The Midnight News 03.28.05

Comments and a lot of them

1) Hyatte, I’ve been reading you for a long long time. Since I was a teenager, in fact. I’d guess about seven years. Not since the beginning, but close enough. Long enough that I laughed at the “Freakboy’s Big @$$ Column” reference. We’ve spoken on IM a time or two, and maybe emailed a couple of times, I’m sure, but I don’t expect you to remember me. The point is, I like your column. I like all of your columns. I’ll read whatever crap you write, because I’m bored like that.

This recent shit with Grut and the people on the forums is really bugging me, man. Not because I find it boring (although I kinda do), but because it really seems to be upsetting you. Just relax man. I don’t read the forums because it’s primarily a bunch of fags and little kids, and from what I can tell, you’re neither one of those. You’re just a good writer. Do what ya do, man. I like when you write stuff. I mean, I guess pain brings creativity, so you’ve got that going for you.

Bill

No, YOU relax! I am NOT upset.

Christ… nothing over the past few weeks has come close to upsetting me for real… in fact, I’ve never been more cheerful lately.

2) What’s a blog?

M99

You’re better off not knowing.

3) hyatte, what happened little buddy? did someone finally get your goat? what i find funny is you have yourself dilluted enough to believe that these people have
quieted down because of your cute little breakdown. if i was this chaos guy, i would totally shut up too. not out of fear of ‘TEH ALM1GHTY FUKKIN HYATT3’ but because it’s funnier to watch you meltdown.

what happened to your relevence? it seems it went out the window with your imaginary internet girlfriends.

the rise and fall of the monday night wars was good, the rise and fall of the iwc was sad, the slow meltdown of FUKKIN HYATTE is going to be pure gold

good times

Steven Mores

Oh yeah, they’re imaginary. Heh.

Indeed… watch me “melt”… yup. I’m gonna melt down over a fag in my forums that I could have tossed out in a second if I really pushed Widro.

Oh yes… I’m cracking.

I will melt under the flame of a letter that looks written by a retarded 2nd grader.

4) Did I just read you admitting to having an internet girlfriend? Holy f*ck thats pathetic. I’ve lost some respect for the column, you tool. Unless you were 12 years old 3 years ago its still pathetic

Nate Weber

Actually, it’s the future of relationships, dunce. It’ll be as big a part of culture as the Internet in general is.

It’s simply a way to meet MORE PEOPLE THAN YOU CAN IN REAL LIFE!!

It’s also worthless if you or she isn’t willing to move to where you/she is.

And try not to use “pathetic” twice in one letter, makes you look like a moron.

5) I would deff not kiss you

Luke

What if I promise heavy tongue?

6) You’re above this forum nonsense.

Seriously.

Above. It.

Greg

Yup.

7) To chime in with all the other people who wrote something in your last Midnight News…

I actually WRITE for IP and I don’t read anybody besides you and Gloomchen, hell I don’t even read articles I get asked to say a couple of words in. Just don’t really give a f*ck about everyone else

Bored IPwriter

Well, I HOPE you read your OWN columns!

Is this PK?

8) Nice Scherer pic. Now we know what Hitler’s kids would have looked like. Nice workout regimen as well, if you are a teenager. Dave-o looks like the guy who can’t even lift the weights off the bar if I forget to take them off. Notice you don’t see the lower body? If I was as jacked as he claims to be I would be walking into WORK with no shirt. He would be the man for those romance covers, if they were written by Betty Crocker or Sara Lee….I bet a blowup doll with a carrot for a nose could pleasure a girl better then Chef-Boy-Are-You-Fat….

John M. King

He’s a tool, yes. A fat, dippy tool.

And finally…

Fake Trish Stratus: All that stuff in mid news is kinda lame :/
Hyatte1com: what MidNews stuff?
Fake Trish Stratus: The feuding with message board people stuff
Fake Trish Stratus: It’s kinda immature
Hyatte1com: I know… but the kids love it
Fake Trish Stratus: I guess

Which, of course, means the war is about to end… can’t risk losing this one… she’s a hottie in her own right…

And is also fooling more people than you could possibly imagine.

Doesn’t matter… that Chaos imbecile is quietly posting away in the forums hoping to God I don’t come back and Grut “quit”… all is quiet and no one is f*cking with me… which is what I want.

Moral of the last two weeks: 1) You can’t take me so don’t even try and 2) Some people really, REALLY shouldn’t “blog”. They just can’t handle the pressure.

Oh, and 3) if you meet someone online named “Amanda”, make sure she isn’t my Amanda.

I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News… it’s EASTER… or, as the Jews call it, “Next time, make SURE the bastard is dead… and let’s STOP sticking them in caves! Bury or BURN them… f*ck, if we checked his damn pulse we could’a saved ourselves from CENTURIES of persecution! Oy!

Let’s do this… I’m jammed packed!

IN-DEPTH SMACKDOWN REPORT

You DO realize that THIS Thursday, Kurt Angle, if he’s properly covering HBK’s career, will be riffing on the famous Montreal Screwjob…

And THAT will be a trip.

Oh, and my man who spoiled the Smackdown results first a week or so ago, Kevin Malton, asked me to Plug His Message Board. I’ll tell you what, there is no one named “Chaos” there.

Anyway…

WHO SPOILED THE SPOILERS FIRST!!

WEDNESDAY March 23, 2005: 10:31 AM: Uh oh… signs of deep, deep trouble as Dave Scherer sends out THIS alarming message:

Speaking of reports, we still haven’t gotten a report from last night’s Smackdown taping. If you went and can send a report, please do so to me at dschererpwi@aol.com.

Uh oh… but since he left his e-mail… and since he’s LOVES to answer nasty questions with major dismissiveness and amazing arrogance… you MIGHT be tempted to ask him one or ALL of the following:

-Who are you again?

-What site does Meltzer write for?

-If you’re so good, why don’t you write for the Torch?

-How scary is it that Bruce Mitchell is a much better writer than you, given that Mitchell sucks major cock and is a school teacher.

-Why is your mustache colored red while your hair is gray?

-You ever get laid?

-Do you sweat as you sleep?

-What kind of asshole are you?

-Are you trying to be the Web writer who can beat everyone up, tough guy?

-Who is Trish Stratus dating?

-How many inches is your cock?

-I bet I can f*ck your wife. Wanna see if I can? $100.

-Still delivering Coke?

-Do you wipe the gallon of sweat off the treadmill after you walk on it for 10 minutes?

-Who wrote this: Dave Scherer has been covering the business of professional wrestling for the past decade. After writing for various publications in the early 1990s, Dave started “The Wrestling Lariat” newsletter in June of 1995. Over the next few years, the Lariat grew steadily and became one of the must-read publications for those in and around the wrestling business.

In August of 1997, Dave was approached by Bob Ryder to become a part of the new website 1Wrestling.com. Ryder wanted the name value of Dave and the Lariat to be one of the draws for the new website, and the two joined forces. Dave worked at 1Wrestling.com as columnist, reporter and webmaster until January of 2004 before deciding to branch out on his own and start this website.

Dave’s extended network of contacts and ability to consistently break the top stories in pro wrestling has made him a must-read for anyone who follows the wrestling business online. Dave’s column, “The Daily Lariat,” quickly became a favorite of cyberspace’s wrestling fans around the world and will now be featured here on PWInsider.com.

Also during Dave’s time at 1Wrestling.com, he was a staff writer for the now-defunct WOW and ECW magazines. He also penned the Saturday pro wrestling column at the New York Daily News for two years. And he was the webmaster for the Extreme Championship Wrestling website until the company ceased operations in 2001.

Dave’s combination of reporting skills, humor and ability to succinctly analyze the trends and patterns of today’s wrestling business allow for him to pen informative and entertaining pieces for the readers of PWInsider.com. for your website? Was it you, you f*cking loser? I bet it was you.

-Will you murder anyone who doesn’t respect your greatness?

-Al Isaacs knew when to quit, why can’t you?

Just a few questions for him…

WEDNESDAY March 23, 2005: 12:27: PM: Some illiterate retard named “Michael” saves Scherer’s fat ass and sends him some BRIEF spoilers. 12 hours later than usual for this site. WHERE ARE THE RABID PWINSIDER FANS WHO THROW THEIR CHILDREN INTO TRAFFIC FOR THIS SITE? WHERE ARE THEY, DAVE????

WEDNESDAY March 23, 2005: no time given: Matthew Michael from this site slaps the spoilers up directly from PW Insider just seconds after Scherer pops them up. He’s annoying.

WEDNESDAY March 23, 2005: no time given: 411’s Ashish does the same, just seconds after IP steals the spoilers. Ashish is a great guy. We had a nice, fun, invigorating chit chat the other day….

Heh… let’s take a moment while various people do a double-take and re-read that last comment.

WEDNESDAY March 23, 2005: 04:37: PM: Meltzer… and was he PISSED… so pissed that he didn’t even BOTHER crediting anyone. No, he CALLED STEPHANIE MCMAHON PERSONALLY AND ASKED FOR THE SPOILERS! He may have given her phone sex too. Fuckin’ Meltzer. I hate him… I pray his dick is small and weak and shrivelled

THURSDAY March 24, 2005: 02:01 PM: With 6 hiours before the DAMN SHOW GOES ON, Joey Styles and 1wrestling beat the clock WITH SCANT MINUTES TO SPARE and get the spoilers up. Chances are Joey waited as long as he could, then just snagged them off Scherer’s site and re-wrote everything. Stay away from Styles for a while, kids… cuz’ he is pissed and HUMILIATED!!

Never March never, 2005: never: The Lords of Pain just couldn’t hang this week… no one loves them enough…

But they ain’t the bums of the week… THAT honor goes to…

Never March never, 2005: never: WADE KELLER AND THE PWTORCH HAVE OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCED THAT THERE WAS NO SMACKDOWN LAST WEEK! Nope, didn’t happen! We didn’t get spoilers and since Keller wouldn’t DREAM of surfing to other sites (“Sites? There are websites other than the TORCH?”) HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA YOU BALD ASS FAGOLA!! GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF BRUCE MITCHELL’S ASS AND DO SOME LEGWORK, YOU LOW-RENT HACK!!

I’m serious… Keller now devotes TONS of space carrying on about how awesome Bruce Mitchell is… how DEEP Mitchell is… how BRILLIANT Mitchell is…

I told Nash that Bruce is a hell of a writer who doesn’t hold back!“- Keller: bragging about his boy.

Hey, at least Widro NEVER sells me… I give him credit.

So to wrap up…

These bozos are NOTHING without your generosity… NOTHING! They NEED your charity!

Yeah, they are your RULERS…

Stupid ass marks. Every one of you.

WRESTLEMANIA PREVIEW

Legit now… I’ve never done this before. I’ve never did a straight preview of a PPV… the matches and my picks.

Why not? I’m smart.. and know shit… and have a good eye for this… and sort of an INSIDER. Let’s see how I do. Let’s see if I can impress you!

Rey Mysterio vs Eddie Guerrero:

Rey is scheduled for a heavyweight push, or at least a major push. Eddie is rumored to be going heel.

But in Wrestlemania, we always get at least one surprise swerve.

Rey turns heel and pins Eddie, Eddie needs some time off then a nice repackaging. Rey has been steady and reliable and once sold Nash! He might make for a fun Heel.

Rey wins this.

The Big Show vs Akebono: Sumo Match

Akebono cannot afford to lose face by letting Show beat him in a fake match.

The company needs Show strong. He’s a major player on the Smackdown roster.

I think this will be the one screwjob ending as Luther Reigns interferes and the match goes “no-contest”… or Reign’s will rig it so Akebono wins, the Akebono finds out what happened and beats up Reigns then shakes Show’s hand.

OR… Show, on the permission of management, shoots on Akebono and kills him. Sort of a revenge for Butterbean showing up all of wrestling by laying out Bart Gunn a few years back… but Japan is money for the house shows so the WWE will probably want to keep the Japs happy and paying.

Trish Stratus vs Christie Hemme: WWE Women’s Championship Match:

Christie will surprise everyone with what she pulls out of her bag here.

Stratus is simply the best female in the business right now. She can handle this loss.

Hemme pulls off the huge upset (I think even casual fans understand that LOTS of titles are changing hands tonight… so this upset shocker will get people talking and the marks groaning)

Hemme is the new champ for one month, then Stratus regains at the next Raw PPV.

The Undertaker vs Randy Orton

Six months ago, Vince might have sat the Taker down and talked him into finally putting over someone at the big dance…

Then Orton fizzled, and he seems to be on a mission to get himself and the company a nice, juicy sexual harrassment/assault lawsuit. Plus he’s getting shoulder surgery right after Sunday.

All signs point to Undertaker taking the kid to school.

Chris Jericho vs Shelton Benjamin vs Chris Benoit vs Christian vs Edge vs Kane: Money in the Bank Ladder Match (Winner gets a Raw title shot anytime within a year)

By the numbers: Jericho might not re-sign later this year and they seem to like him out of the title picture, Benjamin is a year away from going after the main event slot, Benoit has had his shot and either him or Jericho is probably going to Smackdown soon, Christian is the perfect mid-carder, Edge SHOULD be punished for stirring up the sort of shit he’s been stirring up. Kane is big and Batista is big and Vince does like his big men going at it.

Kane wins and is Batista’s first non-HHH challenger.

Kurt Angle vs Shawn Michaels

Pray to God Angle has a good night with all his parts working.

This WILL own the evening. This is Hogan/Rock, Bret/Austin, Benoit/Hunter/HBK, and even Goldberg/Lesnar.

I can’t see HBK losing, although Kurt is certainly worthy….

Extremely tough call… it’ll be the match of the night (IF Angle can handle it, and he’s up against one of the best workers in the world when it comes to protetction).

I’ll say Angle wins. It’s almost a dark horse pick, but Kurt with the “smart” upset.

JBL vs John Cena: WWE Championship Match

JBL is fun to watch and has his character down COLD…

But this is the night where the WWE hits the reset button and a fresh year of storylines begin.

It’s time for Cena to step up. Whether he can handle it will be decided on how long he gets to keep the belt.

Triple H vs Batista: World Heavyweight Championship Match

This will NOT be the match of the night, but it’ll be solid and good. Expect Flair to go ballistic outside.

To put it’s mark on the show, I see a double title switch. For the first time ever, BOTH Heavyweight titles change hands on the same night.

Of course, the Batista run won’t last TOO much longer… no way.

Roddy Piper & “Stone Cold” Steve Austin: Piper’s Pit

What? Piper gets stunned. The amount of selling he does for Austin depends on just how badly he wants “one more run” in the company. He cannot POSSIBLY be happy at TNA.

Unless Mohammed Hassan is due to get stunned. He’s either showing up here or showing up to give Hogan one more chance for an in-ring standing O.

It’s gonna be a great show… I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU NET ASSHOLES!! NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU MOAN ABOUT HOW LAME THIS LOOKS, IT’S GONNA BE A GREAT SHOW… WRESTLEMANIA USUALLY ALWAYS IS!!

BATTLEGROUND: THE STREETS OF LOS ANGELES

Hey kids… wanna walk the streets of L.A. passing out RASSLIN’ FLYERS???

Wanna hand over material explaining why some asshole let JEFF JARRETT be a world champion?

Wanna see how a low-budget rasslin’ company is gonna try to mess around with the WWE’s biggest, flashiest, grandest show OF THEM ALL???

Well then, read THIS…

TNA VOLUNTEERS NEEDED @ WRESTLEMANIA XXI!!!

Wrestlemania comes to The Staples Center in Los Angeles April 3rd!!!

That’s only days away! (Whoa… why am I telling you this?!?) I need volunteers to help us distribute materials to thousands of wrestling fans!!! Form teams of people to go out an permeate the city of L.A. and the Staples Center with TNA’s posters, flyers, stickers… anything we can get to you… And not only that! We need you to TELL EVERYONE about TNA!

It’s really easy. Send me an email to TNAStreetTeam@theechoplex.com with “WMXXI” in the subject line and tell me how many people are going with you, what you’re going to do, where you’re going to go… all the juicy details! And send me your mailing address so I can send you materials!

We’ll send you the materials you need, and all you need to do is show up in a crowd of wrestling fans, hand out materials, and let us know how it went! If you send us digital pictures, we’ll put them up on the site.

And we want to REWARD you for your hard work! We’ll send you some combination of the following: Destination X Posters, Lockdown Posters, a t-shirt, badge, stickers… plus we’ll tell EVERYONE what you did!!!

Travis

Travis…. TRAVIS!!

Did you know that almost NO ONE north OR west of the Mississippi River is named “Travis”?

Travis… ANOTHER INBRED HICK WORKING FOR TNA!!! WILL WONDERS EVER CEASE??

And what do you GET for forming an ARMY of fellow fans to hand out country fried rasslin’ paraphernalia and piss off the professional company trying to run a huge show properly and trying to make it a grand spectacle??? Posters, shirts, bumper stickers, and BADGES! So YOU can pretend to be a REAL TNA Security officer!!

Oh, and they’ll tell EVERYONE what you did? Who is everyone? EVERYONE!! Because THE WORLD will want to know about TNA!! THE WORLD!!

No money, of course… money is for suckers. Money is for those WWE people… MONEY?? Bob Ryder (TNA’s Director of Talent Relations) has to buy male hustlers… TNA needs to KEEP their money.

Stay off drugs kids and work for TNA for FREE!! Be a proud member of TNA’s Underground Renegade Squad… spend your Sunday getting people to CANCEL Wrestlemania and instead ORDER Lockdown it’s just like Nitro… except cheaper and with people you never cared about in 1998!

And NASH!!

And DDP!!

Here’s an idea from your old pal, Hy-Rate… if you’re thinking about hitting the streets of LA to get the TNA message out there… start in Compton!

Or just shoot yourself in the face.

Just sit at home and watch Wrestlemania… it’;s the reason why most of us are fans of this kooky sport. Don’t spend the day doing free labor and getting into arguments with WWE fans. Don’t listen to the hillbillies.

Don’t be a douchebag. TNA won’t be around much longer anyway.

Ridiculous

MY THREE STOOGES

Haven’t done this in a while…

I used to use this space to happily rag and make fun of three web guys: Rick Scaia, CRZ, and Scott Keith.

Well, CRZ is married, fat, and living harmlessly in Minnesota. He’s minding his own business.

And Scooter Keith is married, fat, and living harmlessly in Sask… Sask… one of those unHoly, Godless Canadian places. I maxed out on him with And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H. He’s minding his own business too.

Scaia… I’m not even sure he’s still around…

But every so often, he signs in online… and is immediately HARRASSED…

Hyatte, See, I thought you net people were all just good, friendly guys, but then this happened:

TI: Ricky, Hyatte says ur a fag, is this true?
TI: DON’T U SAY NO, U LYING SACK OF SHIT!

OORick signed off at 12:49 PM

TI: I knew it! Fag Boy!

User OORick is not available

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA…. I WANT MORE OF THIS!!

Oh, and as a nice CODA to a ruined friendship…

Toygoiu: NEVER FUCK WITH YOUR FRIENDS GIRLS!
VPJG: Yeah, I really boned the hell out of her. Learn what you’re
talking about before you write someone with advice.

Toygoiu: youre like judas man, if judas was a f*cking jew who f*cked
jesuses bitch.
VPJG: Judas was a jew.
Toygoiu: never thanked you for that one.
VPJG: It’s funny when a friend makes those jokes. It’s not funny
when a shithead like you does it. Go away.

Toygoiu: why, you gotta go write a livejournal blog thing about how
sad you are?
Toygoiu: bitch. girl. I bet you have man titties man titty boy.

Toygoiu: HEY! what sound does a jew make when he sneezes?
VPJG: Ahjew?
Toygoiu: nah, he doesnt have time to sneeze cause hes too busy
whining like a little bitch
VPJG: I’m going out. Die.

You have been disconnected. Sat Mar 26 22:52:05 2005

VPJG is… of course… Josh Grutman.

he doesnt have time to sneeze cause hes too busy whining like a little bitch… HA HA HA!! FUNNY.

Okay… enough of this… except to point out that Shadowridge117 is Chaos’ screen name… and I hear he’s ALWAYS on.

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously*

And just like that, you’re smarter than you were three seconds ago

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

The Easter Bunny?

Easter Bunny? The Easter Bunny? There ain’t none. What are you some sort of maniac? Fried rabbit, that’s what I tell the kids when we go to easter dinner. We got Ham, Steak, Burgers, Roast Beef, don’t matter. I tell them it’s fried rabbit and watch them freak. It’s a myth. Like the Tooth Fairy. Fuck him, her, whatever. Like Santy Claus. Myth like Jesus and the Bible. Myth! He wasn’t wrapped up on a Friday and woke up on a Sunday. Fairy tale. Myth. But the people eat that shit up. I was at church today and they were all there, listening to the Priest talk about Jesus and the lamb. Horseshit, I looked at the sacriment and tought about dropping acid. Same thing, both creates delusion. There are some sick f*ckers out there and most of them believe in God. Shit.

Flea: doesn’t fear God but fears the customs department at the Pearly Gates.

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

Is officially on hyattus… so I can re-work the gimmick and bring you…

THE BRAND SPLIT IS BETTER FOR YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of all these IDIOTS claiming that the Brand Extension should be discontinued and re-combined. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good reason why the Brand Extension is THE BEST THING THE WWE HAS DONE IN YEARS (other than hire Stratus), and why useless sheet writers like Wade “I sucked Kevin Nash off for a 6 hour interview” Keller and worthless net writers like Dave “I am SIGNIFICANT” Scherer have shown their TRUE “intelligence” by holding onto this cheap, rushed, complaining for the sake of complaining ideal.

Pay attention and you’ll understand why you dumb f*cking sheep are listening to morons.

The Brand Split Is Better For You Because…

You think re-combining the brands will actually make Triple H STOP those 15 minute promos?

THIS HAS BEEN “THE BRAND SPLIT IS BETTER FOR YOU” STARRING RAW AND SMACKDOWN! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

A LIVE MIC = DANGER

I need REPLENISHMENT here… more, more, and then some MORE!!

These are stuff that has been said on wrestling television… those in the know call them promos… however not everything I put here is a technical promo… some are just improvised comments… which are called shoots by those in the know.

Oh, and some of these may not be entirely true.

01): I think I’m cute. I’ve got gold medals.
I’ve got the moves that make them all tap out.
The Angle Slam, the Ankle Lock.
Marty Jannetty…still can’t walk.
I’m just the sexy Kurt.
I’ll make your ankle hurt.
I’m just the sexy Kurt.
I’ll make your ankle hurt.
That’s right Shawnie, eat your heart out.
Keep your hands off the merchandise.
– Kurt Angle: last week’s Smackdown

02): I can’t even see the action, a big cowboy hat is in my way!– Michael Cole

There is about to be a big cowboy boot in your ass if you don’t shut up!– Jim Ross!

03): And the Rock also knows damn well that in recent years the WCW title has come to…Diamond Dallas Page, Booker T, the guy from Scream 2, the dog from Married with Children, the maid from the Jeffersons! Shane McMahon, this WCW title is just like your sister – everybody gets a turn!– The Rock: Raw 2001

4) I heard the Godwinns were at the Mall and the power went out so they got stuck on the escalator for 2 hours!– Jerry Lawler: Raw ’96

05): Hyatte, I think we are going to have to do it like a bunch of times right away to get you trained up– Trish Stratus

06): When I come out here I hear you people’s snickering, laughing, rude comments! Well, I’m not defending my title tonight for you. You people are disgusting! So I’m leaving– Molly Holly

Dammit! Dammit, Molly is not going to defend her title. Our world is crumbling on Velocity!– Cole Velocity July ’02

07): Patterson is here. The parade must be over!– Jim Ross during a Pay Per View in Washington when the Gay Pride Parade was happening

08): Now before we so beat up the Dudley Boyz I just want to say greetings to all our fans in the Windy City. I guess they call it the Windy City because let’s face it this town blows! And like so many other cities in this nation, Chicago you have a serious case of the uglies– Christian

09): Hey, he speaks pretty well for a guy who just ate 2 lbs of crackers.– Bobby Heenan on Lou Ferrigno’s speach impediment: 80’s WWF TV

10): On your way to the hospital, boy, I just want you to ask yourself one question: Was the bitch really worth it?– Undertaker to Matt Hardy about LITA Smackdown ’01

Heh… think Matt has changed his mind since? Or is Edge the 100% bad guy in his mind?

The lesson through all this, people, is if you’re gonna cheat… DON’T GET CAUGHT!!

Anyway…. holding the anchor position this week is the most SURPRISING thing that has turned up in my inbox in a long, long while…

Guess who just showed up…

AN ATTACK FROM THE MCMAC

Him. Out of the clear blue. He’s back.

The story is as follows: about two years ago some cocksucker conned me into thinking that he was Tammy Sytch and she was into contributing stuff for my column…. and I fell for it because… well because I’m FUCKING HUMAN YOU DOUCHEBAGS!!

Anyway, turned out it was a scam and I spent a week with egg on my face, but talked my way out of it and back into your good graces (much to Judas Grut’s chagrin, who was hoping that this would ruin me forever) and things passed and we all moved on

(And the dude who was Tammy ended up at a small site… contributed next to nothing, became obsessed with some loser model named Bobbi Billard, and is now making posts on his own blog that might be the most depressing thing I’ve ever read.)

Then one day… I was tooling around online, minding my own business, when I get THIS Instant Message

WWEMcMac: I wanna be in your column
Hyatte1com: And you are?
WWEMcMac: Vince McMahon. THE Vince McMahon

Of course, I was careful. You only fool me ONCE, god dammit! So, I asked him a bunch of questions only the TRUE Vince would know and he answered one or two of them before getting irritated and saying: WWEMcMac: Look, it’s me! Now either let me send you something for your column on a regular basis or I’ll find some OTHER asshole to make famous!!

Guys… this is legit! And Jesus Christ, I can’t contain my excitement! It’s him! The REAL Vince McMahon! This isn’t like the last time, I SWEAR… I know better!!

Look, GODDAMMIT!! I’ve been doing this for YEARS now… I am A NET CELEBRITY!!! IS IT TOO MUCH OUT OF THE QUESTION THAT VINCE MCMAHON WOULD COME TO ME WHEN HE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY??? OF COURSE IT IS NOT!!!

And then, after a long time, he’s decided to contribute something new….

So LISTEN UP!!

Am Attack From the McMac

The Opponent, The Traitor, and You

Greetings my target market,

It’s been quite some time since I’ve graced this odious column with my presence. Normally I’d offer an explanation of some sorts, but quite frankly I’ve done nothing wrong. This is something totally optional that I did in the past strictly for you, the WWE fan. I’m sure Christopher’s eyes lit up when he saw this in his e-mail. Sort of like…seeing WrestleMania. Or opening gifts on Christmas, although I’m certain I know which one brings more joy to your drab, monotonous lives.

My new e-mail is vkm_wweinc@yahoo.com. For those who may insist on burdening me with inquiries on why I’d change e-mail addresses, I simply say this: I defeated the Federal Government. I defeated Ted Turner and WCW. If I want to change my damned e-mail address, I feel that I’m more than entitled. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I request that you sit back, take a deep breath, and get comfortable, because I have alot on my mind. However, I feel certain that you’ll enjoy the time spent reading.

First and foremost, thank you to all my fans who sent me various cards and well-wishes. As most of you know, I have been confined to a wheelchair for quite some time due to quadricep injuries, although I have now graduated to the use of crutches. Fear not, youngsters, for there is NO CHANCE IN HELL (pun intended) that something as minor as quadricep injuries will keep me from performing my duties as Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment. If anything, the pain is a reminder. A reminder that NOTHING in life is guaranteed and NOTHING in life is a sure-fire bet, not even your next step. When I think along these lines, one man comes to mind, and that man is Eric Bischoff. Eric had the audacity to go on line in 1997 bragging about how the ratings war was getting “boring”, and how he rarely got excited about checking them anymore. In other words, Eric took the ratings wars for granted. After 50, 60, 70 weeks of winning the ratings, Bischoff came to believe that there were three things constant in life: death, taxes, and WCW winning the Monday night television ratings. Needless to say, reality would eventually bite Eric harder than Marv Albert in a state of intense arousal.

This leads me into the heart of my article for this fine evening. First, I’d like to discuss 2 individuals who’ve had impacts on my professional career at different times. Individual #1 is the aforementioned Eric Bischoff, and Individual #2 is Vince Russo. Next, I’ll discuss YOU, the Internet sludge. So without any further adieu..

Eric Bischoff. The sound of that name used to disgust me beyond all imaginable belief. Make no mistake about it, even though Eric has been in my employ for nearly 3 years, he is not (and will likely never be) considered my friend. There were times I wanted to take a knife and just cut that son of a bitch’s throat, and use his blood to marinate Jerry Jarrett’s ribeye. As badly as I despised Eric, I can’t help but admire his ruthless methods to take down my company. After all, who was the first guy to portray the “evil boss” on TV? Who was the guy who took a power-bomb from Kevin Nash through a table (at a time when this would have been unheard of for a non-wrestling announcer) to set up the NWO angle? In fact, he and I have some similar traits. Unfortunately for Eric, there is a reason why he is the General Manager of Raw, and I am not the General Manager of Nitro. The reason? He feared the big payoff. What, you may ask?? THE Eric Bischoff who made millions of dollars for Ted Turner, and had WCW as arguably the number 1 promotion for at least 2 years while coming up with one of the most successful angles (NWO) in wrestling? AFRAID OF THE BIG PAYOFF? As contrived as it may sound, the answer is yes.

Picture if you will, Starrcade 1997. If I’m not mistaken, Starrcade was WCW’s laughable equivalent of WrestleMania. It was “the granddaddy of them all”. WCW had built up this enigma for over a year named Sting. My God, the pops that Sting got simply from repelling from the Heavens with his baseball bat (while never speaking) were deafening! In fact, I even caught the wrestling mark in myself wanting to blurt out DAMMIT DILLON, HE WANTS HOGAN!! (and if you don’t think I wasn’t watching Nitro replays or taped episodes back then, you are certifiably insane. Although now I own the entire WCW video library, and can watch them anytime I want!) Simply put, the storyline was huge, and was drawing a huge following.

So how does WCW book their epic long awaited encounter? By getting greedy and trying to stretch the feud out a few more months, while attempting to capitalize on the Bret Hart / crooked referee scandal stemming from Mr. Hart’s last match with my company via a “fast count” on Sting, causing the match to be restarted. This led to the WCW title being held up, and it resulted in ANOTHER Hogan/Sting encounter. As you might expect, the proverbial air had been deflated from the balloon by that point, and the fiery hype was now reduced to a mere candle flame. Bischoff used the biggest match in WCW history to take a cheap jab at the WWE. Fear of the big payoff. Could you imagine, for instance, me booking HBK vs. the red-hot Steve Austin at WrestleMania XIV to be some sort of contrived screw-job simply to appease HBK’s ego, only to have them do a re-match at the next PPV? That would have been the most FOOLISH thing I could have ever done. We certainly would NOT have won the ratings battle a few weeks later had we elected to go that route!

But Bischoff’s fear of the big payoff would only get more obvious as time went on. The Spring and Summer of 1998 gave us a sea-saw battle with the ratings, although the scale was tilted more so in the WWE’s favor. How does Easy E react to this? Well, rather than go for the BIG PAYOFF on a pay per view, Mr. Bischoff gave the fans Hulk Hogan vs. Bill Goldberg on the July 6, 1998 episode of Monday Nitro. And you know what? It worked! WCW won the ratings that week. But what was their main event for their July PPV, Bash at the Beach? Hulk Hogan and Dennis Rodman vs. DDP and Karl Malone. Do you see a problem here? FEAR OF THE BIG PAYOFF!! 4 years later, Eric would show up on Raw, as my employee. And I’m sure he can see why, when he sits back and cogitates on his past dealings.

Another former employee of mine went by the name of Vince Russo. Unlike Eric Bischoff, I actually liked Vince Russo….and I never let anyone close enough to me to consider them “like a brother”, but Mr. Russo was definitely “like a first cousin”. While Mr. Russo did wonderful things in the WWE under my guidance, things were obviously much different when he was able to exercise more control in WCW. I seem to remember him saying he was going to “beat Vince McMahon at his own game”. There was only one problem. You see, much like Bischoff, Russo was also afraid of the big payoff. Rather than build up a really effective storyline and delivering, Russo would build up about 5 different mini-storylines, and assume that the fans wanted to see this form of…..whatever kind of television it was that Russo was delivering. Could someone explain to me why I saw Scott Steiner turning on Kevin Nash and applying the Steiner Recliner one night, while seeing them teaming together a few weeks later? The problem with Russo was, he assumed fans wanted to see really quick turns for little-to-no reason.

Another problem with Russo involved his treatment of established stars. Regardless of his personal opinion of the WCW veterans that he inherited (the Hogans and Flairs), he should have simply played the hand he was dealt, and used these superstars to their full potential. Rather than doing so, he chooses to publicly boot Hogan from WCW, while calling Ric Flair “the shit on his shoe” and doing everything from breaking into his home to wearing his Nature Boy robes to cutting Ric’s hair. And where was the big payoff? Flair should have returned to give the fans what they wanted to see (a shitkicking distributed to Russo), but sadly that was never done. Ric has been back with the WWE for over 3 years now, and has performed admirably in the tasks assigned to him. Hogan came back and gave us the epic WrestleMania 18 match with the Rock, as well as the WrestleMania 19 streetfight with yours truly. Can you explain why I was able to utilize these seasoned veterans to the benefit of my company, while Russo felt as though he had no use for them?

Say what you want about Vincent Kennedy McMahon, but I strive to give the fans EXACTLY what they want. Some days it was Stone Cold giving me a stunner. Other days it was my son Shane beating the hell out of me. And it was even having my face shoved right up Rikishi’s derriere. Boys and girls, there are alot of things we can stage in this business, but there is very little you can do to buffer the effects of having your face pushed against a 400 pound man’s posterior. This leads me to my next point…

You Internet wrestling fans. Or the Internet Wrestling Community (IWC), as it’s come to be known. Most of you give the image of being seasoned wrestling fans who know the ins and outs of the business, while feeling compelled to critique the industry’s choice of title-holders and the “workrate” of wrestlers. This has led you to put down many of the heavy hitters in the industry, such as Hulk Hogan and (within recent years) HHH. Many of you get on line and complain if your choice of wrestler is not getting a heavy push. You all claim to know what you want.

Well you know what? You have no idea what you want, because I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. I know exactly what you want, before you even know you want it.

Case in point. One of the IWC’s golden boy’s of workrate, Bret Hart, was champion of the WWE late in 1997. If the truth be known, Bret was one of my favorite storytellers in the ring, and I enjoyed watching him work. Bret was a fine champion. This should have made the IWC rejoice! Ratings should have soared! But what happened?

I’ll tell you damn well what happened. You slimy larvae would switch over to Monday Nitro, and watch THEIR world champion, Hollywood Hulk Hogan! Yes, THAT Hulk Hogan……the one you all claimed to hate…the one who needed to retire. You TURNED THE CHANNEL FROM USA TO TNT!!!! So while Bret Hart was my champion, you were too busy going to school on Tuesday mornings, telling your friends that various things were “too sweet” and asking kids on the playground whether they were “WCW or NWO??” I won’t even get into the side points you’d do towards each other, mimicking Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, as well as the various other NWO hand gestures. WHERE WERE YOU BACK THEN, IWC??? I’ll tell you where you were….you were digging 30 bucks out of your mom’s purse to send off for an NWO T-shirt, that’s what you were doing! I ALMOST LOST MY DAMNED BUSINESS BECAUSE OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CLOSE I CAME TO LOSING IT ALL?? THIS IS MY LIVELIHOOD AND YOU RETCHED PIECES OF GORILLA EXCREMENT TRIED TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME BY WATCHING WCW MONDAY NITRO!!!!!!!!! DON’T EVER….EVER…EVER…EVER…EVER THINK I’LL FORGET WHAT YOU DID, YOU PUTRID, MALODOROUS BASTARDS!!!!

So when I made the brutal decision to part ways with Bret Hart, all of a sudden people seem to remember that there is a wrestling show on USA Network, and the IWC is LIVID at how Vince McMahon could do such a thing to someone of Mr. Hart’s caliber. I didn’t like it anymore than you did, trust me. Most of you probably even swore you’d never watch WWE Raw again! And what happened? Well, all we had to do was use a few 4 letter words, incorporate the middle finger into Mr. Austin’s gestures, and hold a few bikini contests, and we managed to suck you right back in. The sheep always come back to the pasture to graze! Again, I knew what you wanted the whole time, even before you did.

Feel free to e-mail me any comments or questions. I may read them..or I may not. If I do, I’ll post a few select questions in my next ATTACK (yes Christopher, you haven’t seen the last of me). Until next time, have a Happy and Blessed Easter Weekend.

And that’s my attack

VKM

…. yeah…

I don’t think this guy is the real one. Sounds different then the guy I used to talk to.

Maybe he’s still loopy. I’ll let him submit again and we’ll see.

I just hope the next one doesn’t suck that this one sort of did.

A FOR EFFORT tho’… sure, why not. A for effort.

Anyway, I’m just aboot done… I just would like to wrap this up with something nice… pleasant…. charming….

And something involving goofing on Canadians, hence the “aboot”.

Ready?

POINTLESS RACISM

1) Q: What’s different between a (CANADIAN) and a bucket of shit?

A: The bucket

2) Q: What do you get when you cross a (CANADIAN) and a (CANADIAN)?

A: Someone too lazy to steal.

3) Q: Why do (CANADIAN)s have big noses?

A: Air is free.

4) Q: What’s long, (CANADIAN), and smelly?

A: The unemployment line.

5) Q: What is a (CANADIAN)?

A: Proof that skunks f*ck monkeys

6) Q: What do you call a (CANADIAN) with a Harvard education?

A: (CANADIAN).

7) Q: What did the (CANADIAN) boy down the street get for Christmas?

A. Your bike.

8) Q: How do you stop an (CANADIAN) from drowning?

A. Take your foot off his head.

9) Q: What do you do when you see a headless (CANADIAN) running towards you?

A. Stop laughing and reload.

10) Q: Why do the people in (TORONTO), throw their garbage into the gutters?

A. So the (NEWFIES) can have breakfast in bed.

HAW HAW HAW!!! HYATTE RULES!!

AHHhhhh…. that last one was for Canadians to enjoy… I THINK I have it right. I love your country actually… might move there one day if things go my way. We’ll see.

And I’m DONE…. next week is Wrestlemania and I’ll be here. What will I do? Anything special planned?

Oh… maybe.

Figure it out or just wait ’till next week.

This is Hyatte

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