The Weekly Pulse: The Gatekeeper's Guide to Movies

Hi all. Welcome to another edition of the Guide. This was submitted kind of on time, so if it’s uber late, blame the system, not me. It’s just easier for everyone that way.

Real Life is Damn Entertaining

Let’s take a break this week from the end of the world, the end of America, the terrors or Iraq/Israel/Bush and focus on something that will entertain some people. You’ll either smile, shake your head and walk away, or you’ll read it deep, smile, shake your head and walk away. Some could be angry over this, but…..why? Happy Easter, either way.

Easter is cancelled! They found the body. ^_^


You Mean Inside Pulse Talks About Stuff Besides Movies?

Turns out we do.

Wrestling – Two weeks left til Wrestlemania – the hype is mounting pretty high. You can check out Scott Keith and his Wrestlemania recaps, along with great columns by Gordi Whitelaw, Vinny Truncellito, Eric S. and more. It’s really a great spot for any fan.

Games – So the PSP has made it onto the scene, and it’s still too damn expensive for me, regardless of how pretty it looks. The game guys are all over it, its games, plus tons more, as usual.

Music – I’m not a big music guy at all – I listen to a little bit of everything. But if YOU are big into this kinda thing, you’ll fit right in with this crew.

TV – Your one stop shop for all things Survivor, Apprentice, American Idol, and more! Did someone mention Live Coverage?

Sports – I don’t do sports, but these guys do, and they do a hell of a job too.

Comics – These guys make me want to start collecting and reading comics again. A fantastic section that you’d be hard-pressed to find better elsewhere.

Figures – Grown men play with/collect dolls/figures. And you do too. So read them, because they’re a very fun section of our site. Awesome, awesome Toy Fair coverage, too.

News You can Use – And We Abuse

You know the deal by now. J. Kern and myself take most of the news from the week, post it here in one easy-to-find spot, and then commentate on/make fun of/rip it up. The headlines are in bold, the news story underneath, and then our comments on said story.

News on Final Destinaction 3

Ryan Merriman and Mary Elizabeth Winstead (both in The Ring Two) will star in Cheating Death: Final Destination 3 for New Line Cinema. More

Kern: i hate to come down on a brotha … after all, i’m down with my people, all about asian solidarity. That being said … James Wong can eat a bowl of dick then cease making films forthwith. i need another Final Destination like i needed the FIRST Final Destination, which is to say “not at all”.
Norty: I agree. 100% And, while I don’t hate the first like you, I’m pretty much in agreement with everything else. Surprised?
Kern: i am not at all surprised that you liked the first one. After all, you’re too young to remember that when they originally made the movie, they called it Flatliners and it starred Keifer Sutherland, Keving Bacon and some leviathan-mouthed tart whose name escapes me for the moment …
Norty: Well, I didn’t say I liked the first one, actually. Don’t twist it. And no, I wasn’t aware it was a remake, or re-imagining, or whatever. So, consider me educated. Again.
Kern: It wasn’t a remake. It was just lazy filmmaking.
Norty: Either or. This film shouldn’t be made. Period. I mean seriously, how many ways can they come up with for idiot teens to avoid death?
Kern: Forget the teens. What about the careers of the teen actors? Maybe FD4 could be them running from a mediocre director trying to sign them to a dying horror franchise….
Norty: Either or. Speaking of which,.

News on The Butterfly Effect Sequel

New Line has approved FilmEngine to go forward with a sequel to The Butterfly Effect Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart, stars of the original film, are not expected to be in the sequelMore….

Kern: *sigh* It’s really much too easy of a shot to say that Ashton should return to go back in time and not make Butterfly Effect 1. But, wait! If he did that, then he wouldn’t be around to make the second one, so he couldn’t go back in time and he’d end up sleeping with his mother! Not that that would be a new feeling for him, mind you. It’s really the paradox i’m concerned about….
Norty: I’ve got a headache. Not so much for the incest, which I don’t put past him or those like him, but the paradox. I love time travel, but its piss-poor execution makes me want to shoot myself. Kinda like the feeling you get when you see that Ashton is in a film, actually….
Kern: So i take it you wouldn’t say no to going back in time and boffing your mom, thus fathering yourself?
Norty: Actually I’d say no in a heartbeat. Not my thing, really. Must you turn everything into sex with my mother?
Kern: Yes.
Norty: Okay, but we don’t end this byte on that note. Say something about Ashton and how he sucks.
Kern: Ashton should do BE2, go back in time and hump your mother.
Norty: …..I hate you.
Kern: Your mom likes me. Correction … she LOVES me.
Norty: I don’t think so. She’d kill herself first Kern.
Kern: Not if i went back in time before she had the good sense she has today!
Norty: ….then I’d be the son of Kern?
Kern: You already are….
Norty: …..mindblowing. So, do I call you Dad? Pops? Poppa Kern? And shouldn’t you be sending me checks for like, school and life and such?
Kern: You’re gonna have to talk to SkyNet about that.
Norty: I see. Some major cross promotion goin on here…
Kern: i don’t make the time travelling rules…

Nakata Interested in Another Ring Film

Director Hideo Nakata (The Ring 2) says he’s just as keen as the studio to return for another installment of The Ring. More….

Kern: They’d better be careful. If they get to 5 rings, they have to start testing for steroids. ::rim shot::
Norty: Weak Kern. Very weak. I’m not touchin that one. Although, I must say, the second Ring was such a let down, I’m terrified already of a third. Not for any good horror reasons, though…
Kern: Ring 2 was a little underwhelming, but it’s not like it was Final Destination, which i’m told you adore. And Naomi Watts is on my short list of people i’d watch doing local used car commercials.
Norty: Yeah, I like me some Watts, for sure. No, I don’t adore Final Destination any more than you adore Dune. And….oh, shite, wait a second….
Norty: So you have seen The Ring 2? Good, for a minute I thought I stood alone in my disappointment.
Kern: But i wasn’t. Wasn’t expecting greatness. i expected a mildly entertaining movie featuring some characters i feel some affection for. Got it.
Norty: Meh. You’re such a……meh.
Kern: You’re just mad that Ashton Kutcher’s not really your time-travellin’ dad.
Norty: Oh, believe me, I’m not. Though, to pick between the two of you……gah, this sounds like some contrived, wanna-be plot for a Japanese director trying his hand on the American scene. Scary.
Kern: Hey, if they can get Watts to do it….
Norty: Watts could play my on screen mom and your on-screen love, so long as I got….hands on……consulting privledges.
Kern: That’s inappropriate.
Norty: How do you figure?
Kern: i don’t do sloppy seconds.
Norty: You’d take Watts after a crazy Japanese orgy and you’d like it. Don’t lie to me.
Kern: i’d take your mother in and swap her out like Indy at the beginning of Raiders.
Norty: Har har. You’d walk out without your………okay! Moving on!

Thomas Haden Church New Spiderman Villain; Characters to be Venom and Man-Wolf?

Thomas Haden Church, who was nominated for an Academy Award for best supporting actor in Sideways, has been cast as Spider Man’s new archenemy in the next chapter of the Spider-Man franchise. More….

Also, The villains for Spider-Man 3 will be Venom and Man-Wolf, at least according to a report on the website. More….

Kern: Venom, yes. Man-Wolf?!
Norty: Perhaps you prefer Kraven? Or The Vulture?
Kern: Hell, i woulda preferred Airwolf! At least it’s recognizable. Who remembers Man-Wolf? More importantly, WHO CARES?!
Norty: I do not. Some say that the Venom story cannot be sufficiently told in one movie. I say, to hell with that. If this is the last Spidey movie *damn it* then I say “Oh hells fookin yes!” for Venom.
Kern: As much as the curmudgeon in me wants to come down on Venom, the fanboy in me is too strong. And while i can’t go so far as to say “Oh hells fookin yes” … i think i can manage a rather-more-genteel “Good show, old bean!”
Norty: Good show….you poser. Anyway, Church should be clutch with any villian they give him. And I doubt it’ll be some two-bit, lead in opening role, another thing people are discussing.
Kern: So long as there’s DRINKIN’!
Norty: Eh? Pretty random Kern….
Kern: You, uh … You are aware that Thomas Hayden Church was nominated for an Oscar a few months back, yes? And the movie he was nominated for was, in certain respects, tangentially related to alcohol?
Norty: Oh..crap. I totally missed the reference. Shite. Shite shite. Right over head. Damn it….
Kern: And that’s why when i say “Who’s your daddy!”, you say, “You, sir!”
Norty: Right. Whatever you say, Daddy-o.

Anderson to Direct Deathrace 3000

Paul W.S Anderson (Alien vs. Predator) has been hired to direct Paramount’s Death Race 3000, a modern remake of the action classic Death Race 2000. More….

Kern: This reminds me of the trailers for Ring 2. A preview of the Amityville Horror came on and i groaned when i saw the name of Michael Bay. Bay is responsible for some of the worst hack jobs in moden movie history and i was in no way surprised that he chose to do another remake – because that man doesn’t have a creative bone in his body. Hell, he doesn’t have creative cartilage. THEN, i saw a second Bay preview – this time he’s ripping off the Matrix! The audacity of that man … it’s like he walked into my living room, crapped on my sofa, then sad, “Sorry!” and then crapped on my coffee table! The man has no shame, i tell you.
Norty: Did I miss it……we’re talking about Paul W.S. Anderson, not Mike Bay….
Kern: Point being, Paul W.S. is The Michael Bay in training. Saving Event Horizon, has that man done anything original? Does he know the meaning of the term? i mean, maybe i’m being too hard on him. In Ancient Greece, the word “originality” actually had the opposite meaning. It mean hewing closely to the source, or origin. Maybe he just the reincarnation of an old Grecian philosopher.
Norty: No. No he does not. And I’m sure it could be proven, if the effort was put into it, that EH wasn’t original either. So, I ask again. Who keeps hiring this guy?!
Kern: The same people who keep Bay and Bruckheimer in business.
Norty: Soul-less blood suckers…
Kern: Please … they prefer to be referred to as “Soully Challenged”.

Sex and the City on Film?

The on-again off-again Sex and the City movie might be happening. More….

Norty: Just looking at Sarah Jessica, and you can tell her body is reacting negatively to the lack of soul.
Kern: Hey! She’s happily married to Matthew Broderick. Broderick has more soul than any three ordinary people. You can tell because he did Inspector Gadget and still has the chops to do Broadway.
Norty: True enough, and hey, Kim Cattrall has been able to..erm…do a Disney skating movie. Well, working to shed the image I guess. The image she’s about to get….again….hrm.
Kern: Image, shmimage. Let the residual checks ROLL on in!
Norty: Meh. The idea of seeing some of them on the big screen….even remotely just….meh. Cathrine Davis though, she can grace my screen any time, any place.
Kern: Man, you can’t be bothered to scroll up six lines and copy her name correctly?!
Norty: There are four women in Sex and the City, Kerny….

Sequel to Spawn Still Happening

Todd McFarlane, creator of Spawn says that plans for another film version are still ongoing. McFarlane basically says the new movie will be about as close to the first one, which starred Michael Jai White and Martin Sheen, as black is to white. More….

Kern: If McFarlane wants to do a really scary movie, he should do one about a crazed, egomaniacal artists who blows all his money on A FRIGGING BASEBALL.
Norty: Bitter about someone’s real life decisions eh Kern. What would you blow your money on?
Kern: An enormous bribe to McFarlane to stop making insipid comics, stop making ridiculous action figures and FOR THE LOVE OF DOG, STOP MAKING MOVIES.
Norty: But you know Kern, I was under the impression you liked the first Spawn.
Kern: No, i said, “i love to spawn.” As in, “i like sex.” i am also looking forward to fathering offspring, the general consensus being that such children would, indeed, be demonspawn.
Norty: Interesting. Would these demonspawn support more McFarlane movies in the future?
Kern: i’m kinda hoping they’ll grow up to be the scourge of such drivel…
Norty: I don’t have such high hopes. They’ve been dashed by such news as a Spawn sequel and your non-stop mom jokes.
Kern: Some people consider my yo mama jokes inspirational…
Norty: Some people consider a Spawn sequel or a Sex in the City movie a good idea. Some people suck.
Kern: OH, man! They could get Paul W.S. to do Spawn vs. Sex and the City! Carrie and Big team up to do infernal battle with Spawn and the hordes of Hell! All seems lost until Miranda and Charlotte show up with their SuperBabies (© Bob Clark) and Samantha’s nuclear-powered RoboVag!
Norty: Very true. One thing though – wouldn’t Carrie et all be fighting with the hordes of Hell? Maybe I’m just nitpicking…..
Kern: You need to let go of your machismo, Robert Bly, and accept the fact that Sex and the City was a pretty darn good show.
Norty: To each his own, Kern. You think less of me for liking Jim Carrey, I think less of you for liking the demon Sarah Jessica….

Director Hired for Saw 2

Saw 2 will be directed by Darren Lynn Bousman. Production will begin in May in Toronto for a Halloween 2005 release. Bousman wrote the Saw 2 screenplay, which he developed with Leigh Whannel, writer and co-star of the original film, and James Wan, the first director. Details regarding the sequel’s plotline are being kept mum.

Kern: Fantastic. The only twist ending i’m looking for is the one where *i* wake up and it turns out that going to the theater to see Saw was just a dream…
Norty: You know, it’s interesting. Se7en, the obviously better movie, never saw a sequel. Saw, the subpar yet decent grossing movie, is getting a sequel less than a year later. Why do the suckass movies get to be allowed to continue to suck ass?
Kern: Uh … you do realize they’re making a sequel to Se7en, right?
Norty: They are? Since when?
Norty: All I see is one thing, mentioned in passing, in 2003.
Kern: i live my life based on rumor and innuendo.
Norty: Another reason you’re so twisted and bitter I imagine
Kern: Right behind talking to you, yes.
Norty: And seeing Saw 2, which I’m sure you will should you ever resurrect your column.
Kern: To paraphrase George Carlin …. i wouldn’t eff that movie with a stolen dick.
Norty: I would be very interested in a DMR of Saw 2, actually. And Beauty Shop, now that I think about it. Wonder why that popped into my head when I said DMR…
Kern: Because i’m pretty. Oh so pretty. i feel pretty and witty and … well witty, at any rate.
Norty: You’re in denial, I see. Acceptance is the first step towards happiness, Kerny.
Kern: i’m happy, you’re gay.

Hines to Join Williams in RV

Cheryl Hines (Curb Your Enthusiasm) will join Robin Williams in RV, a new comedy to be directed by Barry Sonnenfeld. Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel rewrote a script by George Rodkey. Hines will play the wife of an overworked man who tricks his family into going on an RV camping trip to Colorado, all while actually going there for a business trip.

Kern: The only thing i ever need to see Robin Williams in again is a Mork and Mindy reunion. And only that because Pam Dawber is hot.
Norty: I see. So, Robin Williams sucks too eh. Go ahead and say Robin Williams is as bad as Jim Carrey.
Kern: Heavens no. Carrey is a pale reflection of Robin Williams’ genius. That being said, i don’t feel the need to actually read Einstein’s Theory of Special Relativity.
Norty: I don’t follow. Are you ripping Williams up or no?
Kern: Well, that’s for me to nanoo nanoo and you to find out.
Norty: Well, I love most of his work. I find it incredibly funny and these days I’d watch him in almost anything.
Kern: You strike me as a big Patch Adams fan.
Norty: Actually no. I saw it when I was a little kid but other than that, it never really stood out to me.
Kern: Liar. You’re just ashamed to admit it.
Norty: Yeah yeah. Speaking of ashamed….

Trailer of the Week: Fever Pitch

The Plot: A contemporary romantic comedy about a high school teacher who meets and falls in love with a successful businesswoman. Although their lives are vastly different, the relationship seems perfect until the baseball season begins and she has to compete with his first true love: the Boston Red Sox.

The Link: Here
The Analysis:

Shaun “I Stand Alone” Norton: What can I say, you send out the feelers, and sometimes no one responds. McCullar proposed the idea, but I couldn’t get his thoughts on it. Sorry. For those who read the Tease column, it’s pretty much the same here. It looks like a wonderfully funny/emotional romantic comedy, and that’s always good for the genre. I’m willing to give Fallon another chance after Taxi, and the trailer makes me feel like I’d even put up with Barrymore here. It has potential to really be awesome, and the trailer is funny, so we’ll see on this one.

Reviews We Sit Through – For You!

The Ring Two – I reviewed this one, and having to supress the Ring fan in me to write an unbiased review was hard. That’s all I’ll say…that and the hunt for a really great new horror film is still on. That doesn’t totally count as pimping myself right? Oh hell, just go read it already.

Ice Princess – “Just because Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff don’t have time to play a role doesn’t mean it’s notable.” I don’t normally quote from the reviews to sum them up, but man did ole Scotty Sawitz sum this one up. Good job, though I think he might have given it a higher score than it deserves. ^_^

The Upside of Anger – Mr. Sawitz, in another excellent review, shows that maybe I put too much in my “The Pulse” section. He keeps it short and sweet, writing about a surprisingly good movie. Check it out.

Guess Who – Ryan Closs makes me envious. Not because he reviewed this cliche movie, but because he reviewed a film in advance. What a champ. Check out his review to figure out if this is a film you’ll be seeing this weekend.

dot the i – Arturo Garcia finds himself some nice gems, and this week is no exception. He keeps it short and sweet, basically demanding that people find this awesome movie. Well, not demanding, but, you know. Ah, just read him already.


Finding Neverland – Travis Leamons also gets an advanced copy of a film this week, and boy is it a good one. All it takes is some imagination, they say. Check out the review for this awesome movie finally on DVD.

The Motorcycle Diaries – Michaelangelo McCullar gives this film a perfect ten. A ten – from the man who watches perfect movies every week. That should tell you something right there. Go read what he calls ‘the best road movie ever made.”

We Even Do Columns!

Your favorite Canadian and mine, Brendan Campbell, reviews last weekend’s box office, which saw The Ring 2 dominate. As usual, you can expect a preview of this coming weekend from him sometime on Friday.

Gah. Brad Torreano delves into the world of Japanese Cult Film, and I just stare at the screen dumbfounded. Seriously, Mondo Culto XVI is one of the most awesome columns he has written yet, if not the most awesome. I like the word awesome I guess. Go read him, and read him now. Not for the weak of heart! **Or Stomach**

Rob Sutton continues his prep for War of the Worlds this summer with part four of his journey, The Greatest War Film Ever. People bash Spielberg and ask me, what’s so good about his movies? I say, look at Private Ryan. They say back so what? Tell me about it. And I never could – they just had to experience it. Kudos to Rob for doing such an awesome job telling everyone why this movie is so great.

Tal just gives readers a little taste with his Reel Talk this week. And that’s okay – everyone needs to juggle real life now and again. And again. Trust me – I know.

Brad Torreano also claims to be low on time this week and says it has an impact on his Mondo Culto. This column, focused on the two most awesome punk rock musicals ever, is pretty detailed and overall awesome that I’ve come to expect and anticipate from Brad. Good man, he is, if this is a column effected by the real world.

Rob Russo entertains and educates everyone with his look at biopics in Setting the Trend. My apathy to Citizen Kane aside, Rob does a fantastic job with his column this week. He gets the Norty seal of approval.

McCullar gives you another )Perfect Flick this week, looking at the AWESOME Japanese horror/thriller, Battle Royale. See, I find it hard, usually, to rip on him when he covers such great movies, but this week I think I can easily say the man is jealous. It must hurt him to realize I pump out two columns weekly, be as late as I want *Which I don’t chose to be, by the by* and STILL be loved and adored by all the movie readers out there. Jealousy gets you no where, Mr. Mike, and gives me nothing but joy. Keep it up! ^_^ I have other, silly dirt on him, but that’s mine for now. **Ahem** Anyway, go read his column – the movie he picks is really pretty fantastic.

I also write a column on trailers. Everybody loves trailers, right? Check it out if you like trailers and to be kept up to speed on what opens this weekend, DVD releases, and the newest trailers on the web.

The End

Well, that’s a wrap. Thanks for sticking with me, as usual, and again, Happy Easter to those who celebrate it, and a great weekend to everyone else.

Until Next Time…

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