some WRESTLING!

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