Monday Night Rabble

Hey kids – we are back.

Six days away from RabbleMania.

Six days away from a new bit for the Monday Night Rabble.

21 days until my birthday.

371 days until Wrestlemania 22.

…But now…
…Here…
…Is…

THE MONDAY NIGHT RABBLE!!!!!!!

Let’s get important business out of the way first.

The Monday Night Rabble would like to say a farewell to PK – as a 5 year legacy of recaps end. Good luck in all future endeavors.

YOUR FINAL ‘WAS IT BEN MORSE HINT?’
Since Royal Rumble I’ve been giving you guys hints to find out if the Conquistador who commented with the Rabble was indeed, former ‘The Median’ writer and Comic Afficianado Ben Morse. To enter the contest, you need to go into the forums and write whether you indeed think it was Ben or not. Those who guess correctly are put into a drawing for a prize! Yes, a legit prize.
THE FINAL HINT: The Conquistador loves Superboy.
CONTEST ENTRIES CLOSE AT 8PM SUNDAY NIGHT

And now, the picture of us!

Hey.. wait.. that’s not a picture of us. (Like any of them have been) That’s the introduction to the new bit coming to the MNR. I’d like to thank Chaos (Forum mod, and good guy – no matter what you’ve read elsewhere) for the idea. If you ever read Jay Bower’s old columns, you might have an idea as to what’s coming. Debuting at the RabbleMania report.

We are in Fort Worth Texas… well not really – WE are in Somerville, NJ. THEY are in Fort Worth. Tonight though, Christie vs. Trish in an arm wrestling match. Michaels vs. Hassan. And Batista in a Face-Off?!?! versus Triple H.

Starting though is Chris Jericho with the Highlight Reel.
“Curtain Jerkin’ Jericho!” – Hernandez.
“STARTING IN A RECORD 3 MINUTES.. GEEZ!” – Me

Jericho pimps out how he was the first ever Undisputed Joint title holder. He’s been the champion. He knows it. He’s felt that before. He craves it. (Insert White Castle joke here) Tonight he introduces his first (out of two) guests – Chris Benoit!

“Have you ever thought that these guys are paid to wear spandex.” – Hernandez
“…” – The room.

His second guest, the Intercontinental Champ, Shelton ‘Laura’s Boyfriend’ Benjamin.

Now these three men, so says Jericho, have a mutual respect.. they are..
“Faces.” – Hernandez

..friends. Jericho will have no problem taking either of them down. Last year, Benoit won the title last year – he’s hungrier than anyone else (It IS a White Castle night..). Now Benjamin thinks that he’s not only hungry, he’s the only man who HASN’T had the belt in this ring. He’s STARVING.
“Frigging Kraft Services” – Me.
“He’s Ethopian?” – Hernandez.

Interruptus via Captain Charisma in his El Mariachi outfit with Tommy Tonka. He explains that not only are these guys not hungry.. they are full.. of crap. The ‘joy boys’ sit and talk smack, but Christian apparently has TWO Wrestlemania Ladder match wins. And that means.. here comes!!!

EDGE! Because HE also has two ladder match wins. This year he’s making his ‘3rd win’. So Edge, looking completely strung out tonight.. pissed.. upset…
“Lita broke up with him.” – Eric.

But he’s willing to break some more necks tonight. Benoit has heard enough and goes after Edge. That causes some ruckus as all hell breaks loose…

COMMERCIAL
-Pick on the MONEY IN THE BANK match?
ERIC – Kane
JENNA – Shelton Benjamin
HERNANDEZ – Edge
LAURA – Benjamin! He’s just sexy!
ME – I will go Y2J, because I mark for him… it won’t BE him, he’s who I want.

We’re back and they’ve declared an impromptu tag match… 3 man rules.

Y2J, BENJAMIN, BENOIT vs. CHRISTIAN, EDGE, TOMKO

We come in with Jericho and Christian in the ring.. HUGE verticle suplex from Jericho with the cocky pin. Two and a tag to Shelton. Shelton throws some hits, headlock, and a back and forth – Shelton going for the shoulderblock and a 2 count. They fight to the corner and Christian tags Tomko. Tonka throws him into the corner, but Shelton fights his way out – but Tonka with a HUGE HUGE Chokeslam that, if not sloppy, looked evilly good. 2 Count.
“Tomko wants to get a tattoo that says ‘If you can read this – you’ve been pinned'” – Hernandez
“Nobody would read it!” – Eric

Tyson tags in Edge – they fight a bit, and in comes Christian. Christian keeps Shelton to the mat, a few 2 counts. The crowd is now pulling behind Shelton. Shelton makes the tag to Benoit, but in classic heel fashion, the ref missed it. Now Benjamin is in trouble in the corner and he’s back in with Edge. Desperation move from Shelton gets him the hot tag to Benoit.

Benoit hits everyone with huge snap suplexes.. (Supli?) The ring is cleared and he gets the sharpshooter on Edge, but Christian runs and stops it. He gets 3 Germans in exchange (and bangs his head against the mat a lot… owwwwwww) Benoit climbs to the top, Tonka stops him. He continues to climb.. Edge stops him with a punch to the face that rips open his face right above the eye. Edge hits a suplex, and Benoit is NOT looking ok.

COMMERCIAL

We’re back in and it was apparently Tomko who broke open Benoit with a horrible headbutt when Chris is on the buckle. Frigging Tomko. Hernandez makes an Elizabeth Bathory reference for me.. but since Christian isn’t a virgin girl – it’s only slightly apt.. either way, Benoit looks destroyed. He does fight out of a pin fall, and gets propped onto a turnbuckle. He fights Christian out of it and hits the headbutt.. and sells it like a champ!
“OWIE OWIE THAT STUNG THAT STUNG THAT STUNG!!!” – Me

Benoit hits the hot tag to Jericho and the Jericho hot spot fest, the double rope dropkick. Edge comes in to spear Jericho, but gets out of the way so Edge spears Tomko. Benjamin goes to kick Edge, but hits Benoit as Edge ducks. Christian grabs Edge and hits the Unprettier. Shelton gets booted by Tomko. Finally Jericho hits the Walls and wins it.. but all is for naught as the red light glows and the fire burns. HERE COMES KANE!

Kane comes in and clears the house with the ladder.
“Guys! I was just here to change a lightbulb!!” – Eric

He does so, the ring is a field of bodies, Kane sets up the ladder. Climbs it and hits the pyro.

WINNERS: Y2J, BENOIT, SHELTON
(If you really can call that a win…)

Hot match with a lot of botched spots, sadly.

COMMERCIAL
-Pick from the Rabble: REY REY vs. GUERRERO with the rumored heel turn.
HERNANDEZ – Rey Rey!
ERIC – Guerrero
JENNA – Rey Mysterio – he’s beat him before
LAURA – I have 9! philosophy classes I want to take next semester.. What was the question?
…Oh, Eddie Guerrero
ME – I go with Eddie on this one..

JR and Lawler are pimping Mania 21, and the votes for the trailers.. they show us the Harry Met Sally Trailer.. yay. That means sexy Christie moment.

!!!..then there’s the Angle slam.. he does MULTIPLE times…!!!
!!!…grabbing and twisting and grabbing and twisting and…!!!
!!!TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP BABY TAP WHO’S YOUR DADDY!!!

Backstage, Batista (in an awesome suit) is talking with Bischoff. Eric needs a promise that Dave will NOT hit Trips. He can’t deal with an injury. Dave with the line of the night – “Then Trips better not get injured.” Batista promises to not start anything, though.

Before Bischoff leaves, he wants to clear up that Dave thinks Eric is a car salesman. Dave wasn’t kidding. Dave also sees Eric as a Hollywood star – like in Pulp Fiction.. as the Gimp. I mark for Gimp References.

Walking to the ring is Christie and Lita… Lita is looking ripped!
“It’s all that humping Edge.” – Jenna

COMMERCIAL
-Rabble Pick – CHRISTIE vs. TRISH
ERIC – Christie
HERNANDEZ – Trish
JENNA – Trish, Christie doesn’t have it yet.
“That’s why they’ll give it to her” – Eric
LAURA – Trish, cuz she’s evil.
ME – I give it to Christie for the feel-up moment of the night.

During the Lugz ‘Boot Of The Week’ brought to us by ‘Birdman’ Hernandez and I start a Koko chant. Nice.

Heeeeeere comes Christie. Here comes Evil Trish, with nice hair action.

CHRISTIE vs. TRISH
Armwrestling blow off

Trish taunts Christie with the belt a bit, the ref gets all stuttery. I appreciate that.

They lock hands.
“OVER THE TOP!!!!” – Hernandez.

Trish pulls back before the match start to pump up her arm a little with the title. She does a Steiner arm kiss.

3… 2…. 1…. CHRISTIE WINS.

Did you read that? Yeah, that’s how long it took.

Trish wasn’t ready apparently. So she wants another shot.

3… 2…. 1…. CHRISTIE WINS.

Trish does the only thing she can think to do. Hits Lillian Garcia. Then kicks Lita. Christie blocks them like a good upstanding catholic girl that I fantasize that she is, and Trish laughs in her face and leaves.

Backstage is Randy Orton – and he’s coming on out.

COMMERCIAL
Rabble Pick – ORTON vs. UNDERTAKER
LAURA – Undertaker
ERIC – Undertaker (He doesn’t even say it.. he just knows I know it.)
JENNA – Undertaker
HERNANDEZ – Undertaker
ME – Undertaker

The first clean sweep of the night.

..oh hey.. stone cold will be at wrestlemania… *yawn*
..your stone cold moment: The Beer Truck, which I mark out a bit for seeing Rocky in his heel sideburns.

Here comes Mister Randy Orton – probably here to discuss how he beat the snot out of Stacy last week. Has anybody noticed that his opening video thingy looks like somebody just turned on WinAmp?

Last week he asked Stacy a question.
“How’s the mat taste?” – Me

He asked her if he could beat Undertaker… she hesitated.. he didn’t. So now you are either WITH Randy, or AGAINST Randy. He’s going to eliminate all distractions. All of Undertaker’s past opponents (albeit, Randy has confused past and future). Randy sees the future too. A plaque that says –
“Biggest Mistake” – Hernandez
“Sheryl Crow?” – Me

Oooo and Undertaker turns off the lights and counts down the wins of Undertaker.
Kane
Albert
Flair – WOOO
Triple H
Boss Man – you know.. where he died… they show the hanging, questionable taste there.
Kane
SID!
Diesal
King Kong Bundy
Giant Gonzalez – DOH!
Jake Roberts
Snuka

And the ‘0’ as they count down becomes the ‘O’ in Orton.

Another awesome video package. Holy crap that was great… and the ring polls explode in fire… no seriously.. the turnbuckles are ON FIRE!!!! Orton sells fear like an SOB, and a great moment was made. Awesome set-up for the match.
“Orton, check your cellphone” – Hernandez
“…sevveennn daaaaayssssss” – Me

COMMERCIAL
Rabble Pick – SHAWN vs. ANGLE
HERNANDEZ – Angle
JENNA – Angle
ERIC – I refrain from answering until Hassan beats him.
“Will that change the outcome?” – Me & Hernandez
“Well.. he’ll lose momentum.”
“No… okay.. HBK”
LAURA – Angle
ME – Michaels

Backstage, Orton is trying to find his way out when Kane finds him (who weirdly sounds like Ric Flair). Two times Kane faced Undertaker at Wrestlemania.. Two times he was lucky to walk away with his .. soul!? Sure, why not. Kane with a nice little sell for the match.

Back in the ring –

LE RESISTANCE vs. TAJIRI & REGAL vs. MAVEN & SIMON DEAN
Tag Title Match

Dean starts in with Tajiri, and keeps him in the corner, a tag to maven and the double hiptoss/pushup. Tajiri runs over to the corner to taga Regal. Regal goes after Maven, stiff kicks and a pin, but Dean AND Le Resistance stop the pin. Regal locks Maven into the figure four and Dean stops it and hits a pin.

Dean goes with a slow reverse neckbreaker, and a pin is stopped by Grenier. Dean goes and questions Le Resistance and gets tagged by Grenier. Grenier and Conway do the spinebuster/clothesline. They continue to rip into Regal – another pin stopped by Maven & Dean. Tag and Regal hiptosses Conway. Regal catches a great little sideslam thingy and tags in Tajiri who just starts snapping kicks left and right. Everyone eats one.

Tajiri tosses Conway into the ropes, but Maven slaps his back and takes to the top as Tajiri throws out Conway. Flying press into Tajiri for two. While I blink, Tajiri hits the buzzsaw kick and the 3 count! QUICK!

WINNER: REGAL & TAJIRI

Backstage – Trips is staring in a mirror…
“LEMMY!” – Hernandez.

Bischoff comes on in and wants Trips to not hit Dave tonight. Trips laughs it off, saying that Bischoff isn’t going to cancel Wrestlemania. Hunter blames Bischoff for this entire affair. It’s Bisch’s fault that Dave didn’t leave for Smackdown. Trips admits that if Dave even blinks wrong and he’ll be on him.

COMMERCIAL (And Dani has shown up from a long commute due to flooding)
Rabble Pick – JBL vs. CENA
HERNANDEZ – JBL
JENNA – Cena
ERIC – Cena
DANI – I don’t care, the Sin City trailer is on…
LAURA – ..no idea..
ME – JBL

Smackdown Reload – and you can find out what happened from CJ AMBROSIA!

…hey… here comes hassan…
“I come home.. TO THIS?!?” – Dani, perturbed.

Hassan has something to say. We are… We are…
“The Youth of a nation?” – Me
“VR?”

Hey, during Hassan’s entire shpeal the ‘WHAT’ chant begins. Akbar takes the mic and babbles, but is interrupted by Shawn. Shawn.. watch out.. IT’S A TRAP! I still love that joke.

SHAWN vs. HASSAN
(Kurt Interruptus Match…)

If anyone is going to pull a good match out of him, it’s Shawn. Let’s get it on! Lock up and big fists from Hassan to start. He tosses Shawn into the ropes, Shawn leaps Hassan and clocks him one. Hassan gets up and gets clocked again. He stands up and gets clotheslined over the top rope.

Shawn slides out and smacks Hassan some more. They slide in and some punches drop Shawn. They start to exchange fists. Shawn tosses him to the rope, he’s reversed by Hassan, and Akbar tries to trip up Shawn. Shawn, amusingly, stomps on his foot. Shawn tosses Akbar over the top rope onto Akbar and we go tooooooo…

COMMERCIAL
(Sorry for the lack of commentary – my roommates have all showed up and carnage has broken loose as Roommate Jeremy & Roommate Randy terrorize Roommate Chris.. why? It’s how they roll.)

Back in the ring, Hassan has got his knee dug into Shawn’s back, but Shawn fights his way to his feet. Hassan catches Shawn with a neckbreaker though for a 2 count. Snap suplex from Hassan, again for 2. He tosses Shawn into the ropes and a clothesline for 2.
“Christ versus the Arabs.. is that how they booked it?” – Roommate Randy.

Back to a sitting headlock and Shawn again fights his way up. He tosses Hassan into the ropes, but Hassan fights sout of it and goes to choke Shawn in the corner. He tosses Shawn once again into the ropes, and Shawn drops to his knees.
“GOD TAKE THE PAIN AWAY!” – Hernandez.

A big right hand drops Shawn, and now Hassan is choking him. The ref stops Hassan to have Akbar choke him against the turnbuckle. Akbar stops for Hassan to start it up. The ref FINALLY sees it and in comes Hassan. Shawn crawls towards Hassan.
“I suffered so you may live” – Roommate Randy

Double axe to the back of Shawn, right into the camel clutch. Blah blah blah, they fight out of it.. blah blah fists back and forth… finally, crossbody, kick-up, flying elbow. And here comes the –
J E S U S K I C K .. we spelt out Jesus and Christ before Kurt came in to attack Shawn. Hassan holds Shawn and Kurt goes to hit him. Shawn ducks to hit Hassan. Angle Drop is blocked. Superkick is ducked.. but Hassan eats one anyway.

WINNER BY DQ – SHAWN

COMMERCIAL
Rabble Pick – HHH vs. Batista
HERNANDEZ – Batista
JENNA – Batista
ERIC – Dave
DANI – My boyfriend.. …Dave
ME – Duh.. Dave… her boyfriend.
LAURA – (is somewhere else.. so I vote for her) Dave

The second clean sweep of the night.

Backstage, Eric Bischoff is talking to a batch of security guards like it’s Full Metal Jacket.

Big Show vs. Akebono
HERNANDEZ – Akebono
JENNA – Akebono
ERIC – They are DUMB if they push Show – Akebono
DANI – ..the big one..
ME – I’ll go for Akebono

And another clean sweep!!

Now it’s time for our main event Stare Off, but first we get another reason they paid for a video footage team… the official lead-up to Dave vs. Hunter.

Bischoff is coming down with the wall of security guys and we hit a commercial break.

COMMERCIAL

A table has been set up in the ring, security guys line the ring, and Bischoff has a microphone. First, he introduces.. the Game.. the Cerebral Assassin.. the Guitarist from Motorhead…

TRIPLE LEMMY H HEAD!

Trips sits down comfortably, cuddling his belt, and feet on table. And his opponent at Wrestlemania… he is the Animal… he is cooler than You… he is… DAVE!!!!!!

The minute Batista hits the ring, Trips stands up.. and the staring contest has begun. Batista seemingly blinks first as he sits down grinning. Trips stares around as the crowd does the Batista chant. Trips has yet to sit down, but Dave is smirking like a bitch.

Trips gets to take the microphone first. A long drawn out pause… “You ungrateful piece of crap.” Everything that Trips and Ric has done for Dave – it’s all because of Triple H.
“Wah Wah Wah” – Dani

Trips plucked him from obscurity and made him a star. He let Dave come along for the ride. Dave was NOTHING when Trips found him.
“Show the Deacon clips!” – Me

Dave just lounges and watches, seemingly oblivious to Hunter’s babbling, but you know what – a couple years of this and I’d be oblivious to it. Trips yells at Dave to look him in the eye. Dave spins his head slowly, and angrily. At Wrestlemania Dave will find out he made the biggest mistake of his life.
“He should have gone with Geico!” – Hernandez

That got Dave grumpy. So what does Dave have to say?
“Stick your tongue out!” – Dani
“Neiner Neiner Neiner!” – Dave

So what does Dave say? “ARE YOU TALKIN TO ME!” ..heheh.. good Dave.

He is going to say thank you. He is going to express his gratitude to Hunter and Ric. He gets a big clap for calling Ric a true legend. …BUT!… come Wrestlemania he is taking the title. He then calls Hunter an asshole. The crowd goes ‘asshole’ chant. Hunter throws the table, killing Ric Flair (Eric), and here comes the nose to nose moment. The chant is going nuts on the Batista chant, and Dave’s face is priceless.

..tense moment..
“KISS HIM!” – A bunch of us.

And a stiff slap right to the face to Dave. A BITCH slap. A stiff hard bitchslapola. Dave THANKS him once again and goes to pummeling Trips like a red-headed stepchild. The Security guards pull Dave back, and Dave throws ALL of the security. The seperation moment, security holding them back. Dave gives him the ‘6 days’ then the thumbs down. And that… is Raw.

Rabble Pick: Match Of Wrestlemania
JENNA – Batista/Trips
HERNANDEZ – Angle/Shawn or Los Amigos (Rey/Guerrero)
ERIC – Angle/Shawn
DANI – Rey/Guerrero.. I want to see flippy things.. and Dave win.
LAURA – The one that Benjamin’s in.
ROOMMATE JEREMY – Trish/Christie.. idiots!
ROOMMATE RANDY – Are there midgets going to be there? No? No best match?
ME – I go out of nowhere to say that Orton/Undertaker will be the shocker.

Anyway, a great set-up show.. some blow off moments as you would expect, but quite a few of the matches seem a whole lot better, and that’s all I ask out of this show.

I give it a thumbs up.

So be at Inside Pulse on Monday morning to find out –
WHO WON!
WHO LOST!
WHAT DID WE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT!
WHAT IS WRESTLING WITH THE RABBLE!

Be here in one week to find out all of these things… for RABBLEMANIA!!!

Night Folks!

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