The Double-Team Short Form, 03.24-25.05

Oh, my, what a pleasant week. Not being able to move ten feet from a toilet on Wednesday and Thursday was a real thrill. However, it did give me time, in between trips, to revise my federal resume in preparation for doing my promotion papers. In fact, why I’m doing this instead of them right now baffles me. Must be my sense of duty to my audience overriding the fact that I’m preparing to advance my career. Not to mention the fact that I still have a lot of time to get my promotion papers completed. So here I am at five in the goddamn morning on Saturday starting this shit…actually, it was cool, because I went to bed at five in the afternoon on Friday. Hey, I was trashed, what can I say? Well, two more weeks on day shift, and then I’ve got that week off I’ve been looking forward to for a while now. Now I’m wondering exactly how much it’s going to cost me in gas to get the Damn Vaninator from here to Chicago and back. Overtime? Sure, I’ll work it!

Oh, but enough about me. We have some screencaps to do, not to mention the shows that go with them. Pills swallowed and coffee in front of me, so let’s delve right into it…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

High-Quality Speaker Boy over Scotty Go Potty (Pinfall, Clothesline From Hell): Oh, my f*cking God…do I really have to describe this? Squash, squash, squash.

A meeting of the mindless

Looks like someone wants to get revenge for being Wormed

Rey-Rey y Eddy over Charlie Haas and Bob Holly (Pinfall, Guerrero pins Haas, frog splash): Pretty much a tag-by-numbers match for Guerrero and Mysterio. They got their spots in, Holly and Haas let them do it, blah blah blah. Nothing really interesting or innovative except for the boost ‘rana. That’s a minor mark-out moment.

Guess that the only way to promote an interbrand match is to interrupt a tag title defense

So Holly can do a dropkick. That’s more Thurman “Sparky” Plugg.

Holly gets a suplex off on Rey-Rey

And there’s Haas with one of his trademark submission restholds

Dawn Marie over Michelle McCool, Catfight (Pinfall, rope-assisted roll-up): Well, at least this time they actually labeled it a catfight. Yet another prep for the ECW PPV. So who do they bring in for Dawn Marie to fight with? Beulah? Kimona? Alfonso? We want to know!

To the fourteen-year-olds of all ages in the audience: this is NOT lesbian porn, so put it back in your pants

Assault with a deadly restraining wall

And look who gets to ref the women’s match again

Booker T versus Rene Dupree (Matchus Interruptus courtesy of the Undertaker): Well, he threatened, and Dupree was the obvious target, and…actually, there was a decent match going at the time here.

Why does Booker keep talking about retiring when he can do moves like this?

In France, they call a sacrifice “un sacrifice”

Angle Developments:

Jack Off: Trying to turn over a Jeep is possibly the stupidest way I’ve ever seen to pimp a sumo match, or for that matter any match, at Wrestlemania. It’s not the worst example of Fun With Jeeps we’ve seen; hell, it’s not even the worst example of Fun With Jeeps that we’ve seen involving TBS (Cobo Hall, anyone?…but that was monster trucks…well, close enough). But this is supposed to be Wrestlemania, folks. Pimps are not supposed to let dignity fly out the window like this, especially after all the effort they’ve put in with the movie stuff. Just wait until Akebono shows up next week, and pimp it from there. Sumo matches usually last an average of three to four seconds anyway, so not much pimping’s required.

If I made a Mutt and Jeff reference, would anyone know what that meant?

Luther Reigns does not deserve to drive something as cool as a black Jeep

Now this is just plain silly

This, however, is not

That isn’t the camera angle, folks; that Jeep is jacked up for an easy turnover

If you can’t tip it over, Goldberg it

Ah, there we go

Now This Is A Proper Pimp: Angle digging up Sherri? Shit, if she’s there, why not have her come out with Booker too? She was Harlem Heat’s manager as well. If she’s on a one-night, then get some use out of her. Just don’t sign here like WWE did with Jannetty. For all our sakes.

Does this mean that Angle’s a born-again Christian too?

Boy, has Sherri Martel gone downhill. There’s nothing worse than an old skank.

Who let the dogs out?

Well, at least she can still scream in pain

Just An Excuse To Get Them To Do What They Do Best: Yeah, I love to close out a show with a debate, especially once that features Cena acting as nasty as he can without having to touch High-Quality Speaker Boy. This was too damn goofy for words, and it occupied fifteen minutes of precious time that could have been given to the cruisers or something. But, hell, it’s less than two weeks before Wrestlemania, so they have to do something “interesting”. Oh, screw it.

High-Quality Speaker Boy and Linda try to reassure the shareholders that WM will be a success

Looks like they’re about to break out into “Suspicious Minds”, the suspicion being that there’s one mind between these three

Yeah, I’ve had this done to me. Inspectors lead dangerous lives.

Now this I haven’t had done to me

Would Mister Blackwell accept the chain being under the tie?

Is that his jawbone or a hickey?

Betcha this hat is dry-clean only

At least it wasn’t Fat Elvis…and I typed that before Tazz made a similar remark

Apparently Elvis can’t leave the building

Won’t Jeff Jarrett sue for Gimmick Infringment?

Isn’t it a little late to put this match on the card for WM?

While waiting for Impact to finish downloading, I was able to finish my promotion papers. Thank God I was sick on Thursday, because I took advantage of having to be less than ten feet from a bathroom to revise my federal resume (I just had to remember which e-mail account I initially created it with, which was a bitch considering all the goddamn moves I’ve made). Putting in all that work made the promotion papers mostly a cut-and-paste, but it was still a bitch enough to take me three hours to complete. All I can say is, whoever invented fillable PDF files, I want to have your babies. Now on to Impact…

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Trytan over Buck Quartermain (Pinfall, T-3, Time of Match: 2:08): Well, we all wondered who’d be fed to Trytan in his first Impact match…well, actually none of us did, nor did we care. We lost all ability to care the moment that Dennis Knight subsituted for him during the Monty Brown match. What did interest me is the big “f*ck you” that TNA gave to Brock Lesnar. Trytan’s using a slightly-renamed F-5 as his finisher. That shows what a nasty spirit that TNA has underneath the “we’re all nice and happy and the alternative to WWE” facade.

Trytan gets to show his power

What would a big man be without a Big Boot?

Shocker and Jeffykins over Lex Lovett and David Young (Pinfall, Shocker pins Young, Shockwave, Time of Match: 5:01): Tenay actually described this as “a very special tag match”. On what planet? “Special” and Jeffykins go together like peanut butter and 10-W30. How in the hell do you blow a back body-drop like he did? Skidded over Young’s back and flopped over like the dead fish that he is, with zero elevation. And they gave this shit five minutes on top of that. Please end my suffering now.

Jeffykins goes for David Young’s crotch. What a surprise.

At least Shocker goes for the throat

Mexicans, especially Mexican women, should never go blond

Damn, Shocker does a great flying elbow

How humiliating must it be for Jeffykins to have to sell a David Young dropkick?

Ron and Don Harris over Shark Boy and Cassidy Riley (Ron Harris pins Riley, H-Bomb, Time of Match: 3:33): I absolutely hate it when I can’t enjoy a match because I have to pay attention to which f*cking twin is in there at what time. I’m at least glad that Shark Boy got a little offense in. And he must have had fun biting Traci’s ass. And God bless Traci, she sold the bite during the Page promo segment.

Cassidy Riley prepares his “deer in headlights” look

According to West and Tenay, this is Ron Harris. How the f*ck can they tell those two apart?

Now there was a tag, so this is Don Harris. I think.

Memo to Ron Harris: Get your action where you can, bud.

Apolo over Sonny Siaki (Pinfall, rollup, Time of Match: 3:29): Is Siaki officially a jobber now? Or is he more of a JTTGGABP (Jobber To The Guys Getting A Big Push)? Apparently, no, because jobbers don’t get mic time with Kid Kash.

A good bitchslap is always welcome

Told you so

At least Siaki can still sell

Just because Apolo can do a knife-edge chop doesn’t make him Chris Benoit

James Storm and Chris Harris over Big Bruno and Big Till (DQ, Canadian-ference): Look at the Angle Developments section, first entry. I think that answers my question about having Phi Delta Lardass in the ring for a main event.

Big Bruno’s the guy with the full blond hair, Big Till has the streak job. Just in case you can’t tell the difference, or care about the difference.

Chris Harris has to sell a double-team from these guys. Ouch.

Thank God, Harris gets some offense in

You know, Batista is working so hard to get that “thumbs down” thing over. Don’t steal his thunder.

Angle Developments:

Is This Shit Still Going On?: First they bring the Harrises back together. Now they’re playing teasy-weasy with the New Age Outlaws. There’s always the threat of the Hardy Boys coming in thanks to Matt’s “I can’t take someone else f*cking Lita” public angst. Are they out of people to feed to AMW? And they broke up XXX for this shit? Unbelievable.

This isn’t an image we needed to see

Of course, there are worse possibilities than a Hardy Boys reunion. Here’s one of them.

For Christ’s Sake, Every Week?: How much money are they paying Page anyway that they feel compelled to have to use him to do some kind of promo every week? Look, we know they did it in WCW, but we’re all aware of the details of Page’s sweetheart deal with his neighbor Bischoff. He’s being paid a lot less now, so you don’t have to imitate WCW, Jeff. And Memo To Page: it’s “Six Sides Of Steel”, not “Six Walls Of Steel”.

Another image we didn’t need to see

And you don’t need to see me until Tuesday. So h
ave a good weekend, everyone, and enjoy yourselves.

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